Friday, February 18, 2011


I feel absolutely horrible.
I weigh 105 kilos now. I just want to eat. Eat, eat, eat... I want candy, I want fresh bread with jam and butter, I want pancakes, pasta with creamy sauce, sausages with bread and butter... I want brownies, pie, cake and desserts, I want...
I need to lose weight. I have been steadily GAINING weight since this weight loss project started. I have been giving in to every whim and fancy, eating what I want, when I want and also when I'm bored or have nothing else to do.
I feel lowsy... Not because I'm fat and can't lose weight, that's ok. But because I'm really, really, really horribly depressed, sad, miserable, with a dash of anxiety and apathy, if that's even possible. All I really want to do is sleep and lie down staring at the ceiling and sleep some more.
And I can't do that. Because then I will be eating.

I told myself yesterday that no overweight person is ever hungry. Not really. It's just the body's effort to keep the weight it has, how ever harmful that is to the body itself. That's the way we have been programmed. Also, most fat people are undernourished. Naturally, as we mostly eat carbs and fat. There isn't that much nutrition in carbs and fat. So, I'm taking my vitamins and drinking my water and writing a list of things I'm going to eat when I'm back at 80 kilos.

I'll get under BMI 35 at 98 kilos, BMI 30 is at 84 kilos, and 70 kilos is just under BMI 25. I know the problems with BMI, but in my situation that's good enough.
First I want back under 100 kilos. Then I want back to BMI 20-something, even if it's 29.8 Then  want under BMI 25 and then under 70 kilos.

I don't remember being under 70 kilos my adult life... It's weird, because I was size 42 in gymnasium. (US 8, UK 12, High School, age 18). I was an athlete, which means that was mostly muscle, and I was pretty slim... I look at my photos and I'm amazed by how thin I look... But my sisters were smaller, my class mates were smaller, and I had the idea that I was a fat pig already then... I still remember how my sister was talking about my weight with another sister in telephone, about how quickly I eat and how I get fatter and fatter all the time...
I remember coming home from school, and how there was nothing much to eat, so I made myself something, and usually it was something with sugar. Oh, how I want to go to the kitchen and boil myself a batch of fudge right now... How I wish there had been someone to see I had a healthy snack waiting.
I have Asperger's and that makes me really picky with food, and I didn't like school food, so I was hungry like a wolf when I got home from school.

I'm bitter and sad. I can't do this. I am tired and sad. I don't even have money enough to buy myself something enjoyable. I don't like bathing and spa. I have no serenity to sit down and read. I can't afford buying craft materials, and the damn moths and carpet beetles are eating their way through my stash quicker than I can knit and crochet it, and they also eat their way through my creations. I have been forced to throw away all the sock I've knitted, because they are so full of holes one cannot mend them. I'd like to do some scrapbooking, but... it's not fun without all the stamps and stickers and papers and pens and scissors and cutters and stuff. I can't do this because I have no that, and so on and so forth.
I could do art. I don't feel like doing art. I think I'm unimaginative, not very good at it, and I don't know what to do. Sure, I could sit here and copy, copy, copy, draw animals and so on... really cute. People might perhaps even buy those things. I'm not that bad. But I want to get into Konstfack/Taideteollinen korkeakoulu, and...

I will never become anything, and that hurts. Right now I wonder if there ever was anything worth anything, ever, in me, or did I waste all my talents and gifts in doing nothing?

Why couldn't I get in school already when I was 18? What was wrong with me? How was I lacking? How could I improve when I don't know what is missing? How could I mend the problem when I don't know what it is? How could I change when I don't know what's wrong? I can't... and I won't, and I won't ever get in the K/T and I will never become anything more than I'm now. Senttaali-Sanna. Sadan kilon keijukainen. Tenth ton piece of worthless blob.

Also, I won nothing in OWOH this year either. Right now I cannot think of anything fun and enjoyable, except eating, and that I may not do, because I weight 105 kilos...

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