I declare sovereignty!

I don't know if you remember me yapping about "this guy" and "those people" and "the thing" that happened about a half a year ago. It was horrible. It was bad. But I think I might start getting over it.
I wrote to the guys a couple of days ago, trying to normalize things. I expected them to answer, in the spirit of "let's pretend the mess never happened, and move on". They never responded. So - the mess happened.
 I suppose they don't understand that THEY are responsible of the mess, and THEY have NEVER taken ANY responsibility of ANY part of what happened, that THEIR praxis of dealing with that kind of things reeks, and THEY need to change it to avoid hurting more people. THEY have NEVER acknowledged the mental damage they caused me, nor have THEY apologized or shown ANY measure of compassion or altruism to my suffering... that THEY caused.
So I have been giving THEM a chance to do better...
And the fact that they refuse to take it shows that THEY think they have done nothing wrong! In spite of me telling them exactly what they did wrong and how they could fix it, they refuse to admit any wrong doing.
Unbelievable.

Until today, when I realized that human beings are a fear-based lifeform.
That's why the Law of Jante exists.
It was essential for the early human beings to be suspicious and careful, to stay low and keep the rest of the group low too. The modern human being, with no natural (or unnatural) enemies still act on that, so everyone who is different, sticks up, makes noise, must be silenced and leveled as quickly as possible, because that kind of behavior would have endangered the whole primal human group's safety.

It's just another facet of the social behavior I have been talking about earlier, about how neurodifferent people are labeled as socially awkward, socially inept, socially incompetent, lacking theory of mind. We don't play the social games, because we see no reason to play them.That they are being played is not a good enough reason. That there are negative consequences of not playing, is not a good enough reason either.

So - today I realized these guys are afraid. They are not talking to me because they are scared of me. Scared of the consequences, scared of their own inability to deal with the consequences... and there is nothing I can do or say to show I'm harmless.
Because I am not.

Then I read a blog entry of sweet, beloved Daphne, about body sovereignty...
and realized that I really, really, really cannot force these guys to grow. I can't waste time and effort and thoughts on them anymore. They have shown that they don't want to change, they can't change, they don't want my help, my concern... they are happy with their being as it is, even though *I* can clearly see that the world they are so scared of, isn't that dangerous. Even though I thought they had heard me, had been listening to me enough to know, I might be scary, my ideas might be scary, but they lead to a whole new world full of possibilities...

And then I realized that *I* have been refusing the possibility as well! I am so not happy with my life as it is.
Sure, it hurts when the buds burst oped, but refusing the bloom hurts more... and it's ME who is not allowing myself to bloom! No-one else. Because no-one else has the power!
Sure, the world is full of stupid people, who will try to protect the group and put me down, one way or another. Law of Jante exists and is strong. But isn't part of the joy of living overcoming the limits, even when the limit is Law of Jante? The inborn social fear of the whole mankind? But think of the price... Think about why you are doing this...
Do you really think it's better to let the stupid, scaredy people push you down into a miserable existence that cannot be called life, at least not life worth living, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU KNOW THAT IF THEY MANAGE, THEY WON'T THANK YOU FOR BEING A "GOOD GIRL". No, you won't get rewarded, you will be watched with suspicion, because you dared to try to break the cage. You are unreliable, dangerous, a threat to a normal society, so you need to be kept in tight reigns. They won't ever, ever, ever let you become anything more than you are right now. Is that really what you want from your life?

CLAIM THE SOVEREIGNTY

OVER YOUR BODY AND YOUR LIFE!

Because you are worth it.

"Yes pain is what’s felt when buds burst open" by Karin Boye

I'm really sad right now

I cut out soda. Not 100%. The last half a year I have drank 4 cans of soda. I drink water instead. I drink a lot of water. No change in my weight.

I stopped eating at least 3 hours before bed. I eat between 7 A.M. and 7 P.M. I drink tea if I'm hungry after seven, and wait for the breakfast. Hey, I'm fat. I'm not going to starve to death because I have to wait for 12 hours to eat! But - no change in my weight.

I started walking. 5K every day. It took me over an hour the first times I did it. No change in my weight. I started walking 10K, because I got angry, and it was too much, too early, I hurt my foot and was unable to walk 100 meters... Really fun. But - no change in my weight.

