Thursday, March 28, 2013

I hate people

Yesterday something happened that made me think that no-one wants anything I have to give.
No-one but my family, of course.
And it reminded me of a previous experience, that I interpreted to mean exactly the same.
No-one wants what I have to give.
People don't read my blogs. Well... you do, obviously. But you are very alone on this blog.

Of course I want to have a social life.

And it's not just my Asperger's. People with Asperger's have friends and life and work...

It's just that for some reason, no-one would employ me. None of my talents, interests, things I have learned, is interesting for anyone. Not even if they got it for free.
I can only assume it's because it comes attached to me.

I don't know how other people see me.
It must be pretty bad.

Those people whose job it is to make people like me, people with Asperger's, feel wanted and at home in the society, did exact the opposite. And they don't even bother to fix it. After meeting them, I feel even worse about myself and how the society sees me. I mean... if even they...

And I'm angry at myself who still tries to please people, and be kind and generous and giving and loving and everything I have learned the society wants... Why am I not doing all that to my husband, who really loves me and would appreciate everything I do, and would express it too?

I am afraid it will be the same way with him as with everyone else.
I'm afraid I will start believing he is with me only for what I give.
And my fibromyalgia is robbing me of things to give.

On the other hand... the rest of the world doesn't give a shit about what I can give.
They just don't want it.

I am terrified.
by the future.
All I can in the future is pain and loneliness.
I won't be able to take care of myself, and no-one will want to.
One day Henric dies.
What then?

Well... that day is not today.
I'm still able to do things.

I need to stop trying to please "people" and start pleasing me. I mean... as it doesn't work, why even try?
I know I can please me.
I know I like my company.
I know I appreciate my gifts, talents, ability, interests.

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