Wednesday, June 13, 2012

I am not going to binge

Today I'm so sad. I just want to eat. I just want to give up, and not do anything.

The idiot send the evaluation to wrong address, and didn't understand that, even though I wrote to her to remind her of that I haven't received the evaluation... and then she gets all confused and starts talking about some other evaluation... so I got confused and frustrated and felt she wasn't listening to me.

And the evaluation...

On strength side:
I am kind, loyal and versatile. I learn quickly, I am good at writing, maths and research. I am creative, I have good memory and I'm open for ideas. I read quickly. I work quickly and effectively.

Uh. So... general.

On the problem side:
I have Asperger's, fibromyalgia, allergies, social phobia, social incompetence, sleep apnea, panic anxiety disorder, depression, problems with self-esteem, I'm too optimistic about what I can do and how long time it takes, I have problems with executive functions, and obviously my "pattern thinking" is a problem as well, because it makes it hard for me to express myself.
"Executive function is an umbrella term for cognitive processes such as planning, working memory, attention, problem solving, verbal reasoning, inhibition, mental flexibility, multi-tasking, initiation and monitoring of actions."
What can I do with that? How could I turn that into something positive?


Well... that was 40 weeks of my life I won't be getting back.
My husband says that I have learned a lot of this. I wonder.

Right now it feels like I have learned not to trust anyone.

That I'm nobody. I'm so bleak and bland a person not even people who do it as their job can come up with something in me worth to be remembered, something that differs me from everyone else.

And I am never, ever going to be anything.

I feel ugly and disgusting, and I find it hard to put up the stiff upper lip and keep my back straight and head out there to meet the world, which I believe to be all... They all look at me and see a grey mouse, a bowl of dishwater, nasty, ugly, disgusting, grey dishwater... and I find it so humiliating... like running the gauntlet.

But I am not going to eat.

And no, I don't mean I'm starving myself. I eat according to my plan, 4-6 small meals a day, between 7 AM and 7 PM, and good stuff. I am not going to binge. I am not going to bake myself something good, or go buy me candy. I won't eat pizza or fries, ice cream, potato chips or anything else like that.
Because I'm worth better.
I am worth knowing what it feels like to be skinny.
I am worth being able to do all the things I want to do, without being so darn self-conscious and hate myself and my floppy, fat body.
I am worth going to yoga classes and martial arts classes and run 5K and 10K and going to parkour classes, and do all that.
I am worth being able to buy me clothes from a regular shop or second hand.
I am worth to skip another word from my nasty words to call myself with list. "Fat, ugly and stinking". I have got rid of the "stinking", and if I can't call myself "fat", that leaves only "ugly"... and that I don't think I'll ever get rid of. But, we'll see. Let's work with the fat part first, because that is something I can do.

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