Friday, January 6, 2012

It has been a lot of weight loss,

but not actual weight loss. Funny how things work.

I was asked where I see myself in a year.
I see myself right here. Nothing has changed. Nothing changed, ever, in my past, why would it change in the future? I will probably weigh more, know less, be more disappointed and tired and angry and sad with myself, because I still live on what was and what could be, in stead of what is and what will be... I live very much in fantasies, where I am oh-so-all-kinds-of-things. But I still think all the time "tomorrow, tomorrow, there'll always tomorrow..." MaƱana. Morgen, morgen, nur nicht heute... Not today. Tomorrow. I'll do it all tomorrow. I'll start the diet tomorrow. I'll stretch tomorrow. I'll practice and study and do the homework and so on, tomorrow. Always tomorrow.
I have a lecture to write. I'll do that tomorrow.
I have a painting to finish. I'll do that tomorrow too.
I need to write. Tomorrow.
I need to... do hundreds of things, that won't take long, so I don't need to do it now, I'll do it tomorrow.

But the thing is... tomorrow never comes. It's always today. And one of these todays it'll be too late.
On the other hand, then it doesn't matter anymore :-D
Until then, it does matter.

I don't want to be disappointed, angry, sad and tired with myself.

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