Friday, May 31, 2013

Autism and Aspergers Conference with Tony Attwood

series of articles; part I, part II and part III

Oh... I just remembered why I don't like Tony Attwood :-D

"A child with this type of personality talks like an adult, thinks like an adult and wants to be treated like an adult. However, the reciprocity is missing as the child usually has poor listening skills and lacks the ability to give a narrative that is succinct or interesting to the listener."

Hmm... And most adults have poor child listening skills. Most children lack the ability to give a narrative that is succint or interesting to the listener, and frankly, a lot of adults too. I think it's unfair to speak of children with Asperger's in this manner.

"The main emotional issues Asperger saw were anxiety, sadness and anger management. Their emotions tend to be volatile, and there is a great tendency to worry and catastrophize situations."

This is a good definition of a child who has been emotionally abused... In me this became a problem only after 5 years of being bullied every day. Before I became a teenager, I was the most stabile and happy child. Now, after 30 years of emotional abuse, I have panic anxiety disorder, social phobia, depression and problems with anger management, volatile emotions, "temper tantrums" and "a great tendency to worry and catastrophize situations".

"Empathy isn’t missing but tends to be immature due to a difficulty in reading signals such as gestures and facial expressions. They can be sensitive to the emotional atmosphere, though, even when they can’t translate into words what they are sensing."

By my experience most aspies are very empathethic. Most Aspies won't watch news, because we feel too much with the people in the news, and it's usually bad news. People with Asperger's try to get out when people are being emotional, because they can't handle their own emotions. We mirror. We feel what you feel, and because most neuronormal people are liars, and say "nothing's wrong", when we KNOW something is wrong, the situation becomes unbearable.
Also, most neuronormal people say one thing with their words, and another with their faces and bodies.
Besides, there is no standard in how to relate to people's emotions. People with Asperger's tend to be quite matematic with their thought process. When the number of variables and unknown factors grow too impractical to handle, we don't bother trying to solve the problem. So, when people are going through emotions, we let them, and go about our own business. Now, codependent people tend to see this as selfish and uncaring...

"Motor clumsiness is common and, in the classroom, can translate to handwriting issues. Dr. Attwood made the point that practice doesn’t make perfect in this case because each handwritten word has its own formation and requires a significant amount of effort. The answer is not practice, but using a keyboard instead."

Have these children with Asperger's been observed without their knowing they are being observed, in an environment they feel comfortable in? "Clumsiness" is a normal Asperger's reaction on stress and confusion.

Rethinking Autism: Implications of Sensory and Movement Differences

"Sensory hypersensitivity is also common and what is different from typical children is the fact that they usually don’t habituate to sounds or other input, even over time. Again, practice does not make perfect."

How the hell could anyone PRACTICE to "habituate" to sounds or other input with that kind of circumstances!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Funny things happen in Wonderland

You perhaps remember me whining and ranting about things that happened over a year ago. (460 days ago, but who's counting? :-D)

Now, I have had my speculations and ideas and theories, but never those that seem to be pretty correct right now.

I was really, really, really devastated to find out that a time that had been very good for me was ending.
I was almost hysterical, fighting with fear, confusion, sadness, disappointment... I was very upset, and  I did something I shouldn't have.
Now, if my playmate had been the sympathetic adult I thought he was, he would have been able to help me through it.
He wasn't and he didn't.
I have had hundreds of different explanations.
One was that I am so hideous and repulsive I made a middle-aged man run to mommy throwing up.
Apparently that is quite close to the reality.
The funniest thing with this is that I am surprised to find out that I indeed was correct all the time :-D

Well, there are some details in this story that make the picture a lot different.

I have Aspergers. They say people with Aspergers don't have theory of mind. They describe "theory of mind" as compassion and empathy, and to say people with Aspergers don't have compassion and empathy is bullshit. (Excuse my English). We do have that. But what I lack is the ability to...

Uh. I'm circling the issue here :-D

I thought he was not responding to my mails because he had been forbidden.
I wrote him mails, trying to persuade him to give me a closure. Not manipulate, no. I wrote heart-felt, sincere mails, about how I saw the issue, how I felt, how much this was hurting me, how badly I was doing, hoping he would have mercy, compassion, kindness, soften his heart and do "the right thing", to help the poor, suffering... piece of crap. I begged his forgiveness for my insolence to even think I could have a crush on him.
I thought he didn't read my mails. I thought he just passed them straight to the trash.
But - it seems he did read them.

