Wednesday, May 30, 2012

It has not been a good week.

I got really upset about my foot. :-( No walks.

Badly photoshopped picture of me with Kelly's body.
I'm sorry, Kelly.
I got the idea that I can exercise without using my foot, but - I don't really have the space to do that. I would need to clean first, and I don't want to clean... so I have been pushing this in front of me for a week now...

I also am falling back to my nasty eating habits. I got an irresistible craving, and gave in... it's funny how easy it is to think "it's only this time, it's only for now, it's only for today, tomorrow I'll be good..."
Tomorrow never comes, as we all know... it's always today. So next time I'm going to push the craving till tomorrow. I may eat anything I like tomorrow. I promise. >:->

So - I found the kilo I lost. Not fun.
I feel disappointed, slightly surprised (for what, I don't know, because this is not magic, but pure science and logic - I know exactly what I did wrong. I didn't keep my food plan, and I didn't exercise. It really is as easy as that. :-D)
I feel sad, disheartened, I'm angry with myself who sabotages my efforts to lose weight and to at least once in my life feel what skinny feels like, so I could say if Kate Moss is right or not. And I also want to know by my own experience if skinny and fit is going to make me feel beautiful, which is what the thinspo people are saying.

So - it has not been a good week.

But, my sister called. She had had a dream about me, where I had lost weight and had a body exactly like Kelly Osbourne's... I wish :-D

Saturday, May 26, 2012


Dang, it's hard.

I just want pasta, bread, pancakes... a lot of carbs. Now. With sugar and jam and...
I have managed to keep my food plan for this week... the last 3-4 days, I think, and it works. I'm lighter now than a week ago. And at the same time that little devil starts whispering "but it's going so well, you can get yourself something good now, to reward yourself!"

I really want to eat everything from "this is why you're fat" and not even think of this: Damn It
It's not going to happen anyway...

But... it IS happening.
I am getting rid of half of me. If I only can not eat today...
(I am not not eating, mind you. I have eaten a good breakfast and dinner and some snacks, it's just the carbs I won't eat. I'm not hungry, I have cravings. And right now a big bowl of pasta with creamy sauce and fresh bread with fresh butter feels better than the possible fitness next year.
Yeah... if I would get fit as quickly as I can get myself a bowl of pasta, I'd choose fit. But I'll be fat tomorrow, whether I eat the pasta or not.
Instant gratification isn't fast enough, like Carrie Fisher said...)

can you see that sugar coating... and that bacon... and that light doughnut... 
you know how it feels... 
and I believe it more than Kate Moss. 
THIS tastes better than skinny feels like.

Uh. I better go make myself some sugar-free fruit salad and watch the Eurovision Song Contest. *sigh*

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Design seeds

Well... there's this site called "design seeds" where they make beautiful palettes of nice photos. They are not exactly my palettes, so I'll do some of my own...

And here's a idea board for a bedroom using these colors... I really need to learn to use shades :-D
But I'd love this room. I wonder if I'm Autumn (Color season theory) and not Spring...

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The one you feed, wins...

An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice, "Let me tell you a story.
I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die.
I have struggled with these feelings many times. It is as if there are two wolves inside me.
One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him, and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.
But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger,for his anger will change nothing.
Sometimes, it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."

The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather?"

The Grandfather smiled and quietly said, "The one I feed."
I try not to get bitter. It is hard, because I feel powerless. I cannot change other people. I cannot force them to apologize for the pain they have caused me. I cannot force them to answer my questions, explain, tell their story. I cannot make them communicate with me.

"Bitterness is the result of powerlessness in the face of anger."
-- Dr. Irene

"...bitterness is how we feel when we believe others have wronged us"
"Second, bitterness is personal. It is the nearness not the enormity of the sin that makes us bitter."
"Third, bitterness is into details and it remembers everything."
"The first thing is to acknowledge that my bitterness is my sin. I own it. The other person's sin isn't the issue."
"...the first thing we need to do is stop and thank God for revealing to us a reality that had previously escaped our notice."
-- Lawrence Kelley

