Anything you can do, I can do better...

I enjoy reading Regretsy. I have explained that elsewhere, but as an artist and artisan, I don't find it "wonderful" when people try to push crap as "art" or "handmade item".
Even though it is so that "if you can't call it anything else, it's art" - which definition I gave art at artisan school, I have plenty of names for most of the things at Regretsy, and none of them is art...

Now, there is this semifamous person, whose best friend is dating a more famous person, and this person likes to do things... she has a couple of shops at Etsy, where she sells... well... not too badly made art and crafts. It's not GOOD, don't get me wrong, but it's not bad either. Now, that I can do better any day, blindfolded and one arm tied behind my back, but to me that would be no challenge either...

So - could I do anything she does better? ANYTHING she does?

Okay... she is a "glamour model". (A really silly name for page 3 girls). Her BMI is 18.5 and she is physically fit.
I am not. I am so far from being a glamour model anyone can be; I'm not even the shape fat pin-ups have.

You know - either pear or hourglass. I'm the classic top-heavy mother-in-law or controlling wife from the 50's cartoons. I'm more of a shape of a very fat carrot... I have wide shoulders and chest, and my hips are more V than A or O...

 Here's what I have to work with...

I'm no glamour model :-D

So - I need to get my weight down from the 103 it is now to 53 kilos. That's loosing half of me...
Then I need to get fit. I assume both of these are reached at the same time ;-)

I will not become a glamour model even to prove "anything you can do, I can do better", but I would love to do this...

"a woman who not only shoots incredibly photographs, but makes incredible costumes, as well as does incredible hair and makeup..." "...Enter Viona, who is herself some strange, mystical, unearthly being.  She is modelesque, with an incredible face, and poses in many of her own photos.  It also appears that every one of her friends is also modelesque, were born seamstresses, and all do great hair and makeup.  To add to the bizarre soup of it all, they're all German, who speak perfect English, and travel the world taking surreal pictures.  They have the ability to attach horns to their head, wear fur and look stunning, obtain and successfully sport colored contacts, and apply gallons of liquid eyeliner with no flaw nor shakey hand whatsoever."

Yep. That's what I am going to shoot at. Having a body that WOULD be good for "glamour" photos, but not do it... or do it a bit differently. Like this girl, or this, or this, or this, or this, or this or this, or this... oh, so beautiful :-) 

Also, the "almost famous person" calls herself a sing-a-songwriter and guru, says she likes to desgin, and has video tutorials on all kinds of things; make-up, food and DIY stuff. She isn't very good at cooking or singing, but make-up she knows how to apply. So that I really need to learn.
Michelle Phan is my idol :-) She is so cute and pretty and funny and skilled... she makes it look so easy :-)

So - loose weight, get fit, learn to apply make-up, make my hair, sew corsets, take photos, write songs and learn to sing better, and then make a series of foody videos for YouTube in the style of Nigella Lawson, Annabel Longbein, Rachael Ray and Jamie Oliver :-D In this company "naked chef" might mean something slightly different than what Jamie meant :-D

But - at least I know that if I WANT to do it, I'm MEANT to do it :-)

Black Swan and how "it" feels...

I saw a sign... "nothing tastes as good as thin feels". I wouldn't know.
I am still "hungry" all the time. I haven't been able to follow any of my "rules", I haven't managed to start Atkins again, and I'm still in pain and snoring, so - obviously I haven't yet made up my mind.

what ever.

I watched a discussion between the interviewer, the movie critic and the prima ballerina about Black Swan. Many ballerinas, primas and less so, have been complaining about the director's decision to let Natalie Portman to keep her mind, and dance herself. She practiced a year. Yes, she can dance ballet, but she isn't that good at it. Even I can see it, and I can't dance. I wish I could...

Obviously I have a "Greek" foot. My big toe is shorter than the one next to it. Oh well. That means I need to pad my pointe shoes.

I just want to dance... I understand why people decided to stand on their toes... it is the closest we get to flying...

I actually thought they stand on the "knuckles" of the feet... but they do stand on the big toe... fascinating.

These feet belong to Paloma Herrera...

"Though beautiful, pointe work is very painful.
Many injuries result from the force being put on the feet and toes.
These injuries can be minor, such as blisters, or major, such as a broken ankle.
Other injuries caused by pointe shoes are bunions, ingrown toenails, tendonitis, os trigonum syndrome, osteoarthritis, and stress fractures."

No... they are not pretty. But she is...

Ah... one day...

Bigger than ever...

I weigh about 105 kilos at the moment. We - my husband and I - were supposed to start Atkins today, but it didn't happen.

I have got a diagnosis: I have fibromyalgia.

