Second day with Atkins, again.
103.5 kilos.
Mood: sad

I reread what I had written some time ago. The 17 tips I give still count.

Blah...

I feel absolutely horrible.
I weigh 105 kilos now. I just want to eat. Eat, eat, eat... I want candy, I want fresh bread with jam and butter, I want pancakes, pasta with creamy sauce, sausages with bread and butter... I want brownies, pie, cake and desserts, I want...
I need to lose weight. I have been steadily GAINING weight since this weight loss project started. I have been giving in to every whim and fancy, eating what I want, when I want and also when I'm bored or have nothing else to do.
I feel lowsy... Not because I'm fat and can't lose weight, that's ok. But because I'm really, really, really horribly depressed, sad, miserable, with a dash of anxiety and apathy, if that's even possible. All I really want to do is sleep and lie down staring at the ceiling and sleep some more.
And I can't do that. Because then I will be eating.

I told myself yesterday that no overweight person is ever hungry. Not really. It's just the body's effort to keep the weight it has, how ever harmful that is to the body itself. That's the way we have been programmed. Also, most fat people are undernourished. Naturally, as we mostly eat carbs and fat. There isn't that much nutrition in carbs and fat. So, I'm taking my vitamins and drinking my water and writing a list of things I'm going to eat when I'm back at 80 kilos.

I'll get under BMI 35 at 98 kilos, BMI 30 is at 84 kilos, and 70 kilos is just under BMI 25. I know the problems with BMI, but in my situation that's good enough.
First I want back under 100 kilos. Then I want back to BMI 20-something, even if it's 29.8 Then  want under BMI 25 and then under 70 kilos.

I don't remember being under 70 kilos my adult life... It's weird, because I was size 42 in gymnasium. (US 8, UK 12, High School, age 18). I was an athlete, which means that was mostly muscle, and I was pretty slim... I look at my photos and I'm amazed by how thin I look... But my sisters were smaller, my class mates were smaller, and I had the idea that I was a fat pig already then... I still remember how my sister was talking about my weight with another sister in telephone, about how quickly I eat and how I get fatter and fatter all the time...
I remember coming home from school, and how there was nothing much to eat, so I made myself something, and usually it was something with sugar. Oh, how I want to go to the kitchen and boil myself a batch of fudge right now... How I wish there had been someone to see I had a healthy snack waiting.
I have Asperger's and that makes me really picky with food, and I didn't like school food, so I was hungry like a wolf when I got home from school.

I'm bitter and sad. I can't do this. I am tired and sad. I don't even have money enough to buy myself something enjoyable. I don't like bathing and spa. I have no serenity to sit down and read. I can't afford buying craft materials, and the damn moths and carpet beetles are eating their way through my stash quicker than I can knit and crochet it, and they also eat their way through my creations. I have been forced to throw away all the sock I've knitted, because they are so full of holes one cannot mend them. I'd like to do some scrapbooking, but... it's not fun without all the stamps and stickers and papers and pens and scissors and cutters and stuff. I can't do this because I have no that, and so on and so forth.
I could do art. I don't feel like doing art. I think I'm unimaginative, not very good at it, and I don't know what to do. Sure, I could sit here and copy, copy, copy, draw animals and so on... really cute. People might perhaps even buy those things. I'm not that bad. But I want to get into Konstfack/Taideteollinen korkeakoulu, and...

I will never become anything, and that hurts. Right now I wonder if there ever was anything worth anything, ever, in me, or did I waste all my talents and gifts in doing nothing?

Why couldn't I get in school already when I was 18? What was wrong with me? How was I lacking? How could I improve when I don't know what is missing? How could I mend the problem when I don't know what it is? How could I change when I don't know what's wrong? I can't... and I won't, and I won't ever get in the K/T and I will never become anything more than I'm now. Senttaali-Sanna. Sadan kilon keijukainen. Tenth ton piece of worthless blob.

Also, I won nothing in OWOH this year either. Right now I cannot think of anything fun and enjoyable, except eating, and that I may not do, because I weight 105 kilos...

New year, old deeds...

