Last day of a crappy year...

I remember reading my horoscope for the new year a year ago. I was to have an amazing career year. Also, the horoscope promised me, an Aries, "new love", and my husband, a Libra, "bad year in love"... I remember laughing. "As if the stars are saying we are going to have a divorce..."
Well... we didn't have a divorce. But I got my heart broken. Just a couple of days after Valentine's day :-D
Stupid me.
Should teach me to not read my horoscope.

I did read it a couple of days ago, when my sisters and I were doing the "wish board" for 2013. I don't remember anything of it. I was just thinking about me a year ago, reading the horoscope for 2012.
I was supposed to have a really good year.

Bull! :-D

This year I have seriously contemplated killing myself.
I have decided how I'm going to kill myself, if I ever get to that point again in my life.
Though I promised my husband that I would not kill myself. If my life is so meaningless and worthless to me, it'll belong to him, because it's full of meaning and worth to him.

This year I have seriously contemplated committing myself to a mental hospital.
I still am.
My husband says that I can do all I do in a mental hospital at home too, and more.
I suppose he's right, and I'll just lie in the bed the whole day when I feel like I have to have a pause.

There has been a lot of those moments this year.

This year has also taught me tons about myself. I don't think I have learned more all the previous years combined.

One of the things is that I'm a hopeless optimist. I'm still alive and "free".
I am going to take some steps next year to get me a good way ahead on the road to becoming better me. Well... that I say every dang year. But I still believe in it :-D After 43 years of broken promises to myself.

I am going to learn to
- keep my promises to myself
- commit and persevere
- finish projets
- create plans B, C and D, and create new plans in running if D fails.
- love, like and appreciate myself

And I am going to be thin before 2013 is over. I am tired of getting short of breath for tying my shoelaces. And I want to know if it really feels better than anything tastes. I hope it comes together with the other five things :-D


I really don't want to feel so repulsive anymore.

Though I don't think it has anything to do with how I look or how much I weight or how fit I am... and I don't even know if it would heal any old wounds either, because none of that really matters anyway. It's just a family disease, this obsession with fitness.
I really do believe fit people are better people, somehow. I really think I'm just lazy and stupid.
I really, sincerely am jealous of all the people with anorexia, because they are thin. Being underweight is something to admire, not pity. Being overweight is a fault to dislike, not something to feel compassion for. Because everyone knows that the "overactive part" of our body is our mouth - we eat too much - and obesity doesn't run in the family, it's that the family is obese because no-one runs.
That is a distorted thinking I need to correct as well.

But I would still like to know what it's like to be thin... and be able to walk in an ordinary clothing store and buy something... normal. Something they have in the window. Something they advertise. Something I've seen in the television. It's still so that most of the "big girl" clothes are tents and black/burgundy/navy. I have this amazing dress that could only be more amazing, if it was red. They don't make it in red. Only in black.
*sigh* Maybe I could embroider it to give it more color. Or take up the seams and copy the pattern and sew me a new dress, in red. And every other color too. Like teal and green... and... yes, deep, rich ox-bloody burgundy. Not the cold, nasty, bloodless burgundy, of which they make "big girl" clothes.

I confess...

I called him.

He didn't sound to be upset about that. He sounded to be ok with talking with me.
But he didn't want to meet me.
"Let's say "merry Christmas" and leave it at that..." he said.
"Merry Christmas", said I.
Now I need to leave it at that.

I don't want to.
I really wanted another result.

*sigh*

Let's take the positives.
He answered.
He didn't yell at me, scream at me, swear at me, call me names, or hang up on me.
He listened. He answered. He talked with me. 
He wished me merry Christmas.

And the best thing, to me. I dared to call.
I had a discussion with God yesterday. If I'm awake at 7, I'll call him. God woke me up at 7.
I asked for courage to call, and courage to take what may come.
This is for the best.
I received my answer.

Yet I wanted a different one.
*sigh*

I wanted to meet him. I want to be able to...
oh...
I just realized something. He did remember me.

That makes me glad. :-)

I want to be able to meet him and greet him with kindness and not panic, not get hysterical or furious.

I will have to get there without him. Perhaps we will never meet again.

So - on with other stuff.

I need to get a better self esteem. It's all about that.
I need to stop waiting for someone else to give me things. I need to get independent.
I also need to learn to accept help.

Yesterday I felt really, really bad, because I can't control anything in my life.
Men don't love you because you are beautiful. Beauty really matters very little. It's not pretty girls who get all I want, it's also ugly girls. So, I won't get what I want by being beautiful. Beauty really doesn't matter as much as I thought it does.
People are not nice to you because you are nice to them. It's nice people who are nice to you, totally regardless of how nice you are. But people also don't much care if you are nasty. You won't spoil anyone's day by being a sourpuss. Except your own...
I won't get what I deserve. Not the good, nor the bad.
I won't get what I am entitled to.
Fortune favors the bold. I get what I take. I get what I give, allow to myself...
And just as I interpret the "signs" around me to mean what I want them to mean, what I believe they mean, the same way I interpret what "happens to me"...
It's all in the attitude.
All you need is love. Self-love. Self-esteem. Self-confidence. Self-reliance.

“Nothing in this world can take the place of PERSISTENCE.
Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent.
Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.
Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.
The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”

― Calvin Coolidge

Emotionally abusive relationship

“When someone is unrelentingly critical of you, always finds fault, can never be pleased, and blames you for everything that goes wrong, it is the insidious nature and cumulative effects of the abuse that do the damage. Over time, this type of abuse eats away at your self-confidence and sense of self-worth, undermining any good feelings you have about yourself and about your accomplishments.” 
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engle

Oh, dear... That's a good description of my relationship... with me.
Now, I won't be able to walk away from that relationship.

So - I started looking into how to deal with that, and was lead to another road...

I have been reading Gloria Steinem's book about self-esteem.

I hate to say this, because I know my parents loved me, and did their best, and all that, but I was neglected as a child. 

How do you heal yourself from being emotionally neglected as a child?

P.S: I feel I have been subjected to "gaslighting".

"The abuser who does this will deny that certain events happened or occur to get you to question or insanity. They will exaggerate or lie to make themselves look good and you look like the bad guy. They avoid taking responsibility for their own actions."

Not an ounce of remorse, compassion, understanding. No apologies, no validation, no explanation. Nothing.
Except that it was all my fault, they did nothing wrong, and their suffering - caused by me - is equal to mine - which also was caused by me.

changes

I visited a pain doctor. Finally... something is going to happen and I won't be able to avoid doing changes in my life...

About changes... I found this at Pinterest.

Rather stupid... "biscuits and gravy"? Too limited, specific, not going to work. Exceeding calorie limit? Too difficult. You need to count, which means you won't.

Here's my version:

Promise yourself not to eat anything with sugar in this December. Keep the promise even after December is over.
Using anything to replace sugar is cheating. No sweeteners, artificial nor natural.

This means no soda, not even diet soda (or energy drinks), no cordials (not even sugar free), not even fruit juices, because even though those are not sweetened, they are almost pure sugar anyway :-D And don't eat dried fruits.
No ice cream or frozen yoghurt, no pies, no cookies, no cakes, no sweetened cereals, no candy or chocolate...

