Today I feel very... inadequate. I'm too fat, and not fat in a nice way. I'm not pretty, I'm not nice, I'm not mature and wise and motherly and feminine and lovely. Today I feel like a dumb brat, fat and... Not ugly, precisely, but... not dazzlingly beautiful either.
I hate this emotional dance I'm having.
I'm married to guy #1. He's wonderful, I love him, he makes me smile, he turns me into a soft, warm puddle of sweet love... I'm happy being married to him, I'm proud of him, I'm not going to leave him, ever.
But - I'm in love with guy #2 - and he doesn't seem to see me as a woman. He shouldn't either, because he's sort of married too, and seems to be quite ok with that and his commonlaw wife, and that's perfect, fine, as it should be, and all that.
But... I WANT him to find me absolutely adorable, beautiful, irresistible, sexy, lovely, feminine, delightful, amazing... and I'm pretty sure he doesn't.
I wouldn't. I think I'm big and clumsy and ugly and childish and too much in wrong places, and too little in the right ones. Timid and boorish, and boisterous and full of myself at the same time. Ugh.
There was a woman in the "office" today, and he greeted her and sounded sincerely happy to see her... I don't think he sounds like that when he talks with me. And it hurts.
I want him to miss me when I'm gone, and I don't see that happening.
I want him to think of me when it snows, and I don't see that happening.
What I see happening is that within a year he has forgotten my name, and he doesn't even think of me... nothing will ever remind him of me, I will vanish in the history as "Who? Oh... No, can't remember. It wasn't Daisy, was it? No... What ever." Just another user.
Nothing in me is especially unforgettable.