Wednesday, September 25, 2013

"if... then..."

Participants learned the mental contrasting strategy with respect to the goal of exercising regularly, and then were instructed to form three implementation intentions regarding an obstacle standing in the way of exercising in the form of "if... then..." statements:
one to overcome the obstacle generated by mental contrasting ("if I feel exhausted when I get home from work tonight, then I will put on my running shoes and go for a jog in the neighborhood"),
one to prevent this obstacle ("if I hear the clock chime five o'clock, then I will pack my things and leave the office to go for a run"),
and one identifying a good opportunity to act ("if the sun is shining, then I will go for a 30-minute jog in the park")

To do so, participants imagined a desired outcome and a potential obstacle in vivid detail, then created three "if... then..." statements focusing
on overcoming the obstacle. (e.g., "if my roommate starts to get noisy again tonight, then I will talk to her about her behavior"),
preventing the obstacle ("if see my roommate at lunch, then I will ask her to turn the music down this evening"),
and on planning to approach the desired outcome ("if I pass a drugstore on the way home, then I will buy myself a pair of earplugs")

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

5000 questions, part 3

201. Put these creatures in order from what you would least like to be reincarnated as (1), to what you would most like to be reincarnated as (10) assuming reincarnation ended up existing AND you were given a choice.

oak tree
male human
female human
manta ray
wild dog
house dog

202. What do you feel unworthy of?


203. Would you rather be remembered for having done something for humanity or being a really nice person?

Having done something for humanity.

204. Which do you value more: science or intuition?

It's the same thing, principally.
But intuition, noticing things and understanding what they mean. I don't see intuition as something weird, but just people being attentive, alert, intelligent and curious, remembering details and understanding cause and consequence. Science is just knowledge, in a way. Anyone can do science :-D

205. Your best friend and your significant other are in the hospital at the same time with the same ailment. Who do you visit first?

My husband is my best friend... or one of them... My husband, I think. But only a short time, to rush to my most beloved sister.

206. Does the universe revolve around human beings?

Yes and no. It depends.

207. If you are no longer a virgin, do you wish you still were?


208. Who is your favorite poet of those who are alive right now?

I really don't read poetry that much.

209. What is your favorite song from the 90's?

Oh dear, here we go again. Ranking, again. "Which do you love the most, mom or dad?"
This is one nice song from 90's

210. If you were in alphabet soup what letter would you be?


211. Do you believe in fairies, ghosts, aliens, angels, dwarves, elves, etc.?

Yes - in some form or another. Though those entities are hardly comparative.

212. What makes you want to be someone’s friend?

If I find the person interesting, nice, kind, gentle, intelligent and interested in me.

213. Do you troll around the Internet harassing people anonymously for fun?

214. Have you ever seen the movie A Man Who Fell to Earth?

215. What is your favorite line from a movie?

Oh... I'll get back to this when I remember it. :-D

216. What's your favorite video game?

Video game? So you assume everyone plays or have played videogames. *sigh*
I liked that skateboard game... PS2

217. Have you ever taken something that wasn't yours?


218. What is one phrase people say that irritates you?

"Let's agree to disagree"

219. You allow strangers to read your diary, but would you let your parents read it?

Yes - if with "diary" you mean blog :-D

220. Hot steamy bubble bath or quick in and out shower?

Quicky in the shower ;-)

221. Are you allergic to anything?


222. What is your favorite Terminator movie?


223. What is your favorite fast food?


224. What would someone have to do to get you to never speak to him or her again?

Kill me

225. Would (or have) you ever whip someone or be whipped by someone in bed?


226. Have you ever said 'I hate everyone' and really meant it literally?


227. Why do some people want to get more money than they could ever spend?


228. Have you ever won a carnival fish?


229. Did it live more than a week?


230. What's the best sounding accent a person can have?

*sigh* These questions are so dang boring. I don't care about people's accents.

231. What's the most boring thing you've ever read?

This questionnaire.
No, just kidding. Scientific texts about issues I'm not the least interested in are very boring. Instruction manuals to boring things.

232. Do you prefer buttons or touch screens?


233. Do you think there is a lot of similarity between the Harry Potter books and the Lord of the Rings series?


234. Would you consider yourself to be naive?


235. Which of your friends is most likely to go to jail?

None of them. Me, probably.

236. What is the smallest amount of money that could be in a public toilet that would make you reach in and grab it?

I suppose you mean how much money I would pick up from someone unknown's pee and poo? I think I'd pick up any amount. One can wash hands (and money) afterwards, and money is money.

