Saturday, November 14, 2009

Mysterious adventurer

Elizabeth McGovern as dame Celia Westholme
in Agatha Christie; Appointment with death

I know he loves to travel. I know he loves the fells.
I know he finds intelligence and curiosity attractive.
I know he likes to read, about people. He likes people.
I know he appreciates arts and culture.

And I know that guys who are into sports also like women with big boobs. So I'm well off there.

Sags should be attracted to clean, nicely dressed and fit women.
And they should be attracted to active women, testosterone junkies, mysterious adventurers...

The thing is that *I* would be absolutely perfect... If I was what *I* want to be, I'd be his dream woman...

Isn't it interesting how fate likes it?

Friday, October 30, 2009

First goal reached!

This morning I weighed exactly 100.0 kilos!

I am still not hungry, but the gravings come and go. I have noticed that if I eat a good breakfast and drink water properly (a lot, that is), there isn't as much gravings.
On the other hand, I am going to bake today - Danish dark rye, Challah and Karelian pastries (pirogies).
Danish rye recipe is Camilla Plum's Old School rye - the recipe is in Danish - with Jan Hedh's sourdough from the book "Bröd" (Bread).
Challah recipe is from the Complete International Jewish Cookbook by Evelyn Rose.
Karelian rice pierogis are an old national recipe I learned in school. This is ok, but I use all rye. (wheat is for whimps ;-)). The name may vary from Karelian pierogis to Karelian rice pastries to Karelian rye-crusted pastries to even Karelian pies. (the word "piirakka" in Finnish is used of all these sorts of baked goods. Sometimes "pasteija" is used of the finer sort of pastries/pierogis.)
I also know I am going to taste everything I bake. Not good for the diet, better for the feelings.

It has been horrible to stand out with the feelings of being left without and outside, not having, being poor and lonely. Food, especially delicacies, is a cheap way of feeling rich. When I was a kid, we didn't have money to buy candy and "white bread", and the food was rationed - as we were 6 kids growing up, and there wasn't much money - I have been eating to fill the hole, to secure I will never be hungry again and I will never be without anything good. My table is to overflow of cream and wheat, candy and baked goods, meat and butter.
So now as I am not eating, the overflowing table is just a nuisance, a temptation... but the feelings of being without are still there.

But it's Friday and I may eat what ever I wish. I am going to make myself some pasta with minced meat sauce, just the way my mother did it, and eat it with rye bread, I am going to eat the pastries, I am going to eat some potato chips and a little wine gums :-) Or not exactly LOL I am going to eat one tiny bowl of pasta, half of a slice of rye bread, one Karelian pastry and a tiny bowl of chips (50g) and perhaps 2 or 3 wine gums. I don't want to slip back to my old ways.

One thing I have noticed, is that when I don't eat much, what I eat tastes 10 times more. I have noticed that I don't miss salt, but I have developed a taste for sour things. I have also noticed, that I get satisfied with very little - 2 cookies is enough. I don't need to eat the whole package of cookies. I don't need to eat 2-4 person's portions, 2, 3 forkfulls is enough. I'm sure that if I continue with this, I will get my relation with food in order, and live happily ever after, not overweight.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Week 2, Day 2

I am very depressed.
I am still not hungry, I have lost 4 something kilos in 9 days. I am sort of getting rid of the addiction, but... *sigh* Now I'm in the place where you really don't want to get rid of it, because it fills a space in your life, and now that space is empty, and I don't know what to fill it with.
("Pray and meditate", says my hubby. Blah, says I.)

Sunday, October 25, 2009

First week is over

It's sunday afternoon, and I have been eating very little the whole week. I have eaten a little yogurt and drank a little juice every day, the rest has been mostly water and a couple of cups of tea.

On Friday evening I allowed myself to eat a little cabbage stew with rye bread - I ate like three forkfulls and two bites of the sandwich, and gave the rest to the dog. I just didn't want to eat more. I also allowed myself 50g of potato chips and 5 cookies, of which I ate the chips and 2 cookies, and it felt too much. I felt like I had eaten a good dinner, that I wasn't refusing myself the goodness of food.

