Friday, September 6, 2013

Getting bumpier...

Since April 1st, I've lost 11 kilos.
Since mid-July I haven't been on diet, but I haven't gained any weight either.

I suppose that's good.

But something happened, that made me crash back in the pit of self-loathing again.

I wanted to start taking diving lessons.
I couldn't go.
Because I am afraid of that they will ostracize me.
Like everyone always.

I tried to use all the tools I have.
It didn't work.
I tried being kind and tolerant.
It didn't work.

I feel horribly bad about myself.
Two weeks later.
I am a coward.
It doesn't matter that I have a reason to be afraid.
Cowardice is not not being afraid.
Cowardice is not doing what one is afraid of doing.

And I am obsessing about That Guy.
He must be happily living his life, and enjoying it.
I am not.
It's so unfair.

Why am I not happily living my life and enjoying it?

Because I am too damaged, too depressed, too sad and tired with everything about it.

I try being mindful. As long as I can, I'm ok.
I'm not happy, because that's just one feeling among the others, and none of them matters.
But I'm not sad either.

I'm really good at being mindful.

But then this part of me, which is really good at worrying, starts worrying about how nothing will ever happen if I never do anything. How God makes things work for as long as we work with Her. Take the steps. God gives me courage to change things I can change, but I will have to change them.
Being mindful, doing nothing, just noticing things and letting things pass and go, accepting everything, is really... not productive.

I am ok as long as I do nothing.
I can even do some simple chores being mindful.
Well... I can do everything being mindful, and being ok.
Except dream. Hope. Wish.

And there's so much things in the world that remind me of him.
One of these days I was peacefully watching Simpsons, and they just had to remind me of him. They just had to!
I looked at that flag, for a second, I couldn't believe it was happening.
And then I laughed.
It was just too much.
Not even Simpsons is "safe"!

I try to make time go on the internet, and there too are the reminders. Something totally innocent makes me think of him, and there we go again.

Also, there's this thing... about dreams and hopes and wishes. Sooner or later I get to the "seduce him" points. "Do this and this so that he just can't resist you". "Learn how to do this and this so that the skill can be used to get him". "Become perfect so that he can't ignore you."

And it doesn't work that way.

Months I cried "what is it in me that makes me so disgusting to him? Why doesn't he want me?"
Until one day my husband (yes, I'm married. To the best guy in the world. Yes, I love him. Yes, our marriage is what I define as happy. So? Ever heard of polyamory? It is possible for people to love more than one person, you know. It's possible for people who love their spouses to be obsessed by other people. It is possible for people to be married and have a lover, too, and be happy about the situation. Ever heard of polygamy? Are you done with judging me, may I continue? Thank you.) So, until one day my husband got irritated and said "You are not her. That's it."
(Her? Yes, he has a girlfriend. So? Relationships end. Of course I don't want him to leave her because of me, after all, I'm married and all, but relationships end. Why can't theirs?)
I am not his girlfriend. He loves her, not me, and he doesn't love me for the simple reason that I am not her.
And I can imagine anything, and plan anything, and become as perfect as humanly possible, and it would still not matter, because I can be anything except her.

Though in The Life and Loves of a She-Devil by Fay Weldon, she did just that...

Nah. I wouldn't want to be her, even if that meant I'd get him. 
Because it wouldn't be ME who got him.
I want him to want ME, not a copy of someone else.
And if he doesn't want me, not even me as perfect as I can become, then he doesn't deserve me.
Some self-respect I have left.

But I wish for... I wish for happiness. To be in love with life, and all the possibilities and colors and miracles life is. I wish for enthusiasm. I wish for inspiration. I wish for self-love... to be so in love with myself as to give myself everything I could ever wish for. To move mountains just to make me happy. To make miracles just to see me smile. To perform triple somersault ending with illusion and standing penche split, just to make me happy. To make me perfect, as perfect as I can be, as perfect as I want to be, just to please me. Do all the things to make ME happy, to please ME, to make ME smile, dance, laugh...

I wish I'll forget him.
That I can see all the things that now reminds me of him and how he chose to end our relationship and make me feel absolutely awful and worthless and all that, and not be reminded of anything bad.
I wish I'll remember only the good parts. Without the sting of fear and loss and suspicion and rejection. Without the feeling of being excluded. Without thinking it was all lies and deception and an act.
I wish I'd remember him fondly, with kindness and joy, and not like this. Right now I'm either loathing me or him, and swing from wanting to kill me because I'm worthless, to wanting to kill him because he is. Right now I hate myself for loving such a lying bastard, and hate him for being a lying bastard.

And even though I said all that about polyamory and such, I wish I could see my crush as just another form of my ability to love, see it as something wonderful and nice, I see it as being unfaithful to my husband, not deserving him and his love, and "if I REALLY loved my husband, I wouldn't fall for other guys!"

Right now I'm breaking.

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