Friday, December 16, 2011

I'm obsessing...

One of my biggest problems is that I rather live in my fantasies than in reality. No need to deal with the nasty and complicated human relationships stuff. In real life someone always gets hurt, misunderstands, expects too much or different things, isn't ready to go along, have their own ideas, thoughts, wants, wishes, desires, needs... messy stuff.

So, in my real life I'm married to this lovely guy. Well, being a human being, he has his vices, weaknesses, problems and what-nots, but I'm okay with them. I'm not perfect either, and if he can live with my problems, the least I can do is to live with his, neh? Nevertheless, it's life, so it's not perfect and it's not pretty and it's not a fantasy where you are in control of everything that happens.

So - in my fantasies... I don't fantasize about my husband. He's part of my life, and as I have no wish to change that, I don't do that in my fantasies either, just as little as I change my parents or siblings or me... (Funny, actually... I suppose that means I'm pretty okay with who and what I am. I have never fantasized about being black, having blue eyes, looking different from what I do - it's all about things I could change if I worked a little, like being slender, fit and agile. I like that.) But I fantasize about a world different from the one I live in now, so I'm married to someone else. The idea of this "someone else" is based on a real life person. So far so good. Nothing wrong with any of this.

But - the problem arises, when I confuse the fantasy man with the real life person. And I do... so I'm at the verge of stalking some innocent, unsuspecting man out there because I happen to like him... or the little I know about him. Simply because "he" "told" me "he" is obsessed of me... (in the fantasy, that is. Not in the real life.)

And at the same time, not really. I wouldn't know what to do if the object of my fantasies actually appeared by my door and told me that he can't stop thinking about me and the smell of my hair (how he would know anything about that is beyond me, but - what ever.) or something, and that he just must have me or he'll die. I would probably glare at him and close the door to his face. Poor guy.

But... what if I was not married? I have been googling the objects of my fantasies, I have been violently jealous to their current girlfriend, spouse, SO, considering witchcraft, looking up their address and phone number... what would it take to take the next step and really become a female stalker?

Uh. Thank God I'm married! :-D

Someone said:
"This person represents to me the Unclaimed parts of myself that are deeply soulful, musical, whimsical, romantic. What I feel for him is just a PROJECTION of what my soul is telling me I really need for myself. So I will develop that part of myself, that this person has brought to my attention (that which I need to develop in MY OWN LIFE) and not have it met by someone, who would not be good for me in the long run. So I see him as somewhat of a Messenger... a message from the soul that there are parts of me yet unfulfilled that I need to do for myself. So I can thank him (and the Universe) for this valuable message."

So - what is that I need for myself? What is the projection?

My husband has ADHD and Aspergers. I love him being "deeply soulful, musical, whimsical, romantic", I love his intelligence, inspirational, innovative mind... I love his sanguine, vibrant boyishness. We have so much fun together. And he's loving and affectionate, and I love that. He does me small services, takes so well care of me when I need help, is compassionate and caring... I fell in love with my husband because he reminds me so much of my father, but... I am not blind to my dad's faults, and unfortunately my husbands shares them too. One thing I don't have much in my life is stability.
The other guy is steady, calm and kind... I feel the urge to just cling to him and suck the stability through all the pores of my skin... enjoy it as if it was sunlight.

I don't want to be responsible of putting in some stability to my life... I want someone else to do it. To know that I made the choice when I chose my husband makes me desperate... and I look at this other guy and wish someone had asked me to really think about all things like that, that someone had discussed with me about psychological patterns and how we choose to continue the dance we are familiar with even though it might not be good for us, and that I can choose something else, and I should really be experimenting more and not just follow my heart which is really a fickle thing... and I start thinking arranged marriages are really not a bad idea.

At the same time, this is just a marriage. I can divorce my husband. I can "get out" of this situation. I can go and start looking for a guy who is like this other guy... So what's stopping me?

Complex issue.
a) I'm used to this, and I don't like changes
b) I'm afraid that life wouldn't work as easily as it does in my fantasies - what says I'll ever find a rock of a guy who'll want me?
c) my husband is a good guy who has never done anything do deserve to be left just because he cannot fulfill all my needs. No-one could.
d) my sense of duty is really strong. I promised in front of God to love and honor my husband and stay with him till God us apart, and damn me if I'll ever going to break that promise.
e) the most important reason is that I love my husband and he loves me. Thinking of him still makes me smile sheepishly, I'm still proud of saying I'm his wife, and presenting him as my husband... I still run to him, think of him when ever something romantic happens, it's him I think first when I need to tell something to someone... He's my best friend and absolutely amazing... I could sing his praises to kingdom come... I would be idiot and insane to leave him, and I'm neither :-D

But, ah, the stability...

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The effects of pain...

Now, I have fibromyalgia. It means that I'm in pain almost constantly, and some times more than others. Now is "more than" time.

I have been saying that this is "just pain", just my brain misinterpreting the signals, not a sign of that I'm losing the ability to use my hands or so. So, basically nothing to bother about.
Then I remembered the "side effects" of pain...

- I can't function when in pain.  This will cause all kinds of things, like stress for work undone, feeling of being worthless, useless, a burden, feelings of jealousy and envy towards people who still can function "normally", anger, helplessness, loss of control, the feeling of being vulnerable and exposed...  and this will cause enorm stress on relationships. People can feel distance from their friends, loved ones and relatives, deliberately isolate themselves, become hostile. Also, the balance changes. I am forced to take, accept, receive more than I can give, I'm forced into a dept of gratitude with no means to pay it back.

- of course pain will make me tired, AND it will make it harder for me to sleep... so I will be suffering from all the effects of sleep deprivation
"This chronic sleep deprivation results in daytime sleepiness, slow reflexes, poor concentration, and an increased risk of accidents. Sleep apnea can also lead to serious health problems over time, including diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, and weight gain."

"...depression, irritability, sexual dysfunction and learning and memory problems..."

"...worsening of ADHD or symptoms similar to ADHD; hypertension"
(ADHD is a problem with inattentiveness, over-activity, impulsivity, or a combination.)
- pain makes me tense - and having tense neck and shoulders give me headache... which makes me tense more.

- pain CAUSES anxiety/panic disorders and depression/affective disorders, which cause more pain... an evil circle...

