Sunday, March 4, 2012

about losing and missing

I started an amazing adventure last summer... I participated in this thing designed to get people with Aspergers to work, because of all the positive effects of having a normal work... like social life with work mates, routine, salary, worth of doing something meaningful and worthwhile... having a "normal" place in the world, feeling a little less different and awkward and alien.

It was wonderful. I was being open and honest about myself, and the guys acted as if it was something good... I felt seen and listened to, and approved and appreciated... and it felt really good. And I was starting to think that perhaps I AM worth something, ME... that I don't NEED to try to adjust and fit into some expectations and models and be something I am not... that I have something worth something to add to the world and society, that I am not just some weirdo...

My adventure ended this week. I need to wait until next week to really feel the impact of this piece in my life missing.

The worst part of it is that it ended really badly...
I fell in love with my work coach... or mentor or what to call him. He reminded me of my father, both my big brothers AND my first love. Besides, it's his job to be interested in me... I didn't have a chance! :-D
(I also happen to think he's quite good looking.)
I was being open and honest about my crush and the result was that he cut off all communication, and disappeared from my life as if he was dead.
His last words to me were "See you in Tuesday".

Now, I have Aspergers. One of the things we have great difficulties with is changes. Another is not being informed. Not only did I lose my mentor, I lost also the time for my appointment I was used to have, and I was appointed another coach, a person I've never met or spoken with, and what made it worse was that I was practically ignored. I was informed that I'm going to get another work coach and this person will contact me... some day, in the future and that's it. That's all.

Right now I'm fully convinced of that they were just pretending to be interested of me. I was an assignment, a job, not a human being. I feel like a lab rat, a freak show exhibit... come see the fat, bearded, tattooed lady... you won't believe what she can do with ping-pong balls!

It makes it very hard to believe in what they said to me, what made me feel good about myself... but on the other hand...

I am amazing, wonderful, unique - even for a person with Aspergers. I am brilliant in all the meanings of the word, childlike, innocent, naïve, pure, true, honest, sincere, open and lovely.

And the thing is that I might not be beautiful, sexy, attractive, irresistable... I might not be a "glamour girl". People might not be pinning my pictures on the wall as something they like looking at... but that... that, my darlings, that is just a question of attitude and a little work.
In reality, I am not uglier than women who are considered the most beautiful in the world. Because it is a question of an attitude. I have to carry myself as if I was beautiful.
And it is a question of care and work - I need to take care of me and present myself as if I was a sexy, beautiful woman.
After all, I AM amazing, brilliant and all that ALREADY. I can actually put a little work on the package... because I AM worth it.

This is Scarlett Harlott... wow... THAT is what I want! 
The color, the style, the flare, the confidence, the smile!

So - next Tuesday, I will not see the man I had a crush on. I will see myself.
I will take myself to a date and treat me with the best I can.
I will do things I'm afraid of because I ask myself to.
I will tell myself what an amazing and wonderful person I am, and this time I know it's 100% true, honest and sincere, because I wouldn't lie to me. I say those things to myself, because I care about me and I believe those things to be true.
I will teach myself things, like how to apply make-up and how to keep it on :-D
I will give me everything my heart desires...

I will have a wonderful life.

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