You see, I made all kinds of plans to make him meet me and to bid me farewell.
I was hoping to persuade his commonlaw wife to speak for me. But - why would she?
Then I planned on making him a basket of goodies, especially designed for him, to pay for his time. I can draw. I am very good at it. So I thought that "every parent loves their children, he must appreciate a portrait of his daughters!"
So I looked up his daughters, and to be sure, I asked one of them, if she indeed was his daughter.
At this point she was very friendly.
A couple of weeks later I contacted her again, to show her the finished picture.
Apparently she had gone to her dad and asked him who I am...
And apparently he told her I was this insane woman who was stalking him.
And she wasn't friendly at all, anymore.

It might be obvious to you that looking up his wife and daughters could be seen as stalking, but to me it was a surprise. And a shock.
I mean... here I had been pottering with the basket, thinking about the stuff I'd fill it with, what I'd make, wondering if he'd like these cookies more, or those, imagining how glad he would be to see a picture of his daughters... and not once did I think that he would not be at all happy, on the contrary, he would be scared shitless and angry, because I had been stalking his babies!

I apologized to his daughter, ripped the picture, deleted everything connected to him, his daughters and wife, and anything that had to do with him. (And it hurt to destroy the picture. I had really been working with it, and it was really good, but no-one wants anything from a person they see as a stalker in their homes, and most certainly they want to have this person in any way connected to their loved ones.)

Then I wrote to him, and explained everything I had done, so that he didn't need to worry.

Anyway, when they talk about the lack of theory of mind, this is what they are talking about.
The idea of that he'd see me as A STALKER didn't even visit my mind! I was fully convinced that he saw me as the pathetic crap as I did! Crap, sure, but harmless.

Stalkers are not harmless.

I am amazed that he gives me that much power.

I am amazed that he gives me that much thought.

And I am amazed by how little he listened to me during the 8 months I was pouring my soul to him. I mean... I was talking about my dreams and hopes and wishes and fears and thoughts and... I was talking about God and spirituality and being a witch, I was talking about dancing barefeet in the soft kisses of rain... for heaven's sake! I was showing my whole naƮve, sensitive nature child soul to him in all its glory and innocence, and the idiot didn't even listen enough to understand that that kind of a person would not stalk anyone!

I am deeply saddened by that I have been wasting over a year on crying about that kind of a man not telling me "good bye"...

I am somewhat flabbergasted by that I thought I was in love with that kind of a man.

Right now I find it hard to even define him as a man. My idea of a man is quite different.

My psychiatrist told me that he probably thought I was charming (because I am), and got afraid by his own feelings, and started wondering what he had done to encourage it, when he read the words "I have a crush on you". That he overcorrected his line of action and from being too friendly became too unfriendly. And as the emotions are responses to our actions he got afraid of me, and started thinking all kinds of stupid things.

Makes me happy of not being neuronormal, I can say.

Love is not scary. Love is not threatening. Love doesn't hurt you, love doesn't make you feel bad, love doesn't make you angry or sad... love is a lovely thing.

I never expected anything from him, except normal decency. I certainly have been having fantasies about him and me, but I assumed that he loves his commonlaw wife as much as I love my husband - and he loves me, and that there is no place for me in his life, just as there is no place for him in mine.

And here he has been scared of me and what I might do to him. It must have been horrible to hear the question from his daughter... "this Ketutar, who is she?"
"Oh, no, she has found my child!"

I am also very interested to find this concern and compassion towards him under all the feelings... I wrote to him and told him exactly what I have done, so that he knows what this "stalking" consists of.
I did it to ease his mind, but he might be so scared he doesn't get that.
And it makes me astounded.

I also went through my mailbox and moved every mail I have ever written to him or his colleagues in a file and gave it to my husband for safekeep, so that I don't have his email address in my mailbox anymore.
While I was doing that, I read my mails. I find it hard to think that's me... the woman is so... amazing. Serious, funny, sensitive, concerned, full of thoughts and emotions, interesting... Amazing. Reading the mails make me want to know that woman. :-D
Funny, how we can't see ourselves as others do.

Though I'm really happy I can't see me as this guy and his family sees me.

I mean... I am not just fluff and rainbows. I am very intelligent, and - as said, over and over again - I have Aspergers, and most people have the idea that Aspies are psychopaths. I wouldn't be at all surprised, if he's thinking about mail bombs and hacking the computers and... and... Blergh.

And that thought makes me really angry with him.
There I spent eight months being open and sincere and talking to him about everything, and he thinks I'm capable of stalking!
How DARES he be afraid of ME!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

As you know...

I'm on low-carb diet.
So far I have lost 7 kilos.

On Monday I weighed 100.9 kilos. Today it's 102.7 kilos. I almost fell off the scales when I saw that.
It's not time for my menstruation yet... so that cannot be the reason.

