Monday, September 13, 2010


The next day after weighing 103,7 kilos, I weighed 102.7 (226 pounds). It was on the peak of my menstruation, so I was probably more "moist" than usually. One can think the kilo was pure water.

The mystery is that I weigh the same today, 102,7.
My waist is 43 inches in the narrowest place, making my approximate fat percentage about 37%
I have been avoiding sugar, white wheat and sandwiches, and exercising every day. I have exercised at least half an hour every day.


Really. Why bother doing anything. *sigh*
I'm going to give this one more week, but if I still weigh over 102 kilos, I'll give up.
I NEED to see some results.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I hate this

I am desperately trying to avoid getting all depressed, by working on my writing, but it isn't working.
I am feeling hopeless. I have Asperger's. I know people with Asperger's are able to work almost like "normal" people, but... I don't want to. I have been trying for 40 years and it's just not working. It's like when you are learning foreign languages. There comes a point when you are so good at the new language, that people forget it's a foreign language to you, and they expect the same of you as of anyone speaking the language as their mothertongue.
I speak "social" almost fluently, and people expect me to be fluent in it. It is still strange to me, difficult, foreign, alien... I will get punished because I don't speak - or understand - it fluently, by people not wanting to be with me and do things with me. So I don't do things.
Now I'm tired of even trying to "talk social".
I am tired trying to get along with people, try to negotiate and compromise and make deals and get out of the communication what I need.

I have been exercising and eating ok for three days now, and it doesn't show anywhere. It feels totally useless. Why would I refuse myself some of the joys of life for nothing? Right now it is for nothing. I have been trying to change my weight for 20 years now, and I weigh more than 20 years ago. I weigh about 30 kilos more today than 20 years ago.

I started eating unhealthy things when I was a teenager, because I was lonely. I'm still eating unhealthy things because I am lonely. I am married, to another lonely person, and it feels like we are parts of one lonely entity. He is sick too, carrying his own burdens, that make it difficult and often practically impossible to do anything else but potter inside and try to make time pass. You don't need to be fit and thin to write, read, watch television and play with the computer.

I try to loose some weight to see if my pain would go away with the weight. It might well be some sort of nerves in jam in my neck due to my obesity that makes the fingers ache. But... my life stinks, even after I have tried doing something to change it. My fingers ache, but now my legs are killing me too, because I have been walking and jogging, and I weigh 100 kilos.

I have never had normal weight in my adulthood. I don't know what it is like. To me the choice to sweat, ache and cry now so that I may have the energy to do things or live longer is totally idiotic. No choice at all.
Live longer? For what? Why? What's so great about life, so that one would want to live to be 70, 80, 90, 100 or older? I watch my parents who are 75 and have all kinds of health problems. I read Katherine Hepburn's biography, and she, a woman who had been fit all her life, had all kinds of problems. Even the best of us will get old, weak and sick. What's so great about that?
I suppose I will spent the rest of my life the same way I have spent the life so far. Sitting home, reading, writing, creating, watching television, playing with the computer... And I have all the energy needed for that already.

So, to me the choice is having something tangible, real, enjoyable now, or denying that from myself, perhaps even do something difficult, heavy, painful and sweaty. so that PERHAPS some day in the future THAT NEVER COMES I would... what? WHAT?! Because it is not said my pain is because of my overweight. It CAN be fibromyalgia, and then I would be thin and fit and in pain, sitting by my computer, writing, reading, watching television and playing. Having denied myself a huge part of what I consider being luxury and luxury I can afford, for NOTHING.

I know I feel physically crap, and it MIGHT change if I lost weight, but this is the only reality I know, and even when it's not fun, it's tolerable. Acceptable. I cannot see how it would be any better if I lost 40 kilos and exercised and was fit, like I was when I was a teenager. I mean... I didn't have these pains, but I didn't have any friends either, or anything to do except read, write, create, watch television and play with the computer. Or, to be honest, I didn't have a computer and internet then, because I was a teenager in the 80's, and even though internet is about as old as I am, it didn't became even close to what it is now before late 90's.

I would like to practice martial arts, though, and my main excuse not to do that, is that I'm not fit... but... I am also a middle-aged woman with Asperger's, social phobia, panic anxiety and inherited bad knees... I don't think I would do anything about it even if I was fit.

