Sunday, November 22, 2015

An evil circle

I have feeling really bad lately.
The worse I feel, the worse I take care of myself, and the worse I feel...
It is an evil circle.
I have gained about 20 kilos this year. Some time last January I gave up and started eating what ever I wanted when I wanted. And apparently I wanted to eat sugar. I have been eating carbs the whole year.
It shows.
And it shows in my health as well. I have been aching more than before this whole year.
I hate myself.
And that shows in my dreams.
I have always been very easily influenced by my dreams.
Last night I dreamed I was on a summer camp, and they had planned this little game, where all the boys were in one group and all the girls in another, and then they'd pick randomly one girl and one thing to do, and I was to be kissed by one of the boys.
And not one wanted to do that.
I ran away and my sister-in-law ran after me and told me that maybe if I was nicer...
That it's my own fault no-one wants to kiss me.

I got up and was very determined to do something about this whole situation I'm living in, and I was sitting on the toilet when my tears started running down my face. I brushed my teeth and sobbed.

I can't imagine any reason why anyone would care about me.
I feel ugly and disgusting and worthless.

1 comment:

  1. I just discovered your blog. I am interested in the Kibbe types. I think you are very intelligent and do a great job discussing them here. I myself have struggled with physical health and depression. I have to tell you, you are not disgusting and worthless! Just the way you are, you are loveable. I believe God is a loving father, and he thinks you are beautiful, and he wants you to be well. Based on my health journey, and what I have read and learned, i highly recommend the paleo diet, especially the 'autoimmune protocol'. I bet you could feel so much better if you get free of the carbs and get back to your clean eating as you described it in the blog. I will pray for your wellness right after i send this. I hope you get better and get back to blogging!