Portion control? Not really. I TRY to, but I still eat too much. So I try to eat good things, like veggies, fruits, meat, eggs and unsweetened dairy.
I try to avoid starch like potatoes, bread or pasta. I avoid sugar like hell.
I don't avoid fat, because I don't believe in fat being a bad thing. Perhaps it is.
I give myself one "candy day" every week, when I can eat anything I want to, as much of it as I want to...

I weighed myself every day, but when my weight was UNCHANGED after a MONTH of following these rules, that SHOULD "work", I was so disheartened and depressed, my husband hid the scales.
He allowed me to weigh myself this month. No change in weight.

I have been trying to lose weight for half a year now, doing these things. I have exercised, done my Callanetics, and, well, I'm getting more compact, thinner, less fat. But my weight is still the f-ing 106 kilos it has been through this whole half a year. Well... It fluctuates a little. I have weighed 104 kilos, and 108 kilos, but 9 times of 10 the weight will show 106 kilos. So - I don't give a damn about the 2 kilos yo-yo. I should have passed 100 kilos on my way down, already! I SHOULD HAVE!!!

WHY ISN'T ANYTHING HAPPENING?

WHAT THE F AM I DOING WRONG?

How am I supposed to NOT stop eating, when changing my eating habits doesn't show anywhere?
How can I motivate me to change my eating habits, and deny myself unhealthy, nasty food, like candy, fast food, bread with butter, pasta with creamy sauces, baked goods, when avoiding them doesn't show anywhere?

I am desperate! Yes, I can blame my medication that apparently makes me go up in weight - so what I lose by dieting, I gain through the medicine. Yes, I can blame my sleep apnea. I can blame my stress and depression.
NEVERTHELESS, THESE THINGS SHOULD ONLY MAKE IT SLOWER. NOT NON-EXISTENT!


I just want to die.

Don't quit

"Think of a time when you almost gave up... almost quit... almost threw in the towel... but decided to just give it one more shot.
Where did that decision take you?"

More heartache, no resolution, nothing I wanted, more confirmation of that I'm worthless, ugly, disgusting... More fear. I am hiding from the world and licking my wounds, not daring to go out there, because it f-ing hurts.

"Now think today about something that you are ready to throw out the window... something that meant the world to you at one time... or maybe it still does... maybe it's someONE who meant the world to you. Maybe, just maybe... it would be totally worth it to give it one more shot, to keep going... what do you have to lose?"

What do I have to lose? My life as I know it. It might not be perfect, but it's a good life, and losing it I would lose worthy "things". But I know I would have a good life full of worthy "things", even when they'd be different "things"...

I believe the things we notice are messages from the Universe... this message hit a string in my soul. So... what if... if I don't give up, if I don't quit, but keep pushing, keep trying, I'll get what I want?

But... what if it is because I want the dream, the illusion to be true? This message is telling me to keep going, to keep smashing my head against the wall, because the wall is going to fall... But what if my head breaks before the wall?
What if I'm not giving up on someone, but letting go of someone?
What if that thing I can't imagine being fully alive without is something that is in reality harming me?

Then I received this:

Uh. I NEED to become like he is to get what I want in life... and I love being with him... so I want him to be one of the five people.
So - do I keep pushing for something that isn't really good for me, do I keep pushing my will against everything, causing havoc in the lives of at least 4 people, probably even more through the ripples, just to satisfy this obsession of mine?
Is it an obsession because it is meant to be?
If it's meant to be, I can't influence the outcome whether I act or not, because it's meant to be...
But what if... what if I am suppose to act? What if this is incentive from God to get me active? 

I'm going into pieces.

And this: Unbreak my heart at Pinterest

declutter the nasty people from your life

I don't like cleaning and such. Very few people actually do. I'm an artistic soul, and thus sloppy, because I prioritize other things over keeping it clean and tidy. My style of living is very much "now" - which means that when an object doesn't interest me anymore, when I'm done with it, I just let go off it and it may land wherever it wishes to. Which means there are piles everywhere in our home. Also, both my husband and I are hoarders. We have way too much stuff, and the piles keep getting bigger and bigger.

