Friday, June 8, 2012

Find your tribe...

I was really happy this morning. I weighed myself and I have lost 1,5 kilos this week. :-)
Just by eating breakfast, eating small meals 4-6 times a day, and eating between 6 A.M and 8 P.M. I have even eaten things I "shouldn't" have, like a ciabatta with lots of butter. I have also exercised a little every day.
A couple of weeks ago I couldn't go out to do the chores I needed to do, because my dress was so tight it looked awful... I wore that dress today and it was hanging loose on me... :-)

Anyway, weight loss is much more fun in pounds, because you lose more ;-)
Start weight, monday, 4th of June  - 234 pounds
Current weight, friday, 8th of June  - 231 pounds.
Can't wait getting under 200...

But - then I received a mail from Da Vinci Divas...
Written a book ... or want to someday?
Perhaps your goal is to share your message and positively impact the lives of others.
Since you're a DaVinci, maybe you want to share one (or more!) of your many passions, express your creativity in print, or "find your tribe."

"Find your tribe"? What's that?
"Your tribe members are those people who accept you just as you are, and who want the very best for you.  They make you feel understood, and they encourage you to go after your goals and pursue your dreams.  Also, the members of your tribe help you to get through difficult times, and they provide you with a sense of community and support."
- How to build your tribe - finding your people
Ouch. I thought I had found that in ---. I thought he accepted me as I am, and not only accepted, but liked what I am... made me feel what I am is good, valuable, interesting and nice... He made me feel understood, comfortable, happy... I thought he wanted the best for me, I felt empowered to go after my goals and pursue my dreams, and I had a sense of community and support... I trusted him with my full being, I would have thrown myself in icy lake had he asked me to do it. I would have gone through fire had he asked me, because I trusted him, and I thought he knew it was going to be all right, it was going to end well, and that if something went wrong, he'd be there to rescue me, to save me, to guide me, to help me through... Because he would never have asked me to do anything he didn't know was safe and ok.

But I was wrong. He did it because it was his job, not because he cared about me. When the problems aroused, he abandoned me, left me standing there alone, lost, scared, desperate...

And the worst thing is that... I still love him and miss him and... I find it extremely hard, impossible at the moment, to accept that I misunderstood his character so badly.
If he wasn't my tribe, how will I ever recognize my tribe?
If he was... If he was, how could he betray me?
"Listen to your inner voice and trust your instincts. Sometimes you’ll meet someone new and you’ll feel drawn to them right away, almost as if you were old friends..."
I recognized him... I thought. I felt at home. He reminded me of my father, both my brothers, the guy I fell in love with when I was 8, the guy I fell in love with when I was 19.
He had a wonderful sense of humor, he seemed very honest, intelligent... Oh, so intelligent! I love his kind of intelligence, open-minded, curious, interested, asking the right questions, attentive, sharp... Wonderful. He was kind and respectful, open and... it was a pleasure to walk with him. He was so steady and agile... adjusting his pace and route to mine perfectly... It would probably have been a pleasure to dance with him.
He felt like a big brother, steady, firm, reliable, safe... he made me feel safe. He made me feel sheltered, supported, like a cliff from which a baby bird takes flight. He was my nest. He was the daddy eagle flying besides me, ready to give a wing tip to steady my wings, ready to take a grip of my back and set me upwards again if I fell...
Oh, the feeling... I don't remember ever feeling that way. He made it seem possible to spread my wings and fly...

And now he's gone. He left me. I crashed on the ground and found myself alone... and I try to flutter and fly, but... it hurts and is scary as hell and I'm so lonely and feel abandoned, forsaken, rejected... and it feels meaningless to even try to fly. What's the point?

Because with my BDD I'm sure he left me because I'm so ugly. I'm worthless, I don't deserve anything good in the life, and because of that I won't get anything good in life, how ever I try. He probably saw that I would never learn to fly, so he left me to help others with bigger chance to succeed.

And I will never again feel like that in my life... never more... never more...

Oh, well... He was just one person. One shouldn't make one person that important, unless that one person is oneself.
"Andy Paige–a stylist on TLC– explains that you need to look for your 1/3.  To summarize: Andy argues that 1/3 of the people you come across will dislike you; 1/3 of the people you meet will be indifferent toward you; and 1/3 of the people you come into contact with will love you.  You’re looking for that that last 1/3.  Those are your people.  Don’t worry about the other 2/3."
But... I'm 43 and I have never met a man like him... I want him in my life, I need him in my life, I must have him in my life... and I cannot. Because he doesn't want to...

My people are so few and my possibilities of meeting them are even fewer. I'm terrified by the thought of that... what if it takes another 40 years to find someone else like him? What if he's the only one out there like that? People are unique! They say it's better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all, but it would have been better for me never to have met him, and never have enjoyed the luxury of being... of feeling like I was supported, appreciated, covered... I wish I didn't know what I am missing, because the hole is big and gaping and it f-ing hurts!

I do have a tribe. It's not very big. I have my husband, I have my family, and they are my people. They love me, accept me as I am, are supportive, caring, fun to be with, lovely people. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. Some people don't even have that many.
"...if you’re already surrounded by a supportive tribe, remember that there are probably many members of your tribe that you have not met yet."

Besides, there are others out there I just haven't met yet. I just need to dare to go out there and...

Why would anyone... why would anyone be what I thought he was, for me? I'm a middle-aged, married woman, ugly and I have never done anything worth mentioning. I am multi-talented, sure, a renaissance woman, a polymath - the CAPACITY is there, but as I have never done anything, none of it shows, and no-one will ever know of my gifts and talents... and no-one will ever bother to look in the box, because it's so ugly, plain, old and dirty. And about those gifts and talents... do I even have anything worth something in the box? He didn't think so. Why would anyone else?

Why does my husband? Why does my family? Why does the people I believe to be my friends on-line?
“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. 
Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.”
-- Jane Howard
 I need one... I need someone I thought he was.
“Finding your tribe can have transformative effects on your sense of identity and purpose. This is because of three powerful tribal dynamics: validation, inspiration, and what we’ll call here the ‘alchemy of synergy.’”  
- Ken Robinson

I can think of the things I thought he would do with me, and I can think how to do that with other people... I can think of things the people in movies, books and tv shows etc. do, that I envy them for... I could have a dessert club, or book club, or learn-languages-and-travel club, "come dine with me" club, balcony gardening club, knitting club... but I cannot see any reason why people would like to do that with me.

Then why would he choose to be with me? I can pay a man with sex and intimacy. And cooking and baking... I can do small favors. That's my "language of love". I like to think that our relationship was mutual, even though he was giving me much more... I like to think I gave him something valuable too. I gave him my appreciation, validation, compassion... advice... I think I inspired and encouraged him to do something he might not have done without me... at least I like to think it is so.
Maybe it wasn't.  And that's why he left me... I wasn't giving him anything. Because I cannot give anyone anything worth getting, anything they want.
So - why would anyone like to be with me and do things with me? Why would anyone be in my tribe or accept me in theirs?

I suppose I need to get out there and risk, and perhaps get gladly surprised by finding out that there are more lonely, sad people out there, who don't think anyone want them either, and who find me interesting and, well... are my people.
Ask this question now, before you get caught in settling your new life: who do you want to be? Decide right now to be that. Then go out and do that in every moment. Your people will come to you in surprising ways, because they’re all looking for you, too.
Brian Andreas

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