Saturday, September 22, 2012

To be myself

I have decided that I won't play the social games anymore.

In 40 years people have been letting me know that they don't see me as a social creature, and I don't enjoy the social endeavours like my neuronormal peers do. I find them confusing and very tiresome.

God has shown me that She has ways of introducing people in my life when ever it's necessary.
I mean... I bought the book about finding a spouse, when I was 17 and wanted nothing more in life but someone to love me, someone whom I could love, someone to share my life with, someone to father my children, a lover...
It took me 10 years to find this someone...
Think about it.
What 20±6 years old woman doesn't have a boyfriend? What 20±6 years old woman, who lives in a normal society and doesn't lock herself inside, who goes to school, work, movies, art exhibitions, travels, occasionally goes even dancing with "the girls", doesn't have a boyfriend - or even "suitors"? I have never even been asked to dance!
Well, once. I was in London and an USonian twice my age asked me to dance. I danced with him one dance, and after that he didn't want to dance. >:->
Is it a wonder I am convinced I'm the... not ugliest woman on earth, because I'm not ugly, but the most disgusting, repelling, "disagreeable" woman on this planet.
Anyway, in that book the author said that one needs to go out, get out, get hobbies and start doing things, to add to one's chances of meeting someone. The more people you meet, the bigger chances you have that someone of them finds you attractive. ha.
And she told a story... about a woman who wanted to marry, but she never left her house. One day a parachuter landed in her garden. They fell in love with each other and got married and as far as I know they are still happily married.
This was told as an example of that "sure, miracles happen, but if you go out there and do things and meet more people, you don't need a miracle."
The thing is that Goddess' will BE done. Whether I like it or not. My whole life to the point where I met my husband was to lead me to that point and to him. Goddess kept me for him. Nothing I did, taking courses, going to exhibitions and events, going dancing, brought me any nearer my husband. I found him in Stockholm Tolkien society, which I joined because I love Tolkien and I have Asperger's, like probably half of Tolkienites of the world, learning Tolkien's languages, writing and the history of Middle Earth by heart... and I like re-enactment and I'm a medievalist, thanks to Tolkien, Arthur and fairytales... I found him, doing what *I* liked to do, not by following any advice from anyone.
So - he would have found me anyway.
Goddess will bring to me who I'm supposed to be with, and I don't f-ing need to do one single thing to make it happen.

I don't need to go out there, I don't need to put myself out there to be harmed, to get the social life I need. Right now, at this moment, the biggest griefs I have had has been connected to other people and what I experience as bullying, whether it is done intentionally or unintentionally. This has caused me to focus on how I look, what impression I give, and as I have Asperger's, I will give a more or less odd impression, and neuronormal people, as the instinktive animals they are, will always react by becoming suspicious. Kind people will react with curiosity, unkind people will react with hostility, but even curiosity isn't good for me. It makes me feel like a freak show specimen.
The world tries to make me social, tries to get me to work with people, socialize with my work mates, have friends, go out and do things together with other people. There really isn't any other option for life, if life is to be considered fulfilling and worthy... Even people who create something great are pitied if they did it in solitude, and this is lift forth as something peculiar and noteworthy. Why?
(Just make an image search on "solitude"... Solitude is supposed to be something good, but the a lot of images are about being alone, being lonely, not having a social life and finding it hard to bear. Why?)

So I have decided. I will stop even trying to play the social games. I don't think I'll ever get the rules, and it feels like a game of "Guess what I'm thinking? No! Tehehee! No! Teheheee! Not that either! Oh, how stupid you are! Tehehee!"
I just feel shareless of the fun, I don't see what's supposed to be fun in it, and it just isn't fun for me.
So why the heck would I even bother playing?
It's apparently not "me".

It's not that I'd be really missing anything. To me the world is full of amazing, wonderful, magical things.
Like the forest. Taking a walk in the forest, only me and the dog there...Solitude, peace... feeling the forest with the life and strength and serenity... patience... that you can only find in a forest.
Reading books.
Internet and all the amazing ideas... someone said "Pinterest is like getting the best magazine home EVERY DAY". There are all the things one can do, all the crafting ideas and all the inspiration for artwork and writing, all the tv series and movies... I don't dislike people. I think humanity is one of the best ideas Goddess ever had :-D I am in love with this animal and the wonderfulness of it... all the artwork, all the literature, and even all the seemingly petty little things like what is created by ordinary housewives with their love of Jane Austen novels...,, Instructables... Oh! So much to do, so little time!
And everything is at your fingertips with internet shops... I just ordered material from England that would have taken a lot of me to get from Sweden. Just a couple of clicks, no need to talk to anyone, no need to try to be social, friendly and polite, no fear of misunderstanding... Such a blessing!
Thank you, all the people who are responsible for this. I don't know who you are, but my heart is filled with gratitude to you every single day of my life. I don't know you, but I love you and I hope you feel the love and it makes your day a little bit easier to live, because you deserve it. Goddess bless you, sweet, darling people.

You see, I'm a loving philanthrope in reality. It's just the social games I can't comprehend or handle. So I shouldn't. I should just let my love of humanity and the best of it fill my life, and ignore the expectations I couldn't possible fill. I'll just be here, in safety of my own private "convent", and love you, and avoid being with you, because you don't love me.

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