"Bitterness is a state of mind similar to resentment. Implacableness, severity, keenness of reproach or sarcasm, arrogance, deep distress, grief, anger, contempt, slander, bad temper, lack of joy; are some of the ways that bitterness shows on our life."
"Bitterness will make us to be disrespectful, angry, depressed, rebellious, distressed, harsh, sad, full of an unending grief..."
"The more we think about that what make us sad, angry, bitter, the more sad, angry and bitter we will become, because we are not looking for the solution, we are feeding on the problem"
- Edith A. Lee

" [anger, deep hurt, bitterness] seem really based out of something deep within us that wants to not see ourselves as the 'loser'. We see 'them' in our minds as they go off happily in their little sunset.
And that is where the real problem lies. We keep seeing it as 'us' vs 'them'... ...the true heart of this is that you are still concentrating on 'them'."
- First Wives World

"Bitterness is a frozen form of latent anger and resentment. Bitterness grows out of our refusal, to let go when someone or something is taken from us. Bitterness is being constantly hurt by a memory and is holding onto a hurt until it has a hold on you... ...Whatever the cause, bitterness grows out of unreleased loss."
"Bitterness hurts us. Bitterness is an emotional suicide. Bitterness is drinking poison while hoping the other person will die. It is a very slow form of destroying one's peace of mind. It prolongs the hurt and it makes us miserable... ...It will always hurt ourselves more than it will hurt the other person."
"Bitterness and resentment starts growing from denial or rejection followed by shock and/or numbness, guilt, shame, depression, anger and grieving."

"Feeling bitter interferes with the body's hormonal and immune systems... ...Studies have shown that bitter, angry people have higher blood pressure and heart rate and are more likely to die of heart disease and other illnesses."

I cannot control other people. I cannot force them to do the right thing.
I have to forgive them for hurting me, doing wrong things, making wrong decisions. I have to forgive them to get rid of bitterness. I have to forgive them to be free.

I have to focus on me and not them. I have to give me what I deserve, and not expect that from someone else. I will never get an explanation, an apology nor a farewell. I have offered all these things to them. I have done right by me. I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to explain, nothing to apologize. I have to let go, stop waiting for things that will never happen, and stop giving them more time, space and peace of mind than they deserve - both the explanation/apology/farewell and to the people who refuse to give them to me. If they some day change their minds, good, if not, who cares.

I have to make a decision to stop poisoning my own life.

I have to take control of my life, my emotions and feelings and my attitude.

I have to start looking forward to my life and all the wonderful things that are yet to come.
I am grateful to God who set me free, even when I didn't know I was entangled and didn't want to be released.
I have to look at these people - me included - with kindness and tolerance and sympathy and mercy, and let us all go. Especially me myself. They are not holding me, I am.

Yes, it was wrong what they did.
Yes, they hurt you.
Yes, it is right, good and proper to get angry when something like that happens.
Yes, I have the justice on my side. It was not fair, I did nothing wrong, it is them who have to change, repent, apologize, not me.
But it doesn't really matter. This is not a question of who's right and who's wrong. This is a question of my peace of mind. This is a question of me being able to move on and carry on with my life and to live.
I need to learn from this and move on.

Learn what?

I need to stop being codependent. I need to stop looking for other people's approval. I need to learn to set my own borders and keep them. I need to start demanding people respect me, and that I'll do by respecting and honoring myself. I need to stop giving people so much power over me and my happiness. It is my life, I decide.

I need to give myself power in my life. I need to start taking stand and start doing things, empowering myself.

I need to learn to love and support myself and improve my own image of myself.
- 15 ways to improve your low self-esteem (and bad self image)
40 reasons to love your body as it is

I am not worthless, I am worth everything in this world I want. And I can - and will - give me everything I want. Everything.
God is good and Enough. There is enough in the world. I have enough of everything, EVERYTHING. I just need to learn to see it.
I am beautiful, brilliant, intelligent, funny, lovely, sweet, adorable, I am amazing, wonderful and delightful. I am innocent, sensual, creative, skillful and beautiful. I am beautiful, inside and out. I am beautiful.

I need to find serenity, learn to insist and persist with right things and let go of wrong things. I cannot control people, weather, circumstances, but I can control my own thoughts, attitudes and actions.

I need to learn to control and express my anger in a productive, creative and constructive manner, and not turning it into self-blame, self-hatred and bitterness.

I need to start focusing on the good in me, in future and the promises of the future, my dreams and what makes me happy and stop focusing on my problems, more or less imagined lacks, wrongdoings in the past, my fears and what makes me sad.

