I read a blog entry by a woman trying to lose some weight. She's 71 kilos right now. What would I not give to be that slim again?
When I broke the 90 kilos line, I was shocked. I cried, I swore I'll never weigh that much again, I'll take off the pounds and weigh under 90 again, even if it killed me.
Then I broke the 100 kilos line... I was shocked. I cried. I swore, I made promises, I took long walks and ate nothing for a couple of days.
Then I broke the 105 kilos line. The same thing happened. Now I'm 108.
The best way to lose weight has been so far not losing weight but changing lifestyle. When you live like a skinny person, you are a skinny person. To me it's not eating white flour or sugar, and not adding any fat to my food. Fried food is okay, sandwiches not. My worst desire is bread and pasta, and that is something I shouldn't be eating. At least, not that often.
Also, I need to walk a lot daily. I like walking, in the beautiful nature around us. I like exercise and activity. I like sports. Nevertheless, when it comes to choosing, I choose to sit by the computer or television and do "nothing"... I choose to write, I choose to read, I choose to craft...
So - what would I not give to be that slim again? I would not give up baked sugary goods, pasta, bread and butter... I would not give up one hour from my sitting time. I would not bother to shop and prepare for a good meals... That's it. It's not "sacrifice your firstborn" or "cut off your left arm" kind of things we fat people are being asked to stop being fat and start being slim. It's all very sensible and even enjoyable things! Exercvise releases "feel good" hormones. The nature is always beautiful. Always. How enjoyable it is to move, when you move with ease, and that means being fit, and that means, exercising... The more one moves, the easier it becomes to move. Wouldn't that be nice? And, actually, I would eat BETTER if I ate "the slim way". More veggies, less starch, more colors on the plate... I would eat less and my tummy would feel better.
Right now I'm sitting here with heartburn, because yesterday - yes, yesterday, some 10-12 hours ago, I ate a big bowl of pasta with a couple of heavily buttered slices of bread... So THIS feeling is something I'M NOT READY TO GIVE UP! I "deserve" to eat pasta and heavily buttered bread... I mean... Deserve? I deserve to be fat and have heartburn?
Ah... That's the point, isn't it... really.
I am ashamed to be this fat. I feel bad for myself, because I have to "give up" "the last" luxuries and enjoyable things, I have to "sacrifice" the sweets and other delicious things, I may not do this or eat that, I have to "torture" myself, I have to "deprive" myself, I have to whip myself and do things I don't want to do... I pity myself, and then I want to eat more comfort food. And then, as the weight goes up and not down, I'll be in shock and I'll cry and feel really, really bad about myself.
The truth is that I'm not ready to give up "anything" to weigh less than 80 kilos again. If I could give my soul or something else impossible - that is, nothing - I would. In a heartbeat. I want a miracle. I want to be able to eat as I do now, and do what I do right now, but be like a person who eats well and does a lot. For free. Anything else is "unfair"... ???
And as I am not ready to give up anything to weigh less than 80 kilos, I will not weigh less than 80 kilos.
I know this, I know all this so well... but for some reason, when one sits there and starts lusting for something good to eat, the choice isn't that obvious... "I've been so good the last days, I DESERVE!" "I need to REWAD myself for being such a good girl!"
The truth is that I DESERVE a body that works, does what I ask of it.
I DESERVE to sleep my nights well and wake up rested and happy. Right now I have sleep apnea.
I DESERVE to be as beautiful and slender and be able to wear pretty clothes that look good on me.
I DESERVE to be able to keep up with any group of people doing things, from clubbing to walking to sightseeing to anything.
I DESERVE to be able to breathe easily. Last night I couldn't breathe... I woke up, changed position, and still couldn't breathe. I was getting a bit panicky. Overweight is not good for your asthma...
I DESERVE to take dance classes and get active with all kinds of sports.
I DESERVE to start martial arts, parkour and rock climbing.
I DESERVE rewards that don't hurt me.
I DESERVE real friends, not imaginary friendship of inanimate objects like food.
This blog isn't all about losing weight. It's also about "becoming whole", and that is about embracing my unique combination of talents. I'm multitalented, renaissance woman, which I have expressed several times. Most people are, to my understanding. Especially artistic talents wander usually hand in hand. If you are good at one of the nine art forms, you are bound to be good at some other. Surprisingly many writers can draw to save their lives, and painters write interesting diaries, if nothing else. Actors are usually also good singers and dancers, and vice versa. Of course, there are actors who couldn't hold a tone to save their lives, and with two left feet, but quite a many can do all of this, and do it well.
I saw "Listed; 10 best and worst actors/singers" list on Star and I'm not happy. Of course, the list was four years old, and it was apparently people who voted online who "decided" who was good or bad, and I can imagine they had some sort of preliminary list there.
