Now I have been thinking about this for a while and I have already come to the end of the story long time ago... but - Uh.
Anyway - I said something, with - no, not with all the best intentions. I didn't much intent anything. Except that I'm pretty pedantic - like all Aspies - and one thing that is like a red cloth for a bull is when people... well, I don't know how to name it. When they bring forth something that doesn't belong there... Off topic. Irrelevant. Beside the point, extraneous, foreign, garbage, immaterial, impertinent, inapplicable, inapposite, inappropriate, inappurtenant, inapropos, inapt, inconsequent, inconsequential, insignificant, not connected with, not germane, not pertaining to, off the point, off the topic, out of order, out of place, outside, pointless, remote, trivial, unapt, unconnected, unimportant, unnecessary, unrelated, without reference", as the thesaurus suggests as synonyms. Well... doing that is acceptable, because we all make mistakes, but when they refuse to acknowledge they have made a mistake, they refuse to correct the mistake and they demand that you give their stupidity as much space as all the legitimate choices... THAT makes me ballistic.
I have mellowed down a lot and will continue mellowing, but... I can't stand irrelevancy.
Unless they can explain it well... because I adore intelligence and individuality. I love people with ADHD. Trying to be different just to be different and p'ing people off, just because you can, that is despicable.
Anyway, I pointed out an irrelevancy and the person took it very badly.
I'm flabbergasted. But - yeah, things like this happen. Some people can't take critique in any form. They just cannot. I am not in position to criticize her for that, just look at how I reacted on what happened the 17th of February... I'm still yapping about it and crying and feeling really bad and all that. So - I can relate, even though I think there is a difference... but I would now, wouldn't I. There IS a huge difference. I had a relationship that had lasted over half a year with these people, this woman hadn't even heard of me before this comment. I trusted these people and had given my wellbeing in their hands and they abused their power. This woman has no reason to expect that no-one ever says anything critical about her actions on-line, on the contrary, and she's middle-aged and SHOULD KNOW BETTER than get upset by some random unknown person having an opinion on her ability to discern things. Which, BTW, stinks. My people cut off all communication - or almost all, sort of enough to make it worse, and I have been communicating - at least trying to communicate, which isn't easy when this woman seems to have her own definition to about everything I say, and she's really busy interpreting and trying to find excuses, so she doesn't even listen to me - but that's the point...
I have Asperger's so NOBODY bothers to try to listen to me, hear me out or understand me, and for some reason they seem to already have decided not to believe me...
EVERYONE is having more or less wild and faulty interpretations and explanations to my words and actions and intentions, in stead of actually listening to me. If they did listen to me, they wouldn't need to try to figure out what I mean and why, because I say it...
Now, I do use a lot of words, speak to much and I am pretty muddled every now and then, so it can be hard to get my point, but - just ask. I have no problems with trying to simplify and say it clearer. My goal is not to be right - I usually am, and one doesn't learn anything from that, it's much more interesting to be wrong - but to reach an understanding.
I HATE it when people say "let's agree to disagree". WHY? What is ever reached with that attitude? Just enhancing the misunderstanding!
Ok. Not "nobody" and "everyone". Most people who don't know me seems to do these things, most neuronormal people, at least, and neurodifferent people who have adapted a bit too well to the NN social game... Hate that.
The point with this is that how the heck will I ever find my tribe and dare to go out there and do all the things I want to do, when I don't want to be around people?
I really need to get over myself.
Who f-ing cares?
Ok, so I am ugly. Who cares? As if I was the only ugly person in the world? As if being ugly was the worst thing a person can be? As if I had the obligation to keep clear from people as not to pest their pleasant lives? BULL! :-D
Ok, so I am not the most suave person on the planet? WHO CARES! :-D Most of the people are not!
