What happened instead

"It is amazing, when we look back on what we thought we knew for absolutely sure that we wanted -- even things we grieved over because they never happened. It is amazing how blessed we were that those things never happened or because we never "got" the things we thought for sure that we wanted.

Think back, wonderful you. Think back and find those things. Think about what has happened INSTEAD. Think about where you are now, and what you have learned, and who you have become, and where you are headed, due largely in part to those things NOT happening that you were sure that wanted to happen."

Yeah... and how is it better?


I don't believe that there's The One, Mr. Right... I'm fully certain of that I would have made the best of the situation whom ever I was married to. So - not having the guys I wanted as my boyfriends... what has that given me? 
My husband is an amazing guy and I am very blessed to have him. It is quite possible that I would not have seen him, had I had a boyfriend, husband, had I dated anyone before him. But - if I had had a boyfriend, husband or previous romantic experiences, I'd probably wouldn't have missed not seeing him. 

And - even though I believe I have been good to my husband, and he might have ended killing himself several years ago, had I not seen him, and even though I think that's a good thing... 

Right now I don't know how saving him has changed the world, or will change the world.  

What I can see is the... 10 years of loneliness. 10 years of feeling worthless, 10 years of being rejected, shunned, bullied... 10 years of not being good enough, for anyone. No-one seeing anything worth having in me. 10+ years of building a lowsy self confidence and self worth.

"Kids with low self-esteem may not want to try new things and may speak negatively about themselves: "I'm stupid," "I'll never learn how to do this," or "What's the point? Nobody cares about me anyway." They may exhibit a low tolerance for frustration, giving up easily or waiting for somebody else to take over. They tend to be overly critical of and easily disappointed in themselves."

Yeah. That's me. Except, of course, I'm not stupid. I'm very intelligent. I can learn anything, be good at everything, I'm multitalented, amazing, brilliant... but I'm dumb. Naïve. Trusting, innocent, believing good of everyone and everything, overoptimistic, openminded, tolerant, loving and kind... with other words, an idiot.

You know what the funny part of this is? The world says over and over again, that being innocent, loving and kind, interested in people and the world, open and curious, childlike, is GOOD - but the world sure doesn't treat me that way. It treats me like the worthless idiot I am. 
They just see someone to take advantage of, and they do. And I am fully incapable to defend myself, or protect myself, or even prepare for the inevitable betrayal. Because I really, sincerely, honestly trust in everyone and believe the best of everyone... Even now, when I'm fighting the PTSD, feeling used and failed and rejected, when I scream to the people (in my mind. It's not that they'd bother even talking to me. They've got what they wanted. End of communication.) that I never should have trusted them, because they are untrustworthy, even now my first reaction to anyone is open interest and trust. I am an idiot. 

I'm highly intelligent, multitalented, there's nothing I can't learn, nothing I couldn't do with a little practice, and do well... and I'm good, kind and gentle... I'm brilliant and amazing.
And worthless. Nothing I am, nothing I can, is worth anything. The world just doesn't want me. 

That's what I got from not getting what I wanted when I was 10, 15, 20, 25...

I really don't understand how that is better than what I'd have if I actually had got what I wanted. 
I really can't see how anything could be worse.

Oh, yes. It could have been worse. Much worse.
I could have gotten pregnant when I was 14 with a guy who also gave me a disease that made my child severely handicapped and me infertile AND unable to ever have sex again. And then I could have ended up with a guy who beats me, and makes me feel ugly and worthless, and I could have suffered a major accident that made me unable to move, and just have to witness being abused and not being able to even speak... or witness my husband to molest my child and being unable to protect her/him... brrr...

That's one reason to why I am happy I don't have children. I'm sure I would have given them my Asperger's, so the poor kid would have been bullied and abused by the society just like I was, and I wouldn't be able to defend and protect him/her anyway. And I don't know if I could have given him/her the self esteem and information needed so that he/she could have protected and defended him/herself.

I am truly blessed by having the husband I have right now. He is... awesomeness :-D He is good and kind, he loves me, and he expresses that love with his words and body language and deeds every day in so many ways... he could write a book on how to love a woman. He could have written every decent love song, so every decent love song I hear is like him talking to me. And he's brilliant too. So amazing... 
Almost enough to compensate for the 10+ years. 
Almost. 