Then on Saturday I was surfing the Bread Baking Babes and Daring Bakers, encountered apple strudel, wanted to make that. (Not eat.) That lead me to pulling noodles in my hands. Unfortunately, one of the videos showing noodle pulling, also showed some Chinese pork pasties, that look exactly like Tatar Peremech pastries, and THOSE are... those are DIVINE!!! I could eat tons of those, and I couldn't make those and not eat all I can.
So I went to the kitchen and tried to make noodles, but I think my dough is too stiff. I threw it away and now I'm going to kitchen to make another batch, with more water this time. :-)

I feel ok, I'm not hungry, I don't have gravings so hard I can't handle them. I want this and that, but it's ok not to have it.

I weighed 106 kilos when I started, now I weigh 102.7

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Ok... not eating since Monday

Though it's not 100% not eating. I eat a little yogurt every day, to keep the tummy bacteria in order. But this is day 4 of my no-eat diet. I drink a cup of tea, some juice with added vitamins and such and less sugar, I take my vitamins and extra iron and fish oil capsules, the rest is water. I drink like 2 liters every day.
I haven't lost any weight since Tuesday.
But I also have PMS, so I suppose I'm retaining water. *sigh*
I have lost so far 2 kilos, and 2 kilos a week is GREAT! I should be weighing myself once a week, and not every day. That way I would actually see how I loose weight.

I am not hungry or graving much either. That was a huge surprise to me. I expected it to be harder.
I was thinking about Over-eaters Anonymous, and addiction and abstinence - In OA it is said that being addicted to food is very hard thing to handle, because we have to eat to live.
I was thinking about the Scottish man who didn't eat for over a year.
I think about all of us who are obese, and could stop eating - the amount of damage we do to our bodies when we don't eat is actually less than what we do when we eat too much and when what we eat is unhealthy - too little fibers, too little vitamins and minerals, too much fat, starch and sugar.

My tummy isn't hard and swollen, but soft and sort of flat. I have plenty of tummy fat, so it cannot be flat, but it's not like a full blown balloon, like it often is.

My energy level is very low, I don't sleep well, but that hasn't changed at all from when I started this. I expect the change in my weight and the pills I get from my doctors to take care of my pains and sleeping.

I cannot keep myself warm. I have 2 pairs of wool socks on top of each other and my feet are cold, so cold they hurt. My fingers are cold too. That didn't bother me too much before I started this fasting.

I am very depressed right now, but it can be due to several reasons that has nothing to do with fasting. Let's see how I am after the periods.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Oh, dear, how I want to eat!

It's the evening of the second day of experience, I haven't eaten anything but a little yoghurt and drank some tea and water.
I went to kitchen to clean it, and saw some boiled potatoes, cold, with skin... I looked at them and thought that when I want to eat them, cold, then I'll eat.
I dream about candy, baked goods, cookies with milk, french fries - basically junkfood and sugar. But when I think of actually eating the stuff... We have some ice cream and french fries in freezer, it's just to go and have me some. No-one is going to stop me, no-one is going to think any less of me.
But - the thing is that it's working...
And the mere thought of actually EATING the food doesn't appeal to me.

Second day fasting...

I'm not hungry. At least not that I know of. I have probably eaten for desire only for so long I wouldn't even recognize hunger. But I am wanting...
My husband ordered some chicken and french fries while we were talking in the phone, and I heard him later bite to the fries... Mmmmmmm...!
I was thinking about the story of boiled potatoes and eggs, and, mmm.... I want some boiled eggs and potatoes!
Perhaps I am hungry LOL

BTW, to something else. You know the lovely story of the boy who saved his girlfriend by trixing her to take the only helmet, when the brakes of his motorcycle broke? They have rewritten it... obviously they totally missed the message of the original story and wanted to make it sadder. :->
Sad? Not the least! Makes me happy that the stupid people died.
And I came to think about the people to whom the story of the potatoes and eggs wasn't good enough... "The carrots went in strong, hard and unrelenting, but after being subjected to the boiling water, they softened and became weak." Doesn't seem to me they understood the original story either >:->
BTW I hate coffee.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