237. Would you ever wear real fur?


238. Arachnophobia or Eight Legged Freaks?

Huh? Aren't those movies? Haven't seen either.

239. What are your feelings about police officers?

People. When they do their job properly, they are the salt of earth and lovely people, when not, they are f-ing b-ards and bullies.

240. what is your favorite line from a song?

*sigh* I hate these ranking questions!

241. Is fifty dollars a lot of money?


242. Do you like the band Front 242?

Never heard of.

243. Would you rather have fame, money, or self-satisfaction?


244. What's your middle name?

245. What is the absolute limit, the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?
As for example?

246. Are you good, evil or neutral?


247. Should ebonics be considered a language?

No. It's an English dialect.

248. What color is your bedroom?


What color would you like it to be?


249. When are you planning to move to a new home?

No rush

250. If you added up the cost of everything in the room with you, approximately what would it come out to be?

My husband is priceless. :-D

251. Do you blow your nose in public?


252. Do you want to follow in your parent's footsteps?


253. What is the coolest web site you know of?

Don't know, don't care.

254. Which cartoon would you most like to see turned into a movie?

Modesty Blaise. Except not from cartoon, but from the books.

255. Of the following, which word best describes you: enthusiastic, fair minded, generous, helpful

All of them. Most of the time.

256. Can you eat with chopsticks?


257. Could you tell real money from counterfeit?

I think so

258. What do you think about school uniforms?

I approve

259. What ancient civilization would you most like to visit?

The Amazons.

260. What would make a great new Crayola color?


261. If an art project is created with the intent of getting rich and famous, does that cast doubt over its significance as a work of art?

Not really.

262. If you became president, whom would you invite to sing at your inauguration?

Dixie Chicks :-D

263. Who is the greatest philosopher of your country?

I quite like Georg Henrik von Wright

264. If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

They borrowed it to each other... You see, in national dept the money country A loans to country B doesn't pay country A's loan from country B...

265. Is it as easy to make you happy now as it was when you were a child?


266. Who knows, or your parents?

My parents, I suppose

267. What instrument would you like to be famous for playing?


268. Children fill its lungs completely with air. Adults breathe in a more shallow way, not filling their lungs completely. Why the change?

Bigger lungs :-D No, adults are more tense

269. Would you have sex with a stranger for one million dollars?

Depends on a stranger.

270. Are you completely in control of your body?

Are you completely in control of your mind?
Well... that depends. Probably "no".

271. Which is more romantic: an expensive, glittering bouquet OR flowers that were hand picked as they grew beside the parkway?
Depends totally on why, who, when, where etc.

272. Do you know yourself well enough to understand why you feel the way you do?
Sort of

273. Which do you do more often: let movies, songs and books put your feelings into words for you or put your feelings into words by yourself?

274. Do you believe celebrities when they are endorsing a product?
No :-D

275. What kind of movies do you wish were made more often?
Comedies that are kind and not shaming.

276. Does fashion matter to you?
A little

277. Should politicians be held to the same legal standards as everyone else?

278. What do you get in trouble for the most?
Not being able to deal with my feelings

279. Should parents spank their kids?
Absolutely not!

280. What is your worst daily habit?

281. If you had your choice which one TV show would you have canceled?
"America's funniest home videos"

282. Do you like the taste of sweet or salt?

283. Are you very precise about what words you use to describe your feelings and thoughts?

284. What do you feel the most guilty about?
The way I treat my husband

285. Do you meditate?
I try to get into that habit

286. Can dreams be visions, or do you feel they are always random images?

287. Do you try to write/say what you are feeling in a true and simple way?

288. The thief _______ that everyone steals.

What verb would you fill in the blank with?


289. What's the most incredible experience you ever had?
Don't know

290. Are you ever afraid to write/say/think how you feel?

I have been.

291. Do you write/say/think it anyway or become intimidated and try to avoid it?

Darling... you don't know what you are talking about. I'm not afraid of feeling, but what I might do because of it... and we are talking about criminal things, horrible things, bad things, things that may not be done. And, yes, I am afraid I will do something really bad because of how I feel.

292. What is one thing you can't do?

Play harp :-D

293. Do you like movies starring Charleton Heston?

I don't know any Charleton Heston. If you mean Charlton Heston - some of them.

294. Are you gentle?


295. When do you feel the most raw and vulnerable?

I don't want to talk about that... when I trust someone and it turns out I shouldn't have.