So, when I found Fly Ladies I was overjoyed. Yes! Finally something for us creative, artistic women! (Yes, that's how they sell it... *rolling eyes*) No more shaming and "musts", but advice by people who had been there and done that!
It didn't took long for me to realize that the system was designed for people with a VERY different lifestyle from mine. These people were talking about laced shoes, using bleach every day and cleaning cars, garages and second bathrooms. What? And THE WORK SPACES, STUDIOS, HOBBY ROOMS, SEWING ROOMS ARE NOT EVEN MENTIONED. So - where was all that creativity they had been talking so much of?
I blew my top off, when someone came to the forum very proud of herself, because she and her siblings had force-cleaned their mother's house while she had been in hospital, thrown away all her collections, stolen her hoard and reduced her into a worthless nuisance - and the ladies joined in praise...

To me that is inconsiderate, dictatorial power abuse. Totally unacceptable. EVERY SENSIBLE PERSON KNOWS HOARDING IS LIKE AN ADDICTION, AN ILLNESS AND YOU CANNOT "CURE" IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE, FROM OUTSIDE. Every hoarder must hit the rock bottom and cure themselves from inside, because the hoarding is just a symptom of something that is wrong, broken, twisted in the inside.

-----------------------

 (Yes, that's exactly the attitude. Wrinkling their noses and mocking their customers.)

A couple of days ago I happened to see an episode of an USonian tv-show "Clean House New York". (S1:E5; West Village of Vintage) Two obnoxious designers (Nina Ferrer and Michael Moeller) were visiting a multitalented man's tiny apartment in New York. The man, Paul, was a former model - still handsome and very good dresser. And he had clothes... Oh dear. Among other things.
Nina and Michael were constantly whining about "our design". They seemed to have the idea of that they'll get rid of everything - I mean ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, personal treasures, mementos, clothes - that was in the apartment before they came, preferably sell it, so that they got money for "their design". The design didn't seem to have anything to do with Paul, and I would like to know how much his apartment still looks as horrible as it did after Michael and Nina were done with it.

They were fooling around in the apartment, and Nina happened to kick his leg on a table and she got a bruise. And then she said to Paul "we could sue over this..." So - you were just minding your own business totally innocently, and the apartment attacked you? You have no responsibility of protecting yourself against aggressive furniture? Or are you saying that in USA the owner of the apartment is responsible of the well-being of the people in the apartment even when he's not there?

They brought in an appraiser, Elyse Luray, who didn't seem to be able to find anything in the apartment worth anything, except for four things.
-  A piece of art Paul had made with note papers that had been on the floor and had been marked by the life of Paul and his dog. Not much worth for anyone but Paul. The "Design" included a large piece of art, but for some weird, inexplicable reason it couldn't be THIS piece of art, but a soulless, stupid and ugly NEW piece.
- An old leather sofa that was said to be from an MTV show. They never contacted MTV to verify this information, so the sofa was sold as an old, worn leather sofa, and obviously didn't bring that much money.
- A coffee table constructed from an old New York manhole cover.
- Paul's beloved Thom Browne jacket. I mean, the guy had a wall full of clothes, a lot of it designer wear, and the jacket is the only thing Elyse wanted, and she was very clearly showing how she did not like it when Paul refused to sell it, with her mouth twisted in disbelief and disgust... So classy.
Later she and Paul went to a second hand store with a pile of Paul's clothes and he was expected to happily sell his things for about 15 dollars a piece, when he had been promised a lot more. They really should have made him choose a manageable wardrobe - he said himself he had enough clothes to keep 10 men well dressed! And then Elyse should have taken the rest of the clothes to a second hand shop ALONE, and let Michael and Nina distract Paul with other stuff, like needing to go through the other stuff while Elyse was gone. And Elyse should really have worked her relations to get the best possible price for the clothes.

These horrible people weren't showing any compassion to the obvious distress Paul was having as he was forced to go through his belongings and give up most of it.When Paul finally snapped after having been pushed too hard, it was called "Paul's flair for the overly dramatic becomes a problem when he lashes out at Nina". NINA being an insensitive bitch is not a problem, it's PAUL and his "flair for the overly dramatic".
(I just love the USonian way of brushing off every unwanted reaction, how ever justified and understandable, as "drama" - with drama :-D. No need to try to understand WHY the person is reacting the way they do, it's not important, they are just being drama queens, trying to get attention, being over-sensitive, and, pish-posh, it's nothing to care about, they are just being big babies. *roll eyes, throw faces, yell, act all offended and cry* But *I* am NOT dramatic!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!!!)