We don't need to eat to live

A 200 kilos man from Scotland lived over a year without anything but water and vitamins. He didn't eat anything for over a year! He lost 125 kilos. He didn't die. He didn't develop weird sicknesses and conditions. His intestines didn't stop functioning. Sure, he was under a doctor's surveillance all the time. I haven't been able to verify this story, but it was in Horizon's "Why Aren't Thin People Fat", so I assume it's real. As I haven't been able to verify the story, I don't know whether this guy is still alive and normal weighed, or what medical consequences he got from that.

We are using almost 2000 kronas every month to food. If we ate nothing but water and vitamines, we would save 2000 cronas every month! Amazing!

I wonder what Henric would say...

Of course he got defensive and we have a massive argument. *sigh*

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Geocities is closing...

...and I'm vacuuming data... so many sites, so little time. But - I'll get what I am supposed to get. The Universum has its way of getting me the information I need.

My therapist told me today that she cannot work with me. Or actually, I told her that I cannot work with her. I don't feel she gives me any response, feedback, suggestions, support nor tools, so what the heck do I need her for? Obviously she agrees with me, so - no more therapy. Fun.

Nevertheless, you know I have been sick and getting worse the last 10 years. While I was collecting information, I run to this:

Out-of-Shape Immune Systems

We all know the signs that prove that our bodies are "out of shape". Our body fat increases, we tire more easily, walking short distances can tire us or cause us to be short of breath, and we usually find it hard to become motivated to make changes. We get depressed more easily, we don't eat right, and we don't care about exercise. What does this have to do with our immune system? ...just about everything... When the immune system is "out of shape", we feel fatigued, we lose the fight against depression, our hearing and eyesight begins to fail, we have muscle aches, digestion problems, find it hard to get restful sleep, and have no energy for even the most mundane of things. Just as we have to keep our bodies healthy, we have to do the things that will keep our immune systems healthy.

- Improve the diet
- Get more sleep
- Get the right kind of exercise in the right amounts
- Improve the attitudes that dictate how we handle stress

9 Essential Immune Boosting Nutrients

Vitamin A and Beta-Carotene

Found in most fruits and vegetables, especially yellow - carrots, cantaloupe yams (sweet potatoes)
Protects against tumor growth and cancerous disorders
Boosts white blood cells that detoxify your system

Vitamin B6

Whole grains, potatoes, nuts, lean meats, poultry, dark leafy vegetables
Helps to distribute the needed amino acids that build and repair the cellular walls of your immune system to resist infectious diseases


Found in legumes, salmon, dark leafy vegetables, eggs and liver (eggs and liver are high in cholesterol - consume in moderation)
Essential in the formation of cells, especially red blood cells

Vitamin C

Citrus fruits, tomatoes, cabbage, and other raw leafy vegetables, strawberries, melons, kiwi (excellent source in small package - 2 kiwi provide a day's RDA of Vitamin C)
Essential to the healing of wounds, formation and maintenace of the capillary walls, guards against infection by stimulating white blood cells

Vitamin E

Wheat germ, whole grains, vegetabel oils, cereals
Strengthens the immune system at several levels. Prevents damage to cells, stimulates white blood cells. Effective and lifesaving antioxidant


Seafoods, lean meats, poultry, eggs, whole grains, and garlic
Guards clees against damage, builds resistance to tissue breakdown and counteracts the effects of toxic byproducts


Whole grains, oats, seafood, eggs, meat and poultry
Boosts energy levels, is a helper in many immune functions, needed for insulin to work and for carbohydrates to metabolize


Liver, green leafy vegetables, raisins, whole grain breads and cereals, prune juice, wheat bran, and brewer's yeast
Oxygen carrying element of the blood, and an essential part of every cell.