296. Are you trying to find yourself?


297. Where are you looking?

To find oneself one needs to look inside

298. Are you sometimes afraid of being honest because you are afraid of hurting people's feelings?


299. What would make you a stronger person?

Good self-confidence

300. What book would you like to read sometime soon?

A lot of them

Sunday, September 22, 2013

5000 questions, part two

101. What does happiness/joy feel like physically?
very nice :-)

102. List five people you love starting with the one you love the absolute most.
I find this question really stupid. There are more than five people in my life I love, and one shouldn't start thinking about love as "whom do you love most, mommy or daddy?"

103. How many movies have you gone to see this month?

104. If you could have 3 wishes...but none of them could be for yourself, what would you wish for?

My husband to be really, really rich, so rich that he could buy everything he wanted to buy, pay for everything he wanted to pay for and never have any economical problems. That he'd have a bit more than enough :-D
World peace, full equality, liberty and love between men and that everyone got their human rights respected and basic needs fulfilled. We live in a world of plenty but still people are afraid of need, so much so that they can't even give up one ounce of their own security and plenty... not even to people who have none.

105. In what ways do you relax and de-stress when you are really tense?
Wait it over. When I'm really tense, I can't do anything. When I'm a little bit tense, it helps to take a walk in the forest and talk with Mother; to sing, to have a cup of tea and a good book, to go to Pinterest...

106. How much money would it take to get you to drive to school naked in the springtime and get out of the car?
I'm 44. No-one would pay me anything for that :-D

107. Have you ever killed an animal?
Insects. Nothing bigger.

108. Have you ever lost someone close to you?

109. What do you think of cloning?
I have no problems with the idea.

110. Do you read or watch TV more often?
Right now TV, but I used to read more.

111. With all this talk of terrorism going around are you willing to sacrifice rights and freedoms for increased safety?

112. What is the punishment you would come up with for Osama Bin Laden if you caught him alive?

113. Have you ever named an individual part of your body?

114. Have you ever been on the radio or on TV?

115. Have you ever won a lottery, or sweepstakes?

116. Have you ever won a contest or competition?

117. Do you like to watch The Joy of Painting show with Bob Ross
I'm Finnish. He's not part of our culture. But I love this remix video. It makes me happy. :-)

118. Do you know what your grandparents and your great grand parents did for a living?

119. Is there anything really interesting in your family history?

120. Is there anyone you trust completely?

121. Have you ever lost someone without having the chance to say goodbye?
Yes. And it still makes me sad.

122. How do you feel about women in politics?
The same way as I feel about men in politics.

123. Would you rather have an indoor Jacuzzi or an outdoor pool?
Outdoor pool.

124. What things are you interested in that you study or read about on your own?
Their name is legion, for they are many. Too many to list. :-D About everything :-D

125. Would you consider yourself to be intelligent?
I do.

126. Would you consider yourself to be wise?
Every now and then this blind hen finds a kernel of grain.

127. Have you ever given or received a lap dance?

128. Have you ever spoken to a homeless person?

129. Would you ever creep into the subway tunnels to go exploring?

130. If you could add 70 years to your life but only by making some random person die 70 years sooner would you?

131. Can you finish any of the following lyrics?

A: Nothing to kill or die for...

B: Late comings with the late comin' stretcher...

C: I could make a film and make you my star...

132. Were you ever with someone while they died?
Yes. :´(

133. Would you rather be a world political leader or a rock star?
Political leader

134. Have you ever given someone a love letter that you wrote?

135. Have you ever sent someone a surprise though the mail?

136. Are you looking forward to any concerts right now?

137. Of all animated movies, which is the best one you've ever seen?

138. What are the best bands or songs to listen to while driving?
Wouldn't know. Not interested in stuff like that.
I suppose something everyone in the car knows lyrics to, so that we all sing along. I suppose that would be nice.
On long trips it's nice to have music that makes me want to dance, so that I get some exercise and the sitting in the car doesn't make my muscles so tired.

139. What do you think is the most amazing thing that anyone has ever accomplished?
Oh. A lot of amazing things are accomplished all the time. Cannot be rated like this.

140. What could a member of the opposite sex do to impress you?
Listen to me and show it by asking intelligent questions. Act like a king.

141. About how many emails do you get a day?

How many of those emails are junk mail?
About 1/3

How many of them are forwards?
Not many.

142. What's your favorite thing to do online besides write in your diary and hang out at this site?
Besides writing my blog, you mean? :-D Pinterest, Polyvore, Facebook and Bucketlist.