I need to start appreciating myself enough so that I seek for the company of people who wish to enjoy it and ignore the people who don't want my company either. There is plenty of people in the world who find me worth knowing, so I don't need to hang on people who don't.

I need to start caring about the people who care about me, and stop wasting my thoughts, resources and ideas on people who don't. I won't be buying anyone's approval anymore.

I need to transcede my history of abuse. It is history. It will never come back again. I can walk away from it. I can walk away from all the people who are abusing me in any way or manner. I don't need to stay. I don't need to allow anyone to abuse me.

I need to start minding my stress. Tai chi works. It works better than serenity prayer or any other mantra, breathing in a square etc. Tai chi works.

I need to start doing things. The more I do, the more I achieve, the more I express my abilities and give them space to blossom, the better I feel about myself and the harder it is to hurt me.

I need to teach myself to persist, not to give up, not to quit, but to work, one step at a time, fifteen minutes at a time, and finish what I start.

I need to start doing things that make me happy.

I need to start doing things that scare me.

I need to stop comparing me to others and to what I was or what I am in my fantasies, and start loving myself as I am, here and now. I am a good person. I don't deserve to be abused. So I need to stop abusing myself.

I need to count my blessings, and keep counting. And they are many. :-)

I need to put my suffering in the perspective - Yes, I have suffered, but I am not the only one. And it could have been worse. A lot worse.

Your loyal friend betrayed you? Well, he wasn't loyal, because he betrayed you, and he wasn't your friend because he wasn't loyal. So what did you lose? A stranger turned his back on you and went on his way. One could say he did you a favor, because he left you be and gave you clarity.
-- Maria Jotuni

Funny, how people work...

I write "morning pages" and today I was writing about my sorrow over not having children and not being beautiful... I am always very beautiful in my fantasies, and I have started to suspect that has something to do with me not doing anything about my life... It's like I recognize me not being the same woman that is in my fantasies, so those fantasies and dreams are not for me, but for that woman.
Anyway, I was saying that I would exchange my intelligence, my creativity, my sense of humor, my physical intelligence, my artistry, the skill of my hands, my sensuality, I would exchange all of it to be beautiful, admired, beloved, popular -  and a mother...

Then I realized something... I can keep all those qualities and yet become beautiful and a mother.

I have the option for private fertility treatment in Denmark until I'm 45. The only thing that requires is money. I can get money, by using my intelligence, talents, skills, capacity... So - I can BUY me motherhood... 
Unless, of course, I am not to be a mother. And then we will throw away some 50.000 kronas. But - then we'll know.

And beauty... beauty is in the eyes of the beholder... and, frankly, the only person I need to persuade of my beauty is me.
My husband already thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.
The rest of the world cannot even agree on who is beautiful and who's not.
I think Katherine Zeta Jones is lovely, my sister doesn't see anything beautiful in her.
There are people out there who think Audrey Hepburn wasn't especially beautiful. Among others, Audrey Hepburn ;-)
Megan Fox doesn't consider herself beautiful, even though quite a lot of the world holds another opinion.
 I don't find Paris Hilton beautiful, but she has her fans too.
So - what makes a woman beautiful?
Why couldn't I be beautiful too? There's nothing specifically ugly in me. I have two eyes, nose and mouth, placed in proper places on my face. The proportions aren't too odd. I have two arms and legs and a body in between...
I don't see any reason to why I wouldn't be, if not beautiful, acceptably good looking.

BTW, What makes a woman beautiful?
The main thing: she's a woman.
One must remember that beauty is not an important factor when it comes to relationships. Every man has their own preferences when it comes to preferring breasts or bottom, brunette or blonde, tall or short, muscular or petite, blue eyes, olive skin, and so on and so forth. You can be sure of one thing, though. What ever your specifics, there are men out there who find those specifics the most appealing. You don't even need to be fit and thin. There are guys out there who like their women soft and cuddly.