Start reading the small print of food you eat. There's surprisingly much sugar and sweeteners added to food we eat. There's sugar in things like cold cuts and readymade meals, which you might have not been aware of. There's sugar in bread.
Yes, it will take a lot of reading to catch all the sugar before it enters your body, but this is probably the best thing you can do for your health.
(I am oversensitive to sugar - like most human beings. Sugar is a bit like drug. Eating a lot of sugar - and most Westerners do - changes your brain. I need to stop eating sugar, but... I'm addicted to the damned thing. So - stop eating sugar for your HEALTH, not your weight. It will influence the weight too, but you will feel so much better in January, if you manage to keep unsweetened December. Also, you won't be yearning the sweets in January either, because you have detoxed yourself. Don't fall again!)

I know, it's hard with December holidays coming, but it's best to do right now, so that you get a good challenge and can look into your reasons to eat sugary stuff. Keep a diary and write down when you want to eat sugar, why and what you feel about it. Do something to fulfill the need a healthier way.

Your body needs sugar, though, just not added, refined sugar.
Eat your fruits. At least one fresh fruit every day.
Replace candy by making yourself a fruit sallad by chopping 4-5 different varieties of fresh fruits into candy-size pieces. Don't add any cream or sauce or jello. Eat the fruit pieces as if they were candy. Your brain will buy the "trick" and be satisfied.
Replace juice by eating a fruit as it is and drinking pure water.

Make yourself a cup of cocoa with just milk and dutch method cocoa. It is sweet enough. You might just need to get adjusted to it, but it is sweet enough. Do NOT use "drinking chocolate" or such hot chocolate powders. Use unsweetened pure cocoa, and blend it first with a little boiling water, then add the warm milk.

If you need an "energy drink" after work-out, milk is the best thing for that. It has all the necessary minerals and protein, even a little natural sugar.

And find other ways to "reward" and "pamper" yourself than food and sweets.

In January you will stop eating bread, savory baked goods, like quiches, and pasta. Bread is rolls and buns, biscuits and flatbread like tortillas, which means you won't be eating tacos, enchiladas or burritos either. Pancakes are included, pita bread, crackers, sandwiches, hamburgers and hot dogs (served with bread. You may still eat them without bread.)

Replace pasta with rice, potatoes and other such things, like polenta and grits.

In February you will stop eating anything fried. Deep-fried, pan-fried, doesn't matter.
Including french fries and chips.

Replace frying with boiling, roasting, baking, steaming and other ways of preparing food. There's still a lot of good things you can eat.

Replace chips with nuts and fresh vegetables and fruits.

In March you will stop eating sauces. That includes dips, mayonnaise and ketchup, salad dressing, pasta sauces, baked beans. (Yes, those are smothered with sauce.) No gravy.
Dishes like lasagne and moussaka, made by adding sauce, are included.

Replace the sauce with vegetables... if you want the sauce sense, chop the veggies into salsa. Do not add oil or sugar to your salsa!
Eat soups and stews.
And add a little lemon juice and some good quality oil to your salad. Some. Like a teaspoon. Not more. So, even if it in all practical reasons is a sauce (vinaigrette), it's not.

In April you will stop drinking alcohol.
Replace it with water. You can mix the water with some fruit juice, if you think pure water is boring. There are other things to add some interest to water, but don't start drinking non-alcoholic drinks, which are mostly sugar, or pure juice, which is also mostly sugar.

You may eat butter, whole milk, sour cream, sweet cream, crème fraîche, any kind of cheese, full fat yoghurt (even frozen, but as it is - it is surprisingly good alternative to frozen yoghurt, especially if you mix it with chopped fruits...)
You may eat pop-corn, even oil popped popcorn. Even with butter. But not "butter flavored" crap.

Do not switch to light or low-fat alternatives. Do not cheat by using artificial sweetener instead of sugar. Don't use any artificial, fake stuff loaded with chemicals, like "I can't believe it's not butter, bacon, meat or what ever". Use real meat, butter, bacon or what ever.

Yes, you may eat bacon, just bake it in oven or in a waffle iron. Don't fry it on a pan.
You may eat red meat, salami, sausages, roasted chicken...

You may use as much spices and herbs as you wish. Reduce salt as much as you can, though.

Prepare yourself by keeping your bloodsugar leveled. Eat something every 3-4 hours.
Eat a good breakfast. It's better you get up from bed 15 minutes earlier to have time to eat breakfast, than you sleep those 15 minutes and skip breakfast.
Don't eat after 7 P.M. Even if you work late. It's better to go to bed with empty stomach than eat anything. You can drink a glass of milk to cut the worst hunger, if you are so hungry you can't sleep, but if you ate a good breakfast and something every 3-4 hours, you won't be that hungry, even after a busy day at work.
Have a bag of nuts in your pocket at all time, so that you can eat a handful, if you can't eat anything else. Or an apple. Or a handful of nuts AND an apple. (or some other fruit, if you are not into apples. Bananas are good.)
Create a list of good snack and prepare small grab bags you store in the fridge for those busy days. Do not skip meals!
Clean your home from the things you may not eat. Fill your home with food you may eat.

Damn it: eating your way there

And look at Keely Shaye Smith, mrs. Pierce Brosnan. 

You don't need to be skinny to wear bikini. You have to have self confidence.

So - there are two more things you really SHOULD do to get truly bikini ready for summer:

- Exercise. Every day. If nothing but a walk outside for fifteen minutes, good. Not to get fit, but to feel good about yourself.
- Do something to boost your self-confidence.
- Do something every week you are afraid to do.

So - to recap:

December: sugar
January: bread, baked goods and pasta
February: fried foods
March: sauces
April: alcohol

Ugly

I remember standing in front of the mirror and looking at me, trying to figure out what especially is so ugly in me, if there's anything I could do, anything I could change... and I looked at my hair.
There are times I think my hair isn't quite that ugly. In fact, there are times when I think my hair is beautiful.
That time I was looking at it, and thought about how silky and shiny and pretty it looks... and I got furious. How dares my hair claim it's pretty, when it so obviously cannot be?! If it was, wouldn't people compliment it? Wouldn't people notice that there's at least SOMETHING pretty in me, so that I wouldn't need to compensate so much all the time for the lack of beauty?
So I took scissors, a handful of hair and cut it off. My husband realized something was wrong and rushed into the bathroom to find me having sheared half of my head.
I remember his expression, standing there at the doorway...
I promised I would never do anything like that again. Sure, I could cut my hair, have any hairdo I wanted, but not like that, not for that reason.

I don't have an official diagnose of having BDD. On the contrary. I have an official diagnose of NOT having BDD... which makes me ugly for real.

There are these people who joke about that.

I hoped I had hope. I hoped this is just something in my mind - I still do. I still hope they made a mistake, and in reality I'm not quite as ugly as I think I am. Or that there is something that can be done.

I can't afford any cosmetic surgery, and I wouldn't know what to fix. I mean... they can't do that much with cosmetic surgery, it really works only with big flaws, like cleft lip, missing nose, elephant man condition... not just general ugliness.

And... I don't think people should look alike. I don't think a big nose makes a person ugly. I think Barbra Streisand is quite beautiful, even though she has a big nose. Perhaps even because she has a big nose. She is different, special, unique, unforgettable, recognizable, herself, and therefore beautiful.

But - I don't know what makes me ugly. I just know I am ugly.

Well... I know what makes me ugly. Especially in this image, with that Hitler hairdo. Thin, greasy hair, cleft double chin, square face... I hate my smile, because I show my gums. Big nose, pouches under eyes - on a "good" day I have raccoon eyes. A lot of skin around my eyes making them look smaller, bushy eyebrows that grow together in the middle... monobrow might have been the prettiest thing on a Roman woman, but... it's not now. I hate those fat cheeks of mine... when the cheeks puff upp like that and create the crescent shadow under, that's called having a "tomcat cheeks". I really hate those puffy apples... And when I smile, I get a chin like Stan Laurel.
Uh. Ugly.

