I deserve better

I read a blog entry by a woman trying to lose some weight. She's 71 kilos right now. What would I not give to be that slim again?

When I broke the 90 kilos line, I was shocked. I cried, I swore I'll never weigh that much again, I'll take off the pounds and weigh under 90 again, even if it killed me.
Then I broke the 100 kilos line... I was shocked. I cried. I swore, I made promises, I took long walks and ate nothing for a couple of days.
Then I broke the 105 kilos line. The same thing happened.  
Now I'm 108.

The best way to lose weight has been so far not losing weight but changing lifestyle. When you live like a skinny person, you are a skinny person. To me it's not eating white flour or sugar, and not adding any fat to my food. Fried food is okay, sandwiches not. My worst desire is bread and pasta, and that is something I shouldn't be eating. At least, not that often.
Also, I need to walk a lot daily. I like walking, in the beautiful nature around us. I like exercise and activity. I like sports. Nevertheless, when it comes to choosing, I choose to sit by the computer or television and do "nothing"... I choose to write, I choose to read, I choose to craft...

So - what would I not give to be that slim again? I would not give up baked sugary goods, pasta, bread and butter... I would not give up one hour from my sitting time. I would not bother to shop and prepare for a good meals... That's it. It's not "sacrifice your firstborn" or "cut off your left arm" kind of things we fat people are being asked to stop being fat and start being slim. It's all very sensible and even enjoyable things! Exercvise releases "feel good" hormones. The nature is always beautiful. Always. How enjoyable it is to move, when you move with ease, and that means being fit, and that means, exercising... The more one moves, the easier it becomes to move. Wouldn't that be nice? And, actually, I would eat BETTER if I ate "the slim way". More veggies, less starch, more colors on the plate... I would eat less and my tummy would feel better.
Right now I'm sitting here with heartburn, because yesterday - yes, yesterday, some 10-12 hours ago, I ate a big bowl of pasta with a couple of heavily buttered slices of bread... So THIS feeling is something I'M NOT READY TO GIVE UP! I "deserve" to eat pasta and heavily buttered bread... I mean... Deserve? I deserve to be fat and have heartburn?
Ah... That's the point, isn't it... really.

I am ashamed to be this fat. I feel bad for myself, because I have to "give up" "the last" luxuries and enjoyable things, I have to "sacrifice" the sweets and other delicious things, I may not do this or eat that, I have to "torture" myself, I have to "deprive" myself, I have to whip myself and do things I don't want to do... I pity myself, and then I want to eat more comfort food. And then, as the weight goes up and not down, I'll be in shock and I'll cry and feel really, really bad about myself.

The truth is that I'm not ready to give up "anything" to weigh less than 80 kilos again. If I could give my soul or something else impossible - that is, nothing - I would. In a heartbeat. I want a miracle. I want to be able to eat as I do now, and do what I do right now, but be like a person who eats well and does a lot. For free. Anything else is "unfair"... ???

And as I am not ready to give up anything to weigh less than 80 kilos, I will not weigh less than 80 kilos.

I know this, I know all this so well... but for some reason, when one sits there and starts lusting for something good to eat, the choice isn't that obvious... "I've been so good the last days, I DESERVE!" "I need to REWAD myself for being such a good girl!"
The truth is that I DESERVE a body that works, does what I ask of it.
I DESERVE to sleep my nights well and wake up rested and happy. Right now I have sleep apnea.
I DESERVE to be as beautiful and slender and be able to wear pretty clothes that look good on me.
I DESERVE to be able to keep up with any group of people doing things, from clubbing to walking to sightseeing to anything.
I DESERVE to be able to breathe easily. Last night I couldn't breathe... I woke up, changed position, and still couldn't breathe. I was getting a bit panicky. Overweight is not good for your asthma...
I DESERVE to take dance classes and get active with all kinds of sports.
I DESERVE to start martial arts, parkour and rock climbing.
I DESERVE rewards that don't hurt me.
I DESERVE real friends, not imaginary friendship of inanimate objects like food.

I deserve to be loved, not hated - by myself.