Saturday, September 1, 2012

Last night I cried...

I have Asperger's so I'm slightly OC. Slightly... ROTFLMAO!
My obsessive compulsiveness is mostly beating dead horses. Now, this saying comes from a horrible practice of beating fallen horses in effort of getting them to get up again, but the thinking is the same. I just cannot accept that the horse is dead.

A half a year ago "supported employment" project ended catastrophically. It wasn't a big catastrophe, just a catastrophe for one person, but to that person - me - it was really bad. So bad that even after half a year I'm still thinking about it in the middle of the night when I cannot sleep and the thoughts make me cry.

Oh, people have told me that it's they who are the "bad guys" here, that I really did nothing wrong... That, of course, I could have done things differently, I would have, had I known they were lying... er... didn't mean what I thought they meant with what they said.

   (I mean... really... how can "it's ok to speak of anything, you can trust me" mean  
   "if you speak of a certain thing, I'll leave you, abandon you, forsake you, cast you out, 
   disown you, will never, ever, ever speak to you again, not even to tell you it's not ok 
   to speak of that thing"? I would really like to know, so that I won't cause the "death curse" 
   be cast upon me again, because it dang hurts! It's f-ing killing me!)

          ("Death curse" is a form of banishment from Jean M. Auel's Earth's Children books. 
          When someone is cursed to death, the rest of the group act as if the person was dead,
          so they actively avoid even seeing the person.)

           ("...the silent treatment is the worst form of emotional abuse. It is a punishment used 
          by abusers to make you feel unimportant, not valued, not cared about and completely 
          absent from the abuser's thoughts... ...Silent treatment is a form of banishing someone 
          from the abuser's existence without the benefit of closure or a good bye 
          or a chance at reconciliation." 

Anyway, I felt that I got a "death curse" cast on me for... well... acting as people with Asperger's do, by these people, who should be professionals in dealing with issue concerning people with Asperger's. Not good.

I don't consider myself being heard, even though I had a chance to talk about my complaint with them. It was totally irrelevant. They haven't taken any responsibility of their part of what happened, they haven't acknowledged how their practice of dealing with this kind of issues is not working, or is harmful to the users, they haven't apologized or shown any form of sympathy to my obvious distress, they haven't responded to my questions in a satisfactory manner (usually the questions are just ignored, or they answer to something I didn't ask.) and there was no closure. It just ended one day. I still cry when I happen to see shows on television where a personal trainer helped a person with weight loss or other things (like MADE in MTV) and how they bid farewells... "It has been nice, I'm going to miss you, I'm sure you'll be all right and do well. Good luck and Godspeed." None of that. Not even as a response to when I said it. (I do have SOME manners.) I felt I was slightly irritating, a nuisance, and they were happy to get rid of me, couldn't wait for me to go and leave them be.

So, yes, THEY did wrong.

And I do react like every sane human being on silent treatment. I feel worthless, deserving the punishment, because it was all my fault that it happened (yes, they said that. Later they apologized for "the unfortunate wording"... not the message conveyed with the words.) and that I am a bad person for bothering these "good people". I feel like an outcast. I feel abandoned, forsaken, disowned... I feel not worthy to be remembered or missed, I feel like I was a bother, a nuisance, a pest.

And I cannot understand what I did to deserve this. Why am I not worth to be treated decently? Why am I not worth the five minutes it would have taken to get a proper closure and farewell? They didn't even bother lying, that's how much worth I am. What did I do wrong? I was being honest, sincere, open, trusting...

     The thing I said was "I have a crush on you". That's the worst part of it... and he didn't say 
     "oh, er, that's really sweet of you, but I'm sorry, as I am your work coach, I have to say 
     goodbye a little bit earlier than intended." He just vanished like fart in Sahara. 
     I feel like Penelope when she showed her face to her suitors and they ran screaming away 
     and jumped through the first window just to get away from her... I told a guy I liked him 
     and he ran screaming away and has not said one word to me after that... and he's 54...
     No, I don't have a snout, but I apparently don't need one to be hideous. 

     And, yes, it hurts my pride and vanity too. 

     But that doesn't make it any better.

I must be a horrible person... disgusting, repulsive... my BDD bursted into flames with this kind of fuel. I'm so ugly people should be protected from being violated by the sight of me. I am everything anyone has said negative about me, childish, whiny, stupid, boring, narcissistic, stinking, nasty... I have no good qualities, nothing to give in a relationship with other human beings, there are no reasons for people to be with me, but all the reasons for not to be with me. I'm going to die alone and lonely, because I'm a shit of a human being, waste of the space I take on earth, and I should really correct this mistake of God, do the world and human kind a service, the only sensible thing, the only thing I can do to make the world a better place, and kill myself.

And I sat in my bed and cried and tried to stop crying because I can't breathe if I cry a lot. My darling husband, my sweetest, my love, my biggest blessing, my dearest, tried to comfort me, fetched me ice pads and water, tried to pat me and hug me and tell me how much he loves me and did everything right. God, I love him. It's so sick that I can feel that way about some stupid, insignificant assholes, when I have this man in my life :-) I should really be singing God's praise 24/7!
But, no, I'm crying my eyes out.

I try to count my blessings, and it's not working.

So - I change the subject. I start thinking about all the things I have pinned on Pinterest, and things I've seen on television, things that has as little as possible to do with me, to move the focus from me to something I can believe is nice and interesting and funny and wonderful. (because how much my husband tries to convince me of that I am one of those things, I cannot believe it when I'm in a deep, black hole.)

Edwardian Farm. I love it.
Discovery Science and Game Changers... I especially loved the guys who made fuel of algae (Jonathan Wolfson and Harrison Dillon and Solazyme)... Or made algae make fuel. And ice cream and face cream and any form of oil/fat possible. Now, that's something!

Anyway, I managed to sleep, and when I went to read my mail this morning, I found this:
"Dear Spectacular Girl,

People are good, so so good. Sometimes people get all mixed up, though....or hurt....or confused...and good people do hurtful things. You might even think that they have become "bad", but usually it's just a good person who has gotten mixed up by something difficult or even devastating going on their life. Sometimes you can't see all of the details behind their actions or decisions, but only the hurtful parts.

Sometimes people hurt us SO BADLY that we never want to trust or associate with another person again. Sometimes we lose our faith in most of the human race.

Please don't let a few bad experiences with others keep you from the rest of the amazing people to be found in the world. We need other people...and other people need us. Isolating ourselves and never trusting another person can truly starve our own souls.

Be brave and reach out. Make boundaries, but let yourself love others, and be loved by others. There are so many incredible, kind souls all around you just waiting to be a part of your life. Just is so much better when shared with others. You have so much to give, and others have so much to give to you.

You are amazing, and you are loved.

Brave Girls Club message for 1st of September.
(Really, join their mailing list. They have managed to say me something I need to hear - spot on, like this one - now almost every day!)

P.S: And, again, I go rambling on, and somewhere during the road I got lost... (I MUST have ADD... X-D) - the dead horse here is that if these people understood that they are indeed abusing me, they would stop. Wouldn't they? Because they are good people, aren't they? They are not hurting me on purpose, but because they don't know they are hurting me, so if I only could make them understand, they would stop!

But - my wise husband is telling me "no". They would not stop, they would not listen to me, because if they did validate my version of what happened, they would need to admit being "bad people", having abused me, and who wants that? It's easier, better for them to keep ignoring me and finding me irritating yapping about stupid things, and believing they did exactly what they were supposed to do, what they have always done, will always do, by the book, and that they did nothing wrong.

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