Thursday, August 15, 2019

I don't believe in my dream :-(

That's my biggest problem. Self-image.

I mean... you remember that photo last time. I was 15 in that photo. It was my confirmation. I believed I was fat already then. I weighed almost 70 kilos. I was size 42. I was the only person I knew over 40, except for other fat people. The dress I'm wearing is a new one. I didn't fit in the old one, the dress all three of my elder sisters had used...  I was superfit. I mean, my result for Cooper's test at that time was 3200 meters. That's about as good as it gets. There was another girl who run a couple of hundred meters more, but the rest were several laps behind us. The thing that still surprises me is that... it meant nothing. The teacher didn't say anything, she just recorded the results, and it didn't show in my physical education grade. I learned only a couple of years ago how extraordinary that is. Anyway, those 70 kilos were mostly muscles. I had wide shoulders and back, thighs like tree trunks - and I felt big and ugly and fat.
I also have short, thick neck. Enhances the fat impression.
I also got into puberty at 12, and have big boobs. As you can see from this photo of me as 18 years old.
I mean... I understand why I thought I was fat.
What I don't understand is why no-one told me I wasn't. I remember my big sister saying "even your toes are fat". I was about 15 or so. Another sister was freezing, and my cousin referred to me, wearing just shorts, and that I wasn't freezing, and my sister said "she has all that isolation". Meaning fat. I was 16-17. I once overheard my sister speaking to another sister in the phone about how quickly I eat and that she has tried to stop me. And that I had surpassed "the magical 70 kilos". I look at that photo, I look at that curve under the breast, and how the fabric goes smoothly down over my tummy... what tummy?

I get so bitter and sad about all this.
Another thing... that girl had never been kissed. No-one had even tried.
Ugly and fat. (What? Seriously? Yeah. That's what I thought then and still do.)

The thing is that... if I was fat and ugly when I was in the best condition of my life, and I looked like that and run 2 miles in 12 minutes... I will be fat and ugly rest of my life. There's nothing I can do to not be fat and ugly. It scares me.
I mean, if people are going to see me and treat me as I was fat and ugly, I could as well get the benefits, and enjoy all I can eat buffet of delicious, fatty, sugary carbs and bacon and all that. And just slouch on the couch all days and watch telly and surf and do nothing. It's bothersome to exercise. Muscles get sore. Running unfit hurts. It hurts your feet, it hurts your lungs, it feels like your heart is going to burst out of your chest and veins burst and you get the blood taste in your mouth, and then it's sweaty and uncomfortable, and all the blubber gets in the way, and makes it hard to bend. And breathe when you are bent.
But... I am not doing this (losing weight and improving my fitness) to get praise or so that people would like me and want to be with me. I'm just looking at all these happy social fit people doing all kinds of fun things together, and talking about their trainers and whatnots. How do you get a trainer?
And I get distracted by that.

I am not doing this to be seen as pretty and skinny and fit and all that.
I am not doing this to get friends and... I don't know, internet fame and to be able to make viral videos of me being so flexible and whatnot. There's plenty of young people doing that. And even though it might be a good idea to add some middle-aged people doing all that in the mix, NO! I AM NOT DOING THIS FOR THAT!

I am doing this to get lighter so that my body doesn't need to carry around so much and things will be easier for me.
I am doing this to be able to DO things. I want to do things like climbing and parkour and dancing and all that without needing to stop to breathe every 5 seconds.
I am doing this to me.

And, of course, it would be nice to have the other things too :-D
Though I think the most amazing thing that could happen is if I could watch myself in the mirror and admire what I see... I don't even dare to think about that. To see me and not see all the problems and wrongs and bad things, things I don't like...

But - I don't believe I will. I don't believe I will lose weight. I don't believe I will ever be able to do any of those things. I don't believe I'll ever look in the mirror and like what I see.
That girl over there... that's not me. I couldn't possibly ever have been that cute. And pretty. And that body looks very nice.

So - that's my biggest obstacle here. I know everything is possible, if I just believe, but I have to believe it 24/7 with my whole being.

There was this guy who got 20 cm taller...

1 comment:

  1. Please check this out (even if you first think it's crazy) , you need to change your diet to loose weight, get and stay healthy.