I have feeling really bad lately.
The worse I feel, the worse I take care of myself, and the worse I feel...
It is an evil circle.
I have gained about 20 kilos this year. Some time last January I gave up and started eating what ever I wanted when I wanted. And apparently I wanted to eat sugar. I have been eating carbs the whole year.
And it shows in my health as well. I have been aching more than before this whole year.
I hate myself.
And that shows in my dreams.
I have always been very easily influenced by my dreams.
Last night I dreamed I was on a summer camp, and they had planned this little game, where all the boys were in one group and all the girls in another, and then they'd pick randomly one girl and one thing to do, and I was to be kissed by one of the boys.
And not one wanted to do that.
I ran away and my sister-in-law ran after me and told me that maybe if I was nicer...
That it's my own fault no-one wants to kiss me.
I got up and was very determined to do something about this whole situation I'm living in, and I was sitting on the toilet when my tears started running down my face. I brushed my teeth and sobbed.
I can't imagine any reason why anyone would care about me.
I feel ugly and disgusting and worthless.