Friday, December 16, 2011

I'm obsessing...

One of my biggest problems is that I rather live in my fantasies than in reality. No need to deal with the nasty and complicated human relationships stuff. In real life someone always gets hurt, misunderstands, expects too much or different things, isn't ready to go along, have their own ideas, thoughts, wants, wishes, desires, needs... messy stuff.

So, in my real life I'm married to this lovely guy. Well, being a human being, he has his vices, weaknesses, problems and what-nots, but I'm okay with them. I'm not perfect either, and if he can live with my problems, the least I can do is to live with his, neh? Nevertheless, it's life, so it's not perfect and it's not pretty and it's not a fantasy where you are in control of everything that happens.

So - in my fantasies... I don't fantasize about my husband. He's part of my life, and as I have no wish to change that, I don't do that in my fantasies either, just as little as I change my parents or siblings or me... (Funny, actually... I suppose that means I'm pretty okay with who and what I am. I have never fantasized about being black, having blue eyes, looking different from what I do - it's all about things I could change if I worked a little, like being slender, fit and agile. I like that.) But I fantasize about a world different from the one I live in now, so I'm married to someone else. The idea of this "someone else" is based on a real life person. So far so good. Nothing wrong with any of this.

But - the problem arises, when I confuse the fantasy man with the real life person. And I do... so I'm at the verge of stalking some innocent, unsuspecting man out there because I happen to like him... or the little I know about him. Simply because "he" "told" me "he" is obsessed of me... (in the fantasy, that is. Not in the real life.)

And at the same time, not really. I wouldn't know what to do if the object of my fantasies actually appeared by my door and told me that he can't stop thinking about me and the smell of my hair (how he would know anything about that is beyond me, but - what ever.) or something, and that he just must have me or he'll die. I would probably glare at him and close the door to his face. Poor guy.

But... what if I was not married? I have been googling the objects of my fantasies, I have been violently jealous to their current girlfriend, spouse, SO, considering witchcraft, looking up their address and phone number... what would it take to take the next step and really become a female stalker?

Uh. Thank God I'm married! :-D

Someone said:
"This person represents to me the Unclaimed parts of myself that are deeply soulful, musical, whimsical, romantic. What I feel for him is just a PROJECTION of what my soul is telling me I really need for myself. So I will develop that part of myself, that this person has brought to my attention (that which I need to develop in MY OWN LIFE) and not have it met by someone, who would not be good for me in the long run. So I see him as somewhat of a Messenger... a message from the soul that there are parts of me yet unfulfilled that I need to do for myself. So I can thank him (and the Universe) for this valuable message."

So - what is that I need for myself? What is the projection?

My husband has ADHD and Aspergers. I love him being "deeply soulful, musical, whimsical, romantic", I love his intelligence, inspirational, innovative mind... I love his sanguine, vibrant boyishness. We have so much fun together. And he's loving and affectionate, and I love that. He does me small services, takes so well care of me when I need help, is compassionate and caring... I fell in love with my husband because he reminds me so much of my father, but... I am not blind to my dad's faults, and unfortunately my husbands shares them too. One thing I don't have much in my life is stability.
The other guy is steady, calm and kind... I feel the urge to just cling to him and suck the stability through all the pores of my skin... enjoy it as if it was sunlight.

I don't want to be responsible of putting in some stability to my life... I want someone else to do it. To know that I made the choice when I chose my husband makes me desperate... and I look at this other guy and wish someone had asked me to really think about all things like that, that someone had discussed with me about psychological patterns and how we choose to continue the dance we are familiar with even though it might not be good for us, and that I can choose something else, and I should really be experimenting more and not just follow my heart which is really a fickle thing... and I start thinking arranged marriages are really not a bad idea.

At the same time, this is just a marriage. I can divorce my husband. I can "get out" of this situation. I can go and start looking for a guy who is like this other guy... So what's stopping me?

Complex issue.
a) I'm used to this, and I don't like changes
b) I'm afraid that life wouldn't work as easily as it does in my fantasies - what says I'll ever find a rock of a guy who'll want me?
c) my husband is a good guy who has never done anything do deserve to be left just because he cannot fulfill all my needs. No-one could.
d) my sense of duty is really strong. I promised in front of God to love and honor my husband and stay with him till God us apart, and damn me if I'll ever going to break that promise.
e) the most important reason is that I love my husband and he loves me. Thinking of him still makes me smile sheepishly, I'm still proud of saying I'm his wife, and presenting him as my husband... I still run to him, think of him when ever something romantic happens, it's him I think first when I need to tell something to someone... He's my best friend and absolutely amazing... I could sing his praises to kingdom come... I would be idiot and insane to leave him, and I'm neither :-D

But, ah, the stability...

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