Omega-3 Fatty Acids

Seafoods, trout, mackerel, and salmon
Valuable in increasing the activity of the white blood cells and are important in the cleansing and detoxification of your system

Friday, September 25, 2009

Well... bad news? Or god?

My doctor called... he's a bit upset because I don't trust him. I feel he doesn't listen. He claims he does. The last call ended with he telling me there was nothing wrong with my tests, I asking him where will we go now, and he ending the call... I am, of course, happy to know there's nothing wrong with my blood sugar or thyroids, that I don't have high blood pressure, anemia or rheumatic problems, but I have something and I want to know what it is, so that something can be done to it. Either I get help and cure, or I get to live on permanent disability. What ever. I just want to know what is wrong. My hands are aching so bad.

I don't have a good appetite. All food tastes bad. I keep searching for good food, delicious food, the experience with food, I keep eating because I miss the luxury of tasty food. I suppose I should go by my appetite. If I start loosing weight like 10 kilos a month, someone should react.
I wish I found something else to indulge myself with. I don't like spas and such.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

I was at the town today

When I was dressing up, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought that I don't look that bad. Sure, I'm fat, but I don't look bad.
I got dressed and still liked the way I looked and it felt good.
I got off the buss, saw my reflection in a shop window and was shocked! I didn't look like that in my own mirror! I looked almost pregnant, very much top-heavy and dressed somewhat like a bag-lady. Not at all nice.

I'm the "goblet shape" - wide back, shoulders, breast, big breasts, high and short waist, square, narrow hips and loooooooooooooong legs.
Now, they are not good looking long legs, because they are very muscular. I have the awful, ugly calf muscles with very good definition. I look like a bad transvestite on high heels. My husband happens to love muscular women and doesn't like the smooth shaped legs, which I think are good looking legs. So - no fishnets and miniskirts for me, thank you. I don't understand why people think if a woman has long legs, she must have good looking legs! I don't!
Sure, I should get bootcut trousers with my high heels and... er... what the heck to do with the upper part?
V-necks, crossovers, wraps, scooped necks, 3/4 coat.
"V neck tops and jackets nipped in at the waist are best for minimizing their top halves."
They also say that Catherine Zeta Jones, Renee Zellweger and Jessica Lange have this shape... good for me :-) I love Catherine Zeta Jones, and wouldn't mind one bit having her body :-D So, if I weight 130 pounds too, as she does, and dance, as she does, I will :-) (Looking at that CZJ "raw" image on left... well... perhaps. Except that I won't have as nice legs.)

P.S. I'm looking at Star... they are talking about Reese Witherspoon's 49.5 feet character in Monsters vs. Aliens and Daryl Hannah's 50 feet character in Attack of the 50 foot woman. The name in Swedish is "Wow, my wife is a sexy monster". *sigh*

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

What makes a girl beautiful?

These women are not beautiful by my standards. But they are thin... and they care about their looks, have definite style, makeup, hair done, and have self confidence. They act as they were beautiful and the world responds by treating them as if they were. And it's all that really matters.

I, as every other woman on this planet (or so I believe), want to be beautiful. I'm sure my face is already more beautiful, so if I only learn to put on a makeup, get a stylish wardrobe (and I'm sure I would have style, even if I wasn't fashionable), good haircut, learn to run with high heels, exercise a lot and get agile, and - yes, loose half of me... the world would see me as beautiful too :-)

Now, the world would see me as beautiful already today, if I saw myself as beautiful.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

According to this ideal body weight calculator, I should weight around 70 kilos. I weight 105.9 kg. BMI 37.5. Ok, so I'm fat. So?

Diseases linked to obesity are: diabetes, gallstones, problems with breathing, sleep apnea, problems with heart and veins, problems with back and legs and problems with menstruation, fertility and pregnancy.

Now, I have problems with breathing and sleep apnea and problems with legs. It would be nice to not to have pain in knees and ankles and to be able to breathe and sleep normally. I also do NOT want diabetes, gallstones or heart problems.
But nice enough to start loosing weight?