They were behaving very disrespectfully and mockingly toward Paul. "Oh, no, he sings again!" (roll eyes, facepalm, laugh, make faces...). There was nothing wrong with his singing. There was nothing wrong with his "dramatics". Yes, he was very sensitive, passionate and immediate man, open, sincere, emotional... made me think he must have ADHD. I liked him very much.

And all the time, "our design, our design!" I think that was said at least 5 times during the show. "You must sell more so that WE get money for OUR HOLY AMAZING Design!"
One would have thought that the design had been worth it.
It wasn't.
The colors were horrible. Really ugly, strong colors that looked like something found from the bottom of paint jars from the 70's. Strong, screaming orange and green... and the green didn't go with the green in the curtains or the green of the plants, or any other color used in the room. The paintjob was sloppily done. The items were ugly and mismatched. Considering what Paul had hoarded, it didn't seem like his style.

THIS is what I expected to see:

I think this is Michael's design for a tailor's shop. Paul was using very neutral and basic colors, the apartment was painted white (it had been orange when Paul moved in), and his passion for fashion could have been used to become part of The Design... but no.Michael seemed to take pride of insisting of giving him a "full-size bed and a normal-sized wardrobe", while Paul would probably rather have taken a small bed and a walk-in closet, like any fashionist.

I hate designers like that. "MY taste is better than YOUR taste, because *I* am a DESIGNER!!! and I don't give a crap about you, your wishes and hopes and needs, because I'm The Designer and I Have A Design!!!!" I hate the designers who insist on getting their ideas through and manipulating people to use more money than they actually have and would want to use, because these designers are too stupid to figure out how to get the same look with less money, and too in love with themselves and The Design, to "kill their darlings", and to realize its not THEIR experimental playground, it's the CUSTOMER's home.

(Interestingly enough, neither of these designers appreciate this job enough to showcase it on their homepage... and it was done in national television 2011... I say that's very telling.)

----------------------

And this morning I was reading "Simple Abundance" by Sarah Ban Breathnach, and about cleaning kitchen... (June 9th)
First she says how grateful she is to her husband who seems to bear the biggest weight of cleaning the kitchen, then she says (freely translated from my Swedish copy)
"The moment of truth is in when [your husband] tries to take up things from garbage: the awful, scratched teflon frying pan, all too well fried, from his college time. Wine making apparatus from a previous life. Or the sandwich grill one can never wash properly because of the dingling electrical cord. Just throw these nostalgic treasures away in secret."

WHAT! So HE is to respect your moldy vintage magazines and other crap you save, but YOU don't need to mind things that are important to him, because that's obviously rubbish. That's how you show your gratitude to him for sharing in household chores? Why, it's YOUR home, YOUR house, YOU are the woman, so YOU decide what stays and what goes, YOU design, YOUR preferences are what matters. Just ignore everyone elses, that makes it so much easier for you to get the home YOU want. It's all about you anyway, you and no-one else. It's YOUR husband, YOUR children, YOUR dog, YOUR kitchen - even when you don't even clean it - YOUR living room, YOUR bedroom, YOUR bathroom, YOURS, YOURS, YOURS!!!

I don't like people much right now

I have Asperger's. Every now and then I do things and say things that could have been done or said in a better, more functional, diplomatic and graceful manner. We all do, don't we. :->

Now I have been thinking about this for a while and I have already come to the end of the story long time ago... but - Uh.

Anyway - I said something, with - no, not with all the best intentions. I didn't much intent anything. Except that I'm pretty pedantic - like all Aspies - and one thing that is like a red cloth for a bull is when people... well, I don't know how to name it. When they bring forth something that doesn't belong there... Off topic. Irrelevant. Beside the point, extraneous, foreign, garbage, immaterial, impertinent, inapplicable, inapposite, inappropriate, inappurtenant, inapropos, inapt, inconsequent, inconsequential, insignificant, not connected with, not germane, not pertaining to, off the point, off the topic, out of order, out of place, outside, pointless, remote, trivial, unapt, unconnected, unimportant, unnecessary, unrelated, without reference", as the thesaurus suggests as synonyms. Well... doing that is acceptable, because we all make mistakes, but when they refuse to acknowledge they have made a mistake, they refuse to correct the mistake and they demand that you give their stupidity as much space as all the legitimate choices... THAT makes me ballistic.
I have mellowed down a lot and will continue mellowing, but... I can't stand irrelevancy.
Unless they can explain it well... because I adore intelligence and individuality. I love people with ADHD. Trying to be different just to be different and p'ing people off, just because you can, that is despicable.

