Saturday, September 11, 2010

I hate this

I am desperately trying to avoid getting all depressed, by working on my writing, but it isn't working.
I am feeling hopeless. I have Asperger's. I know people with Asperger's are able to work almost like "normal" people, but... I don't want to. I have been trying for 40 years and it's just not working. It's like when you are learning foreign languages. There comes a point when you are so good at the new language, that people forget it's a foreign language to you, and they expect the same of you as of anyone speaking the language as their mothertongue.
I speak "social" almost fluently, and people expect me to be fluent in it. It is still strange to me, difficult, foreign, alien... I will get punished because I don't speak - or understand - it fluently, by people not wanting to be with me and do things with me. So I don't do things.
Now I'm tired of even trying to "talk social".
I am tired trying to get along with people, try to negotiate and compromise and make deals and get out of the communication what I need.

I have been exercising and eating ok for three days now, and it doesn't show anywhere. It feels totally useless. Why would I refuse myself some of the joys of life for nothing? Right now it is for nothing. I have been trying to change my weight for 20 years now, and I weigh more than 20 years ago. I weigh about 30 kilos more today than 20 years ago.

I started eating unhealthy things when I was a teenager, because I was lonely. I'm still eating unhealthy things because I am lonely. I am married, to another lonely person, and it feels like we are parts of one lonely entity. He is sick too, carrying his own burdens, that make it difficult and often practically impossible to do anything else but potter inside and try to make time pass. You don't need to be fit and thin to write, read, watch television and play with the computer.

I try to loose some weight to see if my pain would go away with the weight. It might well be some sort of nerves in jam in my neck due to my obesity that makes the fingers ache. But... my life stinks, even after I have tried doing something to change it. My fingers ache, but now my legs are killing me too, because I have been walking and jogging, and I weigh 100 kilos.

I have never had normal weight in my adulthood. I don't know what it is like. To me the choice to sweat, ache and cry now so that I may have the energy to do things or live longer is totally idiotic. No choice at all.
Live longer? For what? Why? What's so great about life, so that one would want to live to be 70, 80, 90, 100 or older? I watch my parents who are 75 and have all kinds of health problems. I read Katherine Hepburn's biography, and she, a woman who had been fit all her life, had all kinds of problems. Even the best of us will get old, weak and sick. What's so great about that?
I suppose I will spent the rest of my life the same way I have spent the life so far. Sitting home, reading, writing, creating, watching television, playing with the computer... And I have all the energy needed for that already.

So, to me the choice is having something tangible, real, enjoyable now, or denying that from myself, perhaps even do something difficult, heavy, painful and sweaty. so that PERHAPS some day in the future THAT NEVER COMES I would... what? WHAT?! Because it is not said my pain is because of my overweight. It CAN be fibromyalgia, and then I would be thin and fit and in pain, sitting by my computer, writing, reading, watching television and playing. Having denied myself a huge part of what I consider being luxury and luxury I can afford, for NOTHING.

I know I feel physically crap, and it MIGHT change if I lost weight, but this is the only reality I know, and even when it's not fun, it's tolerable. Acceptable. I cannot see how it would be any better if I lost 40 kilos and exercised and was fit, like I was when I was a teenager. I mean... I didn't have these pains, but I didn't have any friends either, or anything to do except read, write, create, watch television and play with the computer. Or, to be honest, I didn't have a computer and internet then, because I was a teenager in the 80's, and even though internet is about as old as I am, it didn't became even close to what it is now before late 90's.

I would like to practice martial arts, though, and my main excuse not to do that, is that I'm not fit... but... I am also a middle-aged woman with Asperger's, social phobia, panic anxiety and inherited bad knees... I don't think I would do anything about it even if I was fit.

I think I hate my life more than myself.

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