Thursday, November 29, 2012


I remember standing in front of the mirror and looking at me, trying to figure out what especially is so ugly in me, if there's anything I could do, anything I could change... and I looked at my hair.
There are times I think my hair isn't quite that ugly. In fact, there are times when I think my hair is beautiful.
That time I was looking at it, and thought about how silky and shiny and pretty it looks... and I got furious. How dares my hair claim it's pretty, when it so obviously cannot be?! If it was, wouldn't people compliment it? Wouldn't people notice that there's at least SOMETHING pretty in me, so that I wouldn't need to compensate so much all the time for the lack of beauty?
So I took scissors, a handful of hair and cut it off. My husband realized something was wrong and rushed into the bathroom to find me having sheared half of my head.
I remember his expression, standing there at the doorway...
I promised I would never do anything like that again. Sure, I could cut my hair, have any hairdo I wanted, but not like that, not for that reason.

I don't have an official diagnose of having BDD. On the contrary. I have an official diagnose of NOT having BDD... which makes me ugly for real.

There are these people who joke about that.

I hoped I had hope. I hoped this is just something in my mind - I still do. I still hope they made a mistake, and in reality I'm not quite as ugly as I think I am. Or that there is something that can be done.

I can't afford any cosmetic surgery, and I wouldn't know what to fix. I mean... they can't do that much with cosmetic surgery, it really works only with big flaws, like cleft lip, missing nose, elephant man condition... not just general ugliness.

And... I don't think people should look alike. I don't think a big nose makes a person ugly. I think Barbra Streisand is quite beautiful, even though she has a big nose. Perhaps even because she has a big nose. She is different, special, unique, unforgettable, recognizable, herself, and therefore beautiful.

But - I don't know what makes me ugly. I just know I am ugly.

Well... I know what makes me ugly. Especially in this image, with that Hitler hairdo. Thin, greasy hair, cleft double chin, square face... I hate my smile, because I show my gums. Big nose, pouches under eyes - on a "good" day I have raccoon eyes. A lot of skin around my eyes making them look smaller, bushy eyebrows that grow together in the middle... monobrow might have been the prettiest thing on a Roman woman, but... it's not now. I hate those fat cheeks of mine... when the cheeks puff upp like that and create the crescent shadow under, that's called having a "tomcat cheeks". I really hate those puffy apples... And when I smile, I get a chin like Stan Laurel.
Uh. Ugly.
Or make-up. I have tried to learn to use it, but no matter what make-up I have, my eyes can't tolerate it. They will start tearing up and swollow, and how pretty is that?
Besides, I have had my make-up done by a professional make-up artist, and I looked even worse. As if the makeup just enhanced the ugliness...

Or that other time... my sister had a good friend who was a make-up artist. We sisters spend an afternoon with her, she talked about make-up and stuff, and then we got to do our own. And... I looked hideous.
This make-up artist didn't help me in any way, and neither did my sisters, and they allowed me to go home looking like that, and I remember trying not to cry openly, not to make my sisters feel bad, and I was really grateful of the fact that they lived on the Northern side of the town and I on the Southern side, so I didn't need to do that very long.
I have never felt that ugly in public.

It's like putting lipstick on a pig, or dressing up a monkey. Doesn't make it any prettier. On the contrary.

P.S. I tried to find out if there is an English expression to describe these cheeks like mine... and there isn't. But... apparently they are really desirable.


  1. I found your blog when googling about BDD, as I was just attempting to do a tentative self-diagnosis for myself.

    When I saw your post about how you say you do not have a BDD; you really are fat and ugly, my immediate reaction was: wha! She has to be jokin'!

    Many pictures of beautiful rounded-faced women can look really bad, think of e.g. Adele:
    Bad picture:
    Good picture:

    See? You should really try a make-over to see how you really look, and not trust bad pics of yourself.
    - do your hair: Jennifer Aniston has a flat, thin hair, and she can still make it look gorgeous. If regular hairdo and blow-dry doesn't work for you, try extensions. Nothing wrong with whatever (non-surgical) that makes you look better - all celebrities do so, few women have naturally gorgeous hair!
    - bleach your teeth: I also disliked my yellow smile, and investing a couple of hundreds of dollars in white teeth was totally worth it. Now I feel like smiling in public again. You have beautiful, even teeth and a symmetric smile, nothing to be ashamed about! Showing gums (you don't even show that much) is characteristic of you, only you perceive it ugly. Julia Roberts' smile is world famous, and very gummy, gummier than yours. :) Gummy smiles from celebrities: :)
    - You don't have fat cheeks, you have plump and round cheeks, which many find more attractive than slim, cheekless face (I have one, and would trade to yours in an instant!).
    - Everyone has pouches under eyes especially in natural light. Everyone. Especially when smiling. It's natural, not ugly. :)
    - You don't have a big nose, it's not small either, but it reminds me of some Arab or East European women, whose noses are world-famously attractive.
    - You DON't have a cleft double chin, you really don't. Elisha Cuthbert has one, and ADELE. You don't, not even close.
    - I don't see a square face: I see square cheeks when you smile, as you have very high cheekbones and a broad face. However, you don't have a wide, masculine chin, or a wide forehead, so you're not even close to a square. Paris Hilton has a square face, and in fact quite a few models. So having some 'squareness' is definitely not a sign of ugly!

    You're one of those ladies who should undergo one of these makeover TV programs or just a regular makeover, and have a professional photographer take pictures of you. It really does make a difference.

    Even if I have BDD, I have learned a trick or two about how to love myself: I don't obsess about hair or make-up, but I have learned some tricks to highlight the best part of me (I would say yours are your cheekbones, smile, beautifully curved eyebrows and your nose), while reducing the attention to, or doing something about the less pretty parts (yellow teeth, and the flat hair, whose colour is probably not the best on you (try dark ice brown or honey blonde).

    Just DO something. Take a makeover week, save money for a hairdo and makeup, and even hire a personal dresser and a photographer. Bring your best girlfriend with you. It may not cure you 100%, but it WILL make it better. I promise, been there. :)

    Good luck!

    Fellow BDD

  2. Oh and P.S. about your bad experience with a makeup artist.. also been THERE. You gotta find someone who actually makes you look naturally fresh without clumpy eye makeup that makes you tear up, or extensive amount of foundation. You have to find someone who can show the real you!

    For instance, I look hideous with bright red lipstick. My mouth is not made for it. Normally I don't wear anything on my lips, and look fine. Sometimes I add a bit of lipgloss (colour has to match or it looks odd). Same goes for heavy eye makeup; doesn't work for me. Nor certain blends. The blend has to match, the hair, my eye colour, everything. E.g. no red colours, or my skin looks redder; earthy, blue and green colours work for me, and even then the blend has to work. But once you find your blend, the colours that work, the blush (blush doesn't work for me), etc... it really works!

    It took me ten years of trial and error. My friends tried to help, and I tried two professional makeup artists. All of them failed, and the makeups made me look even uglier. Until one day it simply clicked; I started experimenting on my own, actually listening to some of the magazine's guidelines on 'natural daylight beauty', and skipping all the 'night makeup' looks. I experimented, combining with different clothes and colours and hairdos, and finally found something that works.

    I used to be commented on by my girlfriends about my look. 'have you considered maybe....' 'well it's nice, but...'. Today everyone asks ME advise on makeup and colours! :D

  3. I love your picture. You excite me