There are times I think my hair isn't quite that ugly. In fact, there are times when I think my hair is beautiful.
That time I was looking at it, and thought about how silky and shiny and pretty it looks... and I got furious. How dares my hair claim it's pretty, when it so obviously cannot be?! If it was, wouldn't people compliment it? Wouldn't people notice that there's at least SOMETHING pretty in me, so that I wouldn't need to compensate so much all the time for the lack of beauty?
So I took scissors, a handful of hair and cut it off. My husband realized something was wrong and rushed into the bathroom to find me having sheared half of my head.
I remember his expression, standing there at the doorway...
I promised I would never do anything like that again. Sure, I could cut my hair, have any hairdo I wanted, but not like that, not for that reason.
I don't have an official diagnose of having BDD. On the contrary. I have an official diagnose of NOT having BDD... which makes me ugly for real.
There are these people who joke about that.
I hoped I had hope. I hoped this is just something in my mind - I still do. I still hope they made a mistake, and in reality I'm not quite as ugly as I think I am. Or that there is something that can be done.
I can't afford any cosmetic surgery, and I wouldn't know what to fix. I mean... they can't do that much with cosmetic surgery, it really works only with big flaws, like cleft lip, missing nose, elephant man condition... not just general ugliness.
And... I don't think people should look alike. I don't think a big nose makes a person ugly. I think Barbra Streisand is quite beautiful, even though she has a big nose. Perhaps even because she has a big nose. She is different, special, unique, unforgettable, recognizable, herself, and therefore beautiful.
But - I don't know what makes me ugly. I just know I am ugly.
Well... I know what makes me ugly. Especially in this image, with that Hitler hairdo. Thin, greasy hair, cleft double chin, square face... I hate my smile, because I show my gums. Big nose, pouches under eyes - on a "good" day I have raccoon eyes. A lot of skin around my eyes making them look smaller, bushy eyebrows that grow together in the middle... monobrow might have been the prettiest thing on a Roman woman, but... it's not now. I hate those fat cheeks of mine... when the cheeks puff upp like that and create the crescent shadow under, that's called having a "tomcat cheeks". I really hate those puffy apples... And when I smile, I get a chin like Stan Laurel.Or make-up. I have tried to learn to use it, but no matter what make-up I have, my eyes can't tolerate it. They will start tearing up and swollow, and how pretty is that?
Besides, I have had my make-up done by a professional make-up artist, and I looked even worse. As if the makeup just enhanced the ugliness...
Or that other time... my sister had a good friend who was a make-up artist. We sisters spend an afternoon with her, she talked about make-up and stuff, and then we got to do our own. And... I looked hideous.
This make-up artist didn't help me in any way, and neither did my sisters, and they allowed me to go home looking like that, and I remember trying not to cry openly, not to make my sisters feel bad, and I was really grateful of the fact that they lived on the Northern side of the town and I on the Southern side, so I didn't need to do that very long.
I have never felt that ugly in public.
It's like putting lipstick on a pig, or dressing up a monkey. Doesn't make it any prettier. On the contrary.
P.S. I tried to find out if there is an English expression to describe these cheeks like mine... and there isn't. But... apparently they are really desirable.