Today I'm "there" again.
I noticed that I have no habits, except the habit of doing what I want at any given moment. The habit of following my impulses where ever they might take me, and they have taken me to 104.8 kilos. (231 pounds. Yay! One pound less than a week ago!)
I have bad impulse control. (No, it's not a disorder.) I eat too much and wrong kind of food, I don't exercise, I waste time in idiotic things like playing computer games - not to relax and wind down, but because I need to make time pass... - I don't take care of my responsibilities, my home nor myself, I just float from day to day and do absolutely nothing but what I feel like doing at any given moment.
I have enormous difficulties in getting myself to the different meetings with doctors or other people outside home trying to help me, I get horrible anxiety that makes me sleep badly and feel bad almost half a day before and half a day after the meeting. I don't want to have it like that.
In a way it is my husband's "fault". He has been preaching the philosophy of not doing what one doesn't want to do. It's sort of his way of revolting against the very strict life of his childhood, but my problem is not that I don't do what I want to do... Trying to remember back to my life, I don't remember much habits, structure or routines in my life when I was a child either. There was school, but I used to have "friday sickness" - I didn't go to school every day. Of course, I was bullied at school, and I didn't have many friends, so it wasn't fun to go to school, and as I already knew quite a lot more than my peers, there was no reason to go to school either. Now there doesn't seem to be a good enough reason to make me take care of things I should take care of, like cleaning the apartment.
I will never win the challenge this way :-D
If I lose a pound a week, I will be in goal weight in two years.
I am also not so patient... A pound a week would be absolutely perfect pace, I would probably be able to exercise away the flaps of skin in that time, and I would be slender before my 45th birthday. :-)
But I want it now! I want to be skinny, thin, slender NOW!
And I want it without needing to do anything to get it ;-)