I can have my comfort. Nothing stops me from sitting in a sofa in my flanell nightie and duvet and books and tv. I just have to change my eating and start exercising. That takes only half an hour a day from sofa time. Not too dangerous and hard, don't you agree?

I don't need to sacrifice any of my favorite foods. I can eat anything, just not as much.
Two spoonfuls of macaroni and cheese is just as good as a whole bowl.
A quarter cinnamon roll is just as good as five.
A handful of candy is just as good as a bowlful.
If I eat my candy a handful a day, a bowl lasts a lot longer. I can eat my candy and have it too, you see ;-)
It also saves money which I can use to buy me something else I like, like more yarn, books, CDs, DVDs, jewelry, art... pretty clothes or materials to make pretty clothes. They make very few pretty clothes of my size, and I can sew, so I can make my own pretty clothes. Or I could, if not all my money went on candy and fast food ;-)

I should eat when I'm hungry, what I want and stop eating when I'm not hungry anymore. If it means eating a bite of a sandwich every two hours, then that's what I should do.

I should eat what I eat between 6AM and 6PM. People who eat breakfast and who don't eat at night have better BMI than people who skip the breakfast and eat after 8PM.

I should be drinking water and take my multivitamins and fish oil :-) That helps too.

Here's a very good article to help you decide what changes you need to do to loose weight. If you want to... ;-)

But why loose weight, other than for health reasons?
Health reasons should be enough, but the thing is that I hate the way I look. I think I'm disgusting. I think others think I'm disgusting. I am ashamed of the way I look. I hate being fat. I am ashamed for being fat. It is eating my self confidence. I don't do a lot of things because I'm fat.
I don't go to a gym,
I don't start martial arts training, even though I love martial arts passionately. I drool over swords and watch action movie fight scenes with shining eyes and manic grin.
I don't go to yoga.
I don't do parkour, even though I love that too.
I don't do acrobatics and contortion, and I would love to. I would love to be able to sit on my own head :-D
I don't go bungyjumping nor do any of the extreme things I long to do.
I'm too fat and heavy, people would laugh at me, I would damage myself or the equipment, people would laugh at me...

I want to be beautiful and sexy, and not only to my husband. I want to give my husband a wife to be proud of. I know he's proud of me, because he has expressed it very clearly that he is, but I don't think other guys think he's lucky to have me. I think they laugh at him, pity him, think he's a looser, because I'm fat.

I also want to wear pretty clothes and look good in them. As it is now, I look fat in almost anything, BECAUSE I AM FAT! I don't think I look good. My sisters are all lean and beautiful and dress well, and I'm just fat. I hate going to clothes stores, when the biggest size they have is 42, perhaps 44, and I am size 50. It is extremely painful and humiliating and just increases my feeling of being left out and being ignored. They don't even bother clothing me! I am to wear some old sack and go be ashamed of myself for being such a fat looser, not to come into their posh store with clothes for WOMEN. Fat women are not women, just something... disgusting.
As Oscar de la Renta put it, when asked by a large woman if he could make her clothes; "Madam, I am not an upholsterer, I design CLOTHES" (A statement I will NEVER forgive him. NEVER!)
That story is supposed to be funny, but excuse me for not laughing when a person is reduced into a walking piece of furniture, and especially when it's done by one of the privileged people. His charity work and work for environment doesn't excuse him. Frankly, it's his DUTY to give at least 10 percent of his incomes to charity anyway, and he gets very well paid by people's admiration of his "generosity" and "kindness". Bah! Insensitive, prejudiced b--rd, that's what he is.

Sure, he designs very nice clothes, but let's face it -
anyone can dress a model and make it look good. It takes a real designer to dress a woman who is not perfect and make it look good.

Oscar de la Renta cannot do that.

