Thursday, August 30, 2012

I declare sovereignty!

I don't know if you remember me yapping about "this guy" and "those people" and "the thing" that happened about a half a year ago. It was horrible. It was bad. But I think I might start getting over it.
I wrote to the guys a couple of days ago, trying to normalize things. I expected them to answer, in the spirit of "let's pretend the mess never happened, and move on". They never responded. So - the mess happened.
 I suppose they don't understand that THEY are responsible of the mess, and THEY have NEVER taken ANY responsibility of ANY part of what happened, that THEIR praxis of dealing with that kind of things reeks, and THEY need to change it to avoid hurting more people. THEY have NEVER acknowledged the mental damage they caused me, nor have THEY apologized or shown ANY measure of compassion or altruism to my suffering... that THEY caused.
So I have been giving THEM a chance to do better...
And the fact that they refuse to take it shows that THEY think they have done nothing wrong! In spite of me telling them exactly what they did wrong and how they could fix it, they refuse to admit any wrong doing.

Until today, when I realized that human beings are a fear-based lifeform.
That's why the Law of Jante exists.
It was essential for the early human beings to be suspicious and careful, to stay low and keep the rest of the group low too. The modern human being, with no natural (or unnatural) enemies still act on that, so everyone who is different, sticks up, makes noise, must be silenced and leveled as quickly as possible, because that kind of behavior would have endangered the whole primal human group's safety.

It's just another facet of the social behavior I have been talking about earlier, about how neurodifferent people are labeled as socially awkward, socially inept, socially incompetent, lacking theory of mind. We don't play the social games, because we see no reason to play them.That they are being played is not a good enough reason. That there are negative consequences of not playing, is not a good enough reason either.

So - today I realized these guys are afraid. They are not talking to me because they are scared of me. Scared of the consequences, scared of their own inability to deal with the consequences... and there is nothing I can do or say to show I'm harmless.
Because I am not.

Then I read a blog entry of sweet, beloved Daphne, about body sovereignty...
and realized that I really, really, really cannot force these guys to grow. I can't waste time and effort and thoughts on them anymore. They have shown that they don't want to change, they can't change, they don't want my help, my concern... they are happy with their being as it is, even though *I* can clearly see that the world they are so scared of, isn't that dangerous. Even though I thought they had heard me, had been listening to me enough to know, I might be scary, my ideas might be scary, but they lead to a whole new world full of possibilities...

And then I realized that *I* have been refusing the possibility as well! I am so not happy with my life as it is.
Sure, it hurts when the buds burst oped, but refusing the bloom hurts more... and it's ME who is not allowing myself to bloom! No-one else. Because no-one else has the power!
Sure, the world is full of stupid people, who will try to protect the group and put me down, one way or another. Law of Jante exists and is strong. But isn't part of the joy of living overcoming the limits, even when the limit is Law of Jante? The inborn social fear of the whole mankind? But think of the price... Think about why you are doing this...
Do you really think it's better to let the stupid, scaredy people push you down into a miserable existence that cannot be called life, at least not life worth living, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU KNOW THAT IF THEY MANAGE, THEY WON'T THANK YOU FOR BEING A "GOOD GIRL". No, you won't get rewarded, you will be watched with suspicion, because you dared to try to break the cage. You are unreliable, dangerous, a threat to a normal society, so you need to be kept in tight reigns. They won't ever, ever, ever let you become anything more than you are right now. Is that really what you want from your life?


Because you are worth it.

"Yes pain is what’s felt when buds burst open" by Karin Boye

Saturday, August 18, 2012

I'm really sad right now

I cut out soda. Not 100%. The last half a year I have drank 4 cans of soda. I drink water instead. I drink a lot of water. No change in my weight.

I stopped eating at least 3 hours before bed. I eat between 7 A.M. and 7 P.M. I drink tea if I'm hungry after seven, and wait for the breakfast. Hey, I'm fat. I'm not going to starve to death because I have to wait for 12 hours to eat! But - no change in my weight.

I started walking. 5K every day. It took me over an hour the first times I did it. No change in my weight. I started walking 10K, because I got angry, and it was too much, too early, I hurt my foot and was unable to walk 100 meters... Really fun. But - no change in my weight.

Portion control? Not really. I TRY to, but I still eat too much. So I try to eat good things, like veggies, fruits, meat, eggs and unsweetened dairy.
I try to avoid starch like potatoes, bread or pasta. I avoid sugar like hell.
I don't avoid fat, because I don't believe in fat being a bad thing. Perhaps it is.
I give myself one "candy day" every week, when I can eat anything I want to, as much of it as I want to...

I weighed myself every day, but when my weight was UNCHANGED after a MONTH of following these rules, that SHOULD "work", I was so disheartened and depressed, my husband hid the scales.
He allowed me to weigh myself this month. No change in weight.

I have been trying to lose weight for half a year now, doing these things. I have exercised, done my Callanetics, and, well, I'm getting more compact, thinner, less fat. But my weight is still the f-ing 106 kilos it has been through this whole half a year. Well... It fluctuates a little. I have weighed 104 kilos, and 108 kilos, but 9 times of 10 the weight will show 106 kilos. So - I don't give a damn about the 2 kilos yo-yo. I should have passed 100 kilos on my way down, already! I SHOULD HAVE!!!



How am I supposed to NOT stop eating, when changing my eating habits doesn't show anywhere?
How can I motivate me to change my eating habits, and deny myself unhealthy, nasty food, like candy, fast food, bread with butter, pasta with creamy sauces, baked goods, when avoiding them doesn't show anywhere?

I am desperate! Yes, I can blame my medication that apparently makes me go up in weight - so what I lose by dieting, I gain through the medicine. Yes, I can blame my sleep apnea. I can blame my stress and depression.

I just want to die.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Don't quit

"Think of a time when you almost gave up... almost quit... almost threw in the towel... but decided to just give it one more shot.
Where did that decision take you?"

More heartache, no resolution, nothing I wanted, more confirmation of that I'm worthless, ugly, disgusting... More fear. I am hiding from the world and licking my wounds, not daring to go out there, because it f-ing hurts.

"Now think today about something that you are ready to throw out the window... something that meant the world to you at one time... or maybe it still does... maybe it's someONE who meant the world to you. Maybe, just maybe... it would be totally worth it to give it one more shot, to keep going... what do you have to lose?"

What do I have to lose? My life as I know it. It might not be perfect, but it's a good life, and losing it I would lose worthy "things". But I know I would have a good life full of worthy "things", even when they'd be different "things"...

I believe the things we notice are messages from the Universe... this message hit a string in my soul. So... what if... if I don't give up, if I don't quit, but keep pushing, keep trying, I'll get what I want?

But... what if it is because I want the dream, the illusion to be true? This message is telling me to keep going, to keep smashing my head against the wall, because the wall is going to fall... But what if my head breaks before the wall?
What if I'm not giving up on someone, but letting go of someone?
What if that thing I can't imagine being fully alive without is something that is in reality harming me?

Then I received this:

Uh. I NEED to become like he is to get what I want in life... and I love being with him... so I want him to be one of the five people.
So - do I keep pushing for something that isn't really good for me, do I keep pushing my will against everything, causing havoc in the lives of at least 4 people, probably even more through the ripples, just to satisfy this obsession of mine?
Is it an obsession because it is meant to be?
If it's meant to be, I can't influence the outcome whether I act or not, because it's meant to be...
But what if... what if I am suppose to act? What if this is incentive from God to get me active? 

I'm going into pieces.

And this: Unbreak my heart at Pinterest