I think I hate my life more than myself.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I have never been this heavy

This morning I weighed 103,7 kilos. That's 228 pounds. BMI 37. "Class II Obese". Not yet "morbidly obese", but getting there. Not even 9 kilos to go. (But only 5 kilos to go to Class I)
(My estimated body fat percentage is 36%)

It feels like I have been fighting overweight my whole adult life.
When I was 70+, I was thinking "not over 80".
When I was 80+, I was thinking "when it gets over 90...".
Then it got over 90. For a while I was shocked, then I got used to seeing the 9 as the first number of my weight...
Then came the horrible day my weight wasn't 2 numbers anymore. At that time I comforted myself by saying that "at least I'm lighter than my husband".
Now I cannot even say that. I weigh more than my husband.

I hate myself.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Defining beauty

Huh... This is me about 10 years ago - and 20 kilos ago. - with Marquardt's face mask.
Fascinating... my right eye is a bit higher than the left eye, and my chin is bigger than "perfect" and my forehead slightly narrower... and my eyebrows are a bit bushy. But the rest... Nice :-)

I wonder how well I would fit the jaw line if I was model weight... that is about 55 kilos. 45 kilos less than now. (Indeed, loosing half of me ;-))

I have always thought I'm ugly. I suppose I can stop that now :-D

On the other hand... here's Audrey Hepburn, chosen to the most beautiful woman of 20th century, according to QVC poll, and Angelina Jolie, the most beautiful woman of 20th century according to Harper

Audrey's face is too small to dr Marquardt, her eyes too big; Angelina's nose is too short and face too long, and lips too full... so - what's beauty?

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Celebrity weight loss

I was watching "40 most slimmed down celebrities" at VH1

I'm really p'd off with Tyra Banks right now. She "fights back" and gets the country's support and THEN looses the weight, and by doing so she's telling everyone her critiques were right and everyone else, herself included, was wrong, and she IS fat in the cover of People.

My tips for weight loss:

1) eat breakfast
2) don't eat anything after 8 P.M.
3) eat when you are hungry, what you want to eat and stop eating when you are not hungry anymore. (Not after you are so full you can't eat anymore.) It usually is enough with one bite of candy, doughnut or something, and you won't be depriving yourself what you like, but not letting the food decide for you either.
It might take some practice to actually KNOW what you want to eat. Sit down and THINK about eating what ever it is you want to eat. Is it what you want to eat?
4) find some ways to reward yourself that don't involve food; take a bath, read a good book, take a walk in park, buy yourself a magazine, a piece of jewelry, or what ever rocks your boat.
5) drink a lot of water. Have a water bottle by you all the time, and keep it full of good water. Not juice, drink, soda or such, but water. Perhaps add a twist of lemon, if you like that, but don't add sugar.
6) don't use light products and artificial sweeteners and such. Use proper butter, cream and sugar, when you do, and EAT LESS. Artificial sweeteners and light products cheat you to eat more and cause health problems we haven't researched enough.
7) don't count calories. If you want to count, eat only as much as your cupped hands can hold, and then stop. You can even get a bowl the size of your cupped hands, so that when visiting someone, you can fill the bowl and then stop eating. Everything you eat at one sitting, even if it was a 12 course dinner, count, so if you want some dessert, you need to save some place in the bowl for that ;-)
8) keep your blood sugar in steady level. It's better for you to eat a little all day long, than eat a lot once a day. (If you are used to not listen to your body, eat one handful every 3-4th hour, and the last meal 8.P.M. That gives you 4-6 meals a day.)
9) eat fresh fruit, vegetables and nuts as snacks. A bowl of mixed nuts and a bowl of mixed fruits in pieces fully replace the bowls of candy and chips in your mind, and it won't hurt you like sugar and salt do.
10) walk when you can (so that you can walk when you need to). Don't take the elevator, take the stairs; don't take the car to the grocery store, get a bike or walk (now, of course, within limits. If you have more than a mile to the store, you may consider alternatives, but a mile is nothing.) Get off the buss a stop before yours and walk home. Walk to the next buss stop when you are to take the buss somewhere. If you miss a buss and must wait, walk to the next buss stop in stead. Take a short walk at your coffee breaks and lunch breaks.
11) Keep a bag of nuts and a bottle of water with you all the time.
12) make a list of your favorite foods, the stuff you don't want to be without, what you would eat as your last supper - you know, whether it is pizza, lasagne or sandwiches, and promise yourself you will eat that once in a week, but only once a week. NOT EVERY DAY.
13) have a day in a week you may eat ANYTHING. What ever you want, feel like, and as much as you want/can/desire.
14) throw out all sugar and white wheat flour and everything alike; candy, baked goods, cookies, cakes, potato chips, snacks, sugar coated anything, etc - and get rid of all light products, slimming products and sweeteners and cream replacements, and all artificial stuff, "just add water", mixes and ready-made stuff. Don't keep anything like this in your cupboard, fridge or freezer. You won't eat something you don't have.
15) learn to cook. Have a cooking day when you make food and fill your freezer for those days you don't feel like cooking.
16) find out which vegetables/fruits you like and which you don't, and fill your cupboards with the ones you like. Have a bowl of good salad (no salad dressing) in your fridge all the time, and use it. When ever you take a sandwich or a piece of meat or something like that, take also some salad.
17) find out which sports you like and start exercising. There is something for everyone, even if it's Tai Chi or shooting. (Yes, shooting is a sport. You can even count things like shopping and cleaning ;-))
Ask your friends to exercise with you. Call a friend to keep you company, if there's no-one around, or use music or audio books.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Everyone is more or less autistic?