- people with pain try to self-medicate - I use sugar and comfort food - so I get fatter the more pain I have, and I have more pain the fatter I am...

-also, people with pain gain weight because they are unable to adapt their lifestyle to the new existence with pain - they eat what they are used to eat but exercise less.

- "Conversion disorders"

Conversion disorder (formerly known as "hysteria") is a condition in which patients present with neurological symptoms such as numbness, blindness, paralysis, or fits without a neurological cause. The term "conversion" has its origins in Freud's doctrine that anxiety is "converted" into physical symptoms.

(Women considered to be suffering from hysteria exhibited a wide array of symptoms including faintness, nervousness, insomnia, fluid retention, heaviness in abdomen, muscle spasm, shortness of breath, irritability, loss of appetite for food or sex, and "a tendency to cause trouble")

- Somatization is currently defined as "a tendency to experience and communicate somatic distress in response to psychosocial stress and to seek medical help for it".

- schizophrenic / bipolar / DID  behavior
Schizophrenia is a complex mental disorder that makes it difficult to:
- Tell the difference between real and unreal experiences
- Think logically
- Have normal emotional responses,
- Behave normally in social situations

Bipolar disorder is a condition in which people go back and forth between periods of a very good or irritable mood and depression. The "mood swings" between mania and depression can be very quick.

The manic phase may last from days to months. It can include the following symptoms:
- Easily distracted
- Little need for sleep
- Poor judgment
- Poor temper control
- Reckless behavior and lack of self control (Binge eating, drinking, and/or drug use; Poor judgment; Sex with many partners (promiscuity); Spending sprees)
- Very elevated mood (Excess activity (hyperactivity); Increased energy; Racing thoughts; Talking a lot; Very high self-esteem (false beliefs about self or abilities); Very involved in activities; Very upset (agitated or irritated))

The depressed phase includes the following symptoms:
- Daily low mood or sadness
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
- Eating problems (Loss of appetite and weight loss; Overeating and weight gain)
- Fatigue or lack of energy
- Feeling worthless, hopeless, or guilty
- Loss of pleasure in activities once enjoyed
- Loss of self-esteem
- Thoughts of death and suicide
- Trouble getting to sleep or sleeping too much
- Pulling away from friends or activities that were once enjoyed

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) (multiple personality disorder) describes a condition in which a person displays multiple distinct identities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment.

Symptoms can include:
- Multiple mannerisms, attitudes and beliefs which are not similar to each other
- Unexplainable headaches and other body pains
- Distortion or loss of subjective time ( a long time)
- Depersonalization (a feeling of watching oneself act, while having no control over a situation.)
- Derealization (an alteration in the perception or experience of the external world so that it seems unreal. Other symptoms include feeling as though one's environment is lacking in spontaneity, emotional coloring and depth.)
- Severe memory loss
- Depression
- Flashbacks of abuse/trauma
- Sudden anger without a justified cause
- Frequent panic/anxiety attacks
- Unexplainable phobias

Patients may experience an extremely broad array of other symptoms such as pseudoseizures that may appear to resemble epilepsy, schizophrenia, anxiety disorders, mood disorders, post traumatic stress disorder, personality disorders, and eating disorders.
- sexual dysfunctions and problems... not only because of the pain itself, bad self-confidence and social problems. No-one told me "that vulvar vestibulitis/vulvodynia is clearly associated with fibromyalgia".

- changes in personality, mood, appearance, self-image and -worth
  - pain haze - "zombie shut down mode" - all the functions except the basic survival ones are shut down.
  - one becomes more aggressive, irritable, impatient, hostile
  - one becomes uninterested, unable to focus on anything but pain, sad, hopeless, apathic, unable to enjoy of anything, or find anything beautiful or fun, one becomes fearful and suspicious, even paranoid; introverted, isolated
  - one becomes tense, stressed, worried
  - one is not only defined by what one thinks of oneself, but what others think of one... so when I'm getting irritable, depressed and tired of pain, people start avoiding me because I'm irritable, depressed and tired, not fun to be with, and then I start defining me as irritable, depressed and tired, and focus on being all that...
"The researchers found that there was a decrease in gray matter volume in the prefrontal cortex, the amygdala, and the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) of fibromyalgia patients."

The prefrontal cortex ... has been implicated in planning complex cognitive behaviors, personality expression, decision making and moderating correct social behavior. The basic activity of this brain region is considered to be orchestration of thoughts and actions in accordance with internal goals. The most typical psychological term for functions carried out by the prefrontal cortex area is executive function. Executive function relates to abilities to differentiate among conflicting thoughts, determine good and bad, better and best, same and different, future consequences of current activities, working toward a defined goal, prediction of outcomes, expectation based on actions, and social "control" (the ability to suppress urges that, if not suppressed, could lead to socially unacceptable outcomes).

The amygdalae ... perform a primary role in the processing and memory of emotional reactions...

The anterior cingulate cortex... ...appears to play a role in a wide variety of autonomic functions, such as regulating blood pressure and heart rate, as well as rational cognitive functions, such as reward anticipation, decision-making, empathy and emotion.
- pain makes you more sensitive to pain, not the other way around: the more pain you experience, the more pain you will experience...


I recognize myself in much of what Nikki Albert says in "Chronic Pain: Personality".

I'm finding it very hard to cope with having fibromyalgia, even though it becomes more and more obvious that I have it. (Yes, even after the diagnosis by an expert I have my doubts... I suppose I don't want it. I want to think it's all in my head, just a fragment of my imagination, just hypochondriac attention seeking or something. Not real.)

Sunday, September 18, 2011

The question is...

WHY do I want to be skinny?
I want to be beautiful, and I have got the idea that one can be beautiful only when one is skinny... But then I read Dances with fat, and Fat Heffalump and The Fat Chick... and I'm getting suspicious... perhaps that's not true...

I have pain, not because I'm fat, but because I have been bullied and stressed my whole life, because I have Asperger's. I'd still have Asperger's and Fibromyalgia, even if I was skinny.
My sleep apnea will be taken care of by the sleeping mask.
If I'd take care of my asthma, with the medicine I have, that wouldn't be bothering me much either...
I can get fit and agile even being fat. So... I think it might be better to start looking at this matter from the opposite point of view... what is it, exactly I want to do, and then do it... If I lose weight in the process, fine, but if I don't, that's fine too. I'm beautiful as I am.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

I really want to be skinny...

or do I? Wouldn't I be, if I really wanted to?