Most men prefer "healthy" women, that is not too thin, not too fat, size 10-16, BMI 20-30.
Most men prefer fit women, women who are "in good shape". You don't need to be thin, slender or have flat stomach, just have a good, basic fitness and physical condition, so that you actually could DO all the things you'd like to do with him... and he with you.
Most men prefer to have their women natural - or giving the natural impression. "Duck face" with fake boobs dressing up like a --- is not considered beautiful, even if she otherwise would fulfill "the requirements"... (Also, my husband told me to say this: "above all, real. Be yourself. It doesn't matter what you look like, just be yourself, have a personality.")
Most men prefer women who look different from men. Most men don't like bodybuilding women (though they too have their admirers, so don't stop bodybuilding if you are into it.) Most men prefer women to have a waist - it doesn't need to be really narrow and all that, but a woman's body should have curves, in "right places". First out on chest, then in, then out again... How much is irrelevant.

Most men prefer natural breasts, which ever size they are, to "plastic" ones.
Most men prefer to be the "sole beneficiary" of her charms...  "Your dresses should be tight enough to show you're a woman and loose enough to show you're a lady", said Edith Head, and she's right about that.
Also, carry yourself well. Good posture makes you prettier.
Most men also prefer a tidy woman. Now, I'm not talking about tidy housewives or strict, classy style.  Have any style you like, but don't be sloppy. Comb your hair. See that your clothes are in the order they are supposed to be. If ripped clothes are your style, go for it, if not, mend them.
Most men - if not all - prefer clean women. Dirt, sweat and such is quite ok - occasionally - but generally a woman should be clean. Most men prefer women to smell "good". Brush your teeth, shower, use deodorant and just a hint of perfume, perhaps. Most women smell "good" by nature, if they are clean.
Most men prefer a smiling woman. It doesn't matter if you think your smile is not pretty. It's a smile and that's what matters. Most men prefer a woman with clean teeth. They don't need to be straight, pretty, white or brilliant, just clean. And teeth. :-D
Bigger eyes are better than smaller, fuller lips are better than thinner, feminine, fine, narrow chin is better than bony, square, large chin, clear skin is better than spotty... but if you don't have these, remember that bright eyes are better than big eyes - get your sleep. Soft lips are better than full lips, so moisturize.
Smile gives beauty to any face. Expressions are important. It's better you have a "talking" face than no wrinkles.
Interest also. A girl that is interested in you and what you are saying is prettier than the picture perfect beauty who doesn't even look at you.

Friday, May 18, 2012

colorscope and french braid

Paper source colorscope: how does it work? You choose the color(s) you like best. One or two. If you can't decide, take three, but not more.
I chose peacock and papaya.

Oh... On the other hand, I like the least colors like beet, fuchsia, black and paper bag, and those say about the same thing... so... Hmm...

What ever. What I found most interesting is that when I was choosing, I copied this picture on my PSP, and removed the colors I like least, and ended up with Spring colors (Spring as in "color me beautiful")... :-D
Now, that says more about me, I think. I love the spring colors.

I like this one: "your smile alone can brighten a day" :-)

1000 days of hair, day 2

Now, I won't post a picture of my french braid, but here's a tutorial on how to do it yourself. It's not as difficult as it seems... take your time and practice, and you'll see it's really easy.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

1000 days of hair

I have read somewhere that you can see how straight your hair is, if you wet it and then let it dry lying on a paper. Mine dries slightly curvy. Not S-waves, but C :-D
So I assume my hair is straight with a slight body wave. So 1b

My hair is really, really fine. F

The circumference of my ponytail is about 6 cm. So the volume is normal. I don't have thin hair :-) Yippee! I have believed I have for the last 30 years! YAY!
So - ii

1bFii - fine, straight and normal thick

Alas, the 1000 days of hair haven't updated for over a year, so I assume it can be counted as dead. :-(

So - Today, 17th of May 2012, I start my 1000 days of hair.
11th of February, 2015, will be the last day. That's also my sister's 56th birthday.

I am Ketutar and I am a long-hair-wannahave.

Right now my hair is on "bra level" - midback.
"Classic" is a bit too long to my taste, waist or hip length feels all right at the moment. So - the 1000 days sound about right.
So - I won't cut my hair the next 1000 days, except to trim the ends.

I also want to grow my fringes out, and get a nice, clean U shape hem :-)

So - what do I do with my hair?
It's not that long, yet, so I still have the same routine I have always had - and this is about as long as my hair has ever been...

I sleep with loose hair. If I have understood it correctly, I have to stop that. There's a reason why the Victorian ladies slept with braided hair.

