Saturday, June 8, 2013

Thousands of things to do...

Yesterday I took my ordinary 5K walk through the forest, and at 1K I was met by two runners... a man and a woman. Beautiful people.
And I was overflowed with hatred and anger and envy.

Then I started pitying myself. I will never have anyone to run with.

Then I remembered
"Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.”
― Henry Ford 
and tried to believe...

But I really cannot even imagine anyone wanting to ever run with me. I just keep thinking about that guy I have mentioned a couple of times... and I was thinking about the fertility doctor, who was talking about the possibility to have a child with totally different talents and aspirations, for example, the child could be athletic. And I remembered myself as a child and almost burst out laughing.
Yes, I am in a really bad shape, fat and tired and sick, so it might not be easy for others to see me as a sporting type, but... I can't understand why people never saw me as someone to do things with. I have always been someone people tell stories about all the things they have done.
The idea of being in a good enough shape to actually be able to keep up with someone else, that is a little more achievable dream. I have been in good enough shape to run 3200 at Cooper's test. When I was 14. I have done that. So I know I can do that.
Sure, I'm over 40, and it will take more work, but I have all the time in the world.

I don't want to be alone. I see the future being a long, long stretch of loneliness, needing to do things myself, not having anyone to help me, not even having anyone to ask for help.
These things they very effectively taught me in school.

My mother said she has always admired my ability to do things. What ever I wanted to do, I found out how, and did it. Or made it.
I don't think she has ever realized that I did it, because it was the only way for me to ever get what I wanted, or do what I wanted.

Like... I remember visiting the library once with my best friend, we were 10-11, I think, and there was this lady from 4H society trying to find out if there was any interest for 4H group in the little country place I lived as a child. I was very interested.
Nothing happened, and I thought that perhaps there were not enough interested people, so they had decided to scrap the project.
Some time later I heard that the lady had asked my best friend if we were still interested in it, and she said "no". And the lady accepted her answer.
I had given her my telephone number and name, why didn't she call me and ask ME about whether I was interested or not?

This is practically the story with everything. People just assume I'm not interested.
And I didn't know I should call around, seek out the people and talk with them, take the initiative, keep pushing...
Oh, except now. For the first time in my life I kept pushing, seeking for contact, trying to get a satisfactory outcome, and in stead of answering, I was told they think I'm a stalker.

Oh, I hate him right now so much.

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