 Now, Kate Moss is credited for saying "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"...
Now... how would she know? She's a super model. She has been that her whole adult life. She started as a teenager. She was grown up in supermodel world, where nothing mattered but skinny, and not-skinny was the worst thing you could be... I mean... they have kicked girls out from the business for developing breasts and booty! (Yes, Tyra Banks. In fact EVERY WOMAN IN VICTORIA'S SECRET SHOW IS TOO "FAT" TO BE A MODEL...)
Then - I'm sorry, but she was a drug addict when she said that. Someone said "nothing tastes good with cocaine".She has also been a smoker for quite a long time. Nothing does taste good with tobacco.
She says she prefers Japanese cuisine and tries to eat organic... and a couple of years ago there was even talk of her writing a cookbook. (Yeah - the whole world laughed at that.)

Also... Now I cannot say if anything tastes as good as skinny feels like, because I can't remember what it feels like to be skinny. I do know someone who does... Sophie Dahl. She has been skinny. She has been fat. (Well... not really.) And she loves food.

But - I have to say that I find that inspiring. "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". I would like to know for myself. But...

And you can wonder if those 8 do either...

Why would I need to be something I cannot be?

And wasn't she beautiful? One of the most beautiful women in the existence of this planet. And she was not skinny... not fat either, but not skinny.

Friday, September 16, 2011

10 little things to do

10 things to do everyday to stay organized

It works with everything here in life, as well with losing weight as embracing your talents and gaining other goals in life.

1) Write a list about everything you need to do. Put it on the list and then forget it. When you get time, do the things on the list. That will firstly release your mind to mind about other things, and secondly, make the things manageable, and it will also make you see what you have done. You really should focus on what you do and have already done, not what you SHOULD do.

Try to find time to do at least one thing on the list every day.

2) have a calendar, one spot where you note all the dates and such; not only doctor's appointments, but such things as holidays and birthdays. If you have marked at least a week ahead that someone's having a birthday, you'll remember to send the card and be happier about it - if that's important to you. It is important to me.

Write down also such things as time to return the library books, if you need to bake something for a certain date/event - write also down, that you need to go and buy all the ingredients and all that.

3) It is important to decide at least a day ahead what you are going to eat the next day, for a couple of reasons.
- you won't overeat and follow your impulses, which means you'll get a better control of your eating and weight
- as you prepare for the meals beforehand, you'll be able to control your shopping, and thus your economy better, you will be prepared with all the ingredients and such
- you could make your own "frozen dinners" and such, so when you don't feel like cooking, you can go and check the freezer.
- you won't waste time and energy in thinking about what you'd eat, what to buy, what you need etc. You already thought it out.

So - what is needed of you is that a) you do this and b) you stick to it. If you get cravings, write it on a list. You are going to have to deal with an inner child and an inner teenager. The way to deal with them is the way you'd deal with real kids. Give them a vote, give them a day when they may eat anything they want.

4) Also a good advice - if your home is untidy, it's because the things are in wrong places. Keep putting them back in right places, and it won't be untidy :-D

5) - and what if you don't have kids?

6-7) declutter... Uh. Use it or lose it.

Adding five things in the box EVERY DAY means you'll have no things. Now, it might be what the declutterer dictators want, but is it what you want? Most people have things because they need them and because they mean something to them. It is not a bad thing to have beautiful things around you. Sure, it makes it harder to keep clean, but - that's the price to pay for pretty things.
Of course I would be a rich woman if I had no things, because I would have been able to save several thousand cronas every month. I would be able to do all kinds of things with that money. Travel, experience, learn. But... I do appreciate the things more than the experiences and knowledge and such... otherwise I wouldn't have bought them. I like traveling in my imagination, safe in my home, filled with stuff. When I'm starting to appreciate the "inner riches" more than the "outer riches", I'll start decluttering and saving and experiencing. Before that it's futile to shame me to declutter.

8) Yes, a box for things to be recycled, donated, returned and things a friend might appreciate. Have a box for gifts and such too. Mathoms, as Tolkien called them. ;-)

9. 10 minute tidy before bed, 10 minute tidy after breakfast. It will make a whole lot of a difference.

10) Attitude check is always in place :-) Be good to yourself and remember to do only things YOU want done, for YOU.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

52 weeks organizing

At Organizing Junkie there's a 52 weeks organizing event going on.

Now... I don't mind organizing, per se, but the idea of that you MUST organize, clean, keep it tidy, declutter and simplify your life and get rid of all your stuff because of this and that... and I don't want to get rid of my stuff. I like living in a library. I like having all kinds of pretty, fascinating and exotic things around me. I love my cozy, shabby, ecclectic and bohemian home. Cozy, shabby, ecclectic and bohemian homes are not decluttered, minimalistic and tidy. They are messy, shabby and cluttered.

Yes, it's not easy to clean that, and it's not easy to find anything there, unless it's your pile of stuff. Then you know exactly where everything is.

But - I have to say I prefer clean kitchen. I prefer clean home. I prefer my lovely china clean. So - I suppose SOME organizing and cleaning isn't a bad thing ;-)

I also like the advice given at "where to start when you're totally disorganized". I'm not totally disorganized, I just need to learn to clean. But the advice works there too :-D

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

You HAVE 4 minutes! Up and go! NOW!

Rest later. 

You don't know what these things are? Okay:

squat thrust
mountain climbers
high knees
jumping jacks

Four exercises. Not rocket science. Now you know them. GO!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I deserve better

I read a blog entry by a woman trying to lose some weight. She's 71 kilos right now. What would I not give to be that slim again?

When I broke the 90 kilos line, I was shocked. I cried, I swore I'll never weigh that much again, I'll take off the pounds and weigh under 90 again, even if it killed me.
Then I broke the 100 kilos line... I was shocked. I cried. I swore, I made promises, I took long walks and ate nothing for a couple of days.
Then I broke the 105 kilos line. The same thing happened.  
Now I'm 108.