I comb my hair in the morning and rip off the tangles quite ruthlessly.
As far as I understand I need to stop that. I need to learn to untangle the tangles very gently with my fingers, use oil or conditioner and gently brush my hair. Or let my husband brush it. ;-)

I like hairdos, and that I have understood is a good thing, to keep the hair off trouble and untangled.

I love "hair toys".

I wash my hair every day if I need to go somewhere, because my skin is quite oily and my hair is really, really fine, so it sucks up the oil in just a blink of an eye. It also sucks up all the oil from my hands, all the dirt and moisture from the air, etc. so at the end of the day it is not clean and shiny, even when I washed it in the morning and had it up all day.

Now, I read that washing the whole length dries the ends up too quickly, so I suppose I need to learn to braid my hair very loosely and then just wash the scalp and try to keep the braid dry...
I'm happy my hair isn't that long yet :-D
[Apparently you can avoid this by first applying a conditioner to your hair, then washing the scalp with prefoamed shampoo (prefoamed - put about a tablespoon of shampoo in a bottle, add about half a cup of water, shake, shake, shake...)

At the moment I wash my hair in shower.
I comb the hair before washing it.
I wash it twice with a regular shampoo. Then put on the conditioner on hair tops only, and comb it with my fingers. I let it stay as I wash the rest of me, then I rinse the hair with cold water, and wash the conditioner off my neck keeping the hair up, so that I won't wash off the conditioner from my hair.

Then I dry my hair by squeezing it, comb it, let it air dry and then I put it up.

Sometimes I put it up when it's not yet dry, because that works like hair spray, keeps the hair tidy.

I don't use any hair products, like hairspray or mousse or so, because I hair the feeling of stuff in my hair. I have Asperger's...

I use weekly oil-and-honey treatments to keep the hair ends unfrizzled, and to keep the hair shiny and pretty.

I also use henna about 4-6 times a year.
I like my hair red :-)

So - that's it.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Er... I have all kinds of objections to this list.

The main objection will be, that if you don't love yourself now, you won't love yourself better for being thin and fit either. If you don't have the confidence now with the body you have, you won't magically get it by being thin either. If you are not proud of you as it is, you won't be much prouder later.
The truth is that if you work with the inside, the outside will follow... and if you work with the inside and are proud and happy of the inside, and love the inside, you don't give a damn about the outside...

Also, the success rate for people trying to lose weight because they hate their fat selves is very small... you are more likely to keep eating because you hate yourself, than choose better, pamper yourself and your body with healthy food, enjoy exercise and other things you need to do to lose weight. If you hate yourself, if you are ashamed of who and what you are, you will avoid going out, so you will be eating more... it's a vicious circle.

I don't want to lose weight to love myself. I think I'm pretty wonderful person as it is.

I want to lose weight so that the rest of the world will "love" me more. That they won't judge me for being fat and ugly, and punish me for it... You see, beautiful people get everything they want, and to be considered beautiful in the modern society, you must be thin and fit. 
I mean, Miranda Lambert is presented as "proud of her healthy curves". "I'm representing normal girls. It's OK to have a little bit of curve. I'm happy with my body. So many girls come up to me and say, 'Thank you for being normal,' and I'm proud of that," she told Health in 2011. “I’m a size 6 to 8, and I’m totally fine with that. BeyoncĂ© is an inspiration to me — she has a booty and is proud of it.”
SIZE 6-8 IS NOT NORMAL!!! [For the European readers, 6-8 is Swedish size 34-36 and that is really small... Not in model world, where 6-8 is considered "plus" sizes, and sure it's "normal", as in she's not too thin, but normal, average, most common size, the size most women are is 40-42. US 12-14. I am size 50 (US22). So don't come here telling me about Miranda Lambert being on the most beautiful people's list and not being thin, because she is thin.]
Jordin Sparks was just as beautiful she is now 2 years ago, but then she was not on the list... What has changed? She's 6 sizes smaller now... >:->
(Actually, the only one not thin on the list is Adele... and she's a deviation... and damn beautiful. If she was thin, she would be higher up on the list. Anyway, you don't need to be as beautiful as Adele to be considered beautiful by the society if you are thin. )
Yes, I want to lose weight to be beautiful... to look at myself in the mirror and photos and think I look good. I do think thin people look better than non-thin people. Sorry. But I'm an apple, a goblet, which means I'm not all cute and cuddly and soft and sweet as pear-shaped or hourglass-shaped plump women. Sure it's just bull, as there are apple shaped women who look stunningly good in spite of being fat, and I manage to look good every now and then too, even though I'm not thin and fit.