Besides, people who do care are prejudices idiots and don't deserve to have their "sensibilities" considered, and the people who do, don't care :-)
Hi hun:)...this is very compelling and I see there are zero comments to soooo many of your heartfelt posts here :(
ReplyDeleteI just read this blog (one of my friends pointed me this way...you have so many blogs...I have not read most of them) but even after our own "meeting" on Pinterest----I honestly feel compassion towards you...and am sad that no one here has reached out to you...or commented... and that is why I am choosing to comment here (even tho I said I was going to ignore you ). However I do admit that I think this will be my last comment towards you...I guess I just want to say that I sort of understand now why you came at me the way that you did when we were complete strangers :)
I also have Fibro (and have had degenerative arthritis diagnosed at the age of 30 ) but I consider myself very fortunate that I was always extremely athletic thin + I am 5' 11" and brought up in a family of self employed hard working do it yourself people...and now it is indeed getting to where I have many bad days because I have reached the age of 50 ..but I cherish all of the days that are better than the bad ones..I still work at least 40 hours a week at my day job and I still manage to create things in my spare time..I am still very very lucky that I can do this..but I think it is because I have a very strong positive mind...(not that I think I am smarter or right all of the time)....I am just very strong willed and determined to make the best of a situation and to be thankful for what I still have :) ( so I think that with my own situation I may be only slightly able to understand your pain.) All I can say is that you state things like
"My goal is not to be right - I usually am"
and I think that this is a big part of the problem....you have some sort of false sense of being right even when you are not right and this leads you into some of the "conflicts" that you encounter. All I can add here is that MANY MANY people who do not have Aspergers....often feel a disconnect..that they see things differently and they always feel that others do not understand and do not listen to them. To me the difference that I can see is that people who do not have this disorder do not for some reason think that they are always "right". Best wishes...and all I can add as a thought is that myself...if I know I am right..I do not feel a need to argue or to make others agree....only when I QUESTION if I am right ? .. does it lead to any further discussion or argument..my only suggestion in the future would be that if you know you are right and that is what you truly think in your own mind..then there really is no reason to start an argument...and no reason to even have a discussion about it.... just feel happy that you know you are always right and maybe you might be happier and learn to like yourself more as a result of that? I hope you end up liking yourself and honestly...hope you find that someday.
It was really nice of you to comment, and on your independence day, too! I wish you independence day was as wonderful as it can be, with nice weather and all.
ReplyDeleteYou probably won't be reading this, or not commenting - it's ok. But I have to say something here.
"BEING RIGHT" IS IRRELEVANT. It's not important, it's not interesting, it's not... anything. The only thing one gets from "being right" is... well... being right. It doesn't make me happy to know I'm right. What makes me happy is things like when our dog acts goofy, or being loved by my husband, or seeing the first cherry blossoms, and such. That makes my heart sing and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Being right doesn't do that. It doesn't do anything. I don't care if I'm right or wrong, I care about reaching an understanding.
I don't think I'm always right. I know I am usually right. There's a difference.
Besides, it's a joke. Perhaps it's an incomprehensible Aspie joke that only I get. I just find the idea of that being right is somehow desirable and important, when it is so not, funny.
I know I'm right when I say "plaid is not striped". Every person on this planet would admit I'm right, unless they believe they have something to gain in not admitting it. Right now I don't understand what you think you'll gain by adamantly refusing to say "yes, you are right, plaid is not striped".
Do I have a need to "make you agree"? No.
I just don't get it how you cannot "agree" on that plaid is not striped, and that is something I need - I need to understand.
I have nothing against disagreement - heck, people have different opinions and that's what makes the world and life so wonderful - but in most cases "agree to disagree" is a way to avoid arguments, and in most cases arguments are due to misunderstanding.
I suppose you don't really have any problems in admitting plaid is not striped, but it's something else you think I think I'm "right" about, and you think I'm "wrong" about it, and somehow admitting "plaid is not striped" has become admitting that other thing... And if you "agree to disagree", you won't ever know what it is I ACTUALLY think, and you won't ever find out that perhaps we ACTUALLY agree about the thing, but it SEEMS we disagree, because we are talking about two different things.