The best way to lose weight has been so far not losing weight but changing lifestyle. When you live like a skinny person, you are a skinny person. To me it's not eating white flour or sugar, and not adding any fat to my food. Fried food is okay, sandwiches not. My worst desire is bread and pasta, and that is something I shouldn't be eating. At least, not that often.
Also, I need to walk a lot daily. I like walking, in the beautiful nature around us. I like exercise and activity. I like sports. Nevertheless, when it comes to choosing, I choose to sit by the computer or television and do "nothing"... I choose to write, I choose to read, I choose to craft...

So - what would I not give to be that slim again? I would not give up baked sugary goods, pasta, bread and butter... I would not give up one hour from my sitting time. I would not bother to shop and prepare for a good meals... That's it. It's not "sacrifice your firstborn" or "cut off your left arm" kind of things we fat people are being asked to stop being fat and start being slim. It's all very sensible and even enjoyable things! Exercvise releases "feel good" hormones. The nature is always beautiful. Always. How enjoyable it is to move, when you move with ease, and that means being fit, and that means, exercising... The more one moves, the easier it becomes to move. Wouldn't that be nice? And, actually, I would eat BETTER if I ate "the slim way". More veggies, less starch, more colors on the plate... I would eat less and my tummy would feel better.
Right now I'm sitting here with heartburn, because yesterday - yes, yesterday, some 10-12 hours ago, I ate a big bowl of pasta with a couple of heavily buttered slices of bread... So THIS feeling is something I'M NOT READY TO GIVE UP! I "deserve" to eat pasta and heavily buttered bread... I mean... Deserve? I deserve to be fat and have heartburn?
Ah... That's the point, isn't it... really.

I am ashamed to be this fat. I feel bad for myself, because I have to "give up" "the last" luxuries and enjoyable things, I have to "sacrifice" the sweets and other delicious things, I may not do this or eat that, I have to "torture" myself, I have to "deprive" myself, I have to whip myself and do things I don't want to do... I pity myself, and then I want to eat more comfort food. And then, as the weight goes up and not down, I'll be in shock and I'll cry and feel really, really bad about myself.

The truth is that I'm not ready to give up "anything" to weigh less than 80 kilos again. If I could give my soul or something else impossible - that is, nothing - I would. In a heartbeat. I want a miracle. I want to be able to eat as I do now, and do what I do right now, but be like a person who eats well and does a lot. For free. Anything else is "unfair"... ???

And as I am not ready to give up anything to weigh less than 80 kilos, I will not weigh less than 80 kilos.

I know this, I know all this so well... but for some reason, when one sits there and starts lusting for something good to eat, the choice isn't that obvious... "I've been so good the last days, I DESERVE!" "I need to REWAD myself for being such a good girl!"
The truth is that I DESERVE a body that works, does what I ask of it.
I DESERVE to sleep my nights well and wake up rested and happy. Right now I have sleep apnea.
I DESERVE to be as beautiful and slender and be able to wear pretty clothes that look good on me.
I DESERVE to be able to keep up with any group of people doing things, from clubbing to walking to sightseeing to anything.
I DESERVE to be able to breathe easily. Last night I couldn't breathe... I woke up, changed position, and still couldn't breathe. I was getting a bit panicky. Overweight is not good for your asthma...
I DESERVE to take dance classes and get active with all kinds of sports.
I DESERVE to start martial arts, parkour and rock climbing.
I DESERVE rewards that don't hurt me.
I DESERVE real friends, not imaginary friendship of inanimate objects like food.

I deserve to be loved, not hated - by myself.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

About actor/singers

This blog isn't all about losing weight. It's also about "becoming whole", and that is about embracing my unique combination of talents. I'm multitalented, renaissance woman, which I have expressed several times. Most people are, to my understanding. Especially artistic talents wander usually hand in hand. If you are good at one of the nine art forms, you are bound to be good at some other. Surprisingly many writers can draw to save their lives, and painters write interesting diaries, if nothing else. Actors are usually also good singers and dancers, and vice versa. Of course, there are actors who couldn't hold a tone to save their lives, and with two left feet, but quite a many can do all of this, and do it well.

I saw "Listed; 10 best and worst actors/singers" list on Star and I'm not happy. Of course, the list was four years old, and it was apparently people who voted online who "decided" who was good or bad, and I can imagine they had some sort of preliminary list there.

This list named Madonna as the worst, and Cher as the best.
Someone said Elvis was the first actor/singer... oh. Well, who cares about people like Judy Garland, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Bing Crosby, Doris Day, Shirley MacLaine... no-one watches musicals anyway, and those people... no-one even knows who they are. At least, I suppose most of the people voting wouldn't have a clue.

I am not happy about the idea of people's subjective opinion judging people as "good" or "bad" at something, when you really cannot say if someone is a good or bad actor by one movie, and a lot of this is based on the general opinion and peer pressure, and not one's own genuine judgment on the person's ability.
Take Britney Spears, for example. A lot of people saying she can't act haven't even seen her movie, and a lot of the people who did see the movie, had already decided they wouldn't like her acting any way.
It's like with Cindy Crawford. I think she was okay in Fair Game, and the movie wasn't as bad as the critics claim. I truly think it's envy or something, people think Britney, Cindy, and other people like they, should stay in "her place" and not even try to become something else, or more, than we think she is.

Elvis was named among the 10 best singer/actors. I don't think Elvis could act very well. He sure could sing, but acting... What ever is the truth, I find his movies terribly boring, and haven't been able to watch many of them from beginning to end. At least I saw the Crossroads. :-D

I think Madonna does a great job in The Next Best Thing. I like the movie. Well... that too received a horrible critique and Madonna was nominated for Razzies for that performance.
Well... I must have a really bad taste in movies, because I think Godfather is one of the most boring, frustrating, stupid movies ever made. I fought my way through the trilogy as well. I basically only liked Robert de Niro's part.

Mariah Carey isn't a bad actress either. I suppose she needed to leave the image behind for people to be able to see her. >:->
It doesn't make Glitter a good movie, though. :-D

Also, I'm not sure I think Courtney Love can sing... but she was on the top 10 list, while Billy Bob Thornton, who isn't that bad a singer, was on the bottom 10 list. Might be that Courtney Love's music is better than Billy Bob's, but that doesn't say anything about their ability to sing. (I don't think either would have succeeded especially well in Idols or some other such show.)