Or make-up. I have tried to learn to use it, but no matter what make-up I have, my eyes can't tolerate it. They will start tearing up and swollow, and how pretty is that?
Besides, I have had my make-up done by a professional make-up artist, and I looked even worse. As if the makeup just enhanced the ugliness...

Or that other time... my sister had a good friend who was a make-up artist. We sisters spend an afternoon with her, she talked about make-up and stuff, and then we got to do our own. And... I looked hideous.
This make-up artist didn't help me in any way, and neither did my sisters, and they allowed me to go home looking like that, and I remember trying not to cry openly, not to make my sisters feel bad, and I was really grateful of the fact that they lived on the Northern side of the town and I on the Southern side, so I didn't need to do that very long.
I have never felt that ugly in public.

It's like putting lipstick on a pig, or dressing up a monkey. Doesn't make it any prettier. On the contrary.

P.S. I tried to find out if there is an English expression to describe these cheeks like mine... and there isn't. But... apparently they are really desirable.

Eccentric old lady

Yesterday I was internet stalking my obsession. Again.
Yes, I know I shouldn't.
I know it's just strengthening the obsession.
I know.

Or - at least it should have.

But this time it didn't.

Might be because I had been asking the RIGHT questions of "him" when discussing The Event. I wanted him to make it clear to me that a) in another situation he would have wanted me and b) I wouldn't want him. Really. At least, I wouldn't want to change my husband to him.

Well... last night I saw a photo that answered both those questions to me.

1) I'm very similar to his girlfriend. Except that I'm... well... better.
Besides, it doesn't matter what HE says, I would still believe he THINKS the way I think he does. If what he says doesn't match what I think, I'd believe he was lying.
So - better fix MY thoughts of myself.

2) I don't want his lifestyle.

How could I know his lifestyle of one picture?
I don't need to know if my preconceived notions of the story the picture tells are correct or not. All I need is to think that I don't want his lifestyle. I don't want to live the way he apparently wants to.
There's nothing wrong with his lifestyle, it just is not for me.
Now, I think he might be a bit more... uh. I'm not going there.
He has made his choice, I have made mine, we are both happy with our choices, and that's all there is to it.

================================

So - I still want to travel. I'm really envious of Benny the Irish Polyglot and his social life - or the impression one gets - and I would like to travel and speak with all kinds of people. People ARE interesting and they all have a story - a lot of stories... and all that is really interesting.

And then I was thinking about what kind of impression I make.
A fat, middle-aged ugly lady with a weird sense of style?
Well... that's one way of looking at it.
Another is this:

This is Zoë Wanamaker playing Ariadne Oliver

This is Maggie Smith playing Augusta Bertram 

This is Angela Lansbury playing Emily Pollifax

Now, I'm not saying I'm Zoë, Maggie or Angela, nor that I'm Ariadne, Augusta or Emily.

But mrs. Oliver is an eccentric middle-aged lady, traveling alone, aunt Augusta is most definitely an eccentric elder lady - with no problems traveling alone and Mrs Pollifax... Well... she was an elderly lady traveling alone too, and not remarkable beautiful or so. 

Also, Zoë, Maggie and Angela are not especially beautiful in the classic manner, but they all... they are beautiful in their own way, amazing, wonderful women... 

I am in good company with these ladies as my role models :-D

I really hope I get this

I will NEVER get to do ANYTHING I need another person to do it with me.

I really hope I get that.

It means I have to give up some dreams. Losing the hope of ever getting those things hurts like hell.

But - there are others.

I can get fit and slender and agile.
I can learn to dance and martial arts and all that. It doesn't matter if I do it "right", because I'll never do it with someone else. It's just the idea of doing it, the feeling in your body when you do it... like flying... and for that I don't need to do it "right". No-one needs to ever see me and get horrified by how ugly I am doing it and how "wrong" I do it.

I can learn all those languages. And I can go out there and chat with people, and I don't need to care one bit if they even understand me, because they wouldn't. Then, maybe, if some of them did...

And I don't need someone to travel. I can save my little money, if I don't get more, and take the time it takes, I'll get there.

I can learn to sing.

Then some ranting, because I was at Pinterest, and spotted these two pins, and they made me furious.

"your family, your grandchildren"? How is that something for YOU to be proud of? And what about all of us who don't have children? Huh?

I would be proud of being size 4, after having been size 12 or bigger since I was... like... 17 or something. For me it would be an accomplishment. It would be because of hard work. (Though I don't want to be size 4. I'd like to be size 8.)

BTW, I do want to get slender and fit and agile because I think it's more beautiful than what I am now.
I hate my belly pouch. I hate my knees and the sacking skin. I hate my upper arms. I hate my double-chin. I hate my breasts. I hate my thighs, I hate my hips, I hate my thick neck. I hate my excess fat. I hate how they look, I hate how they feel and I hate how they make me feel.
I want to look at me in the mirror and like everything I see, and I know I like slender and fit more than fat and unfit. Ok, I have been brainwashed by the society when it comes to beauty. And?

But - how ever weird it might sound to you - I love my body. I love the fact that it's still doing what it's supposed to do, even after 25 years of abuse I've put it through. I love the feeling of dancing and walking and running and jumping and I love it how my body can do that.
I love my hands and I'm amazed by their ability to just rattle away touch typing, as they do right now... Amazing.
I love my eyes that see, nose that smells, mouth that tastes, ears that hear and skin that feels. Skin is such an amazing organ anyway... Just... wow...

I hate this. 

"Stop Fitspiration". 

It's created by people who are anorectic, either with eating or exercising - or both, 

and trying to recover and "be sober".

I have full compassion and I wish they'll succeed, but -

I am not responsible for how you read my pins.

I don't need to think how someone else reacts on things I pin.

I am not supposed to either.

The rest of the world is not supposed to shelter you from your triggers.

YOU are supposed to do that.

And it would be hell lot better if you actually figured out what triggers you,

and learned to handle it.

I exercise to lose weight. 

I'm f-ing overweight, and diet and exercise is the ONLY healthy way to lose weight.

So, yes, I do exercise to burn calories.

I exercise to get nice muscles, so that I can do what I want to do. 

That they also look nice, even when they are not perfect, is a plus for me,

and a clear motivation.

I'm not exercising to get "perfect abs", because I can't. 

I won't ever be perfect or beautiful. 

But it's hell lot better to be slender and fit and ugly, than to be fat, unfit and ugly.

And, yeah, I would like liking more of the things I see in the mirror.

So that I don't need to... try to avoid mirrors on bad days, or try to avoid "bad spots", and stay focused on the "good" ones on good days. Or try to get away from the mirrors, or staring at myself for hours trying to figure out what's wrong with me, what's the thing that makes me ugly and that I could perhaps fix.

I exercise for two reasons - to become able to do all the things I want to do, like dance, and climb and jump and all that.

And because my lifestyle has made me sick, and it's killing me.

I NEED to lose weight and get fit to LIVE.

And I don't give a dime WHY I save my life.

Because YOU are not going to do it.

And, yes, I am obsessed by beauty. 

I have BDD for fuck's sake!

Yes, I know it's a mental disorder, meaning that I'm "sick".

I know my obsession is "sick" and my idea of what is beautiful is "sick" and my efforts to be beautiful are "sick".