143. Do you believe Kurt Cobain killed himself or was it a conspiracy?
Who even cares?

144. Have you ever though about hitchhiking across the country?

145. Who would you bring with you on this kind of a road trip?
Hitchhiking road trip? I'd go alone.

146. Of the following, which word best describes you: accurate, bold, charming, dependable

147. If you are single, at about what age do you think you will be ready to settle down and get married? If you are married, how old were you at the time?
I was 30 when I got married. I wanted to get married about 10 years earlier, and have a big family. Or not get married at all. The age is not an issue, but if you are a marrying type. Some people aren't. Ever. Some people get along best in a commonlaw marriage or as a "wolf couple" as it's called in Finland.

148. Do you often wonder, when you say goodbye to people, if it is the last time you will ever see them?

149. What movie are you most looking forward to seeing when it comes out?

150. What is your quest?
I don't have any.

151. What is louder and more annoying: 200 adults talking or one four-year-old screaming?
200 adults. Four years olds I can handle.

152. Do you believe the stories about planes, boats and people mysteriously disappearing into the Bermuda triangle?

153. Who are you the most jealous of?
The girlfriend/wife of the man I'm in love with :-D
Right now that would be me :-)

154. What is the happiest way you can start your day?
Think about how wonderful it is to live, what a miracle life and this whole world we are living in is, what wonderful surprises this day is full of, that it's a brand new day, never experienced before, and no-one has ever had this day - and smiling, expecting, singing and sharing the joy with my husband next to me.

155. Do you ever have moments where you feel like everything is all right in the world?

156. Who thinks that you are offensive?
Quite a lot of people :-D

157. If you had to teach a class in something, what would you be able to teach people?
A lot of things. I have taught crafts, languages, maths, cooking and some other subjects.

158. Have you ever had a spiritual experience (an experience that cannot be explained by science)?

159. Do you believe that this experience was truly mystical or do you think there is some scientific explanation for it, only you don't know what it is?
Of course everything has a scientific explanation, but we don't know enough to be able to explain everything yet.

160. Do you get offended easily?

161. Would you still love and stay with your signifigant other if he or she had to have a breast or testicle removed?
Of course. I'm not in love with his body parts.

162. Do you believe in fate or free will?
Free will. With a little bit of fate mixed in :-D

163. Do you believe that only boring people get bored?

164. Can life change or are we all stuck in vain?
Life changes all the time.

165. What changes are you afraid of?

166. Are you a day person or nocturnal?
Morning person.

167. What one CD could you listen to for an entire week (no mixed CD’s, it must be an album)?
Savage Garden I can listen over and over again. And a renaissance Christmas CD at Christmas time.

168. Which is worse, working in retail, food service, or an office?
Can't choose. I don't think any of those is especially bad. All have good qualities and bad qualities that are about the same value.

169. What's the coolest job you ever had?
I think planting forest was pretty cool. :-D

170. What is one central idea that your thoughts seem to come back to?

171. Have you ever wanted to be an actor/tress?

172. If you had the power to control one person and make this person do anything you wanted for a whole day, who would you pick and what would they do?
I would have XX to XXX...

173. What star sign are you and what is your sign like?
I'm an Aries and we are bold, childlike, instant people

174. Did the Blair Witch Project scare you?

175. Are you in constant fear of death?
No. I don't fear death at all. I'm just sad for all those people who love me and who will lose me.

176. Does fear of death keep you from building a life?

177. Do you like all your movies to be in wide-screen?

178. Are you a fan of any comic books?
Calvin and Hobbes. Asterix. Lucky Luke. Tintin is good too.

179. At what age did you attend your first funeral?
Oh... 13-14, I think... don't remember the exact year my grandmother died.

180. What do you smell like (lotion, cologne, sweat)?
I smell amazing. There's a hint of sandalwood, some fruity, flowery notes, a bit of caramel... spicy, vanilla and cinnamon, says my husband. And it's not my shampoo or soap, or cologne or sweat, oil or dirt... that's what I smell like.

181. What are your greatest sources for wisdom?
Books, life, people in my life.

182. When you were little, where did your parents tell you babies come from?
They didn't. I never cared about that.

183. What is your favorite band?
Again, I can't put my favorites in any order. It all depends on mood and need.

184. What's the best cheesy 80's song?
"The best, the best"... you are obsessed by ranking. A good cheesy 80's song is this:

185. What's the best kind of movie to see on a date?
An action movie with a lot of excitement and a little romance and some terror, too...