It's 2011 and I weigh 104 kilos. I have never been this heavy in my life. I can barely breath, I suffer from sleep apnea, which causes me to be tired all the time, irritable, depressed, I am losing my memory and concentration, higher blood pressure, heart problems... and all kinds of other things.
Obesity itself causes
•    ischemic heart disease: angina and myocardial infarction
•    congestive heart failure
•    high blood pressure
•    abnormal cholesterol levels
•    deep vein thrombosis and pulmonary embolism
•    diabetes mellitus
•    polycystic ovarian syndrome
•    menstrual disorders
•    infertility
•    complications during pregnancy
•    birth defects
•    intrauterine fetal death
•    stroke
•    meralgia paresthetica
•    migraines
•    carpal tunnel syndrome
•    dementia
•    idiopathic intracranial hypertension
•    multiple sclerosis
•    depression
•    social stigmatization
•    gout
•    poor mobility
•    osteoarthritis
•    low back pain
•    stretch marks
•    acanthosis nigricans
•    lymphedema
•    cellulitis
•    hirsutism
•    intertrigo
•    gastroesophageal reflux disease
•    fatty liver disease
•    cholelithiasis (gallstones)
•    obstructive sleep apnea
•    obesity hypoventilation syndrome
•    asthma
•    increased complications during general anaesthesia
•    erectile dysfunction
•    urinary incontinence
•    chronic renal failure
•    hypogonadism
cancer;
•    breast, ovarian
•    esophageal, colorectal
•    liver, pancreatic
•    gallbladder, stomach
•    endometrial, cervical
•    prostate, kidney
•    non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, multiple myeloma

I MUST loose weight. I NEED to loose weight. I WANT to loose weight. But for some reason I don't get this. My wrists hr like hll every day, I have asthma and sleep apnea, my blood pressure is getting quite high, and STILL I DON'T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY.

I know EXACTLY what I need to do right now. Eat less, move more. It really is that simple. But I don't do that. For some weird, sick, wicked reason I don't...
I complain about being sick, I mourn about all the things I cannot do anymore, but I do nothing to change the situation.
All that is something that happens to someone else, not me, even though
IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED TO ME.

Also, I think I'm ugly because of this. I don't want to be ugly.
Being size 50 means 90% of commercial fashion is not available for me. If I want clothes I like I have to make them. And it won't look as nice as when slim people are wearing it.

Why do I eat? Because I can. Because it's "affordable luxury", pleasure, joy, positive sensual experience...
Because I can do it at home.

Why don't I move? It's uncomfortable, even painful to move. It takes time, you can't do other things when you "move". I can't use the internet and exercise, I can't read a book and exercise, I can't craft and exercise...

But I'm dying... Can't do any of those things when I'm dead either.

Ok...

The next day after weighing 103,7 kilos, I weighed 102.7 (226 pounds). It was on the peak of my menstruation, so I was probably more "moist" than usually. One can think the kilo was pure water.

The mystery is that I weigh the same today, 102,7.
My waist is 43 inches in the narrowest place, making my approximate fat percentage about 37%
I have been avoiding sugar, white wheat and sandwiches, and exercising every day. I have exercised at least half an hour every day.

AND NOTHING HAPPENS!!!

Really. Why bother doing anything. *sigh*
I'm going to give this one more week, but if I still weigh over 102 kilos, I'll give up.
I NEED to see some results.

I hate this

I am desperately trying to avoid getting all depressed, by working on my writing, but it isn't working.
I am feeling hopeless. I have Asperger's. I know people with Asperger's are able to work almost like "normal" people, but... I don't want to. I have been trying for 40 years and it's just not working. It's like when you are learning foreign languages. There comes a point when you are so good at the new language, that people forget it's a foreign language to you, and they expect the same of you as of anyone speaking the language as their mothertongue.
I speak "social" almost fluently, and people expect me to be fluent in it. It is still strange to me, difficult, foreign, alien... I will get punished because I don't speak - or understand - it fluently, by people not wanting to be with me and do things with me. So I don't do things.
Now I'm tired of even trying to "talk social".
I am tired trying to get along with people, try to negotiate and compromise and make deals and get out of the communication what I need.

I have been exercising and eating ok for three days now, and it doesn't show anywhere. It feels totally useless. Why would I refuse myself some of the joys of life for nothing? Right now it is for nothing. I have been trying to change my weight for 20 years now, and I weigh more than 20 years ago. I weigh about 30 kilos more today than 20 years ago.

