Thursday, August 30, 2012

I declare sovereignty!

I don't know if you remember me yapping about "this guy" and "those people" and "the thing" that happened about a half a year ago. It was horrible. It was bad. But I think I might start getting over it.
I wrote to the guys a couple of days ago, trying to normalize things. I expected them to answer, in the spirit of "let's pretend the mess never happened, and move on". They never responded. So - the mess happened.
 I suppose they don't understand that THEY are responsible of the mess, and THEY have NEVER taken ANY responsibility of ANY part of what happened, that THEIR praxis of dealing with that kind of things reeks, and THEY need to change it to avoid hurting more people. THEY have NEVER acknowledged the mental damage they caused me, nor have THEY apologized or shown ANY measure of compassion or altruism to my suffering... that THEY caused.
So I have been giving THEM a chance to do better...
And the fact that they refuse to take it shows that THEY think they have done nothing wrong! In spite of me telling them exactly what they did wrong and how they could fix it, they refuse to admit any wrong doing.

Until today, when I realized that human beings are a fear-based lifeform.
That's why the Law of Jante exists.
It was essential for the early human beings to be suspicious and careful, to stay low and keep the rest of the group low too. The modern human being, with no natural (or unnatural) enemies still act on that, so everyone who is different, sticks up, makes noise, must be silenced and leveled as quickly as possible, because that kind of behavior would have endangered the whole primal human group's safety.

It's just another facet of the social behavior I have been talking about earlier, about how neurodifferent people are labeled as socially awkward, socially inept, socially incompetent, lacking theory of mind. We don't play the social games, because we see no reason to play them.That they are being played is not a good enough reason. That there are negative consequences of not playing, is not a good enough reason either.

So - today I realized these guys are afraid. They are not talking to me because they are scared of me. Scared of the consequences, scared of their own inability to deal with the consequences... and there is nothing I can do or say to show I'm harmless.
Because I am not.

Then I read a blog entry of sweet, beloved Daphne, about body sovereignty...
and realized that I really, really, really cannot force these guys to grow. I can't waste time and effort and thoughts on them anymore. They have shown that they don't want to change, they can't change, they don't want my help, my concern... they are happy with their being as it is, even though *I* can clearly see that the world they are so scared of, isn't that dangerous. Even though I thought they had heard me, had been listening to me enough to know, I might be scary, my ideas might be scary, but they lead to a whole new world full of possibilities...

And then I realized that *I* have been refusing the possibility as well! I am so not happy with my life as it is.
Sure, it hurts when the buds burst oped, but refusing the bloom hurts more... and it's ME who is not allowing myself to bloom! No-one else. Because no-one else has the power!
Sure, the world is full of stupid people, who will try to protect the group and put me down, one way or another. Law of Jante exists and is strong. But isn't part of the joy of living overcoming the limits, even when the limit is Law of Jante? The inborn social fear of the whole mankind? But think of the price... Think about why you are doing this...
Do you really think it's better to let the stupid, scaredy people push you down into a miserable existence that cannot be called life, at least not life worth living, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU KNOW THAT IF THEY MANAGE, THEY WON'T THANK YOU FOR BEING A "GOOD GIRL". No, you won't get rewarded, you will be watched with suspicion, because you dared to try to break the cage. You are unreliable, dangerous, a threat to a normal society, so you need to be kept in tight reigns. They won't ever, ever, ever let you become anything more than you are right now. Is that really what you want from your life?


Because you are worth it.

"Yes pain is what’s felt when buds burst open" by Karin Boye

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