Monday, September 21, 2009

I am fat, but soon I won't be

I weigh over 100 kilos. That's over 200 pounds. This year started well. By the Christmas 2008 I went over 100 kilos, got really scared and disgusted with me, started the new year with Atkins, lost 10 kilos, was pleased with me, and then in February I spoiled it all. Came my sister's 50th birthday, came Imbolc, Mardi Gras, and I didn't want to deny me all the goodies... so I didn't. Now, half a year later, I weigh about 105 kilos. I hate myself, I hate my weight, I hate my fat. My husband tries to tell me that he loves my body, just the way it is, but it's not helping much, because I get a slightly bad conscience for hating it so much, wanting to destroy something he likes... I know he will like me 40 kilos lighter too, because it's me he loves, but... I hate being fat.

So, Atkins it is from today on, until I have reached the goal weight. It's not too harsh, I don't plan on going from 105 to 55. I haven't weighed 55 kilos since I was... 13 or something. I don't even plan to get to the "ideal weight" of a woman of my height, 59 kilos. I weighed over 60 kilos already when I was a teenager, and haven't gone back. Was I fat then? No way! I was athletic. Almost pure muscle. But I also have very wide shoulders and breast and back, which makes me look much heavier than I am.

Now I'm going to jump over the long and sad story of my childhood - what is needed to know in this blog is that I was very lonely child, living in the middle of nowhere with no reasonable possibility to join the social gatherings, we were poor and I was bullied since I was 10. I turned to food and candy to try to heal my wounded soul. I used to make myself a batch of fudge when I came home from school - there wasn't anyone home, usually, take the pan and a book and disappear. Candy loved you, tasted good, who ever you were. It still does.
Why would I leave my best friend, my only friend, simply because it makes me fat?

So what I need to do is to realize that candy is not my friend. It's like a neighborhood dealer. It gives me a high and I pay with my health, physical, mental and social.

The problem is that I can't see anything I could replace it with. I don't trust people, thanks to the 30 years of abuse I have received from them. People are fickle, self-centered, forgetful and untrustworthy... It's not that they could do anything about it. I'm the same way. I think of only what I see everyday, it's out of sight, out of mind. I have my own problems and life closest my heart, and don't see others' problems and situations, why would they see mine? I fully understand WHY people are fickle, self-centered, forgetful and untrustworthy, but the fact remains that that is what they are. Every social meeting, whether it's two people meeting each other at the street, or a 80000 people at a concert, is a soup of situations and problems and troubles and worries and hopes and thoughts and feelings and moods and chemistry...
You can trust in simple chemistry of cooking and baking and candy-making. You can trust the can of ice cream. You can trust the bag of candy. You can trust your daily bread and pasta, butter and cream.

Frankly, I just want to be with my candy and my books. It's safe. It's nice. It's rewarding. It's comfortable.

How would I learn to choose adventures over safe? I love adventures, I would love to be an action heroine, a person who goes to places no-one else has ever been, a person doing extreme things, climbing Mount Everest, diving, bungyjumping, skydiving, going to Moon, walking around the world... with my physical condition that's not going to happen. I doubt I have the mental strength needed either. I rather watch Lara Croft and Modesty Blaise and dream of it.

What would be the alternative to comfort? I have such a need for comfort... a huge, big hole inside of me, yearning for comfort... a soft cocoon to protect me... I would much rather sit by a fireplace in a big, comfy chair and footstool, dressed in flanell nightgown, thick robe, slippers or thick, knitted socks (not itchy kind), with a good book, a cup of hot chocolate and a dog than go clubbing dressed in something very nice and high heels, being beautiful, slim and wild. The mere idea of going clubbing freezes me... So cold. So exposed. So vulnerable, naked, open... asking to be hurt. No. I want my chair, blankie and hot chocolate. And my teddybear.

I don't dare to eat. Food is keeping me from being thin... but why would I want to be thin?

I want to eat carbs. I want to eat pasta with thick, fat sauce, spicy and salty, and a nice, white bread with a lots of butter on. I want danish pastries and butter croissants and cinnamon buns. Washed down with cold milk or hot, strong tea with milk.
But that's what got me into this "fat suit" in the first place...

The truth is that food doesn't taste as good anymore.