Then I remembered. We have been eaten this delicious meat product called Kassler. It is very, very good. But it is charkuterie... and after having read the ingredients, I know why I'm 2 kilos heavier today than 3 days ago. It has sugar, starch, fructose... The meat was cured in sugar-salt-solution.

That little bit of sugar was enough to make me gain weight and I am drowsy and in pain today.

It makes me sad. I was hoping I'll pass the 100 kilos line on my way down already in April.
Then I was hoping it happens this week.
Right now it doesn't seem even possible.

Also, I have been walking this week. 5 kilometers every day. I used to do that when we had a dog, but then the dog couldn't walk it with me, and I was always thinking about the Incident, and thinking about it made me cry, so I stopped walking. Anyway, someone I know about has got a new app on her iPhone (I hate her for having an iPhone, and apps and such... yes, I am envious. I am really, really envious of this woman. She seems to have everything I want, and... Uh. Jealousy is a nasty beast. And comparison is the kill of joy.) and she updates on Facebook, and she has been walking 5-6 Ks every day, and I will damn not be any worse, on those things that are free and accessible to me.

So gaining weight was a real backlash, and I find it really difficult to deal with it.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Seasonal color theory

This is the best test to find your colors:

The idea is simple. You like the colors best that fit you best. You like the style best that fits you best.

So - choose your favorite colors. You can pick as many of the colors you like. If you like all the burgundies, for example, pick all of them. In the end, you will have picked most colors from one column.
If you picked most colors from first column, you are a summer.
If you picked most colors from second column, you are a winter.
If you picked most colors from third column, you are a spring.
If you picked most colors from fourth column, you are an autumn.

You'll probably have quite a lot from another column, too, and less in the two others.

The column with most choices is your main season, the column with second most choices is your secondary season.

They say there are 4, 12 or 16 seasons, depending on how one sees thing.
First there were only four, and people were considered belonging 100% to one season. Now, all the colors of the season didn't work as well with all the people in the season, and this was noted already in the first version.
The second version counted three versions of each season; the main season was considered leaning to one of the others. Dark autumns were considered being autumn-winters; light and softer autumns were autumn-summers and the light and bright autumns were autumn-springs, and so on.
The third version is that there are actually some people who don't "lean" anywhere. They could actually use all the colors from their main palette equally well, and couldn't add colors from another season.

For example, me.

I hate purple. All shades of it. I know I look amazing in bright violet, but I don't like it. (I think they call it "grape")

I love burgundy. Especially, the rich, chocolate-y maroon-y burgundy. Some call it aubergine, some plum, some dark cherry... I call it the color of black flowers :-)

I also love blue-greens. Almost all shades of it. I don't like cyan and strong turquoise, but aqua is lovely.

I got most of my dots on Spring, about half as many on Autumn, and a few in Summer and Winter.

You can also do this differently.
Choose the colors you dislike most.

I don't like muted colors, murky, "dirty" colors, "dusty" colors, grey or bright, sharp colors, like "shocking", "electric" or neon.
If you look at these charts for Spring, those colors marked as "worst colors" ARE the worst colors I know. Old rose, lavender rose, pink lavender, English lavender, rosy brown, taupe, mauve, mauve taupe... yuk!

Bright aqua makes my skin look amazing.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Seven kilos in April

That's nice. I try to keep me on the carpet and not start planning on keeping that pace.

I'm also working against my inner critic (trying to tame her to be a good adviser in stead of the critical bitch she is now) and my inner saboteur... and that's a hard one.

It is hard to recognize when the things suggested by that voice are my own wishes, and which are saboteur speaking.

Right now I just want to fantasize about a certain someone who in my fantasies love me, and show it too. But it always ends up with me crying, because it is very different from the reality, and it makes me think about how different the reality is and in what ways, and it makes me feel really bad, and do nothing the rest of the day, or week or month, but lie in my bed and cry.

And what I WANT is to
- lose weight
- get exercising, moving, improving my physical fitness
- learn Maltese
- translate, write and illustrate books
- learn to bake really well
- learn to cook really well
- learn to use my camera really well
- and some 20 other things. Or 200. Or more. Not sure about the number. (But "50 things before I'm 50" and "100 things in 1001 days" are a good beginning of the list... >:->

I really don't want to waste my days by fantasizing about people who are not part of my life or by having a pity party - or being on Pinterest.

But - seven kilos... :-) Nice. (That's about 15 pounds.)

P.S. Here's 67 science-backed ways to lose weight! Go and read. It's not stupid.