I should have been worth having both.

Are Walloons Roman?

In the 17th century a group of Walloons immigrated to Sweden. These people were smiths and their families. Now a lot of Swedes claim Walloon blood.

My family - well... the forefather of my father's family - comes from Sweden.
As far as I know we are NOT Walloons, but... we could be.

And, sure, I could be one of these ladies. Roman ladies painted by different artists.

Henryk Siemiradzki 

 Jean Leon Gerome 

Mary Cassatt 

Henryk Siemiradzki

Anselm Feuerbach; Roman woman

William Holman Hunt

Her eyebrows run right from the edges of her cheekbones 

and almost meet above her eyes. 

And what eyes! 

They are brighter than stars sparkling in a moonless night. 

Her nose is slightly hooked 

and her little mouth as kissable as Praxiteles’ Diana.  

                                   - Satyricon

I just have red hair and green eyes... 

but some influence the 300 years of adding Finnish blood must have :-D

BTW, this is one hairdo for the 1000 days of hair. 

Which is a project I started. And that's it.

I'm good at starting things.

Anyway... I don't mind being Roman :-D Roman women are fabulous :-D

Oh, yes, so 3 it screams about it :-D Totally obsessed with looks, impression and beauty. *sigh*

I wish I could get rid of it.

On the other hand... I suppose there's benefits of that too.

Dangers of internet stalking

"Willingness is so important. Do you think you could just try try try to be willing this week to take chances...to hear someone out....to let something be....to let things work themselves out..."


To let something be. Let him go. Not to try to find out what he's doing. Not to try to find out things about his girlfriend. Not to think about him. Not to send him text messages, emails, letters, postcards, not to call him, not to try to figure out what to do if I ever see him again... 
If we are meant to be together, we will be. God's will WILL be done. 
Not to beat the dead horse.


My whole adult life I have wanted to be beautiful. 
I have always believed if I just was beautiful, if I just was pretty enough, I'd get what I want. I have been watching girls called pretty get what I want, and me being without, me being bullied, called names... Always chosen last. Always passed by. Always waiting for my turn, and it never coming up. 
And now... it doesn't matter. Beauty is nothing. It doesn't mean anything. 
I didn't get what I wanted, because... 


I don't have the slightest idea. 


So... how will I get what I want?

Diary of a fool

I saw an episode of Shameless yesterday, and I couldn't stop watching...

Mo looks like this other woman I know. I find her fat, ugly, rude, mean and hard... I don't see anything attractive in her. But yet she has managed to get seven kids with Paddy#1, had "the other Paddy", and is now with husband #2, and had one night stands with some 8-10 men after Paddy#1 "as a way to keep herself feeling attractive"...

I watched the episode with a sick attention to her, unable to change the channel...
I didn't find her in any way, form or manner attractive.

I'm shocked.

It doesn't fit my understanding of the world at all.
What does she do?
What does she have I don't?

How can she even... how does she get men?
And knowing men... her husband/boyfriend probably thinks she IS beautiful.

I know, I know, I'm horribly shallow and fixated with beauty, but... this is... offensive.

How? How does she do it?
What in her makes men see her as "girl friend material"?

Yes, I find it extremely offensive that she gets men. All my life... as far as I know, no-one has wanted to have me. And I believe it must be because I'm ugly, disgusting, horrible... and then there's this woman, who IS ugly.
Someone wanted her enough to give her children.

It's so f-ing unfair.

My husband tries to comfort me by saying that the guys who fell in love with her probably appreciate the fact that she's not shallow pretty thing, but a strong woman, with personality.
That men are not that shallow.
That it's a good thing this woman gets men, because I should take it as proof of that I can be ugly as a troll, and still there's someone out there who will see through the shell and appreciate the inside. If she gets a man, so will I, when I don't have my husband anymore.


But to me it's... It means there's nothing I can do.
I mean... I can fix the fitness, I can fix the fat, I can fix my clothes, and do something about my looks, but... I can't create an attractive personality where there is none.

I'm screwed. 
I'll never get screwed, when my husband dies.
I'll die alone and get eaten by my cats. 

More about type 3 and other such.

 I am a three.
Why do I believe so?

"Basic Fear: Of being worthless"
I started crying.

