Don't quit

"Think of a time when you almost gave up... almost quit... almost threw in the towel... but decided to just give it one more shot.
Where did that decision take you?"

More heartache, no resolution, nothing I wanted, more confirmation of that I'm worthless, ugly, disgusting... More fear. I am hiding from the world and licking my wounds, not daring to go out there, because it f-ing hurts.

"Now think today about something that you are ready to throw out the window... something that meant the world to you at one time... or maybe it still does... maybe it's someONE who meant the world to you. Maybe, just maybe... it would be totally worth it to give it one more shot, to keep going... what do you have to lose?"

What do I have to lose? My life as I know it. It might not be perfect, but it's a good life, and losing it I would lose worthy "things". But I know I would have a good life full of worthy "things", even when they'd be different "things"...

I believe the things we notice are messages from the Universe... this message hit a string in my soul. So... what if... if I don't give up, if I don't quit, but keep pushing, keep trying, I'll get what I want?

But... what if it is because I want the dream, the illusion to be true? This message is telling me to keep going, to keep smashing my head against the wall, because the wall is going to fall... But what if my head breaks before the wall?
What if I'm not giving up on someone, but letting go of someone?
What if that thing I can't imagine being fully alive without is something that is in reality harming me?

Then I received this:

Uh. I NEED to become like he is to get what I want in life... and I love being with him... so I want him to be one of the five people.
So - do I keep pushing for something that isn't really good for me, do I keep pushing my will against everything, causing havoc in the lives of at least 4 people, probably even more through the ripples, just to satisfy this obsession of mine?
Is it an obsession because it is meant to be?
If it's meant to be, I can't influence the outcome whether I act or not, because it's meant to be...
But what if... what if I am suppose to act? What if this is incentive from God to get me active? 

I'm going into pieces.

And this: Unbreak my heart at Pinterest