About "57 ways to ease your pain"
There are no 57 ways to ease pain mentioned. What they do mention is:
- massage
- hypnosis; self-suggestions, affirmations
- guided imagery; meditation, relaxing, other anti-anxiety and anti-stress exercises
- deep breathing
- acupuncture
- biofeedback
- hydrotherapy
- physical therapy; yoga, stretching, Pilates; regular exercise
- posture work
- TENS

- medication
- chiropractor/orthopedy
- eating certain things, avoiding certain other things
- simple distraction, like reading, listening to music etc.
- aromatherapy

I say:
1) Loose weight.
Now, all these statistics and tables and charts are mostly something one cannot trust 100%, but one doesn't need to be a rocket scientist to know, that if you are 168 cm (5'6) and weigh over 100 kilos, you weigh way too much. It doesn't matter that the different charts tell your ideal weight is anything from 55-75 kilos, and thus you cannot know what your precise ideal weight is, what matters is that you should weigh under 80 kilos anyway. If it is 75, 65 or 55 kilos that's something only you can tell - think about when you were feeling the best and what did you weigh then. That's your ideal weight.

2) Exercise regularly

3) Stretch - yoga, Pilates etc

4) sleep as well as you can
Find out if you suffer from sleep apnea. It is easily treated and can be a cause of at least some of your pain.

5) breathe
Someone said that we breathe twice as quickly today as 100 years ago...
Here's some breathing exercises.

6) Laugh
8 ways to laugh more

7) food.
Some people have found that sugar and high carb foods make it worse, some people react negatively on meat, some on all "nightshade plants" (tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, paprika and eggplant).
Some find relief in ginger, chili or curcumin. (Curry has been good for some people).
Here's Anti-fungal & Anti-Yeast Diet (naturally, bread is a huge no-no in this and not even mentioned and vinegar doesn't contain mold or yeast, on the contrary. Also, soy sauce doesn't contain vinegar.)
You could also be intolerant/oversensitive/allergic to some food. To find out what, keep a food diary. If some food causes itching, swolling, stomach problems, even a runny nose, you should avoid eating that.
Find out how you react.

8) learn to deal with stress and anxiety

Second day with Atkins, again.
103.5 kilos.
Mood: sad

I reread what I had written some time ago. The 17 tips I give still count.

Blah...

I feel absolutely horrible.
I weigh 105 kilos now. I just want to eat. Eat, eat, eat... I want candy, I want fresh bread with jam and butter, I want pancakes, pasta with creamy sauce, sausages with bread and butter... I want brownies, pie, cake and desserts, I want...
I need to lose weight. I have been steadily GAINING weight since this weight loss project started. I have been giving in to every whim and fancy, eating what I want, when I want and also when I'm bored or have nothing else to do.
I feel lowsy... Not because I'm fat and can't lose weight, that's ok. But because I'm really, really, really horribly depressed, sad, miserable, with a dash of anxiety and apathy, if that's even possible. All I really want to do is sleep and lie down staring at the ceiling and sleep some more.
And I can't do that. Because then I will be eating.

I told myself yesterday that no overweight person is ever hungry. Not really. It's just the body's effort to keep the weight it has, how ever harmful that is to the body itself. That's the way we have been programmed. Also, most fat people are undernourished. Naturally, as we mostly eat carbs and fat. There isn't that much nutrition in carbs and fat. So, I'm taking my vitamins and drinking my water and writing a list of things I'm going to eat when I'm back at 80 kilos.

I'll get under BMI 35 at 98 kilos, BMI 30 is at 84 kilos, and 70 kilos is just under BMI 25. I know the problems with BMI, but in my situation that's good enough.
First I want back under 100 kilos. Then I want back to BMI 20-something, even if it's 29.8 Then  want under BMI 25 and then under 70 kilos.

I don't remember being under 70 kilos my adult life... It's weird, because I was size 42 in gymnasium. (US 8, UK 12, High School, age 18). I was an athlete, which means that was mostly muscle, and I was pretty slim... I look at my photos and I'm amazed by how thin I look... But my sisters were smaller, my class mates were smaller, and I had the idea that I was a fat pig already then... I still remember how my sister was talking about my weight with another sister in telephone, about how quickly I eat and how I get fatter and fatter all the time...
I remember coming home from school, and how there was nothing much to eat, so I made myself something, and usually it was something with sugar. Oh, how I want to go to the kitchen and boil myself a batch of fudge right now... How I wish there had been someone to see I had a healthy snack waiting.
I have Asperger's and that makes me really picky with food, and I didn't like school food, so I was hungry like a wolf when I got home from school.