So - some actor/singers 
Whether they do a good job or not I leave to everyone's personal taste.

Will Smith


Gwyneth Paltrow


Jennifer Lopez

Patrick Swayze

Robert Downey Jr.

Kevin Bacon

Jon Bon Jovi

Barbra Streisand

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Jeff Bridges

Mark Wahlberg
(He was voted by the viewers in the top 10 singer/actors... 
I don't know if he's deliberately singing badly or not in this, but it's awful.)

Billy Bob Thornton

Ice Cube

Jessica Simpson

Vanessa Williams

Britney Spears
I'm going to hop over people like 
Selena Gomez, Miley Cyrus, Vanessa Hudgens, Asley Tisdale, Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan etc. 
Not because they don't matter, but because there are so many young, pretty, talented girls out there.

Mariah Carey

Hugh Jackman

Justin Timberlake

Bruce Willis

Jared Leto

Gary Sinise


Glenn Close

John Travolta (with Miley Cyrus)

Christopher Lee

Richard Harris (the first Dumbledore)

Roger Daltrey

Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman

Anne Hathaway

Julie Andrews

And the list goes on and on and on...
Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon do a good job in Walk The Line
The cast of Chicago are okay - Renee Zellweger, Catherine Zeta Jones and Queen Latifah,
both in acting and singing.
Liza Minnelli comes to mind. She could also both sing and act, like her mother.
I love Marilyn Monroe's voice and singing style.
Both Kylie Minogue and Natalie Imbruglia started as actors in the Aussi soap Neighbors.
Or think about the Blues Brothers.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Didn't eat much yesterday

I went for a looooong walk, didn't have the condition to take the "normal" 10K, just about 6K, I guess, and dang, I was tired afterwards. I had to force my feet forward.
I only drank some tea with milk and a couple of glasses koldskaal. I'm almost a pound lighter today. I think I'll follow this regime for a little, at least for as long as it "works".

I will also be taking vitamines, even though I know it's not necessarily healthy... I'm just so scared of all the possible deficiencies and effects... It really is sick. I'm afraid all the time!
If I don't eat, my body goes to "starve mode", which means I won't lose any weight, but if I eat ANYTHING, I will get even fatter really quickly. I suppose there is some body reactions, that make you lose weight slower if you are starving, for the survival, but - look at the people in concentration camps and Biafra, and all the other places, where they don't have any food. They do lose weight, and rather rapidly, even. Like, Cast-Away, or the woman who was lost in Gran Canyon for three weeks, ate nothing and lost like 20 kilos or something. Now, I will be drinking and exercising, which should make the muscle and water loss minute, and take the energy to support me from fat. I do hope it works that way.

Then I'm terrified by sacking skin. I try to do exercises for tummy, thighs and arms, but what if it doesn't work and I end up being a skeleton in skin sack? That's not pretty... I'm over 40. I can't count my skin will go back to what it was when I was 15. I cannot afford any cosmetic surgery... besides, what about the scars and risks of operation, and removing that much tissue and... The world is full of scary stories!

At the same time, I'm "hungry" all the time. Not hungry hungry, but I want to eat. I think about food all the time... About spaghetti and bread, freshly baked, steamy and you know the scent of freshly baked goods... A newly baked bun with crisp surface and soft, airy innards, steamy hot, with fresh, cool butter melting... mmmm... doughnuts... mmmm.... bacon pancakes with maple syrup, orange juice, good sausage and hashbrowns, latkes with apple sauce and sour cream, and perhaps a nice, fried piece of chicken to go with it... my mother's meatballs with mashed potatoes and gravy. Chips. French fries. Peanuts. Pearson's Salted Nut Rolls... I could eat those as many as there are. The taste sensation of sweet and salty and chewy and crisp and tender... Ow! Chinese. Chili and chili adobo... Ooh. Some Indian food. Meat with fruits. Perfectly cooked rice with spicy stew of some sort, rich, thick and tasty... I'd even eat hamburgers and pizza, even though those are not my idea of "the best a woman can get". I'd go crazy at a bakery. Croissants. Danish pastries. Finnish lihapasteija. Not lihapiirakka, which is another form of meat pastry in Finland. I want the one made of flaky puff pastry, not the one made with kind of sugarless doughnut pastry, even though those can be really good too. Or pärämäç! Ooh... Obviously my biggest problem is the love of fatty, starchy, salty things, with some flavor too.
Now I am hungry. I think I'll go and see if there's some koldskaal left in the fridge. :-)

The biggest problem isn't hunger, but the urge, desire, lust, want of food that's not good for me. I have the idea of that food is the only affordable luxury for me, I'm not fond of bathing and such. I also comfort eat, and when I'm trying to lose weight, I do feel sorry for myself, and the automatic reaction is to go to kitchen and bake me something to "make me feel better"... I have been doing that for some 30 years now, and I don't want to live with the consequences. I need to learn that food is not a buddy, a comfort nor luxury, but - food. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing else. It's food, nutrition, thing invented to give me some energy, and if I eat more than I use, it get storaged for "a rainy day", so that I will survive when the starvation knocks on the door.

Oh, God, let me stay strong and not eat... but I don't want to get anorexia either. I want to have a healthy relationship to food, eat normally, healthy, balanced and well, but not too much. I want to be able to enjoy everything on the list above. The way it was meant to be enjoyed.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

I'm rather desperate right now...

After the holiday in Finland I weighed 3 kilos more than before. I tried to watch what I'm eating, but... everyone kept saying "it's holiday, you can watch your weight when you get home". The food was very good, and there were all the things I like to eat... I love Finnish pastries. I love Finnish yoghurt and ice cream. I love to bake, especially to an appreciative audience, so there was a lot of that too. We had a Western theme party, so I baked a couple of pies for dessert... there was blueberry pie, cherry pie, lemon meringue pie, pecan pie, custard pie, apple pie... I think that's it. But every pie was really good, and then there was a little of vanilla custard and ice cream to go with the pies. Before that there was some really good chili and barbecue, and... *sigh*
So, I ate, and ate, and ate. I didn't work as much as I usually do in Finland, so I gained weight.