This list named Madonna as the worst, and Cher as the best.
Someone said Elvis was the first actor/singer... oh. Well, who cares about people like Judy Garland, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Bing Crosby, Doris Day, Shirley MacLaine... no-one watches musicals anyway, and those people... no-one even knows who they are. At least, I suppose most of the people voting wouldn't have a clue.
I am not happy about the idea of people's subjective opinion judging people as "good" or "bad" at something, when you really cannot say if someone is a good or bad actor by one movie, and a lot of this is based on the general opinion and peer pressure, and not one's own genuine judgment on the person's ability.
Take Britney Spears, for example. A lot of people saying she can't act haven't even seen her movie, and a lot of the people who did see the movie, had already decided they wouldn't like her acting any way.
It's like with Cindy Crawford. I think she was okay in Fair Game, and the movie wasn't as bad as the critics claim. I truly think it's envy or something, people think Britney, Cindy, and other people like they, should stay in "her place" and not even try to become something else, or more, than we think she is.
Elvis was named among the 10 best singer/actors. I don't think Elvis could act very well. He sure could sing, but acting... What ever is the truth, I find his movies terribly boring, and haven't been able to watch many of them from beginning to end. At least I saw the Crossroads. :-D
I think Madonna does a great job in The Next Best Thing. I like the movie. Well... that too received a horrible critique and Madonna was nominated for Razzies for that performance.
Well... I must have a really bad taste in movies, because I think Godfather is one of the most boring, frustrating, stupid movies ever made. I fought my way through the trilogy as well. I basically only liked Robert de Niro's part.
Mariah Carey isn't a bad actress either. I suppose she needed to leave the image behind for people to be able to see her. >:->
It doesn't make Glitter a good movie, though. :-D
Also, I'm not sure I think Courtney Love can sing... but she was on the top 10 list, while Billy Bob Thornton, who isn't that bad a singer, was on the bottom 10 list. Might be that Courtney Love's music is better than Billy Bob's, but that doesn't say anything about their ability to sing. (I don't think either would have succeeded especially well in Idols or some other such show.)
So - some actor/singers
Whether they do a good job or not I leave to everyone's personal taste.
Robert Downey Jr.
Jon Bon Jovi
Jennifer Love Hewitt
(He was voted by the viewers in the top 10 singer/actors...
I don't know if he's deliberately singing badly or not in this, but it's awful.)
Billy Bob Thornton
Britney Spears I'm going to hop over people like Selena Gomez, Miley Cyrus, Vanessa Hudgens, Asley Tisdale, Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan etc. Not because they don't matter, but because there are so many young, pretty, talented girls out there.
John Travolta (with Miley Cyrus)
Richard Harris (the first Dumbledore)
Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman
And the list goes on and on and on...
Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon do a good job in Walk The Line
The cast of Chicago are okay - Renee Zellweger, Catherine Zeta Jones and Queen Latifah,
both in acting and singing.
Liza Minnelli comes to mind. She could also both sing and act, like her mother.
I love Marilyn Monroe's voice and singing style.
Both Kylie Minogue and Natalie Imbruglia started as actors in the Aussi soap Neighbors.
Or think about the Blues Brothers.
I went for a looooong walk, didn't have the condition to take the "normal" 10K, just about 6K, I guess, and dang, I was tired afterwards. I had to force my feet forward.
I only drank some tea with milk and a couple of glasses koldskaal. I'm almost a pound lighter today. I think I'll follow this regime for a little, at least for as long as it "works".
I will also be taking vitamines, even though I know it's not necessarily healthy... I'm just so scared of all the possible deficiencies and effects... It really is sick. I'm afraid all the time!
If I don't eat, my body goes to "starve mode", which means I won't lose any weight, but if I eat ANYTHING, I will get even fatter really quickly. I suppose there is some body reactions, that make you lose weight slower if you are starving, for the survival, but - look at the people in concentration camps and Biafra, and all the other places, where they don't have any food. They do lose weight, and rather rapidly, even. Like, Cast-Away, or the woman who was lost in Gran Canyon for three weeks, ate nothing and lost like 20 kilos or something. Now, I will be drinking and exercising, which should make the muscle and water loss minute, and take the energy to support me from fat. I do hope it works that way.
Then I'm terrified by sacking skin. I try to do exercises for tummy, thighs and arms, but what if it doesn't work and I end up being a skeleton in skin sack? That's not pretty... I'm over 40. I can't count my skin will go back to what it was when I was 15. I cannot afford any cosmetic surgery... besides, what about the scars and risks of operation, and removing that much tissue and... The world is full of scary stories!