186. Do you like to sit in the front, middle or back of the Movie Theater?

187. Have you ever been inside an abandoned building?

188. Under what circumstances would you agree to work for free?
for a good cause or if the work benefits someone who needs it

189. Candles or strobe lights?

190. Do you think the Lord of the Rings movies are true to the books or did Hollywood change the story too much?
"Hollywood"? No, the manuscript writer and director were idiots. They changed too much and every change was for the worse. LOTR is one of the most loved books for a reason, and THAT REASON IS THAT IT IS EXACTLY WHAT IT IS. The two most important roles are for women, so there is no need to "update" it to be more "female friendly". The fact that Faramir let the ring pass was part of describing his character, and that the manuscripta can't understand that some people actually see further and don't react on what seemingly is the best for all at the moment... and breeding orcs in vats... X-[ Everyone who knows his/her Middle-Earth knows that Morgoth took elves and bred the orcs from them, because only Eru can create life and living creatures. And carrots! CARROTS!!! Geesh!

191. When you see a stranger on the street does your first reaction lean towards thinking of this person as a potential friend or as a potential threat?

192. Is it natural for human beings to fear and distrust each other, or is it cultural?

193. What do you really want to buy?

194. You have to choose. Would you be happier marrying someone rich for their money or living in the streets and subway tunnels with someone you love?
Someone rich whom I don't love.

195. If someone wanted to understand you what book could they read that would help?
I don't think there is any such book. All the books I have read wouldn't be enough, because I filtered the information through my life. People get different information from books.

196. Do you think it’s odd that Americans have freedom of religion and yet call themselves 'one nation under god'?
No. Firstly, freedom of religion doesn't mean what you think it means.
Secondly, those USonians (as you should know, not all USonians do) who call "themselves one nation under God" most certainly don't understand what it means.
Thirdly, I don't think you even know what "God" means.

197. In what sense are you a minority?
I have AS.

198. Are you anti social?

199. Do you photograph well?

200. Do you think that human beings would survivor through a nuclear winter?

Saturday, September 21, 2013

5000 questions, part 1

1. Who are you?
I am Sanna Ketutar Jensen.

2. What are the 3 most important things everyone should know about you?
I don't think "everyone" should know anything about me.
But - I am Finnish, I have Asperger's and I'm married.

3. When you aren't filling out 5,000 question surveys like this one what are you doing?
Are there other 5000 question surveys? Who creates these things?
Probably pottering with some other lists or such. On the internet. Wasting time. Not doing what I should be doing. Like now.

4. List your classes in school from the ones you like the most to the ones you like the least (or if you are out of school, think of the classes you did like and didn't like at the time).
I think I always liked arts most. Mothertongue was another good one.
Religion was probably my least favorite. And history, geography and biology.

5. What is your biggest goal for this year?
Getting over my heart-ache.

6. Where do you want to be in 5 years?
In five years? Much further on my road to healing.

7. What stage of life are you in right now?
Middle-age... :->

8. Are you more child-like or childish?

9. What is the last thing you said out loud?
Don't remember. Nothing important, I'm sure.

10. What song comes closest to how you feel about your life right now?

11. Have you ever taken martial arts classes?

12. Does your life tend to get better or worse or does it just stay the same?

13. Does time really heal all wounds?

14. How do you handle a rainy day?

15. Which is worse...losing your luggage or having to sort out tangled holiday lights?
Losing my luggage.

16. How is your relationship with your parents?

Will you miss them when they are gone?
Yes. Very much.

17. Do you tend to be aware of what is going on around you?
Some times.

18. What is the truest thing that you know?
I'm full of shit and know nothing.

19. What did you want to be when you grew up?
Horse breeder.

20. Have you ever been given a second chance?

21. Are you more of a giver or a taker?
Giver. I really need to learn to take.

22. Do you make your decisions with an open heart/mind?

23. What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you?
Having my knee ligament ruptured.

24. What is the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to you?

25. Who have you hugged today?
My husband.

26. Who has done something today to show they care about you?
My husband *_*

27. Do you have a lot to learn?
Yes :-D

28. If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by working what would they be?
How to play guitar, how to sell anything to anyone, and Savate.

29. Which do you remember the longest: what other people say, what other people do or how other people make you feel?
How they made me feel, like every other human being on this planet :-D

30. What are the key ingredients to having a good relationship?
Communication, curiosity, honesty, trust, sense of humor, tolerance and ability to forgive - me as well as others.

31. What 3 things do you want to do before you die?
Live, enjoy living and love myself.

32. What three things would you want to die to avoid doing?
I'm not sure I understand the question...
I'd rather die than kill anyone, torture anyone or...
I wish I would die without experiencing torture, rape or public humiliation like the one Nazis put the Jews through in 30's. I can't believe how people can do things like that.