No I'm home, and I'd need to work it out. I weigh 107 kilos. I don't want to eat anything ever again. I don't want to get heavier and heavier. But I know I will eat. If I don't, there will be people around me, telling me "the body goes to starving mode, which means you won't lose weight, and if you ever eat anything, it goes straight to fat reserves!!" I don't want that!

I have tried low carb diets, and even though they work, sort of, I'm not feeling well when I'm in it. I feel awful.
It was good to not eat sugar, white flour or added fat, but... I WEIGH OVER 100 KILOS, ALMOST 110! I'M JUST GETTING FATTER AND FATTER ALL THE TIME!
I felt good when I was eating nothing the whole week and what ever I wanted on one day too.

I don't want to be this heavy.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Acrobatic exercises

I'm aching today. My feet decided to start acrobatic exercises while I was having a shower and it ended with me on my back in the bath tub with sprained fingers and legs. There's a bruise a foot long behind my right knee and my left hand is almost unusable. Nice. I just came home from two week's trip to Finland, and my husband (with ADHD and Asperger's) hadn't done any housework and the home looks like it too... I mean, I don't do much housework, but I at least do the dishes every now and then. But, I can write, so I will be planning my Yule presents and watching MBC :-D

I have been reading Aspects of Asperger's and Unclutterer, and I'm being a bit confused, mourning over all the misunderstandings, misfortunes and abuse I have had to experience due to undiagnosed Asperger's for forty years and all the lost chances, and trying to find ways to not repeat it all over the next 40 years :-)

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Hi, I'm Ket and I'm a messie

"Messies accumulate piles of papers and other objects in their homes, so that the space becomes nearly uninhabitable. This behaviour resembles addiction, and those affected often realize they are behaving irrationally. Objects are kept because they might come in handy some time, or because they are associated with memories which make it impossible to throw them away. Messies are often unable to allow visitors into their homes and as a result become increasingly isolated. Many messies hold on to the illusion of sorting through their piles and creating a well-organized archive."
- ican films: messies

I have problems with keeping my home clean. We have a lot of stuff, but not really places to storage it all.

I don't see myself as a hoarder - or collector - even though my home reminds of the homes presented in "Hoarders". There isn't that much of trash lying around, but there's stuff. I suppose a lot of people would classify some of the stuff as trash, even me, but it's hard to spot what is trash and what is not in the mess.
Yes, it's that messy.
You might say I collect books and "craft material" ("I can do something with this"), but I wouldn't call accumulating these things collecting. You collect things like butterflies or stamps, not "craft material". It's not hoarding either, because I wouldn't care if most of the books and the "craft material" was lost. Now, there are things with a high sentimental value to me. Books I know I want to read over and over... the mere idea of letting go of them gives me anxiety. I don't think that's what they mean with hoarding. (I suppose I AM a book hoarder... *blush*)

Frankly... I don't find this a picture of a cluttered room, but a very cosy and lovely room.
I wonder if it's the antique book shop in Paris, where people can sleep.

Are You A Clutterer Test

1. Do you feel overwhelmed when thinking about your clutter?

2. Have you tried to "clean up" or "organize" yourself repeatedly, with no lasting results?
Yes. It's like loosing weight. I'm yo-yo cleaning.

3. Are you ashamed to have anyone come to your home?
Oh, yes. Cleanliness is close to godliness, and untidy people are lazy. So my home is a proof of that I'm a bad person. Besides, people find messy homes nasty and don't want to come.

4. Do you feel more confused in your home than in the outside world?
No. I'm an Aspie. This is my mess, outside the home it's just as messy, but it's someone else's mess, and extremely much bigger problem, and totally unmanageable by one person. I might be able to keep my home clean, but not the world.

5. Do you find yourself buying more of everything because, "you never know when you will run out?"

6. Do you have multiple copies of books, software, clothing or any other items because you couldn't find what you already owned when you needed it?
No. I'm poor. I can't afford not finding what I need.

7. Has your spouse or partner expressed dismay about the way you live?
Well... yes, but he's a messie too, and in my mind even worse than I am. He is a hoarder.

8. Do you flit from one task to another, feeling like you never get anything done?
Not really... I feel like Sisyphus. I get one corner cleaned and go to clean the next corner, and when that's done, the first corner is messy again. Or, it's the yo-yo cleaning. I clean and clean, and after a week it's clean and I'm dead tired, and after a couple of days it needs to be done again. The work never ends, and my home is never clean.

9. Do you find that you concentrate better in noisy situations?
I don't find much difference. I try not to multitask, but it's not easy.

10. Do you find yourself getting distracted easily?

11. Do you feel like, "What's the use, it will just get messed up again," when you begin to declutter?
As said before. Yes.

12. Do you hold onto broken items because "they might come in handy someday," or "I'm going to fix them someday?"
Some. Also, "it's not that broken, I can still use it" or "I could make something of it".

13. Do you hold onto relationships that do not serve you because, "This is the best I can do?"
Not really.

Do you feel like there will never be enough for you?
Do you believe that you do not deserve any better than what you have?
Not really. Sometimes I think this is my destiny, that my things won't stay nice and whole and clean, that everything will be tainted somehow, because it's mine. I don't dare to get nice things, because they will be damaged anyway. Not because I'm not worth it, because I am, but because things tend to taint near me. It's better we have an armchair rescued from trashes than go and buy something expensive (yes, new armchairs from stores are expensive in our budget) just to see it get destroyed in a matter of months. Nothing lasts for years in this household, so it's no use spending money on good things.

15. Do you feel more "lack" than prosperity in your life?
I feel "I can't afford..." I consider myself quite rich in the life area... I'm loved, I'm relatively healthy, I'm talented and blessed... that there is not that much things and money and stuff isn't really important.