"Threes keep driving themselves to excel until they burn themselves out and become more detached and passive when they go to Nine."
Yep.

I am a veritable cliff when I feel good, engaging and responsible, and apathic when I feel bad. I just die. Become a limp, lifeless ragdoll. Turn away from the world, become "detached and passive".

The most important quality in life is beauty, and then kindness, helping others, and then originality, authenticity, creativity. 3, 2 and 4.
I try to become the best me I can be.
It is important to perform and succeed.
I like to be liked, appreciated, valued, admired. :-) I like it a lot.
I like to win. I like to be the best.
I want to win prizes in what I do.
I want to get the audience's approval, love and admiration.
I want to wow people.
I want them to look at me and what I do and think I'm beautiful, amazing, magnificent, wonderful. I want them to see me as an ideal and role model, and I want them to envy me, my beauty and my capacity. My gifts, my talents, my intellect, my skills.

"The personality type Three exemplifies the search for the validation of the self, and so Threes look to esteemed others to determine who they must be, what they must do, in order to feel valuable and worthwhile as human beings."
"Threes will strive to exemplify whatever qualities are honored in their given milieu."
Yes, kindness and goodness; and artistic perfectionism, originality, creativity... "I want to be prolific, loved and good writer".

"Of course, Threes have feelings, but as much as possible, they put them on the backburner whenever there are things to get done—and with many Threes, that is most of the time. As Threes become less healthy, they increasingly see their own feelings as "speed bumps"–annoyances that must be dealt with but which interfere with their effectiveness. Threes want to get their goals accomplished, and then, time permitting, process their feelings"
This is me to the tee.

As far as I understand, Threes are chameleons. They are what ever they think people want them to be.

I read somewhere that women show often trades of Twos, because that's what they are expected to be.

I don't know...

I'm kind of circling there with 2s, 3s and 4s, and... that is typical for Threes, isn't it?

I have BDD and I'm an overachiever and heavily codependent. It's hard for health care personnel and social secretaries etc. to help me, because I'm always, always, always trying to find out what THEY are expecting of me, and do my best to give it to them.
So that's kind of confirms the Three.

But then I read descriptions of Threes, and 3/2 wings and 3/4 wings and... I think the descriptions are horrible!

"The vanity of three"
"the vain desire to be admired and attractive"
"they want to reach the largest possible audience"
"the false polish" - "their false emotional facade" - "veneer of artificial coolness"
"nice-seeming, quiet people who just happen to be mass-murderers"
"manipulative"
"capable of atrocities"

All threes are vain, narcissistic, manipulative, fake, psychopaths, drama queens and attention whores!

Well... I suppose I can be theatrical, excessive, easily fall into self-pity, over-sensitive and whiny. And I do deserve love and jewels. :-D

Ok... That's about the unbalanced, disturbed and damaged Threes.

"...genuine self-observation, and... ...appropriate humility. ...friendly and personable people whose natural social skills help others feel comfortable. "
"...an astonishing ability to generate enthusiastic optimism and self-confidence in others. ...an expert motivational speaker, and often takes advantage of that skill. The uplifting message is delivered with style and power, zooming right to the heart of the listener, where the magic of positive thinking can begin. These are the teachers who bring us to our feet shouting and jumping for joy, eager to take the reins of our life and charge onward into the future."

Ok... I adore Tony Robbins. Absolutely adore him. Wouldn't mind being like him.

"...gentle, compassionate... ...sense of social responsibility combines with the wisdom that comes from emotional equanimity" 
"good advisers... ...mentors or career counselors" 
"devoted to improving life for everyone on the planet" 
"spreading a sense of confidence and optimism... Wherever they go they leave behind a feeling of deep connection and belonging. They are subtle teachers who set an example of compassionate action."


I do like winning. I'm rather competitive. I can't resist a challenge.
But I don't want to win at any price. I won't climb over people to win. I'm the guy who'll stop and let someone to win just to help someone else.

"These are charmers, often strikingly attractive, embodying conventional ideals of beauty and grace, being all things to all people."
Oh... I wouldn't mind. I have always wanted to be a sorceress :-D Enchantress... Circe.

