Sunday, August 4, 2019

I tried this thing...

I have been pinning things on Pinterest about fitness and sports and stuff. I love dancing, I love parkour, I love moving my body and using my muscles and such things.
So - I have been pinning some workout videos, and today I decided to stop pinning and start doing.
I chose a video, it looked easy enough, they said it was easy, and probably it is... but I couldn't do it.
And I panicked.
I tried to hang on, but while I was trying to figure out what her legs did, she did something with her arms, and moved on, so when I was ready to do what she did with her arms, she has moved on to the next movement, and after JUST FOUR MINUTES I was two moves behind, and completely lost, confused, and bewildered, at the brink of tears and panicking.
I just wanted to quit and run and hide in shame - and go sit in my bed and do nothing, but eat. I want pizza. Junkfood. Candy. I want to go back to my childhood and not care about anything.

You see, I am good. I am very good. I can do most things at first try. Especially physical things. So when things don't happen, when things aren't easy, when I don't succeed at first try, I get shocked and don't know what to do about it. And I give up. I quit. I have done that for 50 years now. Taken the easy way out.
But no more. I will not quit. I am not 16 with physical fitness of an Olympic athlete. (Yes, I was that 34 years ago. I just didn't know it at the time. I wish someone had known. Someone who had known what to do with it. I would have been a great heptathlete.)
I am 50, I am about twice as heavy as I should be, I am sick and I haven't done much anything about my fitness since my father died 2014.

 So - I got so upset and panicky I had to stop and go away and walk it out.
But... I didn't want to quit. I wanted to finish it. So I got back and tried to take it slower. 50% of time was too fast, and I got back into panic.
I don't want to quit! Not this time! Never again!
I will do this! It is not difficult. Hundreds of people are doing it! I will, too. Might not be able to do it now, today, but I will take it on again tomorrow, and see how far I get, and this time I'll start in 25% without sound, and learn the choreography, how ever simple it is and how ever stupid I feel, because I WILL NOT QUIT. Quitting is not an option anymore.

After I decided that, I went to my rowing machine and rowed three sets of my maximum. Which is only 1 minute of rowing, but it will grow. I will not quit. Not this time, not ever again.

I just saw an episode of --- and there was this woman who was a ---... and the more I watched, the more I disliked her. So... she just blurted out something as something she wants to do, and she got to do it. But... she didn't seem to think much of it, not really want to do it, didn't seem to appreciate it much and hasn't mentioned it since. Or then, either. Anyway, I kind of forgot all about that during the show, and in the end, when they presented her, they presented her as a --- and I just about died.
Because it is true. She is a ---. I am not.
It is so unfair! She got it for free! I can't even imagine how I ever could. :'(

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