It's a mental disorder just like anorexia nervosa or anorexia athletica.

How does shaming you for having it work for you?

Every now and then I see something that makes me react... and this was one of them.

I have invited this guy into my life, my heart, my head, my marriage... he doesn't belong there. He doesn't want to be there. *I* don't want him to be there, and my husband certainly doesn't.

This was another one, from ugly girl problems. Hit so home...

Yes. It was silly of me to think that he would even notice me.
It is silly of me to think what I felt had anything to do with him.
It was so f-ing stupid to even think of him as a person, and not just as another organizer, coach, employment administrator.

But -  as my husband said "the obsession Ket is experiencing is actually a result of what they company did and did not do. a simple 'school-girl crush' (transference) turned into a complete obsession because it was not allowed to have a natural and respectful resolution."

What happened instead

"It is amazing, when we look back on what we thought we knew for absolutely sure that we wanted -- even things we grieved over because they never happened. It is amazing how blessed we were that those things never happened or because we never "got" the things we thought for sure that we wanted.

Think back, wonderful you. Think back and find those things. Think about what has happened INSTEAD. Think about where you are now, and what you have learned, and who you have become, and where you are headed, due largely in part to those things NOT happening that you were sure that wanted to happen."

Yeah... and how is it better?


I don't believe that there's The One, Mr. Right... I'm fully certain of that I would have made the best of the situation whom ever I was married to. So - not having the guys I wanted as my boyfriends... what has that given me? 
My husband is an amazing guy and I am very blessed to have him. It is quite possible that I would not have seen him, had I had a boyfriend, husband, had I dated anyone before him. But - if I had had a boyfriend, husband or previous romantic experiences, I'd probably wouldn't have missed not seeing him. 

And - even though I believe I have been good to my husband, and he might have ended killing himself several years ago, had I not seen him, and even though I think that's a good thing... 

Right now I don't know how saving him has changed the world, or will change the world.  

What I can see is the... 10 years of loneliness. 10 years of feeling worthless, 10 years of being rejected, shunned, bullied... 10 years of not being good enough, for anyone. No-one seeing anything worth having in me. 10+ years of building a lowsy self confidence and self worth.

"Kids with low self-esteem may not want to try new things and may speak negatively about themselves: "I'm stupid," "I'll never learn how to do this," or "What's the point? Nobody cares about me anyway." They may exhibit a low tolerance for frustration, giving up easily or waiting for somebody else to take over. They tend to be overly critical of and easily disappointed in themselves."

Yeah. That's me. Except, of course, I'm not stupid. I'm very intelligent. I can learn anything, be good at everything, I'm multitalented, amazing, brilliant... but I'm dumb. Naïve. Trusting, innocent, believing good of everyone and everything, overoptimistic, openminded, tolerant, loving and kind... with other words, an idiot.

You know what the funny part of this is? The world says over and over again, that being innocent, loving and kind, interested in people and the world, open and curious, childlike, is GOOD - but the world sure doesn't treat me that way. It treats me like the worthless idiot I am. 
They just see someone to take advantage of, and they do. And I am fully incapable to defend myself, or protect myself, or even prepare for the inevitable betrayal. Because I really, sincerely, honestly trust in everyone and believe the best of everyone... Even now, when I'm fighting the PTSD, feeling used and failed and rejected, when I scream to the people (in my mind. It's not that they'd bother even talking to me. They've got what they wanted. End of communication.) that I never should have trusted them, because they are untrustworthy, even now my first reaction to anyone is open interest and trust. I am an idiot. 

I'm highly intelligent, multitalented, there's nothing I can't learn, nothing I couldn't do with a little practice, and do well... and I'm good, kind and gentle... I'm brilliant and amazing.
And worthless. Nothing I am, nothing I can, is worth anything. The world just doesn't want me. 

That's what I got from not getting what I wanted when I was 10, 15, 20, 25...

I really don't understand how that is better than what I'd have if I actually had got what I wanted. 
I really can't see how anything could be worse.

Oh, yes. It could have been worse. Much worse.
I could have gotten pregnant when I was 14 with a guy who also gave me a disease that made my child severely handicapped and me infertile AND unable to ever have sex again. And then I could have ended up with a guy who beats me, and makes me feel ugly and worthless, and I could have suffered a major accident that made me unable to move, and just have to witness being abused and not being able to even speak... or witness my husband to molest my child and being unable to protect her/him... brrr...

That's one reason to why I am happy I don't have children. I'm sure I would have given them my Asperger's, so the poor kid would have been bullied and abused by the society just like I was, and I wouldn't be able to defend and protect him/her anyway. And I don't know if I could have given him/her the self esteem and information needed so that he/she could have protected and defended him/herself.

I am truly blessed by having the husband I have right now. He is... awesomeness :-D He is good and kind, he loves me, and he expresses that love with his words and body language and deeds every day in so many ways... he could write a book on how to love a woman. He could have written every decent love song, so every decent love song I hear is like him talking to me. And he's brilliant too. So amazing... 
Almost enough to compensate for the 10+ years. 
Almost. 

I should have been worth having both.

Are Walloons Roman?

In the 17th century a group of Walloons immigrated to Sweden. These people were smiths and their families. Now a lot of Swedes claim Walloon blood.

My family - well... the forefather of my father's family - comes from Sweden.
As far as I know we are NOT Walloons, but... we could be.

And, sure, I could be one of these ladies. Roman ladies painted by different artists.

Henryk Siemiradzki 

 Jean Leon Gerome 

Mary Cassatt 

Henryk Siemiradzki

Anselm Feuerbach; Roman woman

William Holman Hunt

Her eyebrows run right from the edges of her cheekbones 

and almost meet above her eyes. 

And what eyes! 

They are brighter than stars sparkling in a moonless night. 

Her nose is slightly hooked 

and her little mouth as kissable as Praxiteles’ Diana.  

                                   - Satyricon

I just have red hair and green eyes... 

but some influence the 300 years of adding Finnish blood must have :-D

BTW, this is one hairdo for the 1000 days of hair. 

Which is a project I started. And that's it.

I'm good at starting things.

Anyway... I don't mind being Roman :-D Roman women are fabulous :-D

Oh, yes, so 3 it screams about it :-D Totally obsessed with looks, impression and beauty. *sigh*

I wish I could get rid of it.

On the other hand... I suppose there's benefits of that too.

Dangers of internet stalking

"Willingness is so important. Do you think you could just try try try to be willing this week to take chances...to hear someone out....to let something be....to let things work themselves out..."


To let something be. Let him go. Not to try to find out what he's doing. Not to try to find out things about his girlfriend. Not to think about him. Not to send him text messages, emails, letters, postcards, not to call him, not to try to figure out what to do if I ever see him again... 
If we are meant to be together, we will be. God's will WILL be done. 
Not to beat the dead horse.


My whole adult life I have wanted to be beautiful. 
I have always believed if I just was beautiful, if I just was pretty enough, I'd get what I want. I have been watching girls called pretty get what I want, and me being without, me being bullied, called names... Always chosen last. Always passed by. Always waiting for my turn, and it never coming up. 
And now... it doesn't matter. Beauty is nothing. It doesn't mean anything. 
I didn't get what I wanted, because... 


I don't have the slightest idea. 


So... how will I get what I want?

Diary of a fool

I saw an episode of Shameless yesterday, and I couldn't stop watching...

