Wednesday, January 4, 2012

New Year...

12 months of possibilities and promises... but what? What promises?
I could do anything if I only knew what it was...

Anyway, I am having problems... I feel I'm being challenged, and I like it... but I don't think I'm going to win this war.

And I don't know if I want to either... but... oh, he's pushing all my buttons.

This is the Year of the Eagle for me...

Eagle is the symbol of flying higher, fearless and clear vision and leadership.
"Here are a few attributes and keywords associated with Eagle Medicine:

    Masculinity (warrior and hunter energy; energy, vitality, courage, bravery, fearlessness)
"Eagle's medicine includes swiftness, strength, courage, wisdom, keen sight, illumination of Spirit, healing, creation, knowledge of magic, ability to see hidden spiritual truths, rising above the material to see the spiritual, ability to see the overall pattern/big picture, connection to spirit guides and teachers and higher truths, great power and balance, dignity with grace, intuitive and creative spirit, respect for the boundaries of the regions, grace achieved through knowledge and hard work."
"If Eagle is your power animal, you feel the need to have an involvement with creation, a willingness to experience extremes, a willingness to use your abilities, a willingness to seek out your true emotions. You must become much more than you ever imagined would be possible."

Oh, yeah... I want that.

BTW, I don't have an official diagnosis of having BDD, because I am okay with being ugly, and I believe to be generally ugly and don't try to change the fact... but I think I have it anyway, because this is how I see me:

And this is a photo of me:
I don't see much difference, but people tell me there is... and I do think about it, and it does effect me. I do wish I was pretty, like my sister. I avoid mirrors, I don't usually even care about how I look, because - you can paint crap, but it's still crap, besides, I look even worse with makeup. :-D  I am ugly, and I have accepted it as a fact. Some people need to be ugly, so that pretty people look prettier.
I know that I have said often in this blog that I look pretty good and all that, but it's mostly just positive affirmation... if I repeat it often enough, I might start to believe in it. Today I don't believe it for five cents.
My husband thinks I'm pretty, but he would now. He's a man. All sane men think their wife/girlfriend is the prettiest girl in the world, and what's lacking in the physical is more than enough outweighed by her other qualities. When my husband got the question "why her?" he didn't say it was because I was pretty, but because I'm kind and intelligent... rather describing, I think. And, yeah, I'm brilliant, open, kind, friendly, talented, refreshingly innocent, real and different... but not pretty. I suppose one day I will be able to truly accept it, but right now thinking about it makes me cry. I don't want to look at photos of me, and there really is rather few of them.

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