33. Is there a cause you believe in more than any other cause?
Human rights.

34. What does each decade make you think of?

The 1920's: flappers

30's: Wallis Simpson

40's: WWII

50's: Teens

60's: Barbie

70's: hippies

80's: neon colors and big hair

90's: grey

2000's: new

2010's: change

35. Which decade do you feel the most special connection to and why?
80's - I was a teenager.

36. What is your favorite oldie/classic rock song?
Too many to pick any

37. What country do you live in and who is the leader of that country?
I live in Sweden and the Prime Minister is Fredrik Reinfeldt, and the King is Carl XVI Gustav. 
I'm Finnish, and the President is Sauli Niinistö.

If you could say any sentence to the current leader of your country what would it be?
I wouldn't.

38. What's your favorite TV channel to watch in the middle of the night?
Ket's private dream channel.

39. What Disney villain are you the most like and why?
"most like"? Maleficent. I'm a beautiful witch who turns into a dragon every now and then :-D
Or Shere Khan.
At least that's what my husband would say :-D

40. Have you ever been a girl scout/boy scout?

41. If you were traveling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat?

42. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night?
It's an optical thing. :-D

43. What does your name mean?
Lily - or Vixen, depending on which name you are referring to... ;-)

44. Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space?

45. Word association

What is the first word that comes to mind when you see the word:

Air: cloud

Meat: food

Different: me

Pink: singer

Deserve: reserve

White: snow

Elvis: Presley

Magic: wand

Heart: ache

Clash: titans

Pulp: fiction

46. If you could meet any person in the world who is dead who would you want it to be?
Ray Harryhausen. Astrid Lindgren. C.S.Lewis.

47. What if you could meet anyone who is alive?
Christopher Lee. David Attenborough.

48. Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday?

49. You are going to be stuck alone in an elevator for a week. What do you bring to do?
For a week? Lots of water and food to begin with, papers and pens.

50. Have you ever saved someone's life or had your life saved?
I have been talked out of killing myself. Does that count?

51. Make up a definition for the following silly words...

Fruitgoogle: Being in the supermarket wanting to buy some fruits but not being sure of which ones.

Ambytime: being ambivalent

Asscactus: really nasty person who just won't let one be

52. What was the last thing you made with your own hands?
Breakfast, I suppose.

53. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Barbie horse

54. How many TV’s are in your house?

55. What is your favorite thing to do outside?
Walk in the forest

56. How do you feel when you see a rainbow?

57. Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true?

58. Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader?
Not physically, no.

59. What is your idea of paradise?
A library with cats and free candy that tastes awesome and doesn't make you ill.

60. Do you believe in god and if so what is he/she/it like?
God is all-mighty, all-present and all-knowing benevolent, Highest power and Creator.

61. Do you believe in Hell?
On earth, yes. We give it to each other, some times we create it to ourselves. Usually in that order.

62. What one thing have you done that most people haven't?

Baked Danish rye bread; married a Dane; seen Northern Lights...

63. What is the kindest thing you have ever done?
I don't know

64. Are you a patient person?
Every now and then

65. What holiday should exist but doesn't?
Huh... never thought of that... All the holidays I want to exist, exist. If not, I make them happen.

66. What holiday shouldn't exist but does?
American Thanksgiving. St.Patrick's Day. Pentecost and Feast of the Ascension.

67. What's the best joke you ever heard?
I like the funniest joke on earth.

68. Where is the most fun place you have EVER been?
I don't think places are fun.

69. Is your hair natural or dyed?

70. Do you have any deep dark secrets or are you pretty much up front?
Up front.

71. What is under your bed right now?
A lot of stuff and dust.

72. If you were in the Land of Oz would you want to live there or go home?
Go home. There's no place like home.

73. If you drive do you frequently speed?

74. What is the world's best song to dance to?
There's many of those.

75. What song was on the last time you danced with someone?
Lady in Red.

76. Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers?

77. What is the first animal you would run to see if you went to the zoo?
Big cats

78. Would you consider yourself to be romantic?

79. If the earth stopped rotating would we all fly off?

80. What is the one thing that you love to do so much that you would make sacrifices to be able to do it?
Oh... Live. Being married to Henric. My family.

81. If you (and everyone) had to lose one right or freedom, but you could pick which one everyone had to lose, what would you pick?
Right to carry arms. :-D

82. If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole?

83. Would you rather give up listening to music or watching television?
Watching television.

84. What do you think makes someone a hero?
Doing something for others, to benefit others, without thinking about one's own profit or well-being.