It is not helpful accusing me of being anti-American, having clouded perception etc. in stead of accepting that to me it IS a big issue that you try to sell plaid labeled as striped. (Of course it's not important, of course there's a lot of things in the world that are more important and worthy to use one's time and effort on, of course it's not a "gregarious sin" or what ever Karen said. *rolling eyes*)
You can mock me having sensibilities, but the truth is that we all have them... and none of us likes having our sensibilities offended. You just as little as I.
But - what ever. Doesn't matter.
Usually I simply don't follow boards where people pin "off-topic", but this was the Zibbet board and I wanted to follow it. But I happen to have this "personal sensibility"... So - I told you about a problem I had, and asked you to correct it - as you are the only person who can - and in stead of correcting the problem you chose another way to deal with it.
I suppose I could have asked you differently.
I suppose I shouldn't have asked at all, just moved on, because - what is Zibbet to me? Nothing, really. Pin what ever you like on any board, and if people follow or not, who cares. It really doesn't matter. Doesn't make any difference in my life.
I didn't say only people with Asperger's "feel a disconnect". I am saying that most, if not all people with Asperger's are misunderstood, not listened to, not heard, because people have difficulties following our meaning, and most neuronormal people don't even bother trying. That most neuronormal people don't bother listening to anyone doesn't change anything... It's not for nothing we feel we are on a wrong planet, that we are aliens, not really even humans...
ReplyDelete"To me the difference that I can see is that people who do not have this disorder do not for some reason think that they are always "right".
Ouch.
Neuronormal people ALWAYS believe to be "right" especially in contact with neurodifferent people. You see, we have been taught the society works by certain rules, words have certain meaning, you can refer to a dictionary and a lexicon to find out what is "right" - we try really hard to play "the social game", because "no man is an island" and "it's not good for the man to be alone". Human beings are social creatures, so we need to play The Game. That's why it is really important that EVERYONE plays by the rules... and the neuronormals don't play by those rules... You bend the rules, you invent new ones as it suits you - like in this case, you are creating a new definition to "striped" - you adapt, twist, jump over, ignore, break and abuse the rules... what ever fits your purposes. As most neuronormals don't bother much about what happens around them, and see what they want to see, hear what they want to hear, they don't even notice when this happens, but we do. "Hey, what's that, that doesn't belong, that's not right..." Relevancy... Important for Aspies, remember?. So we get confused, point out, ask questions, try to understand, try to find the rule or exception from the rule book, and as it's not there, we get upset. And as you do know that you indeed were breaking and adjusting the rules, and that we ARE "right", you get ashamed and upset, and one can be pretty sure of that you push the blame on us... and we take it, because we have also been told that we have no theory of mind, we are egocentric, almost sociopaths, socially incompetent, have no understanding of how people work... Which is not true. We are getting new information on how Autistic people function, as the focus in research is moving from psychology to neurology, and people like Temple Grandin are being listened to and heard and understood, when people let go of their misunderstanding and preconceived notions, and start to realize that we are MORE - more sensitive, more empathic, more compassionate, more socially adept - that the reason to why most Autistic children play alone is that they already know the rules of social interaction, because they are self-evident and logical, but they are also so sensitive being with people gets PHYSICALLY PAINFUL...
AND WE ARE USUALLY RIGHT. It's just another fact neuronormal people cannot deal with, because you put values into it that are not there.
I'm glad to tell you that I actually do like myself. I just don't like the way I look and I don't think people like me much... at least, sometimes.
And I don't like people much. At least, sometimes.
I'm so sorry to hear you have degenerative arthritis and fibromyalgia. You have my full compassion. It is truly wonderful that you have the energy, determination, attitude and upbringing that keeps you active with your life, and Zibbet and all. That I do envy, but I hope I'll manage to redo some of my upbringing. :-D
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