I confess...

I called him.

He didn't sound to be upset about that. He sounded to be ok with talking with me.
But he didn't want to meet me.
"Let's say "merry Christmas" and leave it at that..." he said.
"Merry Christmas", said I.
Now I need to leave it at that.

I don't want to.
I really wanted another result.

*sigh*

Let's take the positives.
He answered.
He didn't yell at me, scream at me, swear at me, call me names, or hang up on me.
He listened. He answered. He talked with me. 
He wished me merry Christmas.

And the best thing, to me. I dared to call.
I had a discussion with God yesterday. If I'm awake at 7, I'll call him. God woke me up at 7.
I asked for courage to call, and courage to take what may come.
This is for the best.
I received my answer.

Yet I wanted a different one.
*sigh*

I wanted to meet him. I want to be able to...
oh...
I just realized something. He did remember me.

That makes me glad. :-)

I want to be able to meet him and greet him with kindness and not panic, not get hysterical or furious.

I will have to get there without him. Perhaps we will never meet again.

So - on with other stuff.

I need to get a better self esteem. It's all about that.
I need to stop waiting for someone else to give me things. I need to get independent.
I also need to learn to accept help.

Yesterday I felt really, really bad, because I can't control anything in my life.
Men don't love you because you are beautiful. Beauty really matters very little. It's not pretty girls who get all I want, it's also ugly girls. So, I won't get what I want by being beautiful. Beauty really doesn't matter as much as I thought it does.
People are not nice to you because you are nice to them. It's nice people who are nice to you, totally regardless of how nice you are. But people also don't much care if you are nasty. You won't spoil anyone's day by being a sourpuss. Except your own...
I won't get what I deserve. Not the good, nor the bad.
I won't get what I am entitled to.
Fortune favors the bold. I get what I take. I get what I give, allow to myself...
And just as I interpret the "signs" around me to mean what I want them to mean, what I believe they mean, the same way I interpret what "happens to me"...
It's all in the attitude.
All you need is love. Self-love. Self-esteem. Self-confidence. Self-reliance.

“Nothing in this world can take the place of PERSISTENCE.
Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent.
Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.
Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.
The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”

― Calvin Coolidge