85. What cartoon would you like to be a character in?
Power puff girls.

86. Name one thing that turns your stomach:

87. What was the last thing you paid for?
Oh... A pile of storage boxes.

88. Are you a coupon clipper?

89. Get anything good in the mail recently?

90. Which would you rather take as a gym class...dancing, sailing, karate, or bowling?
Not bowling :-D

91. In Star Trek people 'beam' back and forth between different places. What this means is they stand in a little tube and their molecules are deconstructed and sent to another tube somewhere else where they are reassembled. Only problem is when the molecules are deconstructed the person is dead. When they are put back together it is only a clone that has all the dead person's memories. So...
Is the person who gets beamed the same person on both ends?
Yes. We are not our physical bodies.

92. What insects are you afraid of? Bugs. Beetles. Even ladybugs. And butterflies are nasty. Ants, bees and spiders are ok. Centipedes are not nice either. And larvae. Maggots. Brr. Hate that Indiana Jones.

93. If you could print any phrase on a T-shirt, what would it say?
Honey badger don't care.

94. What's the most eccentric thing you have ever worn?
Harempants, kaftan and turban made of old hospital sheets by myself, when I was 11.

95. If you could pick one food that you could eat all you wanted but it would have no effect on how much you weigh, what food would it be?
Pastry. Pasta. Bread and butter.

96. What are your parents interested in?
All kinds of things

97. Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet?
No. But I tamed a fly once :-D

Have you ever caught and tamed a wild animal?

98. What is more helpful to you, wishes or plans?

99. When do you feel your life energy the strongest?
When I feel good and have slept well, and had lovely, exciting dreams.

100. You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you. What do you bring?
Depends on what time of the year it is, if it's raining and why I am there. I'm imagining summer, not raining and being there to be there. Then I'd take with me only nice, comfortable and warm clothes.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Lists, lists, lists...

Things I want to do. Things I think I should do to live and not just exist and wait to die. Things I know I could learn to do. Things I know I could do. Things I am interested in, things I'm passionate about, things I'm talented at, things I know I would be phenomenally good at doing...

Things I want to do, one day...
Anything you can do, I can do better...
Where and what do I want to be when 2013 arrives?
The first 101 things list
50 things before 50 (I'm 44 now)
1000 places to see before you die

The thing is, though... I never DO anything. Except write lists and dream...

But then there's this:

So... that's all I need to do to make my dreams come true.

I know I already have everything I need to make things happen.
Well... there will be quite a lot of money involved, I mean, no-one is going to GIVE me a motorcycle and teach me to drive it for free. But I have everything I need to earn some money so that I can save it, and pay for the bike and driver's license. I just need to DO the things I need to do to earn the money :-D And then I just need to save it and not use it for something else, that happens to be really interesting and necessary at the moment, but that I haven't been wishing for for decades.

I am scared. It's horrifying to take the first step. I mean... I have been writing these lists for years, now, and I KNOW what I need to do to make it happen. Setting a date is no problem.
For example 24-form tai chi.

I started learning these forms in August. I thought learning one form every day takes 24 days, and that sounds ok. I'd know it by September, and could go on doing it every morning, to be able and confident enough to go to Södertälje city square and do this every morning at nine.
I got to step 3, and couldn't quite figure out how to do that. I knew that I would need to see it done, and I knew I could see it done in YouTube, but... for some reason I never did that.
Now, I started a new "101 things in 1001 days" challenge on Monday. And I thought that if I now learn the rest of the forms, starting today, one form a day, I'll be done till October.
Good idea.
Er... I haven't done anything about it.
And that was four days ago. *blush*

I really suck at committing.

(Something positive and encouraging. I know the three first steps now. I knew what the lady was doing and what would come next and I have understood it correctly, and I do it about the same way. Probably not, because I assume she has been doing that for years, and does it perfectly, and I have been doing it for three days, and I'm pretty sure I don't do it even close to perfectly. Nevertheless, I know that I can learn this on my own, and then get my husband watch me and correct me, and then get someone who knows Tai Chi watch me and correct me, and I will be confident to say I know.)

Anyway... *sigh*

I think I need to cut the list down to even smaller numbers. Have some sort of "10 things in 100 days" or "1 thing in 10 days". That I think even I could commit to. :-D

Friday, September 6, 2013

Getting bumpier...

Since April 1st, I've lost 11 kilos.
Since mid-July I haven't been on diet, but I haven't gained any weight either.

I suppose that's good.

But something happened, that made me crash back in the pit of self-loathing again.