Mo looks like this other woman I know. I find her fat, ugly, rude, mean and hard... I don't see anything attractive in her. But yet she has managed to get seven kids with Paddy#1, had "the other Paddy", and is now with husband #2, and had one night stands with some 8-10 men after Paddy#1 "as a way to keep herself feeling attractive"...

I watched the episode with a sick attention to her, unable to change the channel...
I didn't find her in any way, form or manner attractive.

I'm shocked.

It doesn't fit my understanding of the world at all.
What does she do?
What does she have I don't?

How can she even... how does she get men?
And knowing men... her husband/boyfriend probably thinks she IS beautiful.

I know, I know, I'm horribly shallow and fixated with beauty, but... this is... offensive.

How? How does she do it?
What in her makes men see her as "girl friend material"?

Yes, I find it extremely offensive that she gets men. All my life... as far as I know, no-one has wanted to have me. And I believe it must be because I'm ugly, disgusting, horrible... and then there's this woman, who IS ugly.
Someone wanted her enough to give her children.

It's so f-ing unfair.

My husband tries to comfort me by saying that the guys who fell in love with her probably appreciate the fact that she's not shallow pretty thing, but a strong woman, with personality.
That men are not that shallow.
That it's a good thing this woman gets men, because I should take it as proof of that I can be ugly as a troll, and still there's someone out there who will see through the shell and appreciate the inside. If she gets a man, so will I, when I don't have my husband anymore.


But to me it's... It means there's nothing I can do.
I mean... I can fix the fitness, I can fix the fat, I can fix my clothes, and do something about my looks, but... I can't create an attractive personality where there is none.

I'm screwed. 
I'll never get screwed, when my husband dies.
I'll die alone and get eaten by my cats. 

More about type 3 and other such.

 I am a three.
Why do I believe so?

"Basic Fear: Of being worthless"
I started crying.

"Threes keep driving themselves to excel until they burn themselves out and become more detached and passive when they go to Nine."
Yep.

I am a veritable cliff when I feel good, engaging and responsible, and apathic when I feel bad. I just die. Become a limp, lifeless ragdoll. Turn away from the world, become "detached and passive".

The most important quality in life is beauty, and then kindness, helping others, and then originality, authenticity, creativity. 3, 2 and 4.
I try to become the best me I can be.
It is important to perform and succeed.
I like to be liked, appreciated, valued, admired. :-) I like it a lot.
I like to win. I like to be the best.
I want to win prizes in what I do.
I want to get the audience's approval, love and admiration.
I want to wow people.
I want them to look at me and what I do and think I'm beautiful, amazing, magnificent, wonderful. I want them to see me as an ideal and role model, and I want them to envy me, my beauty and my capacity. My gifts, my talents, my intellect, my skills.

"The personality type Three exemplifies the search for the validation of the self, and so Threes look to esteemed others to determine who they must be, what they must do, in order to feel valuable and worthwhile as human beings."
"Threes will strive to exemplify whatever qualities are honored in their given milieu."
Yes, kindness and goodness; and artistic perfectionism, originality, creativity... "I want to be prolific, loved and good writer".

"Of course, Threes have feelings, but as much as possible, they put them on the backburner whenever there are things to get done—and with many Threes, that is most of the time. As Threes become less healthy, they increasingly see their own feelings as "speed bumps"–annoyances that must be dealt with but which interfere with their effectiveness. Threes want to get their goals accomplished, and then, time permitting, process their feelings"
This is me to the tee.

As far as I understand, Threes are chameleons. They are what ever they think people want them to be.

I read somewhere that women show often trades of Twos, because that's what they are expected to be.

I don't know...

I'm kind of circling there with 2s, 3s and 4s, and... that is typical for Threes, isn't it?

I have BDD and I'm an overachiever and heavily codependent. It's hard for health care personnel and social secretaries etc. to help me, because I'm always, always, always trying to find out what THEY are expecting of me, and do my best to give it to them.
So that's kind of confirms the Three.

But then I read descriptions of Threes, and 3/2 wings and 3/4 wings and... I think the descriptions are horrible!

"The vanity of three"
"the vain desire to be admired and attractive"
"they want to reach the largest possible audience"
"the false polish" - "their false emotional facade" - "veneer of artificial coolness"
"nice-seeming, quiet people who just happen to be mass-murderers"
"manipulative"
"capable of atrocities"

All threes are vain, narcissistic, manipulative, fake, psychopaths, drama queens and attention whores!

Well... I suppose I can be theatrical, excessive, easily fall into self-pity, over-sensitive and whiny. And I do deserve love and jewels. :-D

Ok... That's about the unbalanced, disturbed and damaged Threes.

"...genuine self-observation, and... ...appropriate humility. ...friendly and personable people whose natural social skills help others feel comfortable. "
"...an astonishing ability to generate enthusiastic optimism and self-confidence in others. ...an expert motivational speaker, and often takes advantage of that skill. The uplifting message is delivered with style and power, zooming right to the heart of the listener, where the magic of positive thinking can begin. These are the teachers who bring us to our feet shouting and jumping for joy, eager to take the reins of our life and charge onward into the future."

Ok... I adore Tony Robbins. Absolutely adore him. Wouldn't mind being like him.

"...gentle, compassionate... ...sense of social responsibility combines with the wisdom that comes from emotional equanimity" 
"good advisers... ...mentors or career counselors" 
"devoted to improving life for everyone on the planet" 
"spreading a sense of confidence and optimism... Wherever they go they leave behind a feeling of deep connection and belonging. They are subtle teachers who set an example of compassionate action."


I do like winning. I'm rather competitive. I can't resist a challenge.
But I don't want to win at any price. I won't climb over people to win. I'm the guy who'll stop and let someone to win just to help someone else.

"These are charmers, often strikingly attractive, embodying conventional ideals of beauty and grace, being all things to all people."
Oh... I wouldn't mind. I have always wanted to be a sorceress :-D Enchantress... Circe.

"they make exceptional politicians, being tactful, shrewd and able to “get with the program”, astutely assessing the opposition, noting strengths and weakness, and being adept at changing their tune if required."
Being charismatic, manipulative... I wouldn't mind... because OF COURSE *I* wouldn't be like the others... ;-)

"...when healthy altruists, can be inspiring embodiments of achievement, self- transcendence, perseverance and perspicacity."
Er... what? LOL "Speak English!"

altruist is a person unselfishly concerned for or devoted to the welfare of others, the opposite of egoist.

self-transcendence is the ability to go beyond one's borders

perseverance is steady persistent in a course of action in spite of difficulties

perspicacity is a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight - clear and keen intellect and discernment...

 
"Threes make excellent ambassadors"

Hmm... One of my favorite self-created characters is a Vulpian (a vixen >:->) ambassador, a curvy red-head, seductive, attractive, intelligent, with Southern Belle charm and manners and iron-hand-in-velvet-glove spirit... Think Morgan Le Fay, Macchiavelli's Prince, Pratchett's Vetinari, Milady Winter and Cardinal Richelieu baked in one person - but this lady is good, kind and gentle... *sigh*
Sounds like a Three, don't you think?

Last night I dreamt...

About him... and he ended the relationship, and I refused to accept it, and this time he came down to talk with me. And he was sitting there, all calm and lovely and so, and asked why I do this. Why do I keep trying to get things in my life that don't belong there. Why don't I just move on with my life and see what's going to happen.
And I said "I assume it's because I'm bored..."

Oh.

I did the Myers Briggs temperament test and got INFJ
I did Enneagram and got 3
Now... 3 and INFJ don't go together...