So - even though I can  already wear bikini and tiny shorts and everything else I want to, because they make bikinis of any sizes, and even if they don't, it's not rocket science to make one - the weight is of no relevance - I want to lose weight to look good in bikini and tiny shorts and everything else I want to wear.

And not only to be beautiful in the eyes of the society, but I want the esteem of being thin and fit too... You know, when you're fat people think you're a lazy pig... and that's it. Well... you're also ridiculous and disgusting.
Fit and thin people are seen as active, lively, fun, energetic, interesting and hard-working, with healthy and good values and priorities.They are taken seriously and listened more and they are included more often than fat people.

I want to lose weight to stop being the "fat aunt" and the "fat sister". I don't want to be defined by my looks and my weight. I am interested to know how people will define me when I'm fit and thin.

I am not embarrassed to walk into a gym being fat, because the people there will look at you and they will think you are a great person who has a problem and does something about it. You will find that some of them are even willing to help you, and offer to give you tips, company and encouragement on your way to your dream body.
I am also not embarrassed to run or walk, because I know when I do that, I'm out there doing something to get fit.
But I don't think I look good exercising... and I want to. I don't like the way I look all flushed up, red and sweaty. The better condition I have, the more I can do before I get red and sweaty. So - I want to lose weight to look good exercising :-D

I want to lose weight to be able to move easier. The more I do, the more I'll be able to do.
(Also, I want to be able to run from the dinosaurs and zombies, when the time comes :-D)

I want to lose weight to weigh less - to be able to dance on my toes, to be able to jump and do all that kind of things, like parkour and figure skating, without damaging my body and the environment.
Also, there's a weight limits to some of the things I want to do, like bungee jumping and riding the wind, what ever that is called. (Indoor skydiving?)

Oh, yeah, and I want the flat stomach too... I have always wanted the... er... wrinkles... Flat tummy when sitting, slouching... with the wrinkles... you know, like her top, except with skin and not fabric.
[Her nipples are in wrong place though... ;-)]

I want to lose weight to have a size the fashion industry considers "normal", so that I can buy myself clothes from ordinary stores and internet, and second hand stores, without needing to alter them, without needing to settle with the very limited selection... I want to see something in a shop window or magazine or internet and know that I can go and buy it and wear it.

I want to get clothes without needing to sew them myself.

I want to lose weight to get healthier.
I have sleep apnea, because I weigh too much. I need to get rid of at least 20 kilos to get rid of the sleep apnea too.
I would probably get rid of quite a lot of pain and tiredness if I got rid of the sleep apnea.
My asthma would get better if I weighted less.
My IBS would be better if I ate better, and if I ate better, I would weigh less...
Frankly, a lot of health problems would be helped by losing weight.

And, yeah... I want to lose weight to show them all! I want to prove that anything they can do I can do too, and better!

I want to lose weight to keep a promise to myself, to keep doing something, to finish something once in my lifetime, to persist and work and keep working, and get what I work for. No more disappointments in myself, no more failed promises and resolutions. No more letting myself down.
I want to prove myself that even though the rest of the world thinks I'm worthless, *I* think I'm "worth it", worth the best, worth the investment, worth the sacrifice... That there's at least one person in the world who is willing to give up a lot to give me what I want... At least one person who puts me in the first place.

BTW, you don't need to lose weight for "before" and "after" photos.
Take a "before" photo in ruthless light, slouching, without having washed or combed your hair and brushed your teeth, moping, angry, in too small clothes.
Take an "after" photo with the best lighting, standing straight, holding your head up high, with pretty clothes that are in right size, in nice hairdo and bright, clean smile, thinking about the best thing you can imagine, the person you love most in the world, your favorite food... how your life will be in a year, when you are all thin and fit and with the guy of your dreams...
There's a world of difference.
And maybe it gives you the self-love, confidence and courage to go out there and start changing your lifestyle and eating habits, so that you will get the body you want, too.
Because there really is nothing wrong in wanting to be thin and fit. Just do it for the "right" reasons...