Now, I have had my speculations and ideas and theories, but never those that seem to be pretty correct right now.
I was really, really, really devastated to find out that a time that had been very good for me was ending.
I was almost hysterical, fighting with fear, confusion, sadness, disappointment... I was very upset, and I did something I shouldn't have.
Now, if my playmate had been the sympathetic adult I thought he was, he would have been able to help me through it.
He wasn't and he didn't.
I have had hundreds of different explanations.
One was that I am so hideous and repulsive I made a middle-aged man run to mommy throwing up.
Apparently that is quite close to the reality.
The funniest thing with this is that I am surprised to find out that I indeed was correct all the time :-D
Well, there are some details in this story that make the picture a lot different.
I have Aspergers. They say people with Aspergers don't have theory of mind. They describe "theory of mind" as compassion and empathy, and to say people with Aspergers don't have compassion and empathy is bullshit. (Excuse my English). We do have that. But what I lack is the ability to...
Uh. I'm circling the issue here :-D
I thought he was not responding to my mails because he had been forbidden.
I wrote him mails, trying to persuade him to give me a closure. Not manipulate, no. I wrote heart-felt, sincere mails, about how I saw the issue, how I felt, how much this was hurting me, how badly I was doing, hoping he would have mercy, compassion, kindness, soften his heart and do "the right thing", to help the poor, suffering... piece of crap. I begged his forgiveness for my insolence to even think I could have a crush on him.
I thought he didn't read my mails. I thought he just passed them straight to the trash.
But - it seems he did read them.
You see, I made all kinds of plans to make him meet me and to bid me farewell.
I was hoping to persuade his commonlaw wife to speak for me. But - why would she?
Then I planned on making him a basket of goodies, especially designed for him, to pay for his time. I can draw. I am very good at it. So I thought that "every parent loves their children, he must appreciate a portrait of his daughters!"
So I looked up his daughters, and to be sure, I asked one of them, if she indeed was his daughter.
At this point she was very friendly.
A couple of weeks later I contacted her again, to show her the finished picture.
Apparently she had gone to her dad and asked him who I am...
And apparently he told her I was this insane woman who was stalking him.
And she wasn't friendly at all, anymore.
It might be obvious to you that looking up his wife and daughters could be seen as stalking, but to me it was a surprise. And a shock.
I mean... here I had been pottering with the basket, thinking about the stuff I'd fill it with, what I'd make, wondering if he'd like these cookies more, or those, imagining how glad he would be to see a picture of his daughters... and not once did I think that he would not be at all happy, on the contrary, he would be scared shitless and angry, because I had been stalking his babies!
I apologized to his daughter, ripped the picture, deleted everything connected to him, his daughters and wife, and anything that had to do with him. (And it hurt to destroy the picture. I had really been working with it, and it was really good, but no-one wants anything from a person they see as a stalker in their homes, and most certainly they want to have this person in any way connected to their loved ones.)
Then I wrote to him, and explained everything I had done, so that he didn't need to worry.
Anyway, when they talk about the lack of theory of mind, this is what they are talking about.
The idea of that he'd see me as A STALKER didn't even visit my mind! I was fully convinced that he saw me as the pathetic crap as I did! Crap, sure, but harmless.
Stalkers are not harmless.
I am amazed that he gives me that much power.
I am amazed that he gives me that much thought.
And I am amazed by how little he listened to me during the 8 months I was pouring my soul to him. I mean... I was talking about my dreams and hopes and wishes and fears and thoughts and... I was talking about God and spirituality and being a witch, I was talking about dancing barefeet in the soft kisses of rain... for heaven's sake! I was showing my whole naîve, sensitive nature child soul to him in all its glory and innocence, and the idiot didn't even listen enough to understand that that kind of a person would not stalk anyone!
I am deeply saddened by that I have been wasting over a year on crying about that kind of a man not telling me "good bye"...
I am somewhat flabbergasted by that I thought I was in love with that kind of a man.
Right now I find it hard to even define him as a man. My idea of a man is quite different.
My psychiatrist told me that he probably thought I was charming (because I am), and got afraid by his own feelings, and started wondering what he had done to encourage it, when he read the words "I have a crush on you". That he overcorrected his line of action and from being too friendly became too unfriendly. And as the emotions are responses to our actions he got afraid of me, and started thinking all kinds of stupid things.
Makes me happy of not being neuronormal, I can say.
Love is not scary. Love is not threatening. Love doesn't hurt you, love doesn't make you feel bad, love doesn't make you angry or sad... love is a lovely thing.
I never expected anything from him, except normal decency. I certainly have been having fantasies about him and me, but I assumed that he loves his commonlaw wife as much as I love my husband - and he loves me, and that there is no place for me in his life, just as there is no place for him in mine.
And here he has been scared of me and what I might do to him. It must have been horrible to hear the question from his daughter... "this Ketutar, who is she?"
"Oh, no, she has found my child!"
I am also very interested to find this concern and compassion towards him under all the feelings... I wrote to him and told him exactly what I have done, so that he knows what this "stalking" consists of.
I did it to ease his mind, but he might be so scared he doesn't get that.
And it makes me astounded.
I also went through my mailbox and moved every mail I have ever written to him or his colleagues in a file and gave it to my husband for safekeep, so that I don't have his email address in my mailbox anymore.
While I was doing that, I read my mails. I find it hard to think that's me... the woman is so... amazing. Serious, funny, sensitive, concerned, full of thoughts and emotions, interesting... Amazing. Reading the mails make me want to know that woman. :-D
Funny, how we can't see ourselves as others do.
Though I'm really happy I can't see me as this guy and his family sees me.
Brr...
I mean... I am not just fluff and rainbows. I am very intelligent, and - as said, over and over again - I have Aspergers, and most people have the idea that Aspies are psychopaths. I wouldn't be at all surprised, if he's thinking about mail bombs and hacking the computers and... and... Blergh.
And that thought makes me really angry with him.
There I spent eight months being open and sincere and talking to him about everything, and he thinks I'm capable of stalking!
How DARES he be afraid of ME!
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