Friday, September 14, 2012

How to get over rejection and broken heart?

I am having really difficult time with dealing with rejection and broken heart. He did it in a very ugly way.  Very, very ugly way...
I mean... in a high school, you have a crush on someone, who's been really nice, but immediately when you confess your crush to someone, that someone starts ignoring you... but you know he's been talking about you with his friends... You know the feeling? Happens all the time. In high school...
My "crush" did this.

We are not in high school.We were in high school more than 20 years ago. Not even HIS KIDS are in high school anymore.

Ugly Girl Problems... a blog for "every ugly girl out there".
And, yes, it hurts, because this is exactly how it feels.

That *I* am so disgusting he cannot even behave like the adult he is, all the veneer of age, experience, understanding, maturity, is just washed away and he reacts like the human animal we all are... I'm so disgusting.
I'm so disgusting I'll never get a guy, and I'll die alone.

The sick thing with this is that there's another aspect to the whole thing - I'm married.
I'm happily married.
I'm married and madly, deeply, truly in love with my husband.
I think my husband is the best guy in the universe, and I'm really lucky to have him in my life.
And he loves me.
Our marriage is of the kind people dream about.
I love you, I love you, I love you, Henric :-)
Thank you for picking this ugly mutt, because you think she's adorable,
and thank you for thinking she's adorable :-)
Ugly mutts need love too :-)

So - what am I complaining about? I don't even NEED this other guy. I don't really even WANT him.
So - I'm ashamed of having a crush on him, and ashamed for feeling heart-broken and rejected... because I don't have any real reason to feel this way. So - not only am I heart-broken, I'm ungrateful too. A nasty person... I don't deserve my wonderful husband.
So... is God going to punish me for being ungrateful and take away my husband? That's what I deserve.

But the feeling is there. If I'm so disgusting this adult man acts like a teen-aged brat when I say I like him, what chances do I have to ever...
I believe everyone, except my husband and my family, is lying about liking me. I'm convinced the whole world looks at me and sees this disgusting person.

So, when they say the best way to get over a broken heart is to have a life again, to socialize, to get new friends, to enjoy the company of the old friends, to go out and do things with people...

Oh, God, I can't!
Every time I am to go out, to walk the dog, to go to town and swim, to go and take a walk in the forest... It feels like I have a walking band and neon light signs around me, screaming at everyone "here she is, the troll who is so stupid she thought she is a human being". Who had the nerve to assume she could have romantic feelings to a human being. Ridiculous, pitiful, disgusting... Disgusting, repulsive, ugly, horrible, nasty...

I can't, I can't, I can't...
I don't want to be disgusting and ugly.

My husband doesn't think I am, so I want to stay inside with him the rest of his life... and may God have mercy on me and let him live long and stay healthy.

But I also want to have a life. I don't want to feel unworthy, disgusting and impossible to be loved. I don't want to cry every day, I don't want to think about him and miss him, and be reminded of him. I want to get over him, forget him, give him the exact amount of time, effort, thoughts and feelings he deserves, which is nothing at all. I want to forgive him, stop being sad and bitter, and have a happy life.
I don't think I can, I don't think I'm worth it, but... I want to be.
And that is what matters, they say.

They say that it's ok to feel all these feelings when one is heart-broken. That it's normal. That I have to accept that I have a broken heart and that it hurts. And that's proof of that I am a human, that I have a heart, a good heart, capable of feeling, that I am a loving human being, and that I am alive.
All that is good. All that is wonderful. None of that is a sign of a "worthless, disgusting, nasty troll". On the contrary.

Then I need to forgive the guy.
I need to understand that I don't have the whole picture of what really happened. It doesn't need to be personal. It doesn't need to mean I have done something wrong, or there's anything wrong with me. It probably doesn't. Most likely it doesn't.
I understand... in a way... The situation was such that it wasn't quite appropriate for him to treat the crush as such, and he followed the protocol and did what he was supposed to do. He handled the situation correctly, by the book. But I'm not a book page. I'm not piece of paper. They are not counting in the human factor.  There should be room for considering people as the emotional, sensitive beings we are, and not just follow the book, but... it wouldn't have taken too much for him to reject me nicely and kindly, and that would have been enough to save me from all this.
Now I feel like *I* am not worth the kindness.

Maya Angelou said:  
"We do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better"
He did the best he could with what he knew. It's not his fault that he couldn't do better. It's not my fault that he couldn't do better. It doesn't say anything about my worth, it's all about his best... and no-one can demand more than one's best from one. One cannot give more than one's best. He did his best, he did what he knew how to, and it's not his fault, nor mine, that his best wasn't good for me.

So - it would have taken too much for him to reject me nicely and kindly. He couldn't give me that, for different reasons, which I can't think of. And it doesn't need to involve me.
And, sure, one can think it is weak, but - which of us human beings isn't weak? One way or another, we all are. That's part of being human.
So - he's a human being. What's bad with that? Nothing.

But this is what I have. This is what I don't want to have. So I need to stop repeating it over and over again, and let go. I won't ever get an apology. I won't ever get an explanation. I won't ever find out why he made the decision he made and why he didn't correct the error when I pointed out an error had been made.
And, God, how it hurts...
I can't understand how my desperate pleading didn't change anything. How could they just ignore my obvious pain? Why couldn't they just simply tell me they have compassion... oh, the fake smiles and chilly politeness, the air of partly being afraid of me, and partly despising me... and total incomprehension... as if I was a zoo animal, a freak show specimen...

