Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Diary of a fool

I saw an episode of Shameless yesterday, and I couldn't stop watching...

Mo looks like this other woman I know. I find her fat, ugly, rude, mean and hard... I don't see anything attractive in her. But yet she has managed to get seven kids with Paddy#1, had "the other Paddy", and is now with husband #2, and had one night stands with some 8-10 men after Paddy#1 "as a way to keep herself feeling attractive"...

I watched the episode with a sick attention to her, unable to change the channel...
I didn't find her in any way, form or manner attractive.

I'm shocked.

It doesn't fit my understanding of the world at all.
What does she do?
What does she have I don't?

How can she even... how does she get men?
And knowing men... her husband/boyfriend probably thinks she IS beautiful.

I know, I know, I'm horribly shallow and fixated with beauty, but... this is... offensive.

How? How does she do it?
What in her makes men see her as "girl friend material"?

Yes, I find it extremely offensive that she gets men. All my life... as far as I know, no-one has wanted to have me. And I believe it must be because I'm ugly, disgusting, horrible... and then there's this woman, who IS ugly.
Someone wanted her enough to give her children.

It's so f-ing unfair.

My husband tries to comfort me by saying that the guys who fell in love with her probably appreciate the fact that she's not shallow pretty thing, but a strong woman, with personality.
That men are not that shallow.
That it's a good thing this woman gets men, because I should take it as proof of that I can be ugly as a troll, and still there's someone out there who will see through the shell and appreciate the inside. If she gets a man, so will I, when I don't have my husband anymore.

But to me it's... It means there's nothing I can do.
I mean... I can fix the fitness, I can fix the fat, I can fix my clothes, and do something about my looks, but... I can't create an attractive personality where there is none.

I'm screwed. 
I'll never get screwed, when my husband dies.
I'll die alone and get eaten by my cats. 

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