I'm bitter and sad. I can't do this. I am tired and sad. I don't even have money enough to buy myself something enjoyable. I don't like bathing and spa. I have no serenity to sit down and read. I can't afford buying craft materials, and the damn moths and carpet beetles are eating their way through my stash quicker than I can knit and crochet it, and they also eat their way through my creations. I have been forced to throw away all the sock I've knitted, because they are so full of holes one cannot mend them. I'd like to do some scrapbooking, but... it's not fun without all the stamps and stickers and papers and pens and scissors and cutters and stuff. I can't do this because I have no that, and so on and so forth.
I could do art. I don't feel like doing art. I think I'm unimaginative, not very good at it, and I don't know what to do. Sure, I could sit here and copy, copy, copy, draw animals and so on... really cute. People might perhaps even buy those things. I'm not that bad. But I want to get into Konstfack/Taideteollinen korkeakoulu, and...

I will never become anything, and that hurts. Right now I wonder if there ever was anything worth anything, ever, in me, or did I waste all my talents and gifts in doing nothing?

Why couldn't I get in school already when I was 18? What was wrong with me? How was I lacking? How could I improve when I don't know what is missing? How could I mend the problem when I don't know what it is? How could I change when I don't know what's wrong? I can't... and I won't, and I won't ever get in the K/T and I will never become anything more than I'm now. Senttaali-Sanna. Sadan kilon keijukainen. Tenth ton piece of worthless blob.

Also, I won nothing in OWOH this year either. Right now I cannot think of anything fun and enjoyable, except eating, and that I may not do, because I weight 105 kilos...

New year, old deeds...

It's 2011 and I weigh 104 kilos. I have never been this heavy in my life. I can barely breath, I suffer from sleep apnea, which causes me to be tired all the time, irritable, depressed, I am losing my memory and concentration, higher blood pressure, heart problems... and all kinds of other things.
Obesity itself causes
•    ischemic heart disease: angina and myocardial infarction
•    congestive heart failure
•    high blood pressure
•    abnormal cholesterol levels
•    deep vein thrombosis and pulmonary embolism
•    diabetes mellitus
•    polycystic ovarian syndrome
•    menstrual disorders
•    infertility
•    complications during pregnancy
•    birth defects
•    intrauterine fetal death
•    stroke
•    meralgia paresthetica
•    migraines
•    carpal tunnel syndrome
•    dementia
•    idiopathic intracranial hypertension
•    multiple sclerosis
•    depression
•    social stigmatization
•    gout
•    poor mobility
•    osteoarthritis
•    low back pain
•    stretch marks
•    acanthosis nigricans
•    lymphedema
•    cellulitis
•    hirsutism
•    intertrigo
•    gastroesophageal reflux disease
•    fatty liver disease
•    cholelithiasis (gallstones)
•    obstructive sleep apnea
•    obesity hypoventilation syndrome
•    asthma
•    increased complications during general anaesthesia
•    erectile dysfunction
•    urinary incontinence
•    chronic renal failure
•    hypogonadism
cancer;
•    breast, ovarian
•    esophageal, colorectal
•    liver, pancreatic
•    gallbladder, stomach
•    endometrial, cervical
•    prostate, kidney
•    non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, multiple myeloma

I MUST loose weight. I NEED to loose weight. I WANT to loose weight. But for some reason I don't get this. My wrists hr like hll every day, I have asthma and sleep apnea, my blood pressure is getting quite high, and STILL I DON'T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY.

I know EXACTLY what I need to do right now. Eat less, move more. It really is that simple. But I don't do that. For some weird, sick, wicked reason I don't...
I complain about being sick, I mourn about all the things I cannot do anymore, but I do nothing to change the situation.
All that is something that happens to someone else, not me, even though
IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED TO ME.

Also, I think I'm ugly because of this. I don't want to be ugly.
Being size 50 means 90% of commercial fashion is not available for me. If I want clothes I like I have to make them. And it won't look as nice as when slim people are wearing it.

Why do I eat? Because I can. Because it's "affordable luxury", pleasure, joy, positive sensual experience...
Because I can do it at home.

Why don't I move? It's uncomfortable, even painful to move. It takes time, you can't do other things when you "move". I can't use the internet and exercise, I can't read a book and exercise, I can't craft and exercise...

But I'm dying... Can't do any of those things when I'm dead either.

Ok...

The next day after weighing 103,7 kilos, I weighed 102.7 (226 pounds). It was on the peak of my menstruation, so I was probably more "moist" than usually. One can think the kilo was pure water.

The mystery is that I weigh the same today, 102,7.
My waist is 43 inches in the narrowest place, making my approximate fat percentage about 37%
I have been avoiding sugar, white wheat and sandwiches, and exercising every day. I have exercised at least half an hour every day.

AND NOTHING HAPPENS!!!

Really. Why bother doing anything. *sigh*
I'm going to give this one more week, but if I still weigh over 102 kilos, I'll give up.
I NEED to see some results.