I wanted to start taking diving lessons.
I couldn't go.
Because I am afraid of that they will ostracize me.
Like everyone always.

I tried to use all the tools I have.
It didn't work.
I tried being kind and tolerant.
It didn't work.

I feel horribly bad about myself.
Two weeks later.
I am a coward.
It doesn't matter that I have a reason to be afraid.
Cowardice is not not being afraid.
Cowardice is not doing what one is afraid of doing.

And I am obsessing about That Guy.
He must be happily living his life, and enjoying it.
I am not.
It's so unfair.

Why am I not happily living my life and enjoying it?

Because I am too damaged, too depressed, too sad and tired with everything about it.

I try being mindful. As long as I can, I'm ok.
I'm not happy, because that's just one feeling among the others, and none of them matters.
But I'm not sad either.

I'm really good at being mindful.

But then this part of me, which is really good at worrying, starts worrying about how nothing will ever happen if I never do anything. How God makes things work for as long as we work with Her. Take the steps. God gives me courage to change things I can change, but I will have to change them.
Being mindful, doing nothing, just noticing things and letting things pass and go, accepting everything, is really... not productive.

I am ok as long as I do nothing.
I can even do some simple chores being mindful.
Well... I can do everything being mindful, and being ok.
Except dream. Hope. Wish.

And there's so much things in the world that remind me of him.
One of these days I was peacefully watching Simpsons, and they just had to remind me of him. They just had to!
I looked at that flag, for a second, I couldn't believe it was happening.
And then I laughed.
It was just too much.
Not even Simpsons is "safe"!

I try to make time go on the internet, and there too are the reminders. Something totally innocent makes me think of him, and there we go again.

Also, there's this thing... about dreams and hopes and wishes. Sooner or later I get to the "seduce him" points. "Do this and this so that he just can't resist you". "Learn how to do this and this so that the skill can be used to get him". "Become perfect so that he can't ignore you."

And it doesn't work that way.

Months I cried "what is it in me that makes me so disgusting to him? Why doesn't he want me?"
Until one day my husband (yes, I'm married. To the best guy in the world. Yes, I love him. Yes, our marriage is what I define as happy. So? Ever heard of polyamory? It is possible for people to love more than one person, you know. It's possible for people who love their spouses to be obsessed by other people. It is possible for people to be married and have a lover, too, and be happy about the situation. Ever heard of polygamy? Are you done with judging me, may I continue? Thank you.) So, until one day my husband got irritated and said "You are not her. That's it."
(Her? Yes, he has a girlfriend. So? Relationships end. Of course I don't want him to leave her because of me, after all, I'm married and all, but relationships end. Why can't theirs?)
I am not his girlfriend. He loves her, not me, and he doesn't love me for the simple reason that I am not her.
And I can imagine anything, and plan anything, and become as perfect as humanly possible, and it would still not matter, because I can be anything except her.

Though in The Life and Loves of a She-Devil by Fay Weldon, she did just that...

Nah. I wouldn't want to be her, even if that meant I'd get him. 
Because it wouldn't be ME who got him.
I want him to want ME, not a copy of someone else.
And if he doesn't want me, not even me as perfect as I can become, then he doesn't deserve me.
Some self-respect I have left.

But I wish for... I wish for happiness. To be in love with life, and all the possibilities and colors and miracles life is. I wish for enthusiasm. I wish for inspiration. I wish for self-love... to be so in love with myself as to give myself everything I could ever wish for. To move mountains just to make me happy. To make miracles just to see me smile. To perform triple somersault ending with illusion and standing penche split, just to make me happy. To make me perfect, as perfect as I can be, as perfect as I want to be, just to please me. Do all the things to make ME happy, to please ME, to make ME smile, dance, laugh...

I wish I'll forget him.
That I can see all the things that now reminds me of him and how he chose to end our relationship and make me feel absolutely awful and worthless and all that, and not be reminded of anything bad.
I wish I'll remember only the good parts. Without the sting of fear and loss and suspicion and rejection. Without the feeling of being excluded. Without thinking it was all lies and deception and an act.
I wish I'd remember him fondly, with kindness and joy, and not like this. Right now I'm either loathing me or him, and swing from wanting to kill me because I'm worthless, to wanting to kill him because he is. Right now I hate myself for loving such a lying bastard, and hate him for being a lying bastard.

And even though I said all that about polyamory and such, I wish I could see my crush as just another form of my ability to love, see it as something wonderful and nice, I see it as being unfaithful to my husband, not deserving him and his love, and "if I REALLY loved my husband, I wouldn't fall for other guys!"

Right now I'm breaking.