16. Do you find it hard to decide what is worth keeping and what is not?
Not really.

17. Do you obsess about saving food? Do you have enough canned goods to feed the neighborhood?

18. Do you save garbage -- fast food boxes and wrappers, obvious trash, things that smell bad etc?

Yes, I'm a clutterer.
I don't have ADHD, but my husband does.
I don't have OCD.
I'm not a hoarder.
I am also - actually - a pretty good organizer. I'm an Aspie. But I can't afford all the fancy organizing solutions. I wish I could, but I can't. An organizer would not be able to help me with the mess, unless she/he comes with the fancy organizing solutions. >:->

Step One

Make a strong take-off every day. A good take-off sets the tone of the day. When you:

WAKE UP — set a time
JUMP UP — don’t lie in bed, there’s a wonderful world waiting
MAKE UP — the bed immediately, automatically
EAT UP — something nutritious
WASH UP — bathe body or wash face
BRUSH UP — take care of your teeth
DRESS UP — completely from head to toe including hair, shoes, and makeup of some kind on your face
LOOK UP — somewhere during the day you need to turn your heart upward to God (a great way to start the day)

Add any other steps you may need to your flight plan, like TAKE A WALK. They don’t have to end with UP.

- messies anonymous - getting started
Yeah... I was a member of Fly Ladies for some time. I was irritated by the snobbish attitude. Everyone seemed to assume that people had dishwashers, laundry machines, cars... people were told to buy organizing helpers from the "head quarters". The last straw for me was when one of the other members told proudly how she and her siblings had "crash-cleaned" their hoarder-mother's house, without her knowledge or consent... The other members praised her and told her that her mother will forgive and it was the right thing to do, and I lost it. I told the group that I have seldom seen such inconsiderate violation of people's rights and that I refuse to be part of a group where the economical value and some social image is more important than respecting people's right to decide for themselves. The children seemed to be more worried about their mother's house loosing value than anything else. Even if the mother's health was in jeopardy, it's not the children's business, but the mother's alone. If she asked for help, then the issue had been different, but she didn't. I'm pretty sure she will "forgive" her children, but she will never trust them again, and the situation will be just as bad within a couple of months, as such "interventions" only deal with the symptoms, and not the disease.
So, when I now look at "dress up - completely from head to toe including hair, shoes and makeup of some kind on your face", my hair raises. The second step - if I remember correctly - of Fly Ladies was to wear laced shoes... Now, in my culture people don't wear shoes inside. I could be wearing slippers, and I do, in winter, when it's cold, but most of the time I go barefeet at home. I also don't use makeup and I find the mere suggestion offensive, controlling and snobbish. Also, even if I'm Theist, I know a lot of others are not, and the suggestion of "looking up" has a disagreeable taste. What if I'm not a 50's housewife type?

Sunday, June 19, 2011

I should read my blog more :-D

Today I'm "there" again.

I noticed that I have no habits, except the habit of doing what I want at any given moment. The habit of following my impulses where ever they might take me, and they have taken me to 104.8 kilos. (231 pounds. Yay! One pound less than a week ago!)

I have bad impulse control. (No, it's not a disorder.) I eat too much and wrong kind of food, I don't exercise, I waste time in idiotic things like playing computer games - not to relax and wind down, but because I need to make time pass... - I don't take care of my responsibilities, my home nor myself, I just float from day to day and do absolutely nothing but what I feel like doing at any given moment.
I have enormous difficulties in getting myself to the different meetings with doctors or other people outside home trying to help me, I get horrible anxiety that makes me sleep badly and feel bad almost half a day before and half a day after the meeting. I don't want to have it like that.

In a way it is my husband's "fault". He has been preaching the philosophy of not doing what one doesn't want to do. It's sort of his way of revolting against the very strict life of his childhood, but my problem is not that I don't do what I want to do... Trying to remember back to my life, I don't remember much habits, structure or routines in my life when I was a child either. There was school, but I used to have "friday sickness" - I didn't go to school every day. Of course, I was bullied at school, and I didn't have many friends, so it wasn't fun to go to school, and as I already knew quite a lot more than my peers, there was no reason to go to school either. Now there doesn't seem to be a good enough reason to make me take care of things I should take care of, like cleaning the apartment.

I will never win the challenge this way :-D

If I lose a pound a week, I will be in goal weight in two years.
I am also not so patient... A pound a week would be absolutely perfect pace, I would probably be able to exercise away the flaps of skin in that time, and I would be slender before my 45th birthday. :-)
But I want it now! I want to be skinny, thin, slender NOW!
And I want it without needing to do anything to get it ;-)

Saturday, June 11, 2011

How do you practice tenacity?

I really want to become the best me I can, and if I have understood correctly, I can be just that, by embracing all my talents... and I have plenty.
There is so much things to learn, there is so much things... I'm sorry I didn't learn all these things when I was little. I'm sorry I'm not very tenacious. I would speak fluent Finnish, Swedish, English, Spanish, Italian, French, Portuguese, Dutch, Japanese, Arabic, Latin, Hebrew, German, and several other languages, if I had any more resilience... perhaps that is something I need to practice more, not my skills and talents.

How do you practice tenacity?
How do you get that "not afraid of dying on the treadmill" attitude?
How do you learn not to give in?
I really need that. I could do anything if I had that.

Is it just about attitudes, and if so, which attitude it is? And how do you train yourself not to give in?
Is it about fear?
Or priorities?
What is important? Nothing... I wonder if I had it when I was little, but then something happened that made me give it up... all those years of waiting, all those years of "it's not worth crying, it's not worth taking that seriously"... it's no use to do anything, hang on, be tenacious, because the world is as it is, and laisse-faire attitude gives me more serenity. Now.
But combined with fear, what it created was this magnificent body of 100+ kilos, probably diabetes, sleep apnea, pain, bad condition, bad conscience, neverending hunger...

Why am I eating? Food has become the only luxury from being the only affordable luxury... But they say, no food tastes as good as being slim.

I don't believe I will be able to lose weight. I have been overweight my whole adult life, and I have just been getting fatter and fatter every year, the last 10 years...

22 reasons to never give up
They didn't give up... a list of people who didn't give up and what they did

motivation and the power of not giving up
6 ways not to give up
not giving up quotations

I ate pancakes with syrup yesterday. I don't know why. I was watching some inspirational weight loss videos, and getting prepared to walk to the store to buy some salads... and then I remembered that my husband had intended the chicken to be used to make Chinese food, and I should also buy the ingredients for the Chinese food as well. I don't want that. I want a good salad with a lot of different stuff in, different colors, spenach and tomatoes and paprika and fruit and then piece of chicken to go with it... and nice, light French dressing, so that I get the fatty acids I need...