I read this and found it very interesting.

I have "very clearly" Asperger's and "very clearly not" ADD or ADHD.

Information, data, knowledge, has always been the top priority to me. My biggest problem in ANY area of life is whether I am understood/misunderstood by others, and whether I understand what others say. I am a compulsive-obsessive hoarder when it comes to trivial information - I collect books, papers, lists, even single words, like a magpie. I would rescue my information sources before my clothes, photos, jewelry, handbag...

I have never been a rebel. I don't protest against authorities, I respect old age, I am good at obeying. I think I would have been a good soldier. I truly believe people in authority position are there because they deserve it :-D
Not so to my husband, who believes people in authority positions are automatically powerhungry control freaks who enjoy bullying and manipulating others, and tell others to do things just because they can. He has ADHD ;-)
So, for me it's 3-?-?-4, without a doubt.

So what about 1 and 2?

I have some OC features. I cannot pass a messy shelf in a store. I have to organize it. I always sort my color pencils, money, books, dishes, laundry... We have a system, my husband and I - he does the laundry and I sort it in the closet and drawers.

But comfort and sensory privacy are very important to me as well. I need to be alone, I need to be untouched, especially if I'm emotionally upset. I cannot stand being hugged when I'm sad, I want to cringe when someone pats me on my back or head and holding hands is weird, even when it's someone I like, like my husband. I am extremely focused on that all the time when we are holding hands. I am also very sensual, enjoy the sensory input, but only as long as it is on my terms. When I am emotionally upset, all the sensory input becomes overwhelming, even painful. One of the first signs of me being in a bad place is that I try to shelter my eyes from light. I would rather sit in a dark closet, or preferably, in a weightless bubble, because the weight of my own bodyparts, the mere body, is too overwhelming to me. I like the floatation tanks.

I think comfort comes before neatness for me... because my home is a mess. I hate taking care of my personal hygiene. I only take care of it so that the people in my environment wouldn't be unnecessarily bothered by it. I don't personally feel uncomfortable being dirty and wearing dirty, raggety clothes. Id rather be naked, though, because my own skin isn't itchy, scratchy and not too small or in a way, like clothes can be :-D
Also, I don't depend on the "correct tool" to be able to do things. If I cannot find the right color pencil, I use another. I have no problems in drawing on paper with lines, or writing across the lines.

My favorite place is the library and museums.
My second favorite place is the bed :-D Entertainment and pleasure are high on my list, so being able to sit in comfortable clothes, enjoying good food and a good book - or surfing the internet - or watching television, preferably a good film or interesting documentary :-D - comfortably, on a good chair, sofa or bed, is a very nice idea.
I would not give up my pleasure for organizing and cleaning, but I'd rather do that than run from home, head to new adventures, be a rolling stone and follow my hat to new homes, never looking back...