I have always wanted to be considered sanguine. I didn't think I'm worthy, though...

"The sanguine temperament is fundamentally impulsive and pleasure-seeking; sanguine people are sociable and charismatic. They tend to enjoy social gatherings, making new friends and tend to be boisterous. They are usually quite creative and often daydream. However, some alone time is crucial for those of this temperament. Sanguine can also mean sensitive, compassionate and romantic. Sanguine personalities generally struggle with following tasks all the way through, are chronically late, and tend to be forgetful and sometimes a little sarcastic. Often, when they pursue a new hobby, they lose interest as soon as it ceases to be engaging or fun. They are very much people persons. They are talkative and not shy. Sanguines generally have an almost shameless nature, certain that what they are doing is right. They have no lack of confidence.

They are warm-hearted and pleasant.

They look alive and are very optimistic"

That sounds like me... 

So... I started thinking about my own theory, of wanting to be what we are supposed to be... and why not couldn't I be sanguine? Perhaps people who are NOT sanguine find sanguine people bothersome, butterflies with no sense or use... and I took a test.
Guess what?
Of course you guessed right :-D

Your temperament is sanguine.

So... what if I am extrovert? 8-o
What if the bullying I was subjected to since I was 9-10 until I was 18 has made me afraid of people?
What if my Asperger's is f-ing things up?
What if my 3 nature makes me such a skillful chameleon I have managed to convince myself of that I am an introvert?



What if this whole thing is just BS and has no what so ever meaning in the real life, but everything we are is an illusion, a trained behavior, and we can change who we are, such qualities considered to be inborn, like being extrovert or passionate?

To be myself

I have decided that I won't play the social games anymore.

In 40 years people have been letting me know that they don't see me as a social creature, and I don't enjoy the social endeavours like my neuronormal peers do. I find them confusing and very tiresome.

God has shown me that She has ways of introducing people in my life when ever it's necessary.

I mean... I bought the book about finding a spouse, when I was 17 and wanted nothing more in life but someone to love me, someone whom I could love, someone to share my life with, someone to father my children, a lover...
It took me 10 years to find this someone...
Think about it.
What 20±6 years old woman doesn't have a boyfriend? What 20±6 years old woman, who lives in a normal society and doesn't lock herself inside, who goes to school, work, movies, art exhibitions, travels, occasionally goes even dancing with "the girls", doesn't have a boyfriend - or even "suitors"? I have never even been asked to dance!
Well, once. I was in London and an USonian twice my age asked me to dance. I danced with him one dance, and after that he didn't want to dance. >:->
Is it a wonder I am convinced I'm the... not ugliest woman on earth, because I'm not ugly, but the most disgusting, repelling, "disagreeable" woman on this planet.
Anyway, in that book the author said that one needs to go out, get out, get hobbies and start doing things, to add to one's chances of meeting someone. The more people you meet, the bigger chances you have that someone of them finds you attractive. ha.
And she told a story... about a woman who wanted to marry, but she never left her house. One day a parachuter landed in her garden. They fell in love with each other and got married and as far as I know they are still happily married.
This was told as an example of that "sure, miracles happen, but if you go out there and do things and meet more people, you don't need a miracle."
The thing is that Goddess' will BE done. Whether I like it or not. My whole life to the point where I met my husband was to lead me to that point and to him. Goddess kept me for him. Nothing I did, taking courses, going to exhibitions and events, going dancing, brought me any nearer my husband. I found him in Stockholm Tolkien society, which I joined because I love Tolkien and I have Asperger's, like probably half of Tolkienites of the world, learning Tolkien's languages, writing and the history of Middle Earth by heart... and I like re-enactment and I'm a medievalist, thanks to Tolkien, Arthur and fairytales... I found him, doing what *I* liked to do, not by following any advice from anyone.
So - he would have found me anyway.
Goddess will bring to me who I'm supposed to be with, and I don't f-ing need to do one single thing to make it happen.

I don't need to go out there, I don't need to put myself out there to be harmed, to get the social life I need. Right now, at this moment, the biggest griefs I have had has been connected to other people and what I experience as bullying, whether it is done intentionally or unintentionally. This has caused me to focus on how I look, what impression I give, and as I have Asperger's, I will give a more or less odd impression, and neuronormal people, as the instinktive animals they are, will always react by becoming suspicious. Kind people will react with curiosity, unkind people will react with hostility, but even curiosity isn't good for me. It makes me feel like a freak show specimen.
The world tries to make me social, tries to get me to work with people, socialize with my work mates, have friends, go out and do things together with other people. There really isn't any other option for life, if life is to be considered fulfilling and worthy... Even people who create something great are pitied if they did it in solitude, and this is lift forth as something peculiar and noteworthy. Why?
(Just make an image search on "solitude"... Solitude is supposed to be something good, but the a lot of images are about being alone, being lonely, not having a social life and finding it hard to bear. Why?)

So I have decided. I will stop even trying to play the social games. I don't think I'll ever get the rules, and it feels like a game of "Guess what I'm thinking? No! Tehehee! No! Teheheee! Not that either! Oh, how stupid you are! Tehehee!"
I just feel shareless of the fun, I don't see what's supposed to be fun in it, and it just isn't fun for me.
So why the heck would I even bother playing?
It's apparently not "me".

It's not that I'd be really missing anything. To me the world is full of amazing, wonderful, magical things.
Like the forest. Taking a walk in the forest, only me and the dog there...Solitude, peace... feeling the forest with the life and strength and serenity... patience... that you can only find in a forest.
Reading books.
Internet and all the amazing ideas... someone said "Pinterest is like getting the best magazine home EVERY DAY". There are all the things one can do, all the crafting ideas and all the inspiration for artwork and writing, all the tv series and movies... I don't dislike people. I think humanity is one of the best ideas Goddess ever had :-D I am in love with this animal and the wonderfulness of it... all the artwork, all the literature, and even all the seemingly petty little things like what is created by ordinary housewives with their love of Jane Austen novels... Craft.com, Make.com, Instructables... Oh! So much to do, so little time!
And everything is at your fingertips with internet shops... I just ordered material from England that would have taken a lot of me to get from Sweden. Just a couple of clicks, no need to talk to anyone, no need to try to be social, friendly and polite, no fear of misunderstanding... Such a blessing!
Thank you, all the people who are responsible for this. I don't know who you are, but my heart is filled with gratitude to you every single day of my life. I don't know you, but I love you and I hope you feel the love and it makes your day a little bit easier to live, because you deserve it. Goddess bless you, sweet, darling people.

You see, I'm a loving philanthrope in reality. It's just the social games I can't comprehend or handle. So I shouldn't. I should just let my love of humanity and the best of it fill my life, and ignore the expectations I couldn't possible fill. I'll just be here, in safety of my own private "convent", and love you, and avoid being with you, because you don't love me.

Opulent Yule

Apparently one cannot pin from Polyvore anymore. Not even one's own sets. Bummer.

Anyway, I would like to wear something like this for Yule.

opulent yule

I love how God works.

Today's message from Brave Girls:

"Keep your thoughts in the places that you want to be, dear friend. It takes a tremendous amount of discipline, but it is so worth it to train your mind to shy away from fear, hopelessness, dread, negativity, anger and jealousy. It truly is possible to practice day by day turning your thoughts towards gratitude, happiness and goodness, true happiness for the accomplishments and blessings of others, hope for the future, and forgiveness....even in the most difficult of times.

