Monday, June 18, 2012

I'm a quitter

I'm a quitter. When ever there's the slightest sight of problems, I quit.

I am doing tummy exercises.
I don't understand how this one exercise is supposed to be done, so I don't do it.
Or any of the following ones either...
I quit.

PT rolls his eyes and sighs.
"Come on, now. If you don't know how to do it, just skip it, and move on to the next one. Besides, I'm sure you're doing it fine. No, your legs won't raise as high as the girl's in the photos, so what? It feels in your abs, doesn't it? It doesn't hurt, does it? So you're doing it right. So, hop-hop! On with it, gal!"


I try again. It doesn't feel right. I quit.

"Ok... skip it. Move on to the next."

I don't. I'm bothered by this exercise. I should be able to do it. If I don't do it, how will I ever be able to do anything?

"Done is better than perfect. It is better you do 6 exercises and skip one, than do one, fail in the second and do nothing more. It's just one exercise! You don't need it! You don't ever NEED to do that specific exercise! And, perhaps, after you have done the abs workout for a couple of weeks, you'll try it again, and find that you actually understand how it's done and can do it too. So - for now, we skip it."

"mmm..." I'm not sure about that. It doesn't feel right.



But I did it.
And I did the exercise I couldn't figure out.
And also the "back against the wall lift legs" DANG!!!
I didn't do them well. I did them shaking and grinning and gasping and whining, but I did them.

I'm shocked and disgusted by my bad physical condition. That is one reason to why I don't do anything... I don't want to think about how bad it is, how down I have let myself go during the last 20 years of my life.
I wish someone had told me...
If I could go back in time, I'd tell myself to finish what I start, even when it doesn't feel worth it at the time, and I'd tell myself to start eating 6 small meals a day in 2 hours' interval and keep running and walking and exercising and doing everything I think seems interesting. To keep my physical fitness...
about 3000 meters in Cooper's test when I was 16...
Right now I don't think I'd manage half of it.
But - I have done that. *I* did it. That was ME. Then.
I have done that, I can do it again. And I will.

But my PT is pretty p'd off with me right now. The last few days I have been whining and quitting and skipping and not doing what I need to do, and he can't force me.
Oh, the excuses... "I'm really tired, I need to sleep..." "I have fibro flame, I'm in pain..." (yes, I know... but I'll be in pain whether I exercise or not, and it will help in the long run if I exercise, so... I count this as an excuse as well. I don't need to do high impact exercise, but I need to move). "I don't understand how this move is supposed to be done", "I can't do that", "I'm so weak and in bad condition, I'm ashamed of myself, disgusted of myself, I can't stand myself..."
My PT tries to say "Do the exercise first, just give me half an hour, then you can go and sleep". "You don't need to understand the exercise, just do your best. You'll get there". "You can't do it now, but you will, eventually, if you do your best now." "you'll get stronger, more fit, you'll stop being ashamed and disgusted of yourself, but only if you work out!" "Just give me your best effort. I don't expect perfect. I don't expect you can do everything I ask you to do. But I want you to at least try."


Tomorrow I'll have a meeting with my PT at 7 and I'll do the workout.

BTW, my husband hid the scales. I was really sad today because I have been a good girl (or... 3/4 of a good girl anyway) the last two weeks and last week Sunday I weighed as much as on Monday, and it felt like nothing I do makes any difference, so why the hell do anything.)

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