At the same time, I'm "hungry" all the time. Not hungry hungry, but I want to eat. I think about food all the time... About spaghetti and bread, freshly baked, steamy and you know the scent of freshly baked goods... A newly baked bun with crisp surface and soft, airy innards, steamy hot, with fresh, cool butter melting... mmmm... doughnuts... mmmm.... bacon pancakes with maple syrup, orange juice, good sausage and hashbrowns, latkes with apple sauce and sour cream, and perhaps a nice, fried piece of chicken to go with it... my mother's meatballs with mashed potatoes and gravy. Chips. French fries. Peanuts. Pearson's Salted Nut Rolls... I could eat those as many as there are. The taste sensation of sweet and salty and chewy and crisp and tender... Ow! Chinese. Chili and chili adobo... Ooh. Some Indian food. Meat with fruits. Perfectly cooked rice with spicy stew of some sort, rich, thick and tasty... I'd even eat hamburgers and pizza, even though those are not my idea of "the best a woman can get". I'd go crazy at a bakery. Croissants. Danish pastries. Finnish lihapasteija. Not lihapiirakka, which is another form of meat pastry in Finland. I want the one made of flaky puff pastry, not the one made with kind of sugarless doughnut pastry, even though those can be really good too. Or pärämäç! Ooh... Obviously my biggest problem is the love of fatty, starchy, salty things, with some flavor too.
Now I am hungry. I think I'll go and see if there's some koldskaal left in the fridge. :-)
The biggest problem isn't hunger, but the urge, desire, lust, want of food that's not good for me. I have the idea of that food is the only affordable luxury for me, I'm not fond of bathing and such. I also comfort eat, and when I'm trying to lose weight, I do feel sorry for myself, and the automatic reaction is to go to kitchen and bake me something to "make me feel better"... I have been doing that for some 30 years now, and I don't want to live with the consequences. I need to learn that food is not a buddy, a comfort nor luxury, but - food. Nothing more, nothing less, nothing else. It's food, nutrition, thing invented to give me some energy, and if I eat more than I use, it get storaged for "a rainy day", so that I will survive when the starvation knocks on the door.
Oh, God, let me stay strong and not eat... but I don't want to get anorexia either. I want to have a healthy relationship to food, eat normally, healthy, balanced and well, but not too much. I want to be able to enjoy everything on the list above. The way it was meant to be enjoyed.
After the holiday in Finland I weighed 3 kilos more than before. I tried to watch what I'm eating, but... everyone kept saying "it's holiday, you can watch your weight when you get home". The food was very good, and there were all the things I like to eat... I love Finnish pastries. I love Finnish yoghurt and ice cream. I love to bake, especially to an appreciative audience, so there was a lot of that too. We had a Western theme party, so I baked a couple of pies for dessert... there was blueberry pie, cherry pie, lemon meringue pie, pecan pie, custard pie, apple pie... I think that's it. But every pie was really good, and then there was a little of vanilla custard and ice cream to go with the pies. Before that there was some really good chili and barbecue, and... *sigh*
So, I ate, and ate, and ate. I didn't work as much as I usually do in Finland, so I gained weight.
No I'm home, and I'd need to work it out. I weigh 107 kilos. I don't want to eat anything ever again. I don't want to get heavier and heavier. But I know I will eat. If I don't, there will be people around me, telling me "the body goes to starving mode, which means you won't lose weight, and if you ever eat anything, it goes straight to fat reserves!!" I don't want that!
I have tried low carb diets, and even though they work, sort of, I'm not feeling well when I'm in it. I feel awful.
It was good to not eat sugar, white flour or added fat, but... I WEIGH OVER 100 KILOS, ALMOST 110! I'M JUST GETTING FATTER AND FATTER ALL THE TIME!
I felt good when I was eating nothing the whole week and what ever I wanted on one day too.
I'm aching today. My feet decided to start acrobatic exercises while I was having a shower and it ended with me on my back in the bath tub with sprained fingers and legs. There's a bruise a foot long behind my right knee and my left hand is almost unusable. Nice. I just came home from two week's trip to Finland, and my husband (with ADHD and Asperger's) hadn't done any housework and the home looks like it too... I mean, I don't do much housework, but I at least do the dishes every now and then. But, I can write, so I will be planning my Yule presents and watching MBC :-D
I have been reading Aspects of Asperger's and Unclutterer, and I'm being a bit confused, mourning over all the misunderstandings, misfortunes and abuse I have had to experience due to undiagnosed Asperger's for forty years and all the lost chances, and trying to find ways to not repeat it all over the next 40 years :-)
I'm a writer, a craftswoman and a witch.
I am Finnish through and through, even though I currently live in Sweden - with my Danish husband. I am Pagan and he's Jewish, and our marriage is a match made in heaven :-)