Anyway, I pointed out an irrelevancy and the person took it very badly.

I'm flabbergasted. But - yeah, things like this happen. Some people can't take critique in any form. They just cannot. I am not in position to criticize her for that, just look at how I reacted on what happened the 17th of February... I'm still yapping about it and crying and feeling really bad and all that. So - I can relate, even though I think there is a difference... but I would now, wouldn't I. There IS a huge difference. I had a relationship that had lasted over half a year with these people, this woman hadn't even heard of me before this comment. I trusted these people and had given my wellbeing in their hands and they abused their power. This woman has no reason to expect that no-one ever says anything critical about her actions on-line, on the contrary, and she's middle-aged and SHOULD KNOW BETTER than get upset by some random unknown person having an opinion on her ability to discern things. Which, BTW, stinks. My people cut off all communication - or almost all, sort of enough to make it worse, and I have been communicating - at least trying to communicate, which isn't easy when this woman seems to have her own definition to about everything I say, and she's really busy interpreting and trying to find excuses, so she doesn't even listen to me - but that's the point...

I have Asperger's so NOBODY bothers to try to listen to me, hear me out or understand me, and for some reason they seem to already have decided not to believe me... 
EVERYONE is having more or less wild and faulty interpretations and explanations to my words and actions and intentions, in stead of actually listening to me. If they did listen to me, they wouldn't need to try to figure out what I mean and why, because I say it...
Now, I do use a lot of words, speak to much and I am pretty muddled every now and then, so it can be hard to get my point, but - just ask. I have no problems with trying to simplify and say it clearer. My goal is not to be right - I usually am, and one doesn't learn anything from that, it's much more interesting to be wrong - but to reach an understanding.

I HATE it when people say "let's agree to disagree". WHY? What is ever reached with that attitude? Just enhancing the misunderstanding!

Ok. Not "nobody" and "everyone". Most people who don't know me seems to do these things, most neuronormal people, at least, and neurodifferent people who have adapted a bit too well to the NN social game... Hate that.

The point with this is that how the heck will I ever find my tribe and dare to go out there and do all the things I want to do, when I don't want to be around people?

I really need to get over myself.

Who f-ing cares?
Ok, so I am ugly. Who cares? As if I was the only ugly person in the world? As if being ugly was the worst thing a person can be? As if I had the obligation to keep clear from people as not to pest their pleasant lives? BULL! :-D
Ok, so I am not the most suave person on the planet? WHO CARES! :-D Most of the people are not!
Besides, people who do care are prejudices idiots and don't deserve to have their "sensibilities" considered, and the people who do, don't care :-)

Things not to say...

I have Asperger's.
I meet people all the time who tell me either a) I don't have Asperger's or b) everyone has some form of Asperger's.
Neither of those claims are true. Asperger's is a neurological defect that impacts my life in many ways and makes the challenges I meet every day very different from the challenges people with normal neurology meet. It is offensive to deny my reality or try to claim my reality as yours, because you have quirks and stuff.
We all do.
I know.
But we all don't have Asperger's.
I do.

The same way, I have BDD.
I look in the mirror and don't just see "imperfection" or "legitimately funky" features or "some aspect that could use improvement". I see a hideously ugly person, a troll, not only a troll, but a troll that is ugly even for a troll. I see a person who is so disgusting and repulsive, that it makes it hard for other people to be around me. I'm so ugly people must really fight to be able to smile and be nice and kind to me.