I started eating unhealthy things when I was a teenager, because I was lonely. I'm still eating unhealthy things because I am lonely. I am married, to another lonely person, and it feels like we are parts of one lonely entity. He is sick too, carrying his own burdens, that make it difficult and often practically impossible to do anything else but potter inside and try to make time pass. You don't need to be fit and thin to write, read, watch television and play with the computer.

I try to loose some weight to see if my pain would go away with the weight. It might well be some sort of nerves in jam in my neck due to my obesity that makes the fingers ache. But... my life stinks, even after I have tried doing something to change it. My fingers ache, but now my legs are killing me too, because I have been walking and jogging, and I weigh 100 kilos.

I have never had normal weight in my adulthood. I don't know what it is like. To me the choice to sweat, ache and cry now so that I may have the energy to do things or live longer is totally idiotic. No choice at all.
Live longer? For what? Why? What's so great about life, so that one would want to live to be 70, 80, 90, 100 or older? I watch my parents who are 75 and have all kinds of health problems. I read Katherine Hepburn's biography, and she, a woman who had been fit all her life, had all kinds of problems. Even the best of us will get old, weak and sick. What's so great about that?
I suppose I will spent the rest of my life the same way I have spent the life so far. Sitting home, reading, writing, creating, watching television, playing with the computer... And I have all the energy needed for that already.

So, to me the choice is having something tangible, real, enjoyable now, or denying that from myself, perhaps even do something difficult, heavy, painful and sweaty. so that PERHAPS some day in the future THAT NEVER COMES I would... what? WHAT?! Because it is not said my pain is because of my overweight. It CAN be fibromyalgia, and then I would be thin and fit and in pain, sitting by my computer, writing, reading, watching television and playing. Having denied myself a huge part of what I consider being luxury and luxury I can afford, for NOTHING.

I know I feel physically crap, and it MIGHT change if I lost weight, but this is the only reality I know, and even when it's not fun, it's tolerable. Acceptable. I cannot see how it would be any better if I lost 40 kilos and exercised and was fit, like I was when I was a teenager. I mean... I didn't have these pains, but I didn't have any friends either, or anything to do except read, write, create, watch television and play with the computer. Or, to be honest, I didn't have a computer and internet then, because I was a teenager in the 80's, and even though internet is about as old as I am, it didn't became even close to what it is now before late 90's.

I would like to practice martial arts, though, and my main excuse not to do that, is that I'm not fit... but... I am also a middle-aged woman with Asperger's, social phobia, panic anxiety and inherited bad knees... I don't think I would do anything about it even if I was fit.

I think I hate my life more than myself.

I have never been this heavy

This morning I weighed 103,7 kilos. That's 228 pounds. BMI 37. "Class II Obese". Not yet "morbidly obese", but getting there. Not even 9 kilos to go. (But only 5 kilos to go to Class I)
(My estimated body fat percentage is 36%)

It feels like I have been fighting overweight my whole adult life.
When I was 70+, I was thinking "not over 80".
When I was 80+, I was thinking "when it gets over 90...".
Then it got over 90. For a while I was shocked, then I got used to seeing the 9 as the first number of my weight...
Then came the horrible day my weight wasn't 2 numbers anymore. At that time I comforted myself by saying that "at least I'm lighter than my husband".
Now I cannot even say that. I weigh more than my husband.

I hate myself.

Defining beauty

Huh... This is me about 10 years ago - and 20 kilos ago. - with Marquardt's face mask.
Fascinating... my right eye is a bit higher than the left eye, and my chin is bigger than "perfect" and my forehead slightly narrower... and my eyebrows are a bit bushy. But the rest... Nice :-)

I wonder how well I would fit the jaw line if I was model weight... that is about 55 kilos. 45 kilos less than now. (Indeed, loosing half of me ;-))

I have always thought I'm ugly. I suppose I can stop that now :-D

On the other hand... here's Audrey Hepburn, chosen to the most beautiful woman of 20th century, according to QVC poll, and Angelina Jolie, the most beautiful woman of 20th century according to Harper

Audrey's face is too small to dr Marquardt, her eyes too big; Angelina's nose is too short and face too long, and lips too full... so - what's beauty?