Sunday, June 10, 2012

What I miss from 135lbs ago?

During this week I have lost 4 pounds.

I miss being able to go to the kitchen and just whip up some scones, cookies or brownies, simply because I want it and I can do it.
They do taste good... freshly baked bread with butter, melting, sweet and salty and moist and fragrant... or fresly baked pastry, sweet and moist and... the depth of flavor and smell and... the sensation of the first bite, and the last bite, and licking fingers good... and the sight of beautiful pastry straight from oven... the soft crumble on my plate...
That I miss.

But then I look at my legs... I have cellulite on calves.
My knees look horrible, both from behind and front.
I want to not miss that.

I think about my belly. I have such a pouch of fat on my belly I cannot even do the "plough". I can still remember how I did that all the time when I was 20. What it feels like to have your knees by your ears.

I so don't want to miss being able to do that, and I so want to not miss having the belly pouch of fat that stops me from doing certain things.
(Interestingly, sitting down with head between your knees and arms up isn't at all difficult... Why can't the fat go there when I'm doing yoga?)

But - the thing is - if you deny yourself everything you consider good, you will fail, and fall and crash. It is ok to have something every now and then. Have one day in a week, where you give yourself permission to eat anything. You can try to keep the portions down - one doughnut tastes just as good as ten, and it's much easier to work that out than the ten... But not even that is necessary. Losing weight is a constant battle with your mind... you didn't get fat because you like food. The world is full of people who like food and who are not fat. Like most tv chefs ;-)

I am fat because I have no friends. I believe I am not worth having friends and an active social life. I believe people don't want to be with me.
Food is always there. Food always tastes good. Food wants to be with me just as much as with anyone else. Food doesn't play mindgames with me. Food doesn't mock me, ridicule me, bully me, ignore me, laugh at me. Food never says I'm ugly and disgusting and that it doesn't like me. It is always me who decide whether I eat the food or not, it's always me who leave, and how ever many times I do that, food is always there when I come back. Food is always "happy to see me". Food never accuses me, blames me, whines nor bitches about how I am and what I did.
Of course it doesn't. It's food. It doesn't have feelings, it doesn't speak, it doesn't have an opinion or a mind of its own. It's food.

That's why food is better than books or television. Unless it's about food. Because books and television are about people, and books have opinions and words, and expressions, and they make you think... reading a book is discussing with the author of the book...

It's hard with people. It's always really tiresome to be with people, and always there's something I did wrong, and what I do is never good enough... it always ends up in tears and hurt feelings, and "mielipaha". I can never pay enough for the fun, and it's never as much fun as everyone else seems to have, so it costs more than it gives anyway...

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