Saturday, March 17, 2012

But it f-ing hurts!

It's easy to say not to make room in your heart for people who don't want to be there...
it's not easy to do.

Friday, March 16, 2012

I make myself...

I'm making myself anything I want to be.

I am the one who tells me if I'm good enough or not. The rest of the world can keep talking and telling me both this and that, but it is me who choose whether to believe them or not.
So - let's cut ourselves some slack so we can focus on important stuff.
Looks are not supposed to be important. It's supposed to matter what's inside you, isn't it? So make it matter.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I will be reborn from this fire

Advice from Kristin Armstrong from Mile Markers.

I miss him. I miss him so it hurts.

I have always thought Edgar Allan Poe's Raven is horrifying, deeply sad and menacing... I never thought it would be about me. Never more, the Raven quoth...

Någon djupt förtvivlad kvinna,
som sitt sista hopp sett svinna
har till slut ej kunnat finna
annat uttryck eller fler,
har ej som hoppets svansång funnit andra eller fler
än de orden: "Aldrig mer".

It is as if he was dead and it was my words that killed him from me.

I know it's stupid to mourn something that never existed, and it's stupid to waste tears over a person who obviously isn't worth it. I suppose I'm crying because I wanted something to exist worth mourning, and I wanted to be enough not to be treated like this.
I didn't want to have a crush on him, but I sure didn't want to mean nothing to him either.
I thought he might see me as a person interesting enough to be friends with.
And I'm not.
I thought he was glad to see me, as glad as I was to see him.
I thought he enjoyed reading my mails and text messages. I thought he would smile when he saw a message from me in his phone or mailbox, open it with expectations and emerge from the reading with joy. I wanted to bring him joy and pleasure, brighten up his days, be a light in a gray day...
and I was nothing. Just another job. One face among the dozens that go through his work days.

I suppose I'm mourning that.

And the thought that I really don't have the slightest idea of when people are lying, scares me. I wouldn't know if people are really being kind and interested and open and sincere, and meaning what I think they mean... I compare myself to what the world obviously appreciates, and I fall short all the time. I'm not pretty, I'm fat, I'm... weird, too much wrong things, too little right things... why would I go out to the world where I am not amazing, wonderful, beautiful and lovely, which I am within the walls of my home?

And all this advice about regretting not doing things...

I told him I have a crush on him because... I really don't know why I did that. I was being desperate of losing him, losing the activity that made me feel good about myself... oh dear... I felt equal.

I don't feel equal with my family. They are all older and have jobs and money and life in order - at least to some level. They are all adults and functional and productive members of the society. I am not.

The only person I feel equal with is my husband.
Then there was this work coaching thingy. And now it's gone, and gone in a way that makes me feel the equality I assumed existed was only that... assumptions. Imaginary, make-believe.

And I'm ashamed of being so stupid to think there was something that was not. Ashamed of believing I could be worth that... ashamed of believing I could be seen as equal by other people. How could I have the audacity to think I'm anything but... slightly annoying, a small disturbance, a little uncomfortable, tiny nuisance, a piece of garbage flying in the wind... not enough of anything to be noticed.

I'm ashamed of having read people so wrong, allowing myself to imagine... I should have known better. Once again, I have let my hopes and dreams lead me to create a pretty paper world, I have trusted people who really weren't up to it... and the worst part of this is that I really cannot blame them.
They are not bad people.
They didn't hurt me because they wanted to hurt me.
They didn't think much of me because they thought little of me, they didn't give me the respect I deserve because they denied me it... it just never was there - for them.

Throwing a piece of trash away is not intended as an insult to the piece of trash, but the piece of trash sure feels like being insulted, if it doesn't realize it's a piece of trash.

Well, well... now I have to decide what I will be reborn as.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

about losing and missing

I started an amazing adventure last summer... I participated in this thing designed to get people with Aspergers to work, because of all the positive effects of having a normal work... like social life with work mates, routine, salary, worth of doing something meaningful and worthwhile... having a "normal" place in the world, feeling a little less different and awkward and alien.

It was wonderful. I was being open and honest about myself, and the guys acted as if it was something good... I felt seen and listened to, and approved and appreciated... and it felt really good. And I was starting to think that perhaps I AM worth something, ME... that I don't NEED to try to adjust and fit into some expectations and models and be something I am not... that I have something worth something to add to the world and society, that I am not just some weirdo...

My adventure ended this week. I need to wait until next week to really feel the impact of this piece in my life missing.

The worst part of it is that it ended really badly...
I fell in love with my work coach... or mentor or what to call him. He reminded me of my father, both my big brothers AND my first love. Besides, it's his job to be interested in me... I didn't have a chance! :-D
(I also happen to think he's quite good looking.)
I was being open and honest about my crush and the result was that he cut off all communication, and disappeared from my life as if he was dead.
His last words to me were "See you in Tuesday".

Now, I have Aspergers. One of the things we have great difficulties with is changes. Another is not being informed. Not only did I lose my mentor, I lost also the time for my appointment I was used to have, and I was appointed another coach, a person I've never met or spoken with, and what made it worse was that I was practically ignored. I was informed that I'm going to get another work coach and this person will contact me... some day, in the future and that's it. That's all.

Right now I'm fully convinced of that they were just pretending to be interested of me. I was an assignment, a job, not a human being. I feel like a lab rat, a freak show exhibit... come see the fat, bearded, tattooed lady... you won't believe what she can do with ping-pong balls!

It makes it very hard to believe in what they said to me, what made me feel good about myself... but on the other hand...

I am amazing, wonderful, unique - even for a person with Aspergers. I am brilliant in all the meanings of the word, childlike, innocent, naïve, pure, true, honest, sincere, open and lovely.

And the thing is that I might not be beautiful, sexy, attractive, irresistable... I might not be a "glamour girl". People might not be pinning my pictures on the wall as something they like looking at... but that... that, my darlings, that is just a question of attitude and a little work.
In reality, I am not uglier than women who are considered the most beautiful in the world. Because it is a question of an attitude. I have to carry myself as if I was beautiful.
And it is a question of care and work - I need to take care of me and present myself as if I was a sexy, beautiful woman.
After all, I AM amazing, brilliant and all that ALREADY. I can actually put a little work on the package... because I AM worth it.

This is Scarlett Harlott... wow... THAT is what I want! 
The color, the style, the flare, the confidence, the smile!

So - next Tuesday, I will not see the man I had a crush on. I will see myself.
I will take myself to a date and treat me with the best I can.
I will do things I'm afraid of because I ask myself to.
I will tell myself what an amazing and wonderful person I am, and this time I know it's 100% true, honest and sincere, because I wouldn't lie to me. I say those things to myself, because I care about me and I believe those things to be true.
I will teach myself things, like how to apply make-up and how to keep it on :-D
I will give me everything my heart desires...

I will have a wonderful life.