One of them said "I think you are so interesting!" after I had been speaking half an hour about how I feel and think about what happened, that I would probably have killed myself had I not had my husband, with shaking voice and hands, tears in my eyes... not one of them said "I'm so sorry you feel that way". Not one of them has in any way acknowledged my pain, confusion, fear and despair associated with what happened... And that... that is the hardest part to bear. Because it makes my feelings irrelevant. And that makes me feel like my feelings are... imagined, faked, shown for manipulation purposes, that I'm a drama queen, attention seeker, trying to get something I have no right to...
But... isn't compassion a human right? If I am able to show compassion to my fellow human beings, why can't they show compassion to me?
My husband has taught me that being open and honest and speaking about my feelings and how I see the situation, avoiding "you-message" - that is, saying "this happened and it makes me think, feel, believe..." in stead of "you did this, you made me feel...", will get me the compassion I desire, and it's just not working in this case, and I don't understand why.
Uh. They are doing their best, I'm doing mine, and some time it just doesn't work.
Get over it, let it go, stop beating the dead horse. THIS.HORSE.IS.DEAD.

There are a couple of things they say will help with overcoming a broken heart.

"Withdrawal is part of our flight or fight response. Choose to fight."

The feeling of wanting to disappear from the face of earth, never wanting - or daring - to see another human being again, and absolutely not interact with other human beings, is normal. It's "flight" part of the "flight or fight response".
I need to go out and be with people. Get into fight again. Learn to trust in humanity again. No, I'm not after finding a guy, I already have one, but I need to get over my "I'm so disgusting, people hate me" complex.
"Simply show them they are not as indispensable as they think. They can be replaced. With someone kinder, more mature, better looking, more fun, more exciting. The feelings of humiliation you're experiencing, the 'please don't bump into me, where can I hide, can I switch towns and change my name' has been experienced by some of the most beautiful women in the world. There's not something particularly wrong with you, there's just something wrong with the choice you made. You wanted pizza and went to an ice cream store... ...Circulate, socialize, network. Hang out with friends in places that are busy with communication. Give decent guys approaching opportunity, even if its a five second conversation. You are trying not to lose your faith in humanity."
"...put the pain behind you and move forward with your life and love. Otherwise, you are giving away your power to the people who hurt you."
"The first tip to overcome the emptiness is to identify the triggers (times, places, and things) that cause you the most pain... and ...have a pre-planned adjustment to counteract each trigger."
- Amelie Chance
* Seeing someone in the same situation getting what I expected to get, what I wanted to get and what I didn't get.
* Going to places where I could see or meet him.
* Seeing or hearing anything about things that made him different from other people I know. Like his birth place, or hair color. Or specific hobbies and preferences.

It's hard to associate these things with something else, but I suppose I have to, because I can't avoid those places or subjects. 
"One of the best things you can do is to develop new habits and routines to re-establish yourself as an individual without your ex. Missing someone is like a craving, so it's important to avoid triggers – like going to the same pub or continuing old habits that you used to share."

"...the relationship you need to rescue is the one with yourself" 

"Blare some of your favorite, feel-good tunes: 
Listening to them can trigger the release of endorphins, 
lifting your spirits and combating stress."

"Turn your attention to the future, whether it be setting new goals or trying new activities. Focus on yourself by using the opportunity to stay busy. For example, if you feel your lack of skill in a second language cost you a job, use the rejection as motivation to enhance your proficiency in a new language."

I suppose I need to start believing that he made me a favor by rejecting me. He saved me from his company. In that case, it is true when they say "there's plenty of fish in the sea". There is no "mr. Right". I'm not saying he's a bad guy, or worthless piece of crap, not at all. I'm sure he could have been a good friend, and a nice husband and all that. But there are others out there. Sure, he's unique, but not irreplaceable. I found him, I'll found others who are just as good. Or better.
*sigh* Find your tribe...

But - "if you feel your lack of skill in a second language cost you a job..."
I believe my lack of beauty and physical appeal costs me... lovers, friends, network, social life... but that's my BDD speaking. I wouldn't want people to be my friends because they think I'm pretty. This way at least I'll know who my true friends are... and they are there. My husband, for example, loves me and sees me as beautiful, even if the rest of the world thinks I'm hideous. And I consider my internet-friends to be real friends.
Nevertheless... I COULD work on making me as beautiful as I can be... to remove that excuse, at least. On the other hand... I have BDD. And because the world treats me the way it does, because that's what world does, not because of anything I am or do, I would take the fact that nothing changes even when I try to be as pretty and appealing as I can, as proof of that I'm a repulsive troll. And the more I put effort into something, the more important it becomes, and... I don't want to give my BDD any more fuel.
But... *sigh*
Nah. There is nothing wrong in taking care of oneself, and getting fit and... not pretty, but find my own style. This blog is all about that, and I really need to stop waiting for Gogol and start giving me what I really want, start being me. Not getting thin and fit because someone might like me more that way, but because I want to.
Because those people who don't like me when I'm at my worst, don't deserve me when I'm at my best.

And there's that... "make them regret they ever rejected you."

"Focusing on rejection can lead to negative thoughts and anxiety. Realize that you could just as easily focus on all of the positive things in your life, and your positive qualities." 

"When you use catastrophic terms like "nightmare," "terrible," and "horrible," you're bound to spend time dwelling on the negative."  

"Don't try to come up with reasons on why it happened and how to prevent it from happening again. Allow yourself to feel heartbreak—that's what actually gets us over it."

"Meditation is a great way to quiet the mind and help deal with the tendency to beat yourself up for things going wrong, says Piver, a practicing Buddhist. Another approach when negative thoughts are running endlessly through your mind is to get up and do something else."

How to get over the humiliation of being rejected
8 steps to mend a broken heart
heal my broken heart
Getting over a broken heart
How to get over a guy who humiliates you

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