My family says they think I'm beautiful, but they would, now, wouldn't they. They are my family. They have lived with me since I was a baby (I'm the youngest) so they are used to how I look. Besides, they see ME, not my shell.
My husband thinks I'm beautiful, but he would, now, wouldn't he. He's my husband.
But the rest of the world... I'm 100% convinced that they see an ugly, hideous, disgusting, repulsive troll, that's why they look at me, that's why they laugh at me, that's what they discuss when I'm around. It is humiliating to go outside. I didn't do anything to deserve this ugliness. I don't understand why the rest of my family looks better than people in average, but in me the features that made my parents beautiful, are so awful on me. I inherited the worst bits in the worst possible combination.
And there's nothing I can do to improve things.
I look even worse with make-up and when I dress nicely, I look like a cross-dressing chimpanzee. Transvestite troll from hell.

I bet the majority of the world does NOT feel that way about their "imperfection" and "aspects that could use improvement".
Saying that "we are all victims" is just offensive, insensitive and ignorant.

I'm a quitter

I'm a quitter. When ever there's the slightest sight of problems, I quit.

I am doing tummy exercises.
I don't understand how this one exercise is supposed to be done, so I don't do it.
Or any of the following ones either...
I quit.

PT rolls his eyes and sighs.
"Come on, now. If you don't know how to do it, just skip it, and move on to the next one. Besides, I'm sure you're doing it fine. No, your legs won't raise as high as the girl's in the photos, so what? It feels in your abs, doesn't it? It doesn't hurt, does it? So you're doing it right. So, hop-hop! On with it, gal!"

*sigh*

I try again. It doesn't feel right. I quit.

"Ok... skip it. Move on to the next."

I don't. I'm bothered by this exercise. I should be able to do it. If I don't do it, how will I ever be able to do anything?

"Done is better than perfect. It is better you do 6 exercises and skip one, than do one, fail in the second and do nothing more. It's just one exercise! You don't need it! You don't ever NEED to do that specific exercise! And, perhaps, after you have done the abs workout for a couple of weeks, you'll try it again, and find that you actually understand how it's done and can do it too. So - for now, we skip it."

"mmm..." I'm not sure about that. It doesn't feel right.

"SKIP THE EXERCISE AND MOVE ON TO THE NEXT ONE. 10 SECONDS! 10...9...8..."

*@#%&

But I did it.
And I did the exercise I couldn't figure out.
And also the "back against the wall lift legs" DANG!!!
I didn't do them well. I did them shaking and grinning and gasping and whining, but I did them.

I'm shocked and disgusted by my bad physical condition. That is one reason to why I don't do anything... I don't want to think about how bad it is, how down I have let myself go during the last 20 years of my life.
I wish someone had told me...
If I could go back in time, I'd tell myself to finish what I start, even when it doesn't feel worth it at the time, and I'd tell myself to start eating 6 small meals a day in 2 hours' interval and keep running and walking and exercising and doing everything I think seems interesting. To keep my physical fitness...
about 3000 meters in Cooper's test when I was 16...
Right now I don't think I'd manage half of it.
But - I have done that. *I* did it. That was ME. Then.
I have done that, I can do it again. And I will.

But my PT is pretty p'd off with me right now. The last few days I have been whining and quitting and skipping and not doing what I need to do, and he can't force me.
Oh, the excuses... "I'm really tired, I need to sleep..." "I have fibro flame, I'm in pain..." (yes, I know... but I'll be in pain whether I exercise or not, and it will help in the long run if I exercise, so... I count this as an excuse as well. I don't need to do high impact exercise, but I need to move). "I don't understand how this move is supposed to be done", "I can't do that", "I'm so weak and in bad condition, I'm ashamed of myself, disgusted of myself, I can't stand myself..."
My PT tries to say "Do the exercise first, just give me half an hour, then you can go and sleep". "You don't need to understand the exercise, just do your best. You'll get there". "You can't do it now, but you will, eventually, if you do your best now." "you'll get stronger, more fit, you'll stop being ashamed and disgusted of yourself, but only if you work out!" "Just give me your best effort. I don't expect perfect. I don't expect you can do everything I ask you to do. But I want you to at least try."

Bah.

Tomorrow I'll have a meeting with my PT at 7 and I'll do the workout.

BTW, my husband hid the scales. I was really sad today because I have been a good girl (or... 3/4 of a good girl anyway) the last two weeks and last week Sunday I weighed as much as on Monday, and it felt like nothing I do makes any difference, so why the hell do anything.)