Monday, December 31, 2012

Last day of a crappy year...

I remember reading my horoscope for the new year a year ago. I was to have an amazing career year. Also, the horoscope promised me, an Aries, "new love", and my husband, a Libra, "bad year in love"... I remember laughing. "As if the stars are saying we are going to have a divorce..."
Well... we didn't have a divorce. But I got my heart broken. Just a couple of days after Valentine's day :-D
Stupid me.
Should teach me to not read my horoscope.

I did read it a couple of days ago, when my sisters and I were doing the "wish board" for 2013. I don't remember anything of it. I was just thinking about me a year ago, reading the horoscope for 2012.
I was supposed to have a really good year.

Bull! :-D

This year I have seriously contemplated killing myself.
I have decided how I'm going to kill myself, if I ever get to that point again in my life.
Though I promised my husband that I would not kill myself. If my life is so meaningless and worthless to me, it'll belong to him, because it's full of meaning and worth to him.

This year I have seriously contemplated committing myself to a mental hospital.
I still am.
My husband says that I can do all I do in a mental hospital at home too, and more.
I suppose he's right, and I'll just lie in the bed the whole day when I feel like I have to have a pause.

There has been a lot of those moments this year.

This year has also taught me tons about myself. I don't think I have learned more all the previous years combined.

One of the things is that I'm a hopeless optimist. I'm still alive and "free".
I am going to take some steps next year to get me a good way ahead on the road to becoming better me. Well... that I say every dang year. But I still believe in it :-D After 43 years of broken promises to myself.

I am going to learn to
- keep my promises to myself
- commit and persevere
- finish projets
- create plans B, C and D, and create new plans in running if D fails.
- love, like and appreciate myself

And I am going to be thin before 2013 is over. I am tired of getting short of breath for tying my shoelaces. And I want to know if it really feels better than anything tastes. I hope it comes together with the other five things :-D

I really don't want to feel so repulsive anymore.

Though I don't think it has anything to do with how I look or how much I weight or how fit I am... and I don't even know if it would heal any old wounds either, because none of that really matters anyway. It's just a family disease, this obsession with fitness.
I really do believe fit people are better people, somehow. I really think I'm just lazy and stupid.
I really, sincerely am jealous of all the people with anorexia, because they are thin. Being underweight is something to admire, not pity. Being overweight is a fault to dislike, not something to feel compassion for. Because everyone knows that the "overactive part" of our body is our mouth - we eat too much - and obesity doesn't run in the family, it's that the family is obese because no-one runs.
That is a distorted thinking I need to correct as well.

But I would still like to know what it's like to be thin... and be able to walk in an ordinary clothing store and buy something... normal. Something they have in the window. Something they advertise. Something I've seen in the television. It's still so that most of the "big girl" clothes are tents and black/burgundy/navy. I have this amazing dress that could only be more amazing, if it was red. They don't make it in red. Only in black.
*sigh* Maybe I could embroider it to give it more color. Or take up the seams and copy the pattern and sew me a new dress, in red. And every other color too. Like teal and green... and... yes, deep, rich ox-bloody burgundy. Not the cold, nasty, bloodless burgundy, of which they make "big girl" clothes.


  1. Please don't be offended, but what is missing from your life isn't the perfect dress size or movie star beauty--it is the presence of Jesus CHrist. I have been in shoes very similar to yours, and He lifted me beyond my own limits. There really is a contentment that comes with knowing Him. I wish you the best.

  2. Dear Gertie (I assume that's your name?)

    Thank you very much for commenting, your comments feel like rewards for daring to share my thoughts, often very silly and shallow. :-)
    And I wish your new year to be full of all the blessings that just can fit in it :-)

    I know size and beauty is fully irrelevant and won't make my life better. I know that if I had those but my "innards" were as messy as they are, I'd invent other problems and mess up my life just as badly as I've done now.
    And I know you are offering me the best you know, and for that I am grateful. But I am not Christian. I have tried. I have done my best, fully willing and begging, but just as you know, there is nothing *I* can do. The Holy Spirit must find me worthy and enter my heart. If it is going to happen, it will happen, but until then - I'll just have to keep working on my self-confidence and keep believing something greater than me, and that it will work out, one way or another.

    So, thank you for your kindness and wishing me the best :-)
    I truly appreciate it :-)


  3. Thank you for your kind response. I am always afraid to try to tell someone else the decision they need to make, but think about this: we are all messy inside-that's the beauty of the Holy Spirit. He straightens that messiness out for us because we can't ourselves. I have wrestled with weight and "beauty" issues all of my life. Now, at 50, I just am grateful to be here, red hair, surplus pounds and all. I DO wish you the best and hope that you will see the beauty that is really there in you! (Gertie is my dinosaur) :D