Wednesday, November 21, 2012

What happened instead

"It is amazing, when we look back on what we thought we knew for absolutely sure that we wanted -- even things we grieved over because they never happened. It is amazing how blessed we were that those things never happened or because we never "got" the things we thought for sure that we wanted.

Think back, wonderful you. Think back and find those things. Think about what has happened INSTEAD. Think about where you are now, and what you have learned, and who you have become, and where you are headed, due largely in part to those things NOT happening that you were sure that wanted to happen."

Yeah... and how is it better?

I don't believe that there's The One, Mr. Right... I'm fully certain of that I would have made the best of the situation whom ever I was married to. So - not having the guys I wanted as my boyfriends... what has that given me? 
My husband is an amazing guy and I am very blessed to have him. It is quite possible that I would not have seen him, had I had a boyfriend, husband, had I dated anyone before him. But - if I had had a boyfriend, husband or previous romantic experiences, I'd probably wouldn't have missed not seeing him. 

And - even though I believe I have been good to my husband, and he might have ended killing himself several years ago, had I not seen him, and even though I think that's a good thing... 

Right now I don't know how saving him has changed the world, or will change the world.  

What I can see is the... 10 years of loneliness. 10 years of feeling worthless, 10 years of being rejected, shunned, bullied... 10 years of not being good enough, for anyone. No-one seeing anything worth having in me. 10+ years of building a lowsy self confidence and self worth.

"Kids with low self-esteem may not want to try new things and may speak negatively about themselves: "I'm stupid," "I'll never learn how to do this," or "What's the point? Nobody cares about me anyway." They may exhibit a low tolerance for frustration, giving up easily or waiting for somebody else to take over. They tend to be overly critical of and easily disappointed in themselves."

Yeah. That's me. Except, of course, I'm not stupid. I'm very intelligent. I can learn anything, be good at everything, I'm multitalented, amazing, brilliant... but I'm dumb. Naïve. Trusting, innocent, believing good of everyone and everything, overoptimistic, openminded, tolerant, loving and kind... with other words, an idiot.

You know what the funny part of this is? The world says over and over again, that being innocent, loving and kind, interested in people and the world, open and curious, childlike, is GOOD - but the world sure doesn't treat me that way. It treats me like the worthless idiot I am. 
They just see someone to take advantage of, and they do. And I am fully incapable to defend myself, or protect myself, or even prepare for the inevitable betrayal. Because I really, sincerely, honestly trust in everyone and believe the best of everyone... Even now, when I'm fighting the PTSD, feeling used and failed and rejected, when I scream to the people (in my mind. It's not that they'd bother even talking to me. They've got what they wanted. End of communication.) that I never should have trusted them, because they are untrustworthy, even now my first reaction to anyone is open interest and trust. I am an idiot. 

I'm highly intelligent, multitalented, there's nothing I can't learn, nothing I couldn't do with a little practice, and do well... and I'm good, kind and gentle... I'm brilliant and amazing.
And worthless. Nothing I am, nothing I can, is worth anything. The world just doesn't want me. 

That's what I got from not getting what I wanted when I was 10, 15, 20, 25...

I really don't understand how that is better than what I'd have if I actually had got what I wanted. 
I really can't see how anything could be worse.

Oh, yes. It could have been worse. Much worse.
I could have gotten pregnant when I was 14 with a guy who also gave me a disease that made my child severely handicapped and me infertile AND unable to ever have sex again. And then I could have ended up with a guy who beats me, and makes me feel ugly and worthless, and I could have suffered a major accident that made me unable to move, and just have to witness being abused and not being able to even speak... or witness my husband to molest my child and being unable to protect her/him... brrr...

That's one reason to why I am happy I don't have children. I'm sure I would have given them my Asperger's, so the poor kid would have been bullied and abused by the society just like I was, and I wouldn't be able to defend and protect him/her anyway. And I don't know if I could have given him/her the self esteem and information needed so that he/she could have protected and defended him/herself.

I am truly blessed by having the husband I have right now. He is... awesomeness :-D He is good and kind, he loves me, and he expresses that love with his words and body language and deeds every day in so many ways... he could write a book on how to love a woman. He could have written every decent love song, so every decent love song I hear is like him talking to me. And he's brilliant too. So amazing... 
Almost enough to compensate for the 10+ years. 

I should have been worth having both.

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