Monday, August 15, 2011

Didn't eat much yesterday

I went for a looooong walk, didn't have the condition to take the "normal" 10K, just about 6K, I guess, and dang, I was tired afterwards. I had to force my feet forward.
I only drank some tea with milk and a couple of glasses koldskaal. I'm almost a pound lighter today. I think I'll follow this regime for a little, at least for as long as it "works".

I will also be taking vitamines, even though I know it's not necessarily healthy... I'm just so scared of all the possible deficiencies and effects... It really is sick. I'm afraid all the time!
If I don't eat, my body goes to "starve mode", which means I won't lose any weight, but if I eat ANYTHING, I will get even fatter really quickly. I suppose there is some body reactions, that make you lose weight slower if you are starving, for the survival, but - look at the people in concentration camps and Biafra, and all the other places, where they don't have any food. They do lose weight, and rather rapidly, even. Like, Cast-Away, or the woman who was lost in Gran Canyon for three weeks, ate nothing and lost like 20 kilos or something. Now, I will be drinking and exercising, which should make the muscle and water loss minute, and take the energy to support me from fat. I do hope it works that way.

Then I'm terrified by sacking skin. I try to do exercises for tummy, thighs and arms, but what if it doesn't work and I end up being a skeleton in skin sack? That's not pretty... I'm over 40. I can't count my skin will go back to what it was when I was 15. I cannot afford any cosmetic surgery... besides, what about the scars and risks of operation, and removing that much tissue and... The world is full of scary stories!

At the same time, I'm "hungry" all the time. Not hungry hungry, but I want to eat. I think about food all the time... About spaghetti and bread, freshly baked, steamy and you know the scent of freshly baked goods... A newly baked bun with crisp surface and soft, airy innards, steamy hot, with fresh, cool butter melting... mmmm... doughnuts... mmmm.... bacon pancakes with maple syrup, orange juice, good sausage and hashbrowns, latkes with apple sauce and sour cream, and perhaps a nice, fried piece of chicken to go with it... my mother's meatballs with mashed potatoes and gravy. Chips. French fries. Peanuts. Pearson's Salted Nut Rolls... I could eat those as many as there are. The taste sensation of sweet and salty and chewy and crisp and tender... Ow! Chinese. Chili and chili adobo... Ooh. Some Indian food. Meat with fruits. Perfectly cooked rice with spicy stew of some sort, rich, thick and tasty... I'd even eat hamburgers and pizza, even though those are not my idea of "the best a woman can get". I'd go crazy at a bakery. Croissants. Danish pastries. Finnish lihapasteija. Not lihapiirakka, which is another form of meat pastry in Finland. I want the one made of flaky puff pastry, not the one made with kind of sugarless doughnut pastry, even though those can be really good too. Or pärämäç! Ooh... Obviously my biggest problem is the love of fatty, starchy, salty things, with some flavor too.
Now I am hungry. I think I'll go and see if there's some koldskaal left in the fridge. :-)

The biggest problem isn't hunger, but the urge, desire, lust, want of food that's not good for me. I have the idea of that food is the only affordable luxury for me, I'm not fond of bathing and such. I also comfort eat, and when I'm trying to lose weight, I do feel sorry for myself, and the automatic reaction is to go to kitchen and bake me something to "make me feel better"... I have been doing that for some 30 years now, and I don't want to live with the consequences. I need to learn that food is not a buddy, a comfort nor luxury, but - food. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing else. It's food, nutrition, thing invented to give me some energy, and if I eat more than I use, it get storaged for "a rainy day", so that I will survive when the starvation knocks on the door.

Oh, God, let me stay strong and not eat... but I don't want to get anorexia either. I want to have a healthy relationship to food, eat normally, healthy, balanced and well, but not too much. I want to be able to enjoy everything on the list above. The way it was meant to be enjoyed.

No comments:

Post a Comment