Funny, how people work...

I write "morning pages" and today I was writing about my sorrow over not having children and not being beautiful... I am always very beautiful in my fantasies, and I have started to suspect that has something to do with me not doing anything about my life... It's like I recognize me not being the same woman that is in my fantasies, so those fantasies and dreams are not for me, but for that woman.
Anyway, I was saying that I would exchange my intelligence, my creativity, my sense of humor, my physical intelligence, my artistry, the skill of my hands, my sensuality, I would exchange all of it to be beautiful, admired, beloved, popular -  and a mother...

Then I realized something... I can keep all those qualities and yet become beautiful and a mother.

I have the option for private fertility treatment in Denmark until I'm 45. The only thing that requires is money. I can get money, by using my intelligence, talents, skills, capacity... So - I can BUY me motherhood... 
Unless, of course, I am not to be a mother. And then we will throw away some 50.000 kronas. But - then we'll know.

And beauty... beauty is in the eyes of the beholder... and, frankly, the only person I need to persuade of my beauty is me.
My husband already thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.
The rest of the world cannot even agree on who is beautiful and who's not.
I think Katherine Zeta Jones is lovely, my sister doesn't see anything beautiful in her.
There are people out there who think Audrey Hepburn wasn't especially beautiful. Among others, Audrey Hepburn ;-)
Megan Fox doesn't consider herself beautiful, even though quite a lot of the world holds another opinion.
 I don't find Paris Hilton beautiful, but she has her fans too.
So - what makes a woman beautiful?
Why couldn't I be beautiful too? There's nothing specifically ugly in me. I have two eyes, nose and mouth, placed in proper places on my face. The proportions aren't too odd. I have two arms and legs and a body in between...
I don't see any reason to why I wouldn't be, if not beautiful, acceptably good looking.

BTW, What makes a woman beautiful?
The main thing: she's a woman.
One must remember that beauty is not an important factor when it comes to relationships. Every man has their own preferences when it comes to preferring breasts or bottom, brunette or blonde, tall or short, muscular or petite, blue eyes, olive skin, and so on and so forth. You can be sure of one thing, though. What ever your specifics, there are men out there who find those specifics the most appealing. You don't even need to be fit and thin. There are guys out there who like their women soft and cuddly.

Most men prefer "healthy" women, that is not too thin, not too fat, size 10-16, BMI 20-30.
Most men prefer fit women, women who are "in good shape". You don't need to be thin, slender or have flat stomach, just have a good, basic fitness and physical condition, so that you actually could DO all the things you'd like to do with him... and he with you.
Most men prefer to have their women natural - or giving the natural impression. "Duck face" with fake boobs dressing up like a --- is not considered beautiful, even if she otherwise would fulfill "the requirements"... (Also, my husband told me to say this: "above all, real. Be yourself. It doesn't matter what you look like, just be yourself, have a personality.")
Most men prefer women who look different from men. Most men don't like bodybuilding women (though they too have their admirers, so don't stop bodybuilding if you are into it.) Most men prefer women to have a waist - it doesn't need to be really narrow and all that, but a woman's body should have curves, in "right places". First out on chest, then in, then out again... How much is irrelevant.

Most men prefer natural breasts, which ever size they are, to "plastic" ones.
Most men prefer to be the "sole beneficiary" of her charms...  "Your dresses should be tight enough to show you're a woman and loose enough to show you're a lady", said Edith Head, and she's right about that.
Also, carry yourself well. Good posture makes you prettier.
Most men also prefer a tidy woman. Now, I'm not talking about tidy housewives or strict, classy style.  Have any style you like, but don't be sloppy. Comb your hair. See that your clothes are in the order they are supposed to be. If ripped clothes are your style, go for it, if not, mend them.
Most men - if not all - prefer clean women. Dirt, sweat and such is quite ok - occasionally - but generally a woman should be clean. Most men prefer women to smell "good". Brush your teeth, shower, use deodorant and just a hint of perfume, perhaps. Most women smell "good" by nature, if they are clean.
Most men prefer a smiling woman. It doesn't matter if you think your smile is not pretty. It's a smile and that's what matters. Most men prefer a woman with clean teeth. They don't need to be straight, pretty, white or brilliant, just clean. And teeth. :-D
Bigger eyes are better than smaller, fuller lips are better than thinner, feminine, fine, narrow chin is better than bony, square, large chin, clear skin is better than spotty... but if you don't have these, remember that bright eyes are better than big eyes - get your sleep. Soft lips are better than full lips, so moisturize.
Smile gives beauty to any face. Expressions are important. It's better you have a "talking" face than no wrinkles.
Interest also. A girl that is interested in you and what you are saying is prettier than the picture perfect beauty who doesn't even look at you.