Friday, June 10, 2011

How to avoid saggy skin after weight loss?

The unavoidable truth is that if you lose weight quickly - like giving birth to a baby - your skin might not be able to "hang" with you - so it ends up hanging... in nasty, ugly folds, flapping wings, sides, buttocks and belly, arms and thighs... I don't want that. At the moment it seems that all you can do to that AFTERWARDS is to cut it off. So think about it BEFORE.

1. Loose weight slowly.
2. Exercise - fill the "gap" with muscles. That will also improve the "tightness" of skin. I don't know how that works, but it does.
3. Give your skin a lot of water and nutritions. Eat proper food with all vitamins, minerals and oils, the good stuff. It's better to get those things from natural food than through additives and man-made chemicals in pills and "added" stuff.
4. Give your skin some sunlight for vitamin D. It will also make you less hungry.
5. Start losing weight NOW. Don't wait till tomorrow, or next monday, or next month or after holidays or your vacation or anything. The skin loses elasticity as you get older, and you get older every day... Start NOW.

Exfoliating, rubbing, dry-brushing, moisturising and massaging the skin might help somewhat.

So - let's see if that'll help.

Here's what I have to work with:

 Yes, those stripes on my "love handles" are stretch marks, and I had them already when I was 15 and not overweight. I suppose my skin has never been very elastic... nice for me, huh?

Oh, damn, it's ugly!

Nevertheless, it shows, that I need to work with my arms, thighs, sides, back and belly.
Now, I chose to wear these bikini pants under my belly. They actually cover that belly flap "normally", so that I look a little better.
My bottom has always been small and "tight"

You know... Angelina Jolie doesn't have that much bottom either...
and see, even though she's so skinny, she too has "muffin tops"

Thursday, June 9, 2011

I have to stop...

... but how?

"Using your measurements of a 43.5 inches waist and weight of 232 pounds your body fat percentage is estimated to be 51.10 % using the U.S. Navy body fat formula, or 46.36 % using the formula developed by the YMCA.  "

My BMI is 37.6

Obesity class II is also called morbid obesity. I'm eating myself to death.

Women's Calorie Calculator Results
These calorie calculator results will help you understand how many calories you need to maintain your current weight, and the number of calories needed per day to achieve your goal weight in a healthy, steady manner.

You need 2267.9 calories per day to maintain your current weight without exercise.

You need 1774.4 calories per day to reach your goal weight slowly and maintain that weight without exercise.

If you reduce your current caloric intake to 1767.9 calories per day you will lose one pound per week without exercise.

If you increase your current caloric intake to 2767.9 calories per day, you will gain one pound per week.

Exercise and Calorie Needs

If you exercise for 30 minutes each day, you may increase your caloric intake to 2532.4 calories per day and still maintain your current weight.

If you exercise for 60 minutes each day, you may increase your caloric intake to 2863 calories per day to maintain your current weight.

If you exercise for 30 minutes each day, you will be able to reach your goal weight with 1979.6 calories per day.

If you exercise for 60 minutes each day, you will be able to reach your goal weight with 2236.2 calories per day.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Anything you can do, I can do better...

I enjoy reading Regretsy. I have explained that elsewhere, but as an artist and artisan, I don't find it "wonderful" when people try to push crap as "art" or "handmade item".
Even though it is so that "if you can't call it anything else, it's art" - which definition I gave art at artisan school, I have plenty of names for most of the things at Regretsy, and none of them is art...

Now, there is this semifamous person, whose best friend is dating a more famous person, and this person likes to do things... she has a couple of shops at Etsy, where she sells... well... not too badly made art and crafts. It's not GOOD, don't get me wrong, but it's not bad either. Now, that I can do better any day, blindfolded and one arm tied behind my back, but to me that would be no challenge either...

So - could I do anything she does better? ANYTHING she does?

Okay... she is a "glamour model". (A really silly name for page 3 girls). Her BMI is 18.5 and she is physically fit.
I am not. I am so far from being a glamour model anyone can be; I'm not even the shape fat pin-ups have.

You know - either pear or hourglass. I'm the classic top-heavy mother-in-law or controlling wife from the 50's cartoons. I'm more of a shape of a very fat carrot... I have wide shoulders and chest, and my hips are more V than A or O...
 Here's what I have to work with...
I'm no glamour model :-D

So - I need to get my weight down from the 103 it is now to 53 kilos. That's loosing half of me...
Then I need to get fit. I assume both of these are reached at the same time ;-)

I will not become a glamour model even to prove "anything you can do, I can do better", but I would love to do this...
"a woman who not only shoots incredibly photographs, but makes incredible costumes, as well as does incredible hair and makeup..." "...Enter Viona, who is herself some strange, mystical, unearthly being.  She is modelesque, with an incredible face, and poses in many of her own photos.  It also appears that every one of her friends is also modelesque, were born seamstresses, and all do great hair and makeup.  To add to the bizarre soup of it all, they're all German, who speak perfect English, and travel the world taking surreal pictures.  They have the ability to attach horns to their head, wear fur and look stunning, obtain and successfully sport colored contacts, and apply gallons of liquid eyeliner with no flaw nor shakey hand whatsoever."
Yep. That's what I am going to shoot at. Having a body that WOULD be good for "glamour" photos, but not do it... or do it a bit differently. Like this girl, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this or this, or this... oh, so beautiful :-) 

Also, the "almost famous person" calls herself a sing-a-songwriter and guru, says she likes to desgin, and has video tutorials on all kinds of things; make-up, food and DIY stuff. She isn't very good at cooking or singing, but make-up she knows how to apply. So that I really need to learn.
Michelle Phan is my idol :-) She is so cute and pretty and funny and skilled... she makes it look so easy :-)

So - loose weight, get fit, learn to apply make-up, make my hair, sew corsets, take photos, write songs and learn to sing better, and then make a series of foody videos for YouTube in the style of Nigella Lawson, Annabel Longbein, Rachael Ray and Jamie Oliver :-D In this company "naked chef" might mean something slightly different than what Jamie meant :-D

But - at least I know that if I WANT to do it, I'm MEANT to do it :-)