So - 3-1-2-4

Me and hubby... he's not that clear with the other 3, but 4 is always #1 :-D

You are in a well-equipped kitchen ready to make food. What do you think is important?

1) that the food you make will be good
2) that the kitchen and equipment is clean
3) that you know the recipe and the chemistry of the food
4) that you may choose freely what to make and how

What is a well-equipped kitchen, apart from good tools?

1) open, easy, warm and soft
2) clean, tidy, efficient
3) cook books
4) full fridge and cupboard

You are heading toward a book shelf to find something to read. What will you pick?

1) something entertaining, funny, lovely, a good story; probably a children's book, romance, funny stories or a comic book.
2) good book that is in good condition. Proabably a contemporary novel or world classic.
3) something you'll learn something new from, perhaps a fact book, but fiction is ok too, probably a historical or spiritual novel or a biography.
4) what ever you feel like, probably action; thriller, detective novel, scifi or fantasy, perhaps horror.

You need to sleep. Which bed will you choose?

1) a bed with soft, comfortable bed linen, nothing itchy and scratchy
2) a clean bed, set exactly as I need/want/like it
3) a bed with a good mattress, ergonomical and healthy, providing the scientific conditions for good night sleep.
4) which ever I choose

You need a pair of shoes. Which will you choose?

1) the comfortable ones with enough room for toes and which don't shafe.
2) the neat ones that are easy to keep clean
3) the best shoes for the purpose
4) shoes that look good. Shoes I want.

You are invited to sit in the living room. Where will you go and sit?

1) the nice, soft and cosy arm chair or sofa, perhaps a bean bag or rug
2) the chair or sofa which is easy to access and you can get up easily from, probably not a soft one
3) The one best suited for your purposes. The most ergonomical one. Perhaps one close to the book shelf, or close to someone you might learn something from.
4) The chair where nothing is behind you, and which you can get to and leave freely

What are the keywords for these 4 groups:
1) comfort, beautiful, easy, nice, soft, warm, gentle, tender, cozy
2) well organized, neat, clean, undamaged, tidy, well kept, pure, perfect, order, pristine, as it should be
3) clever, ingenious, ergonomical, ecological, scientific, purposeful, reason, relevant
4) with lots of choices, non-traditional, unusual, as they choose, wish, prefer, being in charge, it shouldn't take much time, it may not be a burden, may not tie one down in any way, no rules, obligations, force

What happens when we are in a "bad place"?

First, I want to flee, free myself from any obligation, rules, force.
Second, I start throwing things around, spread mess and chaos, I break things and kick furniture and so on... Or I start compulsively cleaning.
Third, I try to comfort myself - go to a place with as little sensory stimulation as possible. If nothing else is possible I freeze, refuse to listen, speak, communicate, I turn inwards. I don't want to be touched.
Four - I am able to discuss the matter to understand what just happened.

He needs to understand what is happening... this comes always first. Then he needs comfort.

So... almost a year later

Of course it all came tumbling down. :-(

I ate a lot during the Yuletide and through the Spring and Summer... now it's Autumn, and I weigh about 100 kilos.

I re-read my blog entries and I am interested in trying again. Situation has changed a little from October.

1) my benefits were tried in May/June, and I got 18 months more time. The "allowance" is halved, though, so I don't have much money. This 18 months - or 15 now - are to be used to rehabilitation, to get me back to the work life. I am still in constant pain and have no diagnose on that... I have had my sleep apnea tested, but the results are pending... for about a month more. I have no faith in my doctor, and tomorrow I'm going to call to another, and hopefully will get a time in a month or so. I really want to get this checked and be sure of what's wrong with me and what can be done to it. My hands hurt, again, like hell, and I don't know how much more I will be writing. It doesn't make the pain worse, and my hands will hurt anyway, but... I will be feeling too sorry for myself.

2) I have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. I assume I will be getting some help because of that. It IS sort of autism, a handicap one is born with, so I will be counted as disabled person. I don't know how that will change things, but I know it will...

So - back to eating "nothing" - just tea, water, a spoonful of yogurt when I'm hungry, a mouthful of juice when I feel the sugar graving, and the vitamins, minerals and fish oil :-)

I really want to remove the obesity factor when it comes to my health and pain.