New year, old deeds...

It's 2011 and I weigh 104 kilos. I have never been this heavy in my life. I can barely breath, I suffer from sleep apnea, which causes me to be tired all the time, irritable, depressed, I am losing my memory and concentration, higher blood pressure, heart problems... and all kinds of other things.
Obesity itself causes
•    ischemic heart disease: angina and myocardial infarction
•    congestive heart failure
•    high blood pressure
•    abnormal cholesterol levels
•    deep vein thrombosis and pulmonary embolism
•    diabetes mellitus
•    polycystic ovarian syndrome
•    menstrual disorders
•    infertility
•    complications during pregnancy
•    birth defects
•    intrauterine fetal death
•    stroke
•    meralgia paresthetica
•    migraines
•    carpal tunnel syndrome
•    dementia
•    idiopathic intracranial hypertension
•    multiple sclerosis
•    depression
•    social stigmatization
•    gout
•    poor mobility
•    osteoarthritis
•    low back pain
•    stretch marks
•    acanthosis nigricans
•    lymphedema
•    cellulitis
•    hirsutism
•    intertrigo
•    gastroesophageal reflux disease
•    fatty liver disease
•    cholelithiasis (gallstones)
•    obstructive sleep apnea
•    obesity hypoventilation syndrome
•    asthma
•    increased complications during general anaesthesia
•    erectile dysfunction
•    urinary incontinence
•    chronic renal failure
•    hypogonadism
cancer;
•    breast, ovarian
•    esophageal, colorectal
•    liver, pancreatic
•    gallbladder, stomach
•    endometrial, cervical
•    prostate, kidney
•    non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, multiple myeloma

I MUST loose weight. I NEED to loose weight. I WANT to loose weight. But for some reason I don't get this. My wrists hr like hll every day, I have asthma and sleep apnea, my blood pressure is getting quite high, and STILL I DON'T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY.

I know EXACTLY what I need to do right now. Eat less, move more. It really is that simple. But I don't do that. For some weird, sick, wicked reason I don't...
I complain about being sick, I mourn about all the things I cannot do anymore, but I do nothing to change the situation.
All that is something that happens to someone else, not me, even though
IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED TO ME.

Also, I think I'm ugly because of this. I don't want to be ugly.
Being size 50 means 90% of commercial fashion is not available for me. If I want clothes I like I have to make them. And it won't look as nice as when slim people are wearing it.

Why do I eat? Because I can. Because it's "affordable luxury", pleasure, joy, positive sensual experience...
Because I can do it at home.

Why don't I move? It's uncomfortable, even painful to move. It takes time, you can't do other things when you "move". I can't use the internet and exercise, I can't read a book and exercise, I can't craft and exercise...

But I'm dying... Can't do any of those things when I'm dead either.