Each day, just make a solid decision that you will do whatever it takes to feel peace for the rest of the day. When a difficult feeling or situation arises, remind yourself of the commitment that you made that morning. Focus your mind on the beauty of the world, on the love that others have for you, on the love that you have for others, and on the blessings that you find in the moment (even if those blessings are as small as the fact that you have a roof over your head) and focus on hope for better days.

We must choose for yourself how you will feel, how you will react, how you will move forward in each moment. No one can do this for us. It is SO worth the work it takes to train ourselves to continuously focus on what is RIGHT rather than what is wrong.

Yesterday I joined Amelie Chance's mailing list about how to get over a broken heart. This is today's message:

"...whatever the thoughts are – you miss him or her, you hate this feeling, you feel like crud – the issue is that they repeat themselves over and over and…

...there is a way to put an end to nagging thoughts. Like your attachment to your ex, your attachment to these thoughts has been hard wired in your mind. The attachment has actually formed pathways in your brain…

The first method is to literally flip the thoughts on their head with a more realistic, positive statement. One of the statements I  started with, "I'm never going to meet anyone else" is a common post-break up fear. If you step back and focus within, you know that this is simply not true.

Whether you're a youngster or late into your years, the likelihood of never meeting anyone else is, well, zero. You will. So, the first statement that you won't is an unrealistic one. The reason you keep thinking about it over and over is because having a broken heart HURTS and your subconscious mind is trying to protect you from going through this pain ever again.

When you have a recurring negative thought, first pause and take a moment. Thank your brain for trying to protect you. I'm serious,  actually say, “Thanks brain, I got it, you're protecting me.” Then rethink the thought in a more realistic method - “The more likely outcome is that I will meet someone.”

In order to rewire your mind to reference the positive thought and totally get rid of the negative one, write it down. Each time you have the thought, flip it to the realistic thought - in writing. Use sticky notes or use your phone...writing it out will rewire that
stubborn mind of yours..."

And my husband reminded me of the power of mantra. And I'm not talking about the transcendental crap (excuse my attitude), but what actually happens when you repeat something over and over again so that it becomes automatic. It has a calming effect. It stops you from obsessing. Your mind is already "obsessing" about the mantra, and your mind is very easily bored and fickle. It cannot hold an emotion more than 10 seconds. Anything beyond that is your own, conscious doing, and if you are being distracted by the mantra, you can't upkeep the emotion.

And I was reminded of the Lesson of The Fool - "on the contrary".
I think I'm worthless, so I'll flip the idea around and say "No, you're wrong, I'm worth a lot!"
You say I can't do something, I'll do it just to show that I can.
I'm afraid of something, so I'll do just that.

Now, these people make me feel... no, *I* make myself feel worthless, ugly, disgusting, whiny, childish and bothersome.
I need to tell myself that I am worthy, beautiful and pleasing.
I need to remind me of that my complaints are reasonable and sound, and my cause is just, and of course people try to get rid of me and my complaints by calling me whiny and bothersome. That is what happens to everyone who has complaints.
That what you call childish, I call naïve, childlike, innocent, guileless, sensitive, genuine, natural, simple, spontaneous, trusting, open, honest, ingenuous, sincere, unartificial, unpretentious, open, undisguised, unreserved, unaffected, unfeigned - and it's delightful, fresh and adorable!
There is nothing wrong with any of these qualities, even when there are people who try to push you down and destroy your innocence by calling you "childish", as if being "mature" was being a deceitful, dishonest, sly, devious, lying, complicated, untrusting, untrustworthy, fake, evasive, insincere, secretive, unnatural, contrived, pretentious PIECE OF SH*T!
Yes, I am naïve, I admit that. Because there's nothing wrong in being naïve, and everything wrong with people who would abuse and mock naïvity.

How to get over rejection and broken heart?

I am having really difficult time with dealing with rejection and broken heart. He did it in a very ugly way.  Very, very ugly way...
I mean... in a high school, you have a crush on someone, who's been really nice, but immediately when you confess your crush to someone, that someone starts ignoring you... but you know he's been talking about you with his friends... You know the feeling? Happens all the time. In high school...
My "crush" did this.

We are not in high school.We were in high school more than 20 years ago. Not even HIS KIDS are in high school anymore.

Ugly Girl Problems... a blog for "every ugly girl out there".
And, yes, it hurts, because this is exactly how it feels.

That *I* am so disgusting he cannot even behave like the adult he is, all the veneer of age, experience, understanding, maturity, is just washed away and he reacts like the human animal we all are... I'm so disgusting.
I'm so disgusting I'll never get a guy, and I'll die alone.

The sick thing with this is that there's another aspect to the whole thing - I'm married.
I'm happily married.
I'm married and madly, deeply, truly in love with my husband.
I think my husband is the best guy in the universe, and I'm really lucky to have him in my life.
And he loves me.
Our marriage is of the kind people dream about.

I love you, I love you, I love you, Henric :-)
Thank you for picking this ugly mutt, because you think she's adorable,

and thank you for thinking she's adorable :-)
Ugly mutts need love too :-)

So - what am I complaining about? I don't even NEED this other guy. I don't really even WANT him.
So - I'm ashamed of having a crush on him, and ashamed for feeling heart-broken and rejected... because I don't have any real reason to feel this way. So - not only am I heart-broken, I'm ungrateful too. A nasty person... I don't deserve my wonderful husband.
So... is God going to punish me for being ungrateful and take away my husband? That's what I deserve.

But the feeling is there. If I'm so disgusting this adult man acts like a teen-aged brat when I say I like him, what chances do I have to ever...
I believe everyone, except my husband and my family, is lying about liking me. I'm convinced the whole world looks at me and sees this disgusting person.

So, when they say the best way to get over a broken heart is to have a life again, to socialize, to get new friends, to enjoy the company of the old friends, to go out and do things with people...

Oh, God, I can't!
Every time I am to go out, to walk the dog, to go to town and swim, to go and take a walk in the forest... It feels like I have a walking band and neon light signs around me, screaming at everyone "here she is, the troll who is so stupid she thought she is a human being". Who had the nerve to assume she could have romantic feelings to a human being. Ridiculous, pitiful, disgusting... Disgusting, repulsive, ugly, horrible, nasty...

I can't, I can't, I can't...
I don't want to be disgusting and ugly.

My husband doesn't think I am, so I want to stay inside with him the rest of his life... and may God have mercy on me and let him live long and stay healthy.

But I also want to have a life. I don't want to feel unworthy, disgusting and impossible to be loved. I don't want to cry every day, I don't want to think about him and miss him, and be reminded of him. I want to get over him, forget him, give him the exact amount of time, effort, thoughts and feelings he deserves, which is nothing at all. I want to forgive him, stop being sad and bitter, and have a happy life.
I don't think I can, I don't think I'm worth it, but... I want to be.
And that is what matters, they say.

They say that it's ok to feel all these feelings when one is heart-broken. That it's normal. That I have to accept that I have a broken heart and that it hurts. And that's proof of that I am a human, that I have a heart, a good heart, capable of feeling, that I am a loving human being, and that I am alive.
All that is good. All that is wonderful. None of that is a sign of a "worthless, disgusting, nasty troll". On the contrary.