"they make exceptional politicians, being tactful, shrewd and able to “get with the program”, astutely assessing the opposition, noting strengths and weakness, and being adept at changing their tune if required."
Being charismatic, manipulative... I wouldn't mind... because OF COURSE *I* wouldn't be like the others... ;-)

"...when healthy altruists, can be inspiring embodiments of achievement, self- transcendence, perseverance and perspicacity."
Er... what? LOL "Speak English!"

altruist is a person unselfishly concerned for or devoted to the welfare of others, the opposite of egoist.

self-transcendence is the ability to go beyond one's borders

perseverance is steady persistent in a course of action in spite of difficulties

perspicacity is a clarity of vision or intellect which provides a deep understanding and insight - clear and keen intellect and discernment...

 
"Threes make excellent ambassadors"

Hmm... One of my favorite self-created characters is a Vulpian (a vixen >:->) ambassador, a curvy red-head, seductive, attractive, intelligent, with Southern Belle charm and manners and iron-hand-in-velvet-glove spirit... Think Morgan Le Fay, Macchiavelli's Prince, Pratchett's Vetinari, Milady Winter and Cardinal Richelieu baked in one person - but this lady is good, kind and gentle... *sigh*
Sounds like a Three, don't you think?

Last night I dreamt...

About him... and he ended the relationship, and I refused to accept it, and this time he came down to talk with me. And he was sitting there, all calm and lovely and so, and asked why I do this. Why do I keep trying to get things in my life that don't belong there. Why don't I just move on with my life and see what's going to happen.
And I said "I assume it's because I'm bored..."

Oh.

I did the Myers Briggs temperament test and got INFJ
I did Enneagram and got 3
Now... 3 and INFJ don't go together...

I have always wanted to be considered sanguine. I didn't think I'm worthy, though...

"The sanguine temperament is fundamentally impulsive and pleasure-seeking; sanguine people are sociable and charismatic. They tend to enjoy social gatherings, making new friends and tend to be boisterous. They are usually quite creative and often daydream. However, some alone time is crucial for those of this temperament. Sanguine can also mean sensitive, compassionate and romantic. Sanguine personalities generally struggle with following tasks all the way through, are chronically late, and tend to be forgetful and sometimes a little sarcastic. Often, when they pursue a new hobby, they lose interest as soon as it ceases to be engaging or fun. They are very much people persons. They are talkative and not shy. Sanguines generally have an almost shameless nature, certain that what they are doing is right. They have no lack of confidence.

They are warm-hearted and pleasant.

They look alive and are very optimistic"

That sounds like me... 

So... I started thinking about my own theory, of wanting to be what we are supposed to be... and why not couldn't I be sanguine? Perhaps people who are NOT sanguine find sanguine people bothersome, butterflies with no sense or use... and I took a test.
Guess what?
Of course you guessed right :-D

Your temperament is sanguine.

So... what if I am extrovert? 8-o
What if the bullying I was subjected to since I was 9-10 until I was 18 has made me afraid of people?
What if my Asperger's is f-ing things up?
What if my 3 nature makes me such a skillful chameleon I have managed to convince myself of that I am an introvert?



What if this whole thing is just BS and has no what so ever meaning in the real life, but everything we are is an illusion, a trained behavior, and we can change who we are, such qualities considered to be inborn, like being extrovert or passionate?

To be myself

I have decided that I won't play the social games anymore.

In 40 years people have been letting me know that they don't see me as a social creature, and I don't enjoy the social endeavours like my neuronormal peers do. I find them confusing and very tiresome.

God has shown me that She has ways of introducing people in my life when ever it's necessary.

