Monday, September 13, 2010


The next day after weighing 103,7 kilos, I weighed 102.7 (226 pounds). It was on the peak of my menstruation, so I was probably more "moist" than usually. One can think the kilo was pure water.

The mystery is that I weigh the same today, 102,7.
My waist is 43 inches in the narrowest place, making my approximate fat percentage about 37%
I have been avoiding sugar, white wheat and sandwiches, and exercising every day. I have exercised at least half an hour every day.


Really. Why bother doing anything. *sigh*
I'm going to give this one more week, but if I still weigh over 102 kilos, I'll give up.
I NEED to see some results.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I hate this

I am desperately trying to avoid getting all depressed, by working on my writing, but it isn't working.
I am feeling hopeless. I have Asperger's. I know people with Asperger's are able to work almost like "normal" people, but... I don't want to. I have been trying for 40 years and it's just not working. It's like when you are learning foreign languages. There comes a point when you are so good at the new language, that people forget it's a foreign language to you, and they expect the same of you as of anyone speaking the language as their mothertongue.
I speak "social" almost fluently, and people expect me to be fluent in it. It is still strange to me, difficult, foreign, alien... I will get punished because I don't speak - or understand - it fluently, by people not wanting to be with me and do things with me. So I don't do things.
Now I'm tired of even trying to "talk social".
I am tired trying to get along with people, try to negotiate and compromise and make deals and get out of the communication what I need.

I have been exercising and eating ok for three days now, and it doesn't show anywhere. It feels totally useless. Why would I refuse myself some of the joys of life for nothing? Right now it is for nothing. I have been trying to change my weight for 20 years now, and I weigh more than 20 years ago. I weigh about 30 kilos more today than 20 years ago.

I started eating unhealthy things when I was a teenager, because I was lonely. I'm still eating unhealthy things because I am lonely. I am married, to another lonely person, and it feels like we are parts of one lonely entity. He is sick too, carrying his own burdens, that make it difficult and often practically impossible to do anything else but potter inside and try to make time pass. You don't need to be fit and thin to write, read, watch television and play with the computer.

I try to loose some weight to see if my pain would go away with the weight. It might well be some sort of nerves in jam in my neck due to my obesity that makes the fingers ache. But... my life stinks, even after I have tried doing something to change it. My fingers ache, but now my legs are killing me too, because I have been walking and jogging, and I weigh 100 kilos.

I have never had normal weight in my adulthood. I don't know what it is like. To me the choice to sweat, ache and cry now so that I may have the energy to do things or live longer is totally idiotic. No choice at all.
Live longer? For what? Why? What's so great about life, so that one would want to live to be 70, 80, 90, 100 or older? I watch my parents who are 75 and have all kinds of health problems. I read Katherine Hepburn's biography, and she, a woman who had been fit all her life, had all kinds of problems. Even the best of us will get old, weak and sick. What's so great about that?
I suppose I will spent the rest of my life the same way I have spent the life so far. Sitting home, reading, writing, creating, watching television, playing with the computer... And I have all the energy needed for that already.

So, to me the choice is having something tangible, real, enjoyable now, or denying that from myself, perhaps even do something difficult, heavy, painful and sweaty. so that PERHAPS some day in the future THAT NEVER COMES I would... what? WHAT?! Because it is not said my pain is because of my overweight. It CAN be fibromyalgia, and then I would be thin and fit and in pain, sitting by my computer, writing, reading, watching television and playing. Having denied myself a huge part of what I consider being luxury and luxury I can afford, for NOTHING.

I know I feel physically crap, and it MIGHT change if I lost weight, but this is the only reality I know, and even when it's not fun, it's tolerable. Acceptable. I cannot see how it would be any better if I lost 40 kilos and exercised and was fit, like I was when I was a teenager. I mean... I didn't have these pains, but I didn't have any friends either, or anything to do except read, write, create, watch television and play with the computer. Or, to be honest, I didn't have a computer and internet then, because I was a teenager in the 80's, and even though internet is about as old as I am, it didn't became even close to what it is now before late 90's.

I would like to practice martial arts, though, and my main excuse not to do that, is that I'm not fit... but... I am also a middle-aged woman with Asperger's, social phobia, panic anxiety and inherited bad knees... I don't think I would do anything about it even if I was fit.

I think I hate my life more than myself.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I have never been this heavy

This morning I weighed 103,7 kilos. That's 228 pounds. BMI 37. "Class II Obese". Not yet "morbidly obese", but getting there. Not even 9 kilos to go. (But only 5 kilos to go to Class I)
(My estimated body fat percentage is 36%)

It feels like I have been fighting overweight my whole adult life.
When I was 70+, I was thinking "not over 80".
When I was 80+, I was thinking "when it gets over 90...".
Then it got over 90. For a while I was shocked, then I got used to seeing the 9 as the first number of my weight...
Then came the horrible day my weight wasn't 2 numbers anymore. At that time I comforted myself by saying that "at least I'm lighter than my husband".
Now I cannot even say that. I weigh more than my husband.

I hate myself.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Defining beauty

Huh... This is me about 10 years ago - and 20 kilos ago. - with Marquardt's face mask.
Fascinating... my right eye is a bit higher than the left eye, and my chin is bigger than "perfect" and my forehead slightly narrower... and my eyebrows are a bit bushy. But the rest... Nice :-)

I wonder how well I would fit the jaw line if I was model weight... that is about 55 kilos. 45 kilos less than now. (Indeed, loosing half of me ;-))

I have always thought I'm ugly. I suppose I can stop that now :-D

On the other hand... here's Audrey Hepburn, chosen to the most beautiful woman of 20th century, according to QVC poll, and Angelina Jolie, the most beautiful woman of 20th century according to Harper

Audrey's face is too small to dr Marquardt, her eyes too big; Angelina's nose is too short and face too long, and lips too full... so - what's beauty?