Then I need to forgive the guy.
I need to understand that I don't have the whole picture of what really happened. It doesn't need to be personal. It doesn't need to mean I have done something wrong, or there's anything wrong with me. It probably doesn't. Most likely it doesn't.
I understand... in a way... The situation was such that it wasn't quite appropriate for him to treat the crush as such, and he followed the protocol and did what he was supposed to do. He handled the situation correctly, by the book. But I'm not a book page. I'm not piece of paper. They are not counting in the human factor.  There should be room for considering people as the emotional, sensitive beings we are, and not just follow the book, but... it wouldn't have taken too much for him to reject me nicely and kindly, and that would have been enough to save me from all this.
Now I feel like *I* am not worth the kindness.

Maya Angelou said:  
"We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better"
He did the best he could with what he knew. It's not his fault that he couldn't do better. It's not my fault that he couldn't do better. It doesn't say anything about my worth, it's all about his best... and no-one can demand more than one's best from one. One cannot give more than one's best. He did his best, he did what he knew how to, and it's not his fault, nor mine, that his best wasn't good for me.

So - it would have taken too much for him to reject me nicely and kindly. He couldn't give me that, for different reasons, which I can't think of. And it doesn't need to involve me.
And, sure, one can think it is weak, but - which of us human beings isn't weak? One way or another, we all are. That's part of being human.
So - he's a human being. What's bad with that? Nothing.

But this is what I have. This is what I don't want to have. So I need to stop repeating it over and over again, and let go. I won't ever get an apology. I won't ever get an explanation. I won't ever find out why he made the decision he made and why he didn't correct the error when I pointed out an error had been made.
And, God, how it hurts...
I can't understand how my desperate pleading didn't change anything. How could they just ignore my obvious pain? Why couldn't they just simply tell me they have compassion... oh, the fake smiles and chilly politeness, the air of partly being afraid of me, and partly despising me... and total incomprehension... as if I was a zoo animal, a freak show specimen...

One of them said "I think you are so interesting!" after I had been speaking half an hour about how I feel and think about what happened, that I would probably have killed myself had I not had my husband, with shaking voice and hands, tears in my eyes... not one of them said "I'm so sorry you feel that way". Not one of them has in any way acknowledged my pain, confusion, fear and despair associated with what happened... And that... that is the hardest part to bear. Because it makes my feelings irrelevant. And that makes me feel like my feelings are... imagined, faked, shown for manipulation purposes, that I'm a drama queen, attention seeker, trying to get something I have no right to...
But... isn't compassion a human right? If I am able to show compassion to my fellow human beings, why can't they show compassion to me?
My husband has taught me that being open and honest and speaking about my feelings and how I see the situation, avoiding "you-message" - that is, saying "this happened and it makes me think, feel, believe..." in stead of "you did this, you made me feel...", will get me the compassion I desire, and it's just not working in this case, and I don't understand why.
Uh. They are doing their best, I'm doing mine, and some time it just doesn't work.
Get over it, let it go, stop beating the dead horse. THIS.HORSE.IS.DEAD.

There are a couple of things they say will help with overcoming a broken heart.

"Withdrawal is part of our flight or fight response. Choose to fight."

The feeling of wanting to disappear from the face of earth, never wanting - or daring - to see another human being again, and absolutely not interact with other human beings, is normal. It's "flight" part of the "flight or fight response".
I need to go out and be with people. Get into fight again. Learn to trust in humanity again. No, I'm not after finding a guy, I already have one, but I need to get over my "I'm so disgusting, people hate me" complex.

"Simply show them they are not as indispensable as they think. They can be replaced. With someone kinder, more mature, better looking, more fun, more exciting. The feelings of humiliation you're experiencing, the 'please don't bump into me, where can I hide, can I switch towns and change my name' has been experienced by some of the most beautiful women in the world. There's not something particularly wrong with you, there's just something wrong with the choice you made. You wanted pizza and went to an ice cream store... ...Circulate, socialize, network. Hang out with friends in places that are busy with communication. Give decent guys approaching opportunity, even if its a five second conversation. You are trying not to lose your faith in humanity."

"...put the pain behind you and move forward with your life and love. Otherwise, you are giving away your power to the people who hurt you."

"The first tip to overcome the emptiness is to identify the triggers (times, places, and things) that cause you the most pain... and ...have a pre-planned adjustment to counteract each trigger."
- Amelie Chance

* Seeing someone in the same situation getting what I expected to get, what I wanted to get and what I didn't get.
* Going to places where I could see or meet him.
* Seeing or hearing anything about things that made him different from other people I know. Like his birth place, or hair color. Or specific hobbies and preferences.

It's hard to associate these things with something else, but I suppose I have to, because I can't avoid those places or subjects. 

"One of the best things you can do is to develop new habits and routines to re-establish yourself as an individual without your ex. Missing someone is like a craving, so it's important to avoid triggers – like going to the same pub or continuing old habits that you used to share."

"...the relationship you need to rescue is the one with yourself" 

"Blare some of your favorite, feel-good tunes: 

Listening to them can trigger the release of endorphins, 

lifting your spirits and combating stress."

"Turn your attention to the future, whether it be setting new goals or trying new activities. Focus on yourself by using the opportunity to stay busy. For example, if you feel your lack of skill in a second language cost you a job, use the rejection as motivation to enhance your proficiency in a new language."

I suppose I need to start believing that he made me a favor by rejecting me. He saved me from his company. In that case, it is true when they say "there's plenty of fish in the sea". There is no "mr. Right". I'm not saying he's a bad guy, or worthless piece of crap, not at all. I'm sure he could have been a good friend, and a nice husband and all that. But there are others out there. Sure, he's unique, but not irreplaceable. I found him, I'll found others who are just as good. Or better.
*sigh* Find your tribe...

But - "if you feel your lack of skill in a second language cost you a job..."
I believe my lack of beauty and physical appeal costs me... lovers, friends, network, social life... but that's my BDD speaking. I wouldn't want people to be my friends because they think I'm pretty. This way at least I'll know who my true friends are... and they are there. My husband, for example, loves me and sees me as beautiful, even if the rest of the world thinks I'm hideous. And I consider my internet-friends to be real friends.
Nevertheless... I COULD work on making me as beautiful as I can be... to remove that excuse, at least. On the other hand... I have BDD. And because the world treats me the way it does, because that's what world does, not because of anything I am or do, I would take the fact that nothing changes even when I try to be as pretty and appealing as I can, as proof of that I'm a repulsive troll. And the more I put effort into something, the more important it becomes, and... I don't want to give my BDD any more fuel.
But... *sigh*
Nah. There is nothing wrong in taking care of oneself, and getting fit and... not pretty, but find my own style. This blog is all about that, and I really need to stop waiting for Gogol and start giving me what I really want, start being me. Not getting thin and fit because someone might like me more that way, but because I want to.
Because those people who don't like me when I'm at my worst, don't deserve me when I'm at my best.

And there's that... "make them regret they ever rejected you."

"Focusing on rejection can lead to negative thoughts and anxiety. Realize that you could just as easily focus on all of the positive things in your life, and your positive qualities." 

"When you use catastrophic terms like "nightmare," "terrible," and "horrible," you're bound to spend time dwelling on the negative."  

"Don't try to come up with reasons on why it happened and how to prevent it from happening again. Allow yourself to feel heartbreak—that's what actually gets us over it."

"Meditation is a great way to quiet the mind and help deal with the tendency to beat yourself up for things going wrong, says Piver, a practicing Buddhist. Another approach when negative thoughts are running endlessly through your mind is to get up and do something else."

How to get over the humiliation of being rejected
8 steps to mend a broken heart
heal my broken heart
Getting over a broken heart
How to get over a guy who humiliates you