I mean... I bought the book about finding a spouse, when I was 17 and wanted nothing more in life but someone to love me, someone whom I could love, someone to share my life with, someone to father my children, a lover...
It took me 10 years to find this someone...
Think about it.
What 20±6 years old woman doesn't have a boyfriend? What 20±6 years old woman, who lives in a normal society and doesn't lock herself inside, who goes to school, work, movies, art exhibitions, travels, occasionally goes even dancing with "the girls", doesn't have a boyfriend - or even "suitors"? I have never even been asked to dance!
Well, once. I was in London and an USonian twice my age asked me to dance. I danced with him one dance, and after that he didn't want to dance. >:->
Is it a wonder I am convinced I'm the... not ugliest woman on earth, because I'm not ugly, but the most disgusting, repelling, "disagreeable" woman on this planet.
Anyway, in that book the author said that one needs to go out, get out, get hobbies and start doing things, to add to one's chances of meeting someone. The more people you meet, the bigger chances you have that someone of them finds you attractive. ha.
And she told a story... about a woman who wanted to marry, but she never left her house. One day a parachuter landed in her garden. They fell in love with each other and got married and as far as I know they are still happily married.
This was told as an example of that "sure, miracles happen, but if you go out there and do things and meet more people, you don't need a miracle."
The thing is that Goddess' will BE done. Whether I like it or not. My whole life to the point where I met my husband was to lead me to that point and to him. Goddess kept me for him. Nothing I did, taking courses, going to exhibitions and events, going dancing, brought me any nearer my husband. I found him in Stockholm Tolkien society, which I joined because I love Tolkien and I have Asperger's, like probably half of Tolkienites of the world, learning Tolkien's languages, writing and the history of Middle Earth by heart... and I like re-enactment and I'm a medievalist, thanks to Tolkien, Arthur and fairytales... I found him, doing what *I* liked to do, not by following any advice from anyone.
So - he would have found me anyway.
Goddess will bring to me who I'm supposed to be with, and I don't f-ing need to do one single thing to make it happen.

I don't need to go out there, I don't need to put myself out there to be harmed, to get the social life I need. Right now, at this moment, the biggest griefs I have had has been connected to other people and what I experience as bullying, whether it is done intentionally or unintentionally. This has caused me to focus on how I look, what impression I give, and as I have Asperger's, I will give a more or less odd impression, and neuronormal people, as the instinktive animals they are, will always react by becoming suspicious. Kind people will react with curiosity, unkind people will react with hostility, but even curiosity isn't good for me. It makes me feel like a freak show specimen.
The world tries to make me social, tries to get me to work with people, socialize with my work mates, have friends, go out and do things together with other people. There really isn't any other option for life, if life is to be considered fulfilling and worthy... Even people who create something great are pitied if they did it in solitude, and this is lift forth as something peculiar and noteworthy. Why?
(Just make an image search on "solitude"... Solitude is supposed to be something good, but the a lot of images are about being alone, being lonely, not having a social life and finding it hard to bear. Why?)

So I have decided. I will stop even trying to play the social games. I don't think I'll ever get the rules, and it feels like a game of "Guess what I'm thinking? No! Tehehee! No! Teheheee! Not that either! Oh, how stupid you are! Tehehee!"
I just feel shareless of the fun, I don't see what's supposed to be fun in it, and it just isn't fun for me.
So why the heck would I even bother playing?
It's apparently not "me".

It's not that I'd be really missing anything. To me the world is full of amazing, wonderful, magical things.
Like the forest. Taking a walk in the forest, only me and the dog there...Solitude, peace... feeling the forest with the life and strength and serenity... patience... that you can only find in a forest.
Reading books.
Internet and all the amazing ideas... someone said "Pinterest is like getting the best magazine home EVERY DAY". There are all the things one can do, all the crafting ideas and all the inspiration for artwork and writing, all the tv series and movies... I don't dislike people. I think humanity is one of the best ideas Goddess ever had :-D I am in love with this animal and the wonderfulness of it... all the artwork, all the literature, and even all the seemingly petty little things like what is created by ordinary housewives with their love of Jane Austen novels... Craft.com, Make.com, Instructables... Oh! So much to do, so little time!
And everything is at your fingertips with internet shops... I just ordered material from England that would have taken a lot of me to get from Sweden. Just a couple of clicks, no need to talk to anyone, no need to try to be social, friendly and polite, no fear of misunderstanding... Such a blessing!
Thank you, all the people who are responsible for this. I don't know who you are, but my heart is filled with gratitude to you every single day of my life. I don't know you, but I love you and I hope you feel the love and it makes your day a little bit easier to live, because you deserve it. Goddess bless you, sweet, darling people.

You see, I'm a loving philanthrope in reality. It's just the social games I can't comprehend or handle. So I shouldn't. I should just let my love of humanity and the best of it fill my life, and ignore the expectations I couldn't possible fill. I'll just be here, in safety of my own private "convent", and love you, and avoid being with you, because you don't love me.