Last day of a crappy year...

I remember reading my horoscope for the new year a year ago. I was to have an amazing career year. Also, the horoscope promised me, an Aries, "new love", and my husband, a Libra, "bad year in love"... I remember laughing. "As if the stars are saying we are going to have a divorce..."
Well... we didn't have a divorce. But I got my heart broken. Just a couple of days after Valentine's day :-D
Stupid me.
Should teach me to not read my horoscope.

I did read it a couple of days ago, when my sisters and I were doing the "wish board" for 2013. I don't remember anything of it. I was just thinking about me a year ago, reading the horoscope for 2012.
I was supposed to have a really good year.

Bull! :-D

This year I have seriously contemplated killing myself.
I have decided how I'm going to kill myself, if I ever get to that point again in my life.
Though I promised my husband that I would not kill myself. If my life is so meaningless and worthless to me, it'll belong to him, because it's full of meaning and worth to him.

This year I have seriously contemplated committing myself to a mental hospital.
I still am.
My husband says that I can do all I do in a mental hospital at home too, and more.
I suppose he's right, and I'll just lie in the bed the whole day when I feel like I have to have a pause.

There has been a lot of those moments this year.

This year has also taught me tons about myself. I don't think I have learned more all the previous years combined.

One of the things is that I'm a hopeless optimist. I'm still alive and "free".
I am going to take some steps next year to get me a good way ahead on the road to becoming better me. Well... that I say every dang year. But I still believe in it :-D After 43 years of broken promises to myself.

I am going to learn to
- keep my promises to myself
- commit and persevere
- finish projets
- create plans B, C and D, and create new plans in running if D fails.
- love, like and appreciate myself

And I am going to be thin before 2013 is over. I am tired of getting short of breath for tying my shoelaces. And I want to know if it really feels better than anything tastes. I hope it comes together with the other five things :-D


I really don't want to feel so repulsive anymore.

Though I don't think it has anything to do with how I look or how much I weight or how fit I am... and I don't even know if it would heal any old wounds either, because none of that really matters anyway. It's just a family disease, this obsession with fitness.
I really do believe fit people are better people, somehow. I really think I'm just lazy and stupid.
I really, sincerely am jealous of all the people with anorexia, because they are thin. Being underweight is something to admire, not pity. Being overweight is a fault to dislike, not something to feel compassion for. Because everyone knows that the "overactive part" of our body is our mouth - we eat too much - and obesity doesn't run in the family, it's that the family is obese because no-one runs.
That is a distorted thinking I need to correct as well.

But I would still like to know what it's like to be thin... and be able to walk in an ordinary clothing store and buy something... normal. Something they have in the window. Something they advertise. Something I've seen in the television. It's still so that most of the "big girl" clothes are tents and black/burgundy/navy. I have this amazing dress that could only be more amazing, if it was red. They don't make it in red. Only in black.
*sigh* Maybe I could embroider it to give it more color. Or take up the seams and copy the pattern and sew me a new dress, in red. And every other color too. Like teal and green... and... yes, deep, rich ox-bloody burgundy. Not the cold, nasty, bloodless burgundy, of which they make "big girl" clothes.

I confess...

I called him.

He didn't sound to be upset about that. He sounded to be ok with talking with me.
But he didn't want to meet me.
"Let's say "merry Christmas" and leave it at that..." he said.
"Merry Christmas", said I.
Now I need to leave it at that.

I don't want to.
I really wanted another result.

*sigh*

Let's take the positives.
He answered.
He didn't yell at me, scream at me, swear at me, call me names, or hang up on me.
He listened. He answered. He talked with me. 
He wished me merry Christmas.

And the best thing, to me. I dared to call.
I had a discussion with God yesterday. If I'm awake at 7, I'll call him. God woke me up at 7.
I asked for courage to call, and courage to take what may come.
This is for the best.
I received my answer.

Yet I wanted a different one.
*sigh*

I wanted to meet him. I want to be able to...
oh...
I just realized something. He did remember me.

That makes me glad. :-)

I want to be able to meet him and greet him with kindness and not panic, not get hysterical or furious.

I will have to get there without him. Perhaps we will never meet again.

So - on with other stuff.

I need to get a better self esteem. It's all about that.
I need to stop waiting for someone else to give me things. I need to get independent.
I also need to learn to accept help.

Yesterday I felt really, really bad, because I can't control anything in my life.
Men don't love you because you are beautiful. Beauty really matters very little. It's not pretty girls who get all I want, it's also ugly girls. So, I won't get what I want by being beautiful. Beauty really doesn't matter as much as I thought it does.
People are not nice to you because you are nice to them. It's nice people who are nice to you, totally regardless of how nice you are. But people also don't much care if you are nasty. You won't spoil anyone's day by being a sourpuss. Except your own...
I won't get what I deserve. Not the good, nor the bad.
I won't get what I am entitled to.
Fortune favors the bold. I get what I take. I get what I give, allow to myself...
And just as I interpret the "signs" around me to mean what I want them to mean, what I believe they mean, the same way I interpret what "happens to me"...
It's all in the attitude.
All you need is love. Self-love. Self-esteem. Self-confidence. Self-reliance.

“Nothing in this world can take the place of PERSISTENCE.
Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent.
Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.
Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.
The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”

― Calvin Coolidge

Emotionally abusive relationship

“When someone is unrelentingly critical of you, always finds fault, can never be pleased, and blames you for everything that goes wrong, it is the insidious nature and cumulative effects of the abuse that do the damage. Over time, this type of abuse eats away at your self-confidence and sense of self-worth, undermining any good feelings you have about yourself and about your accomplishments.” 
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engle

Oh, dear... That's a good description of my relationship... with me.
Now, I won't be able to walk away from that relationship.

So - I started looking into how to deal with that, and was lead to another road...

I have been reading Gloria Steinem's book about self-esteem.

I hate to say this, because I know my parents loved me, and did their best, and all that, but I was neglected as a child. 

How do you heal yourself from being emotionally neglected as a child?

P.S: I feel I have been subjected to "gaslighting".

"The abuser who does this will deny that certain events happened or occur to get you to question or insanity. They will exaggerate or lie to make themselves look good and you look like the bad guy. They avoid taking responsibility for their own actions."

Not an ounce of remorse, compassion, understanding. No apologies, no validation, no explanation. Nothing.
Except that it was all my fault, they did nothing wrong, and their suffering - caused by me - is equal to mine - which also was caused by me.

changes

I visited a pain doctor. Finally... something is going to happen and I won't be able to avoid doing changes in my life...

About changes... I found this at Pinterest.

Rather stupid... "biscuits and gravy"? Too limited, specific, not going to work. Exceeding calorie limit? Too difficult. You need to count, which means you won't.

Here's my version:

Promise yourself not to eat anything with sugar in this December. Keep the promise even after December is over.
Using anything to replace sugar is cheating. No sweeteners, artificial nor natural.

This means no soda, not even diet soda (or energy drinks), no cordials (not even sugar free), not even fruit juices, because even though those are not sweetened, they are almost pure sugar anyway :-D And don't eat dried fruits.
No ice cream or frozen yoghurt, no pies, no cookies, no cakes, no sweetened cereals, no candy or chocolate...

Start reading the small print of food you eat. There's surprisingly much sugar and sweeteners added to food we eat. There's sugar in things like cold cuts and readymade meals, which you might have not been aware of. There's sugar in bread.
Yes, it will take a lot of reading to catch all the sugar before it enters your body, but this is probably the best thing you can do for your health.
(I am oversensitive to sugar - like most human beings. Sugar is a bit like drug. Eating a lot of sugar - and most Westerners do - changes your brain. I need to stop eating sugar, but... I'm addicted to the damned thing. So - stop eating sugar for your HEALTH, not your weight. It will influence the weight too, but you will feel so much better in January, if you manage to keep unsweetened December. Also, you won't be yearning the sweets in January either, because you have detoxed yourself. Don't fall again!)

I know, it's hard with December holidays coming, but it's best to do right now, so that you get a good challenge and can look into your reasons to eat sugary stuff. Keep a diary and write down when you want to eat sugar, why and what you feel about it. Do something to fulfill the need a healthier way.

Your body needs sugar, though, just not added, refined sugar.
Eat your fruits. At least one fresh fruit every day.
Replace candy by making yourself a fruit sallad by chopping 4-5 different varieties of fresh fruits into candy-size pieces. Don't add any cream or sauce or jello. Eat the fruit pieces as if they were candy. Your brain will buy the "trick" and be satisfied.
Replace juice by eating a fruit as it is and drinking pure water.

Make yourself a cup of cocoa with just milk and dutch method cocoa. It is sweet enough. You might just need to get adjusted to it, but it is sweet enough. Do NOT use "drinking chocolate" or such hot chocolate powders. Use unsweetened pure cocoa, and blend it first with a little boiling water, then add the warm milk.

If you need an "energy drink" after work-out, milk is the best thing for that. It has all the necessary minerals and protein, even a little natural sugar.

And find other ways to "reward" and "pamper" yourself than food and sweets.

In January you will stop eating bread, savory baked goods, like quiches, and pasta. Bread is rolls and buns, biscuits and flatbread like tortillas, which means you won't be eating tacos, enchiladas or burritos either. Pancakes are included, pita bread, crackers, sandwiches, hamburgers and hot dogs (served with bread. You may still eat them without bread.)

Replace pasta with rice, potatoes and other such things, like polenta and grits.

In February you will stop eating anything fried. Deep-fried, pan-fried, doesn't matter.
Including french fries and chips.

Replace frying with boiling, roasting, baking, steaming and other ways of preparing food. There's still a lot of good things you can eat.

Replace chips with nuts and fresh vegetables and fruits.

In March you will stop eating sauces. That includes dips, mayonnaise and ketchup, salad dressing, pasta sauces, baked beans. (Yes, those are smothered with sauce.) No gravy.
Dishes like lasagne and moussaka, made by adding sauce, are included.

Replace the sauce with vegetables... if you want the sauce sense, chop the veggies into salsa. Do not add oil or sugar to your salsa!
Eat soups and stews.
And add a little lemon juice and some good quality oil to your salad. Some. Like a teaspoon. Not more. So, even if it in all practical reasons is a sauce (vinaigrette), it's not.

In April you will stop drinking alcohol.
Replace it with water. You can mix the water with some fruit juice, if you think pure water is boring. There are other things to add some interest to water, but don't start drinking non-alcoholic drinks, which are mostly sugar, or pure juice, which is also mostly sugar.

You may eat butter, whole milk, sour cream, sweet cream, crème fraîche, any kind of cheese, full fat yoghurt (even frozen, but as it is - it is surprisingly good alternative to frozen yoghurt, especially if you mix it with chopped fruits...)
You may eat pop-corn, even oil popped popcorn. Even with butter. But not "butter flavored" crap.

Do not switch to light or low-fat alternatives. Do not cheat by using artificial sweetener instead of sugar. Don't use any artificial, fake stuff loaded with chemicals, like "I can't believe it's not butter, bacon, meat or what ever". Use real meat, butter, bacon or what ever.

Yes, you may eat bacon, just bake it in oven or in a waffle iron. Don't fry it on a pan.
You may eat red meat, salami, sausages, roasted chicken...

You may use as much spices and herbs as you wish. Reduce salt as much as you can, though.

Prepare yourself by keeping your bloodsugar leveled. Eat something every 3-4 hours.
Eat a good breakfast. It's better you get up from bed 15 minutes earlier to have time to eat breakfast, than you sleep those 15 minutes and skip breakfast.
Don't eat after 7 P.M. Even if you work late. It's better to go to bed with empty stomach than eat anything. You can drink a glass of milk to cut the worst hunger, if you are so hungry you can't sleep, but if you ate a good breakfast and something every 3-4 hours, you won't be that hungry, even after a busy day at work.
Have a bag of nuts in your pocket at all time, so that you can eat a handful, if you can't eat anything else. Or an apple. Or a handful of nuts AND an apple. (or some other fruit, if you are not into apples. Bananas are good.)
Create a list of good snack and prepare small grab bags you store in the fridge for those busy days. Do not skip meals!
Clean your home from the things you may not eat. Fill your home with food you may eat.

Damn it: eating your way there

And look at Keely Shaye Smith, mrs. Pierce Brosnan. 

You don't need to be skinny to wear bikini. You have to have self confidence.

So - there are two more things you really SHOULD do to get truly bikini ready for summer:

- Exercise. Every day. If nothing but a walk outside for fifteen minutes, good. Not to get fit, but to feel good about yourself.
- Do something to boost your self-confidence.
- Do something every week you are afraid to do.

So - to recap:

December: sugar
January: bread, baked